I agree.
Unfortunately, Samantha, your words sound like those of an abused woman. I talked the same way until I went to a therapist for all I'd been through and sent her a string of texts between me and my ex-husband. Reading over them, I'd been so calm, I was impressed (considering I have anxiety and panic attack issues) throughout the relentless insults, slams, etc. on me and my sons, and the nasty language used by him toward me and my sons. I thought God had been with me and us in that text exchange. I tried hard to diffuse those times when he would escalate, and he escalated for several months. And finally it came to a head and I'd said, "I can't do this anymore." The guilt and fear I felt around him was due to psychological and verbal abuse. The damage he did to my oldest son is the worst of all. In any case, I talked to my therapist about what she thought of the exchanges. She responded to my thinking God had been with me, she said yes, but what she saw was an abused woman. This rocked me to my core. I had no clue. When you've been in that place for so long, programmed, losing yourself every day for years and years, and living in a sort of dissociative state, you are shocked when you hear this from a professional, and this woman is a Catholic. It's a good Catholic counseling center.
Anyway, I worry about you. That's what I'm getting at.