I have a problem and would appreciate some advice...

[longkang]

Basically, my situation is as such:

I was in a relationship with this girl in my church for a few years. However, things got bad and we talked to our pastor and we decided to call it off. You could say that it was my fault.

It has been a few months and I still have deep feelings for the girl. I am unsure if she feels the same way about me. Additionally, I am sure that this is not the right time for me to get involved in another relationship as of yet.

I asked God, if she is not the one for me, then why do I still love her so much? If this is not his will, then I would rather God take my feelings for her away. Anyway, its not really working as of yet.

This problem has been troubling me for some time and I have finally found the courage to share it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not trusting God enough?

Can anyone enlighten me?

 

[FallingWaters]

It sounds like you were emotionally bonded to this girl,
and it is taking a while for you to grieve the loss of the broken relationship.

It is never a good idea to start a new relationship while you are still in pain from an old one.

We have a way of attracting someone at our level of emotional pain/health.
If you are in pain, you may attract someone who you will not relate to anymore after you get better.

You need to say goodbye to the relationship.
You need to let go.
Turn your heart 100% over to Jesus,
trusting Him to bring you a mate in His time.

 

[LilLamb219]

Love isn't something we can just turn off with the flick of a switch. It's going to take a long time to really get over that girl and feel as if you can finally move on. You're right that it isn't the best time to get involved in another relationship right now; it wouldn't be fair to a new girlfriend to have to deal with this.

But that doesn't mean you can't get involved in other things to get your mind off your ex. In fact, it would be in your best interest to do so.

 

[Praising4eva]

Maybe go have another chat with your pastor about where you are now?

The way I see it, you are old enough to marry so there could be potential in the relationship. It depends what the problem was that was so bad. If it was sexual sin, you can move on and not get into situations that could happen again. OTOH if it was destructive behaviour like co-dependence or verbal abuse going on, it's probably best not to go there.

 

[Elijah2]

Mate, it all comes down to your choice and your decision, it's not GOD's choice or decision!

HE has most probably spoken to you and you didn't hear HIM.

GOD is there to protect you, not make your life as simple as anything.

I am sorry mate, if I appear to be rude and straight to the point, but I guess you are big enough and ugly enough, to know the facts of life.

If you love that girl then tell her. By doing so, you will get an answer from her, either positive or negative, then you will be able to remove all the torment that is being directed toward you by the "father of lies" and his forces.

Yep, grief of our first love is the hardest to handle.

It's, now up to you, stand up and be counted.

 

[longkang]

Thanks for all your replies. I confess that even till now, it is extremely hard to forget what the two of us have been through. Let me elaborate a bit more.

Her family background is not good. She was brought up by her grandparents, because her parents are divorced. She has never felt what family love truly is. When I came into her life, she took me as someone that she could rely on, having no one else to do so. As a result, we were very close.

It was I who recommended that we call the relationship off, seeing no other alternative at that time. I admit that it was not the best of decisions. For her, she had lost her prime confidant.

After some time and thinking back, I really regretted my decision and till now, I still can't forgive myself. It will take some time before I can.

 

[Praising4eva]

You wrote:
Her family background is not good. She was brought up by her grandparents, because her parents are divorced. She has never felt what family love truly is.

I would suggest that she does know a loving family if her grandparents were loving and caring. Her parents may not have been there but if her grandparents raised her, they are her family. In many cultures it is common for grandparents to raise the grandchildren.

It's not too late...go and talk to her. If you don't, you'll never know and might always wonder what might have been...

 

[vonPrutz]

Ya thats the only thing I fear, and thats not knowing what could have been. When I broke up with my fiance last year it was hard and I tried to pass it off as I could and would do better. But I was lying to myself and I was getting depressed until I finally welcomed her back into my life and asked her if she still loved me. When she said no I knew there was nothing there and moved on

 

[live4grace]

Thanks for all your replies. I confess that even till now, it is extremely hard to forget what the two of us have been through. Let me elaborate a bit more.

Her family background is not good. She was brought up by her grandparents, because her parents are divorced. She has never felt what family love truly is. When I came into her life, she took me as someone that she could rely on, having no one else to do so. As a result, we were very close.

It was I who recommended that we call the relationship off, seeing no other alternative at that time. I admit that it was not the best of decisions. For her, she had lost her prime confidant.

After some time and thinking back, I really regretted my decision and till now, I still can't forgive myself. It will take some time before I can.

Well you shouldn't keep punishing yourself for making a decision that really didn't seriously hurt you or her. I mean it's not like you were married and got divorced, really, it isn't.

You're just in an awkward place right now, having to humble yourself and admit a mistake. I tell you if you are to restore the relationship (and I mean a FRIENDLY relationship first), then you have to be completely honest and yes, VULNERABLE to the point that she can see your heart. Tell her you miss your times together (I mean put it in your own words), you miss talking etc.

What you've been through together was from the God (He's GOOD, you see ).

But don't freak out about the love you have for her. "The love of God has been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit" (Romans 5:5)** and whether or not things get restored to what they were (or even better), His love will still flow through you. If you are to become even husband and wife, then you will start by being trustworthy, faithful friends.

** the Greek for "shed abroad" is literally a word that means that God's love flows like a waterfall in our hearts.

 

[longkang]

Thanks for all your support. I think I may have found what I was looking for. I was browsing around this forum when I saw a post by someone. This was what I saw.

'Is this the woman that you shall sacrificially serve all your life? Will you love her as God loved the church?'

It hit me then. I did not love her in the same way that God loved me. I became selfish. I finally knew what I did wrong.

 

[Robinsegg]

One thing to remember is that if you loved her, you will always love her. Don't try to stop loving her, but try to put her in a smaller area of your heart.
If you didn't love her sacrificially, then it was right for you to break off any romantic entaglements. However, did that make you stop communicating with her totally? If so, you don't have to continue that. You can ask her to just be friends, if you're willing to be a good friend to her.

Rachel