I feel like such a freak. Warning, very disturbing and probably triggers...

[Flyingsheep]

I'm just going to say you're not alone or abnormal in any way. I've been sexually abused when I was a child and as I've become more of an adult I've dealt with twisted self-abuse like things that arouse me, and fought with desires to hurt myself in ways I'm not going to explain right now. And I understand the screaming at yourself in your head. I hope me being honest about this helps you see that it has nothing to do with you, and God can and will deliver you. I know He will with me also.

 

[Michaela7]

Yes you are not alone.I too was sexually abused and then raped by 5 gang members in Houston.I know what can come of this.You are not alone.You are not disgusting.I know that the sexual fantasies can have a vice grip on you.These happen to me,and yes being an honest Christian this still haunts me,it still temp's me.And it win's sometimes.But know that God's grace is sufficient for you.It will go away!Know this well please,GOD is the answer.Know it is not HIS will for this to happen to you.Know that Hhe was always holding you together.Know that HE has held you together.Just turn to HIM.He knows what happened.He knows the pain you feel.Turn to HIM.Be open and honest with Him.He will comfort you.He is just waiting for you to open your heart to HIM in this situation and in all situations.Please know HE loves you beyond your own or mine own or anyone's else's own,comprehension!
God is love.God is patient and He is kind and long suffering.God Never changes.Praise be HE.He loves!If you ever need someone to talk to plase feel free to message me.

 

[bendslikeawillow]

H, if you are still around, please PM. I would really like to talk.

 

[Livvy95]

You are not alone. While some survivors hate the idea of sex, others are aroused by sex that is similar to the abuse they experienced. It's quite common. But in saying that, I personally don't think acting on it would be healthy in regards to your healing. But I am not a professional, and I would most definitely speak to a counsellor about it

 

[TamaraLynne]

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

Actually......you are reliving it to make sense of it. Its like trying to recapture a part in time.....the thing is...when we are trying to capture it during normal sex it gets confused. Because we feel safe with our partner and it is like mixing the past with the present and it just does not work......but we might be desensitizing ourselves subconsciously by doing this to subside the painful emotions.It might actually be ourselves trying to heal ourselves. But at some point when we realize this we need to stop...and I mean stop!!!! Because it interferes with our self image of how we view ourselves. Some people actually take the opposite route and try to understand their attacker. In doing this they become the aggressor and they are taking control. Because they want to understand "WHY?"
What ever place we find that our imagination takes control and for to long...we give it to God because it becomes to big for us...because sex is always the trigger. One thing to remember...is God does not leave us in our time of need...he sooooo understands where we are...he feels all that we feel...all of it...all of it.............

 

[White~Horse]

h_lektronika,

First off, I'm sorry and you did not deserve to be raped. No one does. You are a precious child of God, a daughgter of the King of kings. You are special, and will rule angels one day.

Secondly, you are not a freak. Victims of molestation/assault can react either way...some shut down completely sexually...some act out in ways they never thought they would. Or, if a victim from youth, maybe start out promiscuous at an early age.

Neither end of the spectrum makes you a freak. It makes you wounded from a harmful assault which can injure your psyche and can, in some cases of PTSD, actually injure your brain in ways which can clearly be seen by experts with the proper medical tests.

That doesn't make you crazy any more than if someone assaulted you and broke your leg makes you crazy.

Be nice to yourself. Would you call a friend or family member who experienced that a freak for having struggles with their sex life afterward? Of course not. So give yourself the same courtesy, respect, love, understanding and grace. You deserve it.

Stay in counseling as long as it takes. You are in my prayers.

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

 

[lutheran87]

I know someone who was raped.. her counselor said that she has those fantasies because after being raped at such a young age, she thought it was normal. However, you admitted that there is something wrong with you, and that is a good start to recovery.. See a counselor asap

Those are abnormal fantasies, but it's great that you're looking for help

Seek help
Will pray for you.
God bless

 

[r21c]

I'm not an assault survivor--I bopped in here, drawn by the 'feeling like a freak' title. But I'll repeat what was said before me: rape fantasies are completely normal. Tons of women, and men, have them and play them out, without any harmful effects. I've known people who have them in response to assault, specifically-- some people feel like turning that scenario into a game they can enjoy is a way of taking back control over it and themselves. For others, it's like a way of seeing and doing it over and over again, until it loses the power, just from over-exposure.

What? Rape fantasies. That is deplorable. Why would anyone want to do that?

Assault is clearly a painful crime.

My advice to young women is muscle up. Their will always be dangerous men, it's risk when you are out with a man or a group of men. A woman can be intoxicated, just the same as a man out there who gay, assault is assault. It doesn't change the meaning. But ultimately that is impairment.

 

[saris]

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....

It must be understood that, yes, most sexual abuse victims become timid or very uncomfortable with sex; some like yourself become promiscuous and highly sexual.

The simplest way to explain why... is that it's your way of fighting back, taking charge of your sexuality.

The simulation of rape, puts YOU in control.

This is usually how very strong-willed women are after the terrible act.

You're a fighter, so it's pretty much a ... bird... to the person who tried to control you and your sexuality.

It's not a perversion by the way... this is well known...

 

[ParentofChildren]

I agree with the previous post, people are aroused by different things and this does not make you abnormal or weird in anyway and I also agree that it does not have to be related to your assault. No two people respond to the same situation the exact same way, while some women who are survivors have a difficult time with sexuality afterwards, there are some that become more sexually active and expressive sometimes as a means of having the control back that was taken from them, or for other reasons. As I said no two people respond the same, you are normal, and it is ok. I would just be open with your boyfriend and hopefully he will be understanding.

Cherishmj has a good understanding. You probably enjoy the control aspect. I cant imagine going through the pain toward acceptance. Hopefully for your own sake, you can manage the urges for sex. You seem very level headed for all the baggage you manage. Keep walking with the lord, see counselors when it gets to much, and pray.

 

[joyinhispresence]

You know, there are probably a LOT of people out there who are just as afraid as you are to really admit this sort of thing. It takes a lot of strength! I think that, when I was dealing with my crap concerning the situations of abuse in my life, I was crying out for help in a lot of ways. I was utterly disgusted with myself at many times, and Jesus gave me His Strength to keep going, and to let Him work on me to complete the healing He had started in me. He is not surprised nor horrified by what you are just seeing in yourself; He has seen it for a long time, and is calling to you to give this whole thing to Him. I really believe that He is letting you see this, so that you can give it to Him and receive His Love and Forgiveness into your heart. He loves you, so very deeply!!! Prayers and hugs for your healing!!!!