I feel unsupported (by people)

[BonnieL322]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry for everyones’ losses. I’m about to vent and maybe complain about something I have to admit I’m feeling....unsupported (by people and my churches).

I am 34 and raising our 4 children (9 and under). My husband died in June last year and this year I lost my dad in June and my mom last month. My extended family live states away and I was raised here, so aside from my siblings (who live 70 miles away), I feel pretty alone as in human contact (yes, I am fully aware God is with me, I know He is, and usually any Christian person who hears me talk about my grief feels compelled to point this out as if I’ve forgotten or didn’t know). I’m talking about human interaction, a human shoulder, a human who actually specifically cares about and knows me.

I began going to a new church so that my kids had more children to socialize with in a Christian setting. There is a larger congregation here, and a lot of clubs and programs. A few people welcomed me and heard my story and offered their condolences and I got a couple gas cards when my
Mom died because of all the driving.

My pastor from my previous church (at the church where we went during marriage, and the man who married us and did my son’s and husband’s funerals) contacts me every couple months. Even when seeing them regularly before my switch though...I just feel like people are so uncomfortable they just don’t want to be around me. I don’t even cry usually, and I like to talk and laugh...I don’t feel like I’m a billboard for a hot mess or anything lol. But it’s like as soon as they know “about” my life, something changes. I try to make adjustments to both be gentle on myself yet not deprive myself of social situations, like when I go to service I sit away from the huge mass, but near other solo people. But couples file in afterward and sit in front of me. I try to not be distracted or too triggered in the moment, but I feel so unsupported for so long now that it does bother me now. Now I signed up for a prayer group of other mothers my age, but don’t go because I don’t want to hear about their husbands and obviously, n one wants to hear about mine and or how I hope to find one. I am in a limbo, where I don’t feel single but don’t have the blessings of marriage, and I feel married but feel the disadvantages of being single. It seems extremely hard to let alone find Christian single men my age let alone date. And when I express a desire to do so, I’m told I shouldn’t base my worth on it etc. when did simply wanting to court and remarry become basing my
Worth and all of my
Happiness on marriage?? That annoys me, and not as in I lash out etc, but it does become irritating. I feel like my desires are invalidated and I’m chastised like a child, and that when I express my grief, it is invalidated and I’m accused of not seeing that I am abundantly blessed. I am abundantly blessed. But I am also isolated socially from other humans because my grief and circumstances make them uncomfortable, and that is not fair to me. And as far as my desire to remarry, I had a stillborn son before our living children. While having living children did not take away the pain, or his memory, and did not replace him, it filled the maternal part of my being with a joy, so there is joy in a part of my heart where there is also deep grief. While a stepfather for my kids and a husband for me can’t take away the pain we’ve been through in that area of life, and he will be a different man, he will bring joy to a part of our he attended where there is currently just a gaping empty noticeable hole. I don’t know exactly what my expectations of the church and its people were when I became widowed, but I feel disappointed and let down, so I guess I expected more support.

thank you for letting me vent and share, and please...don’t invalidate my
Grief and or my
Desires...I’ve had enough of that offline.

 

[zephcom]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry for everyones’ losses. I’m about to vent and maybe complain about something I have to admit I’m feeling....unsupported (by people and my churches).

I am 34 and raising our 4 children (9 and under). My husband died in June last year and this year I lost my dad in June and my mom last month. My extended family live states away and I was raised here, so aside from my siblings (who live 70 miles away), I feel pretty alone as in human contact (yes, I am fully aware God is with me, I know He is, and usually any Christian person who hears me talk about my grief feels compelled to point this out as if I’ve forgotten or didn’t know). I’m talking about human interaction, a human shoulder, a human who actually specifically cares about and knows me.

I began going to a new church so that my kids had more children to socialize with in a Christian setting. There is a larger congregation here, and a lot of clubs and programs. A few people welcomed me and heard my story and offered their condolences and I got a couple gas cards when my
Mom died because of all the driving.

My pastor from my previous church (at the church where we went during marriage, and the man who married us and did my son’s and husband’s funerals) contacts me every couple months. Even when seeing them regularly before my switch though...I just feel like people are so uncomfortable they just don’t want to be around me. I don’t even cry usually, and I like to talk and laugh...I don’t feel like I’m a billboard for a hot mess or anything lol. But it’s like as soon as they know “about” my life, something changes. I try to make adjustments to both be gentle on myself yet not deprive myself of social situations, like when I go to service I sit away from the huge mass, but near other solo people. But couples file in afterward and sit in front of me. I try to not be distracted or too triggered in the moment, but I feel so unsupported for so long now that it does bother me now. Now I signed up for a prayer group of other mothers my age, but don’t go because I don’t want to hear about their husbands and obviously, n one wants to hear about mine and or how I hope to find one. I am in a limbo, where I don’t feel single but don’t have the blessings of marriage, and I feel married but feel the disadvantages of being single. It seems extremely hard to let alone find Christian single men my age let alone date. And when I express a desire to do so, I’m told I shouldn’t base my worth on it etc. when did simply wanting to court and remarry become basing my
Worth and all of my
Happiness on marriage?? That annoys me, and not as in I lash out etc, but it does become irritating. I feel like my desires are invalidated and I’m chastised like a child, and that when I express my grief, it is invalidated and I’m accused of not seeing that I am abundantly blessed. I am abundantly blessed. But I am also isolated socially from other humans because my grief and circumstances make them uncomfortable, and that is not fair to me. And as far as my desire to remarry, I had a stillborn son before our living children. While having living children did not take away the pain, or his memory, and did not replace him, it filled the maternal part of my being with a joy, so there is joy in a part of my heart where there is also deep grief. While a stepfather for my kids and a husband for me can’t take away the pain we’ve been through in that area of life, and he will be a different man, he will bring joy to a part of our he attended where there is currently just a gaping empty noticeable hole. I don’t know exactly what my expectations of the church and its people were when I became widowed, but I feel disappointed and let down, so I guess I expected more support.

thank you for letting me vent and share, and please...don’t invalidate my
Grief and or my
Desires...I’ve had enough of that offline.

Grief is a natural human emotion. It is part of how much you cared for those who have died. And it just takes time to work through.

I would suggest that while church is an important part of your life you should not expect it to magically make things better for you. You are clearly very busy with four children who are also experiencing grief from these deaths, but socializing as you feel comfortable with it outside the church environment will help as you live through the grief.

There are likely some activities or volunteer programs in your community which might welcome a little help and give you an opportunity to ease yourself back into your community.

What you are going through is tough, very tough. But it is essential for being able to move on. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will get better.

 

[blackribbon]

((hugs))...that is it. I "get it" but really have no advice to offer. God provides but my experience is that it is a fairly lonely journey.


Zephcon...Honestly, a widowed mother of 4 young children and you think she has time or energy to volunteer somewhere? She is now mother and father and sole support of her family with no family supporting her emotionally or financially. I couldn't believe how much people expected me to give when getting out of bed every morning and facing life without my husband about wiped me out everyday. I got out of bed simply because my kids needed me to. Ten years later, I am living my life again ... but honestly, if I didn't know my now young adult children still needed me, I think I would serious debate if getting up was worth it.

And Bonnie, I remember the time my kids came home to collect money for the "widows and orphans" in other countries when that church wouldn't help me financially send my kids to our own church's youth activities.

 

[BonnieL322]

Black ribbon,

thanks. Part of what I really liked about this new church was that, ironically, the first sermon I heard there was about the “vulnerable”...widows and orphans.

I’ve gotten condolences and sparse financial help here and there. My husband worked hard and died young, so actually I am still a homemaker like during most of our marriage. Once the kids are grown though, I won’t really have anything left in finances. But that’s a whole other topic. However, Though I don’t work outside of the home, I do raise four young ones solo and take care of the house etc. And now with more grief and little To no emotional support, I’m just tired. I have to prioritize my time and energy, and my kids and home life and church are the main ones. I didn’t expect the churches to magically make it better, but I did expect churches to like...care a lot more. My childrens’ school cares way more than my
Churches do; though, basically just about the kids. I feel like all I am is a mother...that woolens don’t want to know that I have feelings, that I do what a wife does but don’t get any of the advantages and companionship (and even those hardships) a wife does. That is sad, no matter what excuses someone wants to lay over these congregations. You can’t pour from an empty cup, someone should care about me too.

I do not have the emotional energy to socialize in extracurricular activities, if that involves being around other women my age who still have their husbands and do not understand what I’m going through. Initially that did not bother me, but since all of those “I’m here if you need anythings” basically turned out to be empty slogans people threw at me when he died, I don’t feel like people care and they’re more concerned with feeling comfortable and not being around the young widow with 4 kids. I can’t even go to the widow group at the new church....the youngest lady there is 25 years older than me. She got her decades with her husband and he left behind alot of security for the remainder of her life. They all seem uninterested in remarriage. I want remarriage. My kids want a stepfather. It’s just too different, even though it’s in the same arena. Just like with my stillbirth...it kinda stings when I hear a mother who lost an older child talk about the memories they got to make. We both had a loss, but there are unique differences. I’m not saying one is worse than the other, just that there are circumstances that can cause division there, especially at certain stages in grief.

so again I say, I feel unsupported by churches and people, during a time when I should have plenty of emotional support available to me. The lack of support I’ve gotten since losing my husband and parents is sooooooooo far less than what I got after losing our baby 11 years ago. I’d even go as far as to say I barely have gotten any. I am grateful to those very few who truly offered something in the way of help, however. It obviously must require people
To go way out of their comfort zone to support a young widow raising young kids since people
Mostly don’t, so I commend them.

But I sure wish I had a bunch of friends etc rallying around me like my oldest sister does, and her husband doting on and comforting her around the clock. I feel like these bitter (and even not bitter, just painful) thoughts wouldn’t really have a place to surface if I’d have had some actual solid support platform offered to me. Now I’ve just gone solo in the human sense for so long through so much that I just feel uncared for, and like people just want me to stay away so they don’t have to see my grief.

 

[blackribbon]

I get all you say. I have no answers since I didn't find any solutions. I only know God was there and is traveling with me in life. And for those who like to say "Jesus can be your husband"... umm... not the same thing. I still deal with anger and I have made my way even though I never wanted to be doing this alone. I will pray you find that special someone but be aware that dating comes with its own complicating factors. I tended to trust people too much. However, that doesn't mean it isn't a good thing.

I'm having a bad day personally...but I wanted to respond and give you a cyber hug.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Yesterday should have been our 21st anniversary and was 9 weeks since he died. I've never felt so alone in my life. No real support anywhere. I miss the physical affection (not s*x) most. The cuddles, kisses, walking hand in hand. That's the only reason I'd consider another relationship...the lack of physical contact (not s*x). Thing is, men my age (mid 50's) come with too much baggage and are all looking for a 25 year old instead of a chubby 55 year old. So, I'll have to learn to be alone.

The platitudes that church people throw out DO NOT help one bit. My husband died due to medical malpractice and I'm still enraged (yes, I have an attorney and am suing). The WORST was when someone compared their maybe divorce with my husband's death. Sorry, they ain't the same.

 

[BonnieL322]

Sorry for the loss of your husband.

I miss all aspects, including all of the physical aspects. I am in my prime and am raising 4 kids solo and don’t even get to have a s*x life now.

I feel like my age and having 4 kids etc will make it hard for me to find a husband now, but I don’t want to be completely hopeless because I know God can do what I cannot on that area, such as guide me and all. But on the whole, as things are now, life is pretty much in a sad state.

 

[William45]

Yesterday should have been our 21st anniversary and was 9 weeks since he died. I've never felt so alone in my life. No real support anywhere. I miss the physical affection (not s*x) most. The cuddles, kisses, walking hand in hand. That's the only reason I'd consider another relationship...the lack of physical contact (not s*x). Thing is, men my age (mid 50's) come with too much baggage and are all looking for a 25 year old instead of a chubby 55 year old. So, I'll have to learn to be alone.

The platitudes that church people throw out DO NOT help one bit. My husband died due to medical malpractice and I'm still enraged (yes, I have an attorney and am suing). The WORST was when someone compared their maybe divorce with my husband's death. Sorry, they ain't the same.

 

[William45]

Sorry about your loss,I know how these feels.I lost my wife to cancer about 3 years ago and it really had a toll on me.be strong and all will be well soon

 

[Natto]

Just don't go to that church that you don't feel being supported and appreciated. You not deal with following God alone, raising kids, but feeling being empty , and unsupported in that sphere.

 

[Rom10:9]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry for everyones’ losses. I’m about to vent and maybe complain about something I have to admit I’m feeling....unsupported (by people and my churches).

 

[Rom10:9]

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through since the loss of your husband. Churches are full of people, some more helpful than others. A lot of people don't know what to say or do. So they do nothing to help. We are to share one another's pain. Find a mentor, someone to listen and give you occasional guidance. Pray you find the Peace from Christ and someone to mentor you and listen. Keep looking up.
Kent

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I lost my husband last week and have had no support from the Church we were attending. My help has come from an old piano pupil, half my age who has come and brought sandwiches for my lunch, delicious, and sat and chatted. She has called every day and even made a key ring with my husband's picture on it. I thank God for her, there has been no one else.

 

[Techo]

It is difficult. Divorce and death of a spouse are different... I've been through both... and though some of the factors may be common a death is so much more permanent... there are no 'what ifs' or hope that somehow the marriage will be restored.

Before I married her my wife was a single mother raising 2 young children on a blind pension (basically like running a car on the smell of an oil rag)... but she, somehow, coped... the occasional miracle helped. As has been found here there may be little support for this group within many fellowships. She found some women, after she became single, did not want her near for fear she might steal their husband. (This was in her man-hating stage so there was no way it would have happened). With all the difficulties she faced as a single, legally blind mother she still committed herself to doing a year of Bible school and would invite people back for meals when she had virtually nothing in the cupboard... it might have only been toasted cheese sandwiches... but she would share what she had with people who may have been better off than she was herself. She would leave early to walk 20 minutes to Church, with her two children in tow, so that she'd be in time to practice in the Worship Team and be part of the group leading worship. "Who can find a virtuous woman?... " oh... hang on... think I did! She was not any better or any worse than any other single mother raising a family on her own. She just did not let that define her and did the best she could in all the situations that she found herself in.

After my wife died there were a lot of people expressing their condolences. I got invited around for meal by some of the closer friends. Others said "We'll have to have you over some time!" to which I would reply "Yeah! That'd be great" but I've not placed any expectations upon them. I went away for 2.5 months to do the trip I was not able to take her on... fulfill her desire to visit, and say goodbye to, some of our other fellowships... then when I had returned there were less people saying how sorry they were for my loss (but perhaps that had already been said). Invites for tea have reduced and people seem less concerned when I'm sitting alone in Church. I still get the occasional invites for a meal but this surprises me because I do not expect people to do this. People still ask me how I'm doing and mostly I say I'm doing OK... mostly I am... just sometimes the loss gets me again... but that's just another bit of the pain to having no contact with the children of my first marriage... and I put it aside as best I can.

It'll get easier... probably. Young children, as my wife demonstrated, can learn to help mom with jobs round the house. We'll get use, eventually, to not having our spouse to snuggle up to at night. People at Church may even work out how to relate to someone who has lost their spouse. (I might be ahead of the game there since we've lost a fair few people, Statewide, over the past few decades). I suppose the only thing we can do is to give as much or as little as we have, of ourselves, to others from what we have in our current situation and trust God to supply what else we lack.