Hard to reconcile with God allowing me to be chronically ill and having to depend on narcissistic abusive parents

[sdd13]

Im 26, a female, and was healthy most of my life except for minor stomach issues until my last year of college. My parents have always been controlling, negligent, and have narcissistic tendencies. They emotionally gaslight me and dont take my health issues seriously even though im visibly weak and struggling because of them. Despite me going to many doctors and getting many medical tests, doctors have only recently diagnosed me with a vague diagnosis and its been impossible for me to find answers and proper treatment so unfortunately im gradually getting worse. Despite me needing a lot of support, God hasn't blessed me with good friends or church people that I can trust (I was very social back then but each one turned out to be fake or very judgemental of my conditions that my symptoms would worsen just being around these people). So i have no one i can count on. The only people who will help me SOMETIMES are my parents, but i know they get a kick out of knowing that i cant be fully independent and will always need to keep coming back to them for support. This feeds their ego and controlling nature and because im helpless to thrive on my own i feel humiliated. I ask God for a way out, for him to provide, for a good support system, and have been asking for years, but I haven't been blessed with anything. Ive had some answered prayers here and there regarding this but as soon as I think someone understands or will support me they switch up and it blows up in my face and im left all alone being forced to depend on my parents again (financially and for practical help). I work as much as I can but its not enough to be fully independent (I do have my own place now because their home is a biohazard for my health since theyre hoarders as well but i still have to depend on them for supplies, rides, and food). Im thankful they can provide those things conditionally, but i know its transactional because they benefit from using my home as a storage space as well. I just feel like God doesn't care, ive read Job so much and reach out for help to other churches, and even mental health professionals and none have been able to help me. Some ignore me and some don't even try because my situation is too complex and dark. I feel like im going to wither and my parents are going to keep benefiting from me until I die. I have no one who truly understands, my parents say the most insensitive things about my illness and always expect me to do more when even doctors told me otherwise. I feel like God wants me to depend on them forever and won't even give me someone, anyone (i dont care about romance, even friends or another family who would take me in), that can care for me and let me be vulnerable with them. All this turmoil and cognitivie dissonance prevents me from managing my symptoms well and i try my best to keep beleiving as i know our reward is in heaven and we will have troubles here but this is too much. Im only human and this is too much. Everyone else i know who is ill has a partner, spouse, good friend(s), or good family (even just one family member) who is willing to take care of them selflessly and helps them feel safe. I have none of that. I need support and encouragement and advice from people who have gone through this or know someone who has. I feel like my situation is so rare, being so sick at a young age, having opportunities stripped form you because of it and becoming bitter that its even hard to serve God fully or hold onto hoping in Him. Its hard to believe He truly cares about me. I know his overall plan is good but he doesn't show up for me to help me personally or help me fully escape from my abusers.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Im 26, a female, and was healthy most of my life except for minor stomach issues until my last year of college. My parents have always been controlling, negligent, and have narcissistic tendencies. They emotionally gaslight me and dont take my health issues seriously even though im visibly weak and struggling because of them. Despite me going to many doctors and getting many medical tests, doctors have only recently diagnosed me with a vague diagnosis and its been impossible for me to find answers and proper treatment so unfortunately im gradually getting worse. Despite me needing a lot of support, God hasn't blessed me with good friends or church people that I can trust (I was very social back then but each one turned out to be fake or very judgemental of my conditions that my symptoms would worsen just being around these people). So i have no one i can count on. The only people who will help me SOMETIMES are my parents, but i know they get a kick out of knowing that i cant be fully independent and will always need to keep coming back to them for support. This feeds their ego and controlling nature and because im helpless to thrive on my own i feel humiliated. I ask God for a way out, for him to provide, for a good support system, and have been asking for years, but I haven't been blessed with anything. Ive had some answered prayers here and there regarding this but as soon as I think someone understands or will support me they switch up and it blows up in my face and im left all alone being forced to depend on my parents again (financially and for practical help). I work as much as I can but its not enough to be fully independent (I do have my own place now because their home is a biohazard for my health since theyre hoarders as well but i still have to depend on them for supplies, rides, and food). Im thankful they can provide those things conditionally, but i know its transactional because they benefit from using my home as a storage space as well. I just feel like God doesn't care, ive read Job so much and reach out for help to other churches, and even mental health professionals and none have been able to help me. Some ignore me and some don't even try because my situation is too complex and dark. I feel like im going to wither and my parents are going to keep benefiting from me until I die. I have no one who truly understands, my parents say the most insensitive things about my illness and always expect me to do more when even doctors told me otherwise. I feel like God wants me to depend on them forever and won't even give me someone, anyone (i dont care about romance, even friends or another family who would take me in), that can care for me and let me be vulnerable with them. All this turmoil and cognitivie dissonance prevents me from managing my symptoms well and i try my best to keep beleiving as i know our reward is in heaven and we will have troubles here but this is too much. Im only human and this is too much. Everyone else i know who is ill has a partner, spouse, good friend(s), or good family (even just one family member) who is willing to take care of them selflessly and helps them feel safe. I have none of that. I need support and encouragement and advice from people who have gone through this or know someone who has. I feel like my situation is so rare, being so sick at a young age, having opportunities stripped form you because of it and becoming bitter that its even hard to serve God fully or hold onto hoping in Him. Its hard to believe He truly cares about me. I know his overall plan is good but he doesn't show up for me to help me personally or help me fully escape from my abusers.

Not knowing the details, it may be worthwhile for your doctor to write a letter concerning your chronic disability, apply for SSI (monthly 'disability' payments) and look for "section 8 housing" or whatever it is called by the state you live in, and the state may well also provide caregiving.

I have a precious friend who had a bad stroke at 26 years, and was not released from the nursing home (11 months there) until all that was in place. They referred her to the State "Council on Aging" (which is called that only because it is usually the aging that need their help).

Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you, except to spend hours daily studying about God and getting to know him —particularly as the one about whom this life IS. It is hard not to see your suffering ever-before-you, but even that is about God, and not about you. You are here for God's use and purposes, and not your own. (Easy to say—hard to hold onto.)

 

[sdd13]

Not knowing the details, it may be worthwhile for your doctor to write a letter concerning your chronic disability, apply for SSI (monthly 'disability' payments) and look for "section 8 housing" or whatever it is called by the state you live in, and the state may well also provide caregiving.

I have a precious friend who had a bad stroke at 26 years, and was not released from the nursing home (11 months there) until all that was in place. They referred her to the State "Council on Aging" (which is called that only because it is usually the aging that need their help).

Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you, except to spend hours daily studying about God and getting to know him —particularly as the one about whom this life IS. It is hard not to see your suffering ever-before-you, but even that is about God, and not about you. You are here for God's use and purposes, and not your own. (Easy to say—hard to hold onto.)

thank you, i have looked into section 8 and other affordable housing. im on some waitlists but did not meet section 8 criteria. the other waitlists are over 3 years long. thank you for your words, of course i know God has a purpose in this pain and hardship but its very hard to see when i feel so useless adn like all my energy is eaten up by the trials that i have to face so often. its like every week i hit a new test that brings me to a new low. but of course im still holding on. I cant walk away from God for some reason, no matter how often i get upset at him.

 

[tmtj]

Hi, it sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time. I related to some of the things you posted, especially about being financially dependent on your parents, resenting them and God because of it, and wondering if God really cares about you. I have seen or heard about Christians going through things that never improve, just decades of the same problem with no resolution, and they still have to love and serve God. I don't have any comment on that, as my life has improved over time, but there is no guarantee or entitlement for any of us that this is what will happen in our lives. We have to be willing to love and serve God even if things NEVER get better, and that's a calculation you will have to make: if things never improve, can I still love and serve God?

That being said, I do pray that your life does get better. I know what it's like to have parents that you feel take advantage of your sense of needing them. I hate the position of powerlessness I have felt at times in my life when I felt my parents were not acting in my best interest, and yet they held "the keys", so I had no options to leave them and also felt that they felt emboldened by my dependency. It's an awful cycle of feelings and the best I can say is that other support is needed. This will be a matter of prayer to discern where you can find this support. Other than this, supporting yourself with the pillars of a good life (nutrition, exercise, sleep, good hobbies and a creative outlet) will help sustain you while you make the long-term changes that will create a worthwhile life.

 

[basia1987]

You need treatment for your CPTSD (complex developmental trauma). Your health issues are real but they happened because of the distress you're experiencing. Please look into trauma therapy, possibly body based therapy. It will help. Once you work through your trauma in therapy, your health, friendships and financial situation will be gradually becoming better.

 

[soldier of light]

I have mental illness and people seem to shun me because of it and because of my beliefs. I dont believe in being part of this world with its political fears, complaints, worries and strife. Jesus said not to do that.

I don't agree with divisions of any kind. I seek peace and the kingdom of Jesus. But yes I feel shunned because I shun evil. But I'm not lost. Jesus is with me and Jesus is with you too.