I find this upsetting...

[BigNorsk]

Certainly a lot going on. I don't think this is really amateur hour on a discussion group time. I would suggest getting some professional help to get to the bottom of what is really going on with both you and him.

May I just say a couple of things about fantasies. First, I'm not sure if you are saying he is just having this fantasy or if he is saying he wants to act out this fantasy, I think you are feeling he wants to act it out because he tells you about it, but that isn't necessarily the case.

For instance, many women have rape fantasies. That actually doesn't mean they want to be raped or would in any way enjoy being raped. It also doesn't follow that because your husband has this fantasy of you with another man that he really desires that at all. He may, and his talking about the fantasy could be just a way to feel you out about it, but you should find out which it is.

If you aren't desiring sex at all, even if he only brings it up once in awhile it is likely to seem far to often to you. You seem to be having a lot of concerns about your husband and your relationship right now and that affects you and your sex drive. It sounds to me like you don't feel on solid ground in your marriage at all right now.

I really think you should seek professional help before these things continue to grow. Get things out in the open with some help to keep on track so they can be faced and dealt with.

Marv

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

You never know what this poor guy is thinking if his wife thinks sex is as exciting as ironing.

That *is* a possibility, even though it might be harsh. I mean, find ways to make your sex life more enjoyable (without the addition of another person). There are all sorts of enhancements and things that you can do to satisfy your husband both physically and in the variety area. (Variety is the spice of life)

So get your stillettos on gal and love up on that husband of yours! (oh, and enjoy it!!)

 

[emmasmum]

Hi again,

In response to a few people, I don't enjoy sex because my husband has really been emotionally abusive in the past. He will start arguing over what I would say is nothing and go on and on for ages about something even though i am saying nothing back and crying. I have wanted to leave in the past and I sometimes have bad dreams about him. If I start thinking about how he can get sometimes, I get very tense in bed and flinch from him touching me....

 

[Autumnleaf]

Hi again,

In response to a few people, I don't enjoy sex because my husband has really been emotionally abusive in the past. He will start arguing over what I would say is nothing and go on and on for ages about something even though i am saying nothing back and crying. I have wanted to leave in the past and I sometimes have bad dreams about him. If I start thinking about how he can get sometimes, I get very tense in bed and flinch from him touching me....

Being resentful of your husband is one of the quickest ways I know to kill a marriage. The same is true of husbands being resentful of their wives. To get past this you have to let go and give it to God or, leave and rinse, wash, and repeat this problem with another guy. Its up to you but I urge you to look at forgiveness and letting go so you can move on. You and your husband's marriage should be much more than the petty resentments which can plague all relationships if we let them.

 

[Leanna]

I think counseling could really help you guys....

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

I think counseling could really help you guys....

I agree. Counseling is the best route. Maybe husband is not being satisfied and it is kind of obvious that you are not, so I think it would help to have a mediator.

 

[makkulu]

For instance, many women have rape fantasies.
Marv

Interesting example. Got any evidence for this? Or is it anecdotal/ your own opinion/ conventional wisdom? Anecdotally, I would venture that many men believe that many women have rape fantasies, and I dare say that particular belief may even muddy the waters between the sexes even further than it sometimes is, and may even contribute to some rapes, too (plenty of victims get told "you know you really want this" after all). Hence, it's a dangerous line to just throw out there. I don't doubt that some women do have these thoughts, and I also don't doubt that it is due to their own brokenness or thinking that's all they are worth, consciously or subconsciously. But all that is a far cry from your statement, and from the type of fantasy that the OP is concerned about. Please explain?

Makk

 

[Strangeboat]

I don't doubt that some women do have these thoughts, and I also don't doubt that it is due to their own brokenness or thinking that's all they are worth, consciously or subconsciously

And I think that by the same token, the husband who has depraved fantasies may believe that it is all that he is worth. He may not see himself in the role of an empowered Christian man who is capable of enjoying genuine intimacy with his wife. Just as a woman may be enslaved to rape fantasies, men are often enslaved to desires which are beyond their control.

I would therefore say that this needs a measure of understanding - given the circumstances, from a trusted Christian counsellor. If the marriage situation is such that he is continually more and more unfulfilled because of her fear of him, and therefore feeling desperate, a spiral is going to ensue and things are probably going to get worse.

I don't think there is any easy answer to this situation, but help from a skilled counsellor will at least assist in uncovering some of the underlying issues. From there, a decision can be made by the couple as to what direction should be taken.

 

[lin1235]

Interesting example. Got any evidence for this? Or is it anecdotal/ your own opinion/ conventional wisdom? Anecdotally, I would venture that many men believe that many women have rape fantasies, and I dare say that particular belief may even muddy the waters between the sexes even further than it sometimes is, and may even contribute to some rapes, too (plenty of victims get told "you know you really want this" after all). Hence, it's a dangerous line to just throw out there. I don't doubt that some women do have these thoughts, and I also don't doubt that it is due to their own brokenness or thinking that's all they are worth, consciously or subconsciously. But all that is a far cry from your statement, and from the type of fantasy that the OP is concerned about. Please explain?

Makk

I think what Marv is saying is, sometimes a concept can seem erotic without the person having the fantasy actually wanting to do it. I'm NOT going to elaborate here because it would definitely be TMI but my husband and I have shared fantasies that we would never act out (it has nothing to do with a 3rd person though). Maybe the husband enjoys the fantasy without actually wanting to see it happen - like some people would fantasize about a celebrity but wouldn't touch him/her if they actually came close.

 

[Avaya]

Not all 'so called' Christians would like me saying this - labeling it 'judgemental' but I have to say that a Christian who is in fellowship with the Lord would ask his wife to have sex with someone else. Your husband isn't a pervert, he's walking away from God. Help him to turn back so he can see that he is behaving wrong.

Prayers!!!!!!!

 

[MaryBurwell]

Hi there,

My husband and I are both Christians and in our early 30's. Its just that he seems to be some kind of sex maniac/pervert now. He has had a fantasy for months about watching me do sexual things with his best friend. I find this upsetting especially as my mum has recently died and I can't believe he thinks about sex so much. We haven't been close for some time and at the moment i'm having trouble coming to terms with the way he treated my mum when she stayed with us. I just see sex as a job I have to do every so often like the ironing etc. I have prayed about it all but nothing seems to be happening and I don't know where my life is going. I will always trust in Jesus though, even though everything is so confusing.

If your husband's best friend is a man- ignore everything I wrote on here:

I think you might be part of the problem. You say you see sex as a "job". Either you are a prude or your husband is no good in bed. Have you ever had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]? If not I can see how you would see sex as a job. YOu need to learn how to enjoy sex. It is a normal thing for guys to fantasize about women doing "stuff" with other women. You don't have to take him seriously. That is just how our culture tells men they should think. Just feel lucky that you weren't one of King Solomon's thousands of wives or concubines. Even King David in the Bible had more than one wife and he was considered to be after God's own heart. Let your husband be a man. You DON'T have to be in submission to his silly fantasies, though. Guys are SUPPOSED to think about sex more than girls. Most of all- DO NOT THINK OF SEX AS A JOB. Most likely your husband is acting out because he is frustrated about not being able to please you. Try to learn to take pleasure in sex. Pleasure is a GOOD thing. Sexd is about being intimate with your husband and cherishing that chance you get to know him so personally. Most women ENJOY pleasing their husband. Don't focus on what your husband is doing wrong- that is not your business- your business is what you are doing. Read Song of Solomon in the Bible. Try to see the GOOD in your husband and IGNORE the bad.

Titus 1:15 says- "Unto he pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure;"

If your husband's best friend is a guy, he does have a serious problem.

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

Interesting example. Got any evidence for this? Or is it anecdotal/ your own opinion/ conventional wisdom? Anecdotally, I would venture that many men believe that many women have rape fantasies, and I dare say that particular belief may even muddy the waters between the sexes even further than it sometimes is, and may even contribute to some rapes, too (plenty of victims get told "you know you really want this" after all). Hence, it's a dangerous line to just throw out there. I don't doubt that some women do have these thoughts, and I also don't doubt that it is due to their own brokenness or thinking that's all they are worth, consciously or subconsciously. But all that is a far cry from your statement, and from the type of fantasy that the OP is concerned about. Please explain?

Makk

As a victim of molestation, I can honestly say that anyone who has experienced it SUUUURE isn't going to fantasize about it nor want to experience anything like it again. It is violent, traumatic, and a completely horrific experience...in any light.

I would say that most women probably don't want to be raped, they try to guard against it, and especially in a loving, gentle relationship with their spouse.*shrug* That is just my humble opinion.

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

If your husband's best friend is a man- ignore everything I wrote on here:

I think you might be part of the problem. You say you see sex as a "job". Either you are a prude or your husband is no good in bed. Have you ever had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]? If not I can see how you would see sex as a job. YOu need to learn how to enjoy sex. It is a normal thing for guys to fantasize about women doing "stuff" with other women. You don't have to take him seriously. That is just how our culture tells men they should think. Just feel lucky that you weren't one of King Solomon's thousands of wives or concubines. Even King David in the Bible had more than one wife and he was considered to be after God's own heart. Let your husband be a man. You DON'T have to be in submission to his silly fantasies, though. Guys are SUPPOSED to think about sex more than girls. Most of all- DO NOT THINK OF SEX AS A JOB. Most likely your husband is acting out because he is frustrated about not being able to please you. Try to learn to take pleasure in sex. Pleasure is a GOOD thing. Sexd is about being intimate with your husband and cherishing that chance you get to know him so personally. Most women ENJOY pleasing their husband. Don't focus on what your husband is doing wrong- that is not your business- your business is what you are doing. Read Song of Solomon in the Bible. Try to see the GOOD in your husband and IGNORE the bad.

Titus 1:15 says- "Unto he pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure;"

If your husband's best friend is a guy, he does have a serious problem.

Couple of verses in regards to this post (from the Bible):

"What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean"--Matthew 15:11

"Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught. But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are [the things] which defile a man"--Matthew 15:18-20a

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things. "--Philippians 4:8

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. "--Matthew 5:28

Thus saith the Lord of Hosts and I think that His word will suffice.

 

[Leanna]

What the............ women have rape fantasies? I don't think so. Women may enjoy sometimes not being the "leader" in the sexual excapade, just as well as sometimes men enjoy not being the leader of that days, er, events..... but rape fantasies? This is a far cry from truth.

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

What the............ women have rape fantasies? I don't think so. Women may enjoy sometimes not being the "leader" in the sexual excapade, just as well as sometimes men enjoy not being the leader of that days, er, events..... but rape fantasies? This is a far cry from truth.

 

[SteelDisciple]

Hi there,

My husband and I are both Christians and in our early 30's. Its just that he seems to be some kind of sex maniac/pervert now. He has had a fantasy for months about watching me do sexual things with his best friend. I find this upsetting especially as my mum has recently died and I can't believe he thinks about sex so much. We haven't been close for some time and at the moment i'm having trouble coming to terms with the way he treated my mum when she stayed with us. I just see sex as a job I have to do every so often like the ironing etc. I have prayed about it all but nothing seems to be happening and I don't know where my life is going. I will always trust in Jesus though, even though everything is so confusing.

A job?? Well dang..that's the problem right there..NO passion in your relationship.

 

[4jacks]

A job?? Well dang..that's the problem right there..NO passion in your relationship.

I think asking your wife to do a horizontal booty dance with your best freind is a Bigger problem that lacking Passion in your marriage.



But well that's just me.

 

[BigNorsk]

Interesting example. Got any evidence for this? Or is it anecdotal/ your own opinion/ conventional wisdom? Anecdotally, I would venture that many men believe that many women have rape fantasies, and I dare say that particular belief may even muddy the waters between the sexes even further than it sometimes is, and may even contribute to some rapes, too (plenty of victims get told "you know you really want this" after all). Hence, it's a dangerous line to just throw out there. I don't doubt that some women do have these thoughts, and I also don't doubt that it is due to their own brokenness or thinking that's all they are worth, consciously or subconsciously. But all that is a far cry from your statement, and from the type of fantasy that the OP is concerned about. Please explain?

Makk

Knox, D. (1984). Human sexuality: The search for understanding. St. Paul, MN: West Publishing Co.
Claims that 24% of males and 35% of females have rape fantasies. p 283

Doskoch, P. (Sept., 1995). The safest sex. Psychology Today , 28 , 46-49.
Says that for 10% of women that being forced to have sex is their favorite sexual fantasy.

I am not in any way saying that rape fantacies mean that women want to be raped. That was the point. There is a huge gulf between fantasy and desire.

What is even a more common fantasy is the fantasy of seeing others have sex. In the OP we hear that the man has this fantasy of seeing his wife have sex with his best friend. It is a fantasy and it doesn't mean that he really wants it to happen. I used the example of the rape fantasy to show how a fantasy is not necessarily something that is actually desired. Most often, they really aren't.

The poster should seek help to figure out what is really going on. She seems to assume that the husband wants her to have sex with his best friend. He might, but he doesn't necessarily, the fantasy doesn't prove it at all. Maybe the guy has some theory that he has to share every dream or fantasy with his wife and maybe she has some idea that everything he shares is some sort of demand to do it.

We don't know, but what is worse is she doesn't either. She needs to find out and we can't tell her here.

Marv

 

[Ilovemyhusband]

I think asking your wife to do a horizontal booty dance with your best freind is a Bigger problem that lacking Passion in your marriage.



But well that's just me.

4jacks, where ya been!!!!

Anyways, 4 jacks (once again I hate to admit this) is right. There is a bigger problem than loss of variety, passion, and interest in sex. The problem is a rightness in a relationship with the Lord almighty.

 

[4jacks]

4jacks, where ya been!!!!

Hiding