I Guess I'm Being Difficult

[CeeBee]

Hi guys. CeeBee again. Gotta come for my every-few-months thread I guess...

I am now in my second year of college at a medium-sized public but mostly conservative university in the south. I am a guy who is attracted to other guys, only. Don't like girls. (Yeah, I used to think I did, but deep down I always knew I didn't, sigh. Trust me guys, I'm very sure here now.) Wish I did but I do not.

I've been through some minor reparative therapy, but it didn't work and I gave up. For the past two or perhaps three years, I alternate between wanting to live a celibate life and wanting a boyfriend. I've remained a virgin I am proud to say, though this can be very difficult at times.

I was raised in a Protestant home (Southern Baptist) but in junior high became interested in the Catholic faith. After going to a Mass and tons of research, I began to self-identify. For quite a while my parents were opposed to me converting, and I only went to Mass a few more times. I participated in Lent, prayed the rosary, watched EWTN, and etc., however.

Then the gay days, so to speak, came in full force. Oh, they were there before, but in high school I really began to acknowledge it. I began to doubt my faith and God, but for ehhh several years I maintained belief in God. I became suicidal in the middle of high school and emotionally came out to my best friend. Turns out he was gay too. This will get criticism, but I believe even today this saved my life. Well, I know he did.

Blahblahblah, fast forward, I'm now out to my immediate family and all my friends that I talk to regularly. My family was very much in opposition, obviously; sent me to reparation which didn't work, now it's never brought up. Friends are supportive and have zero problem with it (even the otherwise conservatives). I know it sounds odd to come out and not date for several years afterwards, but that is what I did. A large part of it is that I simply had to acknowledge it for better or worse, talk about it. It ate and eats me up. It does help to be out, if for no other reason than my friends mostly quit saying hurtful things that before rolled off like the word 'the'.

I am now..... I don't know what religion. I believe in God... I think. I want to! I want to believe in the Catholic Church and the Catholic God (so to speak, of course). I want to talk to the priest at the Catholic student center on campus. But I am terrified. I am scared that I will be rejected, and I admit that I am very emotionally fragile. Rejection would sting for years. And I don't mean rejection like "Homosexual activity is sin."; I mean like "God hates you," or less harsh or more, who knows.

It's the beginning of the semester and they'll have all these happy freshman coming in for fellowship, I don't want to burden the priest with all this. I am also again terrified of his reaction, of rejection, of getting a bad reputation amongst Catholic students, of so much. I have a good friend, gay, who was kicked out of a church (Southern Baptist, not Catholic, but still) simply for being effeminate. He wasn't even out. They said he'd be a morally corrupting influence. The kid was so faithful and religious. Now he's an avowed atheist. I'm scared that something like that will happen to me and I'll lose the little hope/faith I have.

I'm just terrified guys. Horrified. Depressed. Worried.

Please pray for me.

 

[Antigone]

First of all, kudos for coming out. It's not easy. It's a brave thing to do.

Second of all, simply put - homosexuality doesn't become a problem unless you actually act upon your feelings. If any Catholic (or Christian in general) criticises you for being a bad Christian for admitting that you're gay, then they're the bad Christians, not you.

Finally, I think many priests have come across this before, and I don't think they will hate you or condemn you for being honest. Then again, that's probably easy for me to say. Maybe there's a church nearby where you can go to? People you know and trust? If you don't want to talk to someone on-campus, maybe there's an off-campus group that can help you.

 

[Memento Mori]

CeeBee, I am gay too (celibate), so I completely understand what you're feeling. That being said, I'm still young and I don't have any sage advice.

However, the priest should not tell you anything like that, because it is Catholic teaching that it is not wrong to BE gay. I would talk to him. Perhaps just that simple act would help, if you are worried about being accepted by the Church.

I think the greatest temptation gay Christians face is the desire to make things easier by abandoning orthodox religion. So I think you are justified in fearing a loss of faith; I've been down that road before, and I don't want to go down it again.

Maybe at this point you need to make some decisions and then plan your actions. Do you believe in Christianity? If you can say yes to that, my advice would be to acquaint yourself with Jesus. Specifically, with His love for you. Whenever I feel outcast or alone, I come back to His love for me and it helps.

Praying for you.

 

[Deo_Adiuvante]

Well, my heart goes out to you and you definitely have my prayers. I can’t imagine the kind of hell your going threw. But, your case isn’t rare. Your journey threw faith with same sex attractions is one that has been traveled by plenty of others. Have you tried to look at what Courage has? If you want an organization that is faithful to the Catholic Church, that would be the way to go.

And don’t be afraid to talk! Make that appointment with a priest and talk to him about what the Church believes. Does this mean celibacy? Yes. But it doesn’t mean your going to have a bunch of Catholics ripping you apart for something you can’t at this time control. There is support out there.

Courage.net/

 

[Romans 13:3]

You have my prayers.

 

[Irenaeus]

CeeBee,

Have you read this article? It first appeared in First Things, which I have a subscription to. Thankfully it's about two years old so you don't need one to read it. You remind me of the young man described in it.

I hope it encourages you.

Furthermore, for anyone who experiences SSA, it is a very severe problem and it will stunt your growth if you self-identify, as you call it, as gay or homosexual. We are all sexual beings but to become fixated on that aspect of our overall personhood is to invite problems and a tremendous amount of stress into our lives, and even worsen problems with lust rather than improve our ability to fight them. "Coming Out" I believe isn't necessarily the best idea because it's that much easier to get 'pidgeonholed' in that position.

It is a very good idea to seek spiritual direction and even to talk to a good Catholic psychologist. An even better idea would be to find a Priest who has a license to practice psychology who can be your spiritual director, because homosexuality is a tremendously complicated moral disorder - it is probably the only moral disorder I can think of that makes a martyr out of the one who possesses it, and probably the hardest to treat because its origins are also very complicated - reperative therapy I believe works on maybe 40% of clients.

You will be in my prayers at Mass today, all who struggle with SSA. I have had some friends who have struggled with it - some have overcome, some still suffer. Some have had halting progress. However, I agree with what one Deacon said to a group during a conference on Affective Maturity: those who struggle with SSA are quite probably those who are also most likely the hidden saints in the Church. Far from God rejecting them, God loves them dearly.

 

[Tigg]

You have my prayers. Also prayers for those who call themselves Christian but show hatred to those who are gay. IMO, you are much closer to God then they are.

 

[Tigg]

I just received this in an e mail from my sis. Good reminder...God bless.

God Will Take Care Of You



By Linda E Knight



God Will Take Care Of You


He himself has said.....I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up,
Nor leave you without support............Hebrew 13:5


May your troubled heart find peace and comfort in the knowledge that you are never alone.
May God's presence ease your trembling spirit and give you rest
He knows how you feel. He is ever aware of your circumstances
And ready to be your strength, your grace, and your peace.
He is there to cast sunlight into all your darkened shadows,
To send encouragement through the love of friends and family
And to replace your weariness with New Hope.


God is your stronghold and with him as your guide you need never be afraid.
No circumstances can block his love, no grief is too hard for him to bear
No talk is too difficult for him to complete.
When what you are feeling is something too deep for words
And nothing anyone does or says can provide you with the relief you need
God understands!
He is your provider....Today, Tomorrow,....And Always


He Loves You!
Cast all your cares on him and.............BELIEVE!

 

[wiselife]

CeeBee

I'm attracted to my own body, it seems, (not to use the word which begins with a M). I have impulses to keep my own money and not to share it with the orphans. I have impulses to tell lies when it's to my benefit (or sometimes even when it makes things worse). I have impulses to be lazy and not go to Mass. I have impulses to insult people right here, and the priests seem to understand. I don't want to play down on your feelings and emotions, just to share that we are all weak.

You are showing a tremendous courage to be able to recognize how you are, even in an internet forum.

Keep praying, do exactly the opposite of what the devil wants you to do.

 

[AngelicRose]

I'm glad to see you around--- I remember you from the earlier days at CF. I'm sorry that you've been going through this and if anything, I just hope you can see it as a struggle that should bring you closer to Christ. We are all sinners, we all have our crosses to bear in life, and I hope you can see this as God not pushing you away, but wanting you to come closer.

Brother, I went through 2-3 abusive relationships in life, *I* made the wrong choices, I gave in to these guys, I got hurt, but I still know God loved me through those situations and that He is the reason why I got through them. Now I'm a stronger person, I know how to have a loving relationship with another guy, and I am able to help others who have gone through similar situations.

I applaud you for coming out to your family and friends--- there's no reason to lie about it and do more mental damage to yourself-- and I hope they show you love no matter what. This situation is a delicate one and as Christians we really ought to be more loving towards the person who deals with this cross.

You are no worse than any of us here and I will keep you in my prayers. Faith is so much deeper than sin, Jesus can cover up and heal the sins, and I pray you seek His counsel.

 

[singalovesong]

You are in my prayers, brother. :hugs:

 

[Michie]

You've gotten good & supportive advise so I'll just add my prayers.

 

[KeenanParkerII]

Hey CeeBee, welcome back to Christianforums. I'm Keenan.

What everyone else here said is right on the money. How can anyone possibly judge you? The Church glorifies sexuality between a man and a woman, but also and only as an expression of love. I am just as wrong lusting after girls as you are being attracted to guys.

Even if a priest was critical and judgmental, who is he to stand between you and God. Who were even the apostles to stand between a sinner and Jesus.

 

[Ave Maria]

Ceebee, you might check out Courage Apostolate. You can find the link at the bottom of my post. As a person who has struggled with same sex temptations in the past, I know what you are going through. Oh and you most certainly do have my prayers.

Courage

 

[MoNiCa4316]

prayers for you.

I'm sure the priest won't tell you that God hates you. The Church teaches that simply being gay, is not a sin. God does not hate you, but He loves you very much, and He is with you in your struggle

 

[eastcoast_bsc]

Hey CeeBee and HisAgain my brothers in the struggle. I am older than you two guys, and there are some things that I have learned. The first and most important is to not beat up on yourselves, it is too easy to do.

The second things, is to not let others beat up on you, there was in the past, person's on this site, who had almost a pathological hatred of Gays, you will find these types in your walk. Stay away from them.

I also tend to stay away from the whole reparational groupthink, like calling myself SSA. The constant use of this term makes me nauseous. In realiity it is just denial.

Other than this, I have no deep insight, I have self analyzed for over 20 years, most Gays do, and I am still as ambivalent today towards the whole Homosexual thing, as I was yesterday.

 

[CathNancy]

CeeBee, my prayers are with you.

Peace and all good,
Nancy

 

[Winter]

You're in my prayers, CeeBee - how courageous you are for trying so hard in all your endeavors. You got some great advice above. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

 

[JoabAnias]

Hi guys. CeeBee again. Gotta come for my every-few-months thread I guess....

Its my heart felt hope that this thread is only helpful to you.

The only things I could think of to add were to read what the CCC says which may restore your confidence in the impartiality of the Church over your plight my brother.

Especially the three paragraphs starting here: 2357

These links may also interest you:

Cardinal Ratzinger's Letter: http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19861001_homosexual-persons_en.html

Courage: http://couragerc.net/

National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality Web site: www.narth.com

Zenit: Change Is Possible for Gays, Says Psychologist

 

[Virgil the Roman]

Prayers for you.