I feel like a ping pong ball- Advice and prayers needed

[horsezgirl]

I could really use some advice from a Christian perspective. My husband of 3 1/2 yrs filed for divorce after a year of saying he wanted one, his reason being he just doesn't want to be married anymore and this marriage is the reason for all of his unhappieness(red flags right there). Added to that he's brought up more then once that he believes he has some PTSD, he was active duty military for 8 yrs.

I've spent the past year trying my hardest to be a good wife by biblical standards, talk about learning about what true love is and giving without receiving. I've spent a lot of time really working on myself and this relationship, I've been praying that God would change his heart as well. But he has no interesting in trying to fix things or trying to go to counseling.

This past year feels like a circle, things will get better he'll be affectionate, considerate and even saying he loves me, then out of nowhere he'll say he wants a divorce. Yet through everything we still sleep in the same bed, shower together and have a good sex life. There aren't any major arguments and we still go out and eat dinner or see a movie and have a good time.

I am beyond confused on where to go from here. I've had several people tell me he's just using me, but I honestly wonder if it's something deeper going on with him. I don't know whether to keep trying to hold this together and contest the divorce he filed or even tell him I'll give him an uncontested divorce if he agrees to go to counseling and still wants a divorce....

 

[Johnnz]

There can be several reasons behind his actions. But most of them are cause for concern and clear thinking. When a person no longer wants responsibility that speaks of a self centredness that is the death of any marriage.

You may be facing some harsh realities and some tough decisions. Mere piety won't be enough.

John
NZ

 

[Puptart]

To be quite frank, he sounds like he's conflicted about being with one person for the rest of his life, and he may be wondering if there's someone else out there that would be "better".

The problem is that the grass is almost never greener on the other side. Some people freak out after the commitment happens, sometimes right away, sometimes years down the road, when they begin to realize "what about all those other people out there I won't be able to sleep with or kiss or... [insert whatever]". But the grass is never greener. It's a figment of our imagination most of the time (with exception to cases of legitimate abuse or neglect, obviously!) that what we have now is insufficient.

What you describe is a pattern of behavior demanding counseling, more so on his part than yours, but still couples counseling could be helpful as well.

Is he using you? Well I don't think a lot of people get married just to use someone.. I think he has internal conflict that has to be worked out and that he has to speak with someone immediately about it, as well as be more honest with you as well about what he is thinking and feeling.

The fact that one day he wants to divorce and the next he doesn't and he's fully willing to have sex with you is the most concerning part, probably the past that makes people say "He's using you". Frankly unless he's willing to be 100% certain of his commitment to you, I would not be sleeping with him, but at the same time I'd want to speak to a counselor first before cutting him off (which could, without communication and perhaps counseling, cause more problems than not).

Ultimately if you aren't comfortable with his behavior, make sure you aren't just giving in to sex because you feel it will "solve" anything. It won't. This is a deeper issue that requires deeper solutions.

If it were me, given ONLY the information in your original post.. I'd probably contest the divorce in favor of getting counseling, because right now I don't think your husband is thinking clearly and I think he will severely regret just up and leaving you without first working intensely to save the relationship. I'd want to push for that, even if he's not so sure.

 

[horsezgirl]

I guess I should add that I've asked him for us to go to marital counseling more then once throughout our marriage, but he always refuses. At one point about 2 yrs ago his work sent him to talk to someone due to anger management issues. Today I set up an apt to go talk to someone on Friday, but I know he won't be interested in going.

I've asked him more then once does he want to end this because he want's to be with someone else and the response I get is he just want's to be alone with his dog. However knowing his past he slept around a LOT unless he was in a relationship.

I've cut off the sex before when these issues first came up over a yr ago but then communication totally stops. Things seem better between us and the relationship when things continue as normal. Plus sex is one of the few times when he doesn't seem to be thinking only of himself...

I wish you could make people go to counseling and even better have an open mind. But Friday I will go talk to the counselor even if it's by myself...

 

[Johnnz]

I wouldn't hold my breath hoping he will change sometime soon, based on my experience with people like that.

John
NZ

 

[Easyk]

Well true, if he has PTSD and is a Christian he is failing a basic scripture.. Husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church.. Fail right there..

Sometimes starting small is good, he should find a Christian counseler who can help him thru his PTSD.. And couple counseling so you can learn to help each other and you him and him you.. He needs to understand how much you love him and want to help him and encourage him. He is conflicted and needs help.

 

[Easyk]

Oh and the PTSD counselr must be male, sorry but well we are all human...