- Sep 13, 2005
- 894
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- US-Democrat
I have always been divided my relationship with God. I am a good Christian, I sing for the praise team, I volunteer to do whatever I can at church, I'm at church every week at least a half-hour before everyone else and I leave at least an hour after everyone else. Who can question my devotion to God?
Apparently, God can.
I have always questioned my lack luster need for God at home. It isn't like I don't need him, I'm unemployed with a ton of student loans, I live with my parents who drive me crazy, there's no question about ever obtaining a husband of my own because it's not going to happen, children are out of the question because [medical mystery].
I am well aware that God rather have a personal relationship with me rather than a slave that does everything because that is what is expected. However, I just wasn't able to make that connection. Too many things were getting in the way and confusing me. I wasn't able to get outside of my own thoughts, concerns, obligations and expectations.
Well, it all started a month ago, when I visited a specialized doctor for aforementioned medical mystery, and he gave me some special hormones to get myself balanced. (Which I never would have been able to do if not for the Health Care Act, so I thank God for that.)
Lets just say, for the first time in 7 years I was suffering from PMS last week. This is important because all of the sudden all of the cares and responsibilities that had been piled up on me became too much. One or two people at church made some comments and I snapped. So last Saturday I decided that I was going to leave the church, and more importantly all of the responsibilities that I had taken upon myself and associated with being at that church.
Now, you know and I know that a rash decision made in anger is often a bad decision. However, even in my anger I knew that I made the right decision. I just didn't like the way it happened.
So this week, I got really, really sick. I had everything from a stuffed up nose, to a fever, to headaches and light sensitivity. Strangely, I also suffered from sleeplessness. I went from sleeping 18 hours one day to needing almost none for the next two.
As you can imagine that left me lots of time to think. I prayed, read my bible, worked on one of my stories, watched some anime, etc, etc, etc. I also got on here, Christian Forums, and talked out my decision with some helpful people in the Christian Advice forum. I was confused because, while I knew [divinely] that I made the right decision, I still didn't feel right and I continued to question myself.
So, yesterday, while I was feeling a lot better I still wasn't sleeping. I prayed to God saying, "God, I don't want to leave things as they are with the church. Please help me find peace about this." And I fell asleep.
After four hours I woke up and I just knew what had happened and why. You see, I have an obsessive compulsive personality. I've known this for a while, but I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, without being aware of it I was obsessing about the church. Not just my responsibilities, but about how other people were handling theirs, and how people in the congregation felt about how I was handling my "job".
God forced me out of that position (and, yes, I believe He used force) because it was becoming unhealthy for me and getting in between me and Him. I even got sick so that I wouldn't "give in" and go back to what I was doing. Once I understood this, I was able to send an email out to the church and explain why I couldn't stay at the church. My obsessive compulsive mentality wouldn't allow me to stay.
Now, I feel as if I have been broken, smashed to pieces, and put back together again. I'm still sleepless, even hyperactive, because I feel renewed by God. Life is still crappy, but I don't feel the hopelessness and responsibility for everything weighing me down anymore.
I even feel like I might be able to find a job soon, God willing. Or even finish writing that book I keep talking about. All things are possible because God loves me, Amen!
Apparently, God can.
I have always questioned my lack luster need for God at home. It isn't like I don't need him, I'm unemployed with a ton of student loans, I live with my parents who drive me crazy, there's no question about ever obtaining a husband of my own because it's not going to happen, children are out of the question because [medical mystery].
I am well aware that God rather have a personal relationship with me rather than a slave that does everything because that is what is expected. However, I just wasn't able to make that connection. Too many things were getting in the way and confusing me. I wasn't able to get outside of my own thoughts, concerns, obligations and expectations.
Well, it all started a month ago, when I visited a specialized doctor for aforementioned medical mystery, and he gave me some special hormones to get myself balanced. (Which I never would have been able to do if not for the Health Care Act, so I thank God for that.)
Lets just say, for the first time in 7 years I was suffering from PMS last week. This is important because all of the sudden all of the cares and responsibilities that had been piled up on me became too much. One or two people at church made some comments and I snapped. So last Saturday I decided that I was going to leave the church, and more importantly all of the responsibilities that I had taken upon myself and associated with being at that church.
Now, you know and I know that a rash decision made in anger is often a bad decision. However, even in my anger I knew that I made the right decision. I just didn't like the way it happened.
So this week, I got really, really sick. I had everything from a stuffed up nose, to a fever, to headaches and light sensitivity. Strangely, I also suffered from sleeplessness. I went from sleeping 18 hours one day to needing almost none for the next two.
As you can imagine that left me lots of time to think. I prayed, read my bible, worked on one of my stories, watched some anime, etc, etc, etc. I also got on here, Christian Forums, and talked out my decision with some helpful people in the Christian Advice forum. I was confused because, while I knew [divinely] that I made the right decision, I still didn't feel right and I continued to question myself.
So, yesterday, while I was feeling a lot better I still wasn't sleeping. I prayed to God saying, "God, I don't want to leave things as they are with the church. Please help me find peace about this." And I fell asleep.
After four hours I woke up and I just knew what had happened and why. You see, I have an obsessive compulsive personality. I've known this for a while, but I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, without being aware of it I was obsessing about the church. Not just my responsibilities, but about how other people were handling theirs, and how people in the congregation felt about how I was handling my "job".
God forced me out of that position (and, yes, I believe He used force) because it was becoming unhealthy for me and getting in between me and Him. I even got sick so that I wouldn't "give in" and go back to what I was doing. Once I understood this, I was able to send an email out to the church and explain why I couldn't stay at the church. My obsessive compulsive mentality wouldn't allow me to stay.
Now, I feel as if I have been broken, smashed to pieces, and put back together again. I'm still sleepless, even hyperactive, because I feel renewed by God. Life is still crappy, but I don't feel the hopelessness and responsibility for everything weighing me down anymore.
I even feel like I might be able to find a job soon, God willing. Or even finish writing that book I keep talking about. All things are possible because God loves me, Amen!
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