I realize that you shouldn't rely too much on feelings with your faith, because they have the potential to be very misleading, and can thus negatively impact your relationship with God as a result. 'Feel' is probably a poor word choice, but unfortunately it's the only word I can find that fits.
As the title of the post says, I feel betrayed by God. I will explain why below.
Most of my life has been pain, sorrow, and hardship; everyone deals with the aforementioned stuff to some degree, but the reality is life is just more difficult for some people than it is for either, and not solely because of having a negative outlook. The sad truth is that unfortunately for whatever reason(s), some people face more pain, sorrow, hardship than others do.
I was born with Asperger's Syndrome (a milder form of Autism) and was also born with a learning disability; Asperger's Syndrome unfortunately is chronic and effects every aspect of a person's life who has it. This isn't being negative it's just the reality of having it. From a communication standpoint, I grew up in a household where the dynamic was very dysfunctional (yes my parents loved and cared about me, provided for me, etc.).
Due to the the fact that Asperger's syndrome is a milder form of Autism, many times it's not even seen as a legitimate disability, and many times isn't taken seriously as a result. To exacerbate things, with our education system if you have any kind of disability, you're not even given a chance (at least not in American society), you're defined by your disability and seen as destined to fail because of having the disability. You also tend to be stigmatized and seen as inferior because of having a disability (by the church, by society, and sadly sometimes by your family too). Most people (and sadly this sometimes applies to Christians too) don't even make the effort to attempt to understand the disability; this also applies to mental illness (which IS NOT THE SAME as a mental disability) and I have chronic depression that I've struggled with 18 years.
Unfortunately having a disability comes with a huge set of barriers, and a major one is that people with disabilities are far more likely to be in poverty. To make things more frustrating, most Americans just assume that there's only one kind of poverty, (which there's not) and they tend to view poverty as the type that is the most extreme (i.e. no food, no potable water, no place to live, no consistent access to electricity and other utilities). The reality is that in a first world country, you can have access to all the above mentioned things, and still be in poverty; the reason for this is because that in a first world country like USA, extreme poverty is very rare because it's a first world country. I am in financial poverty; I have a source of income, but it's not enough to live off of. If I try to earn enough money that it IS enough to live off of, my income is cut. I realize that if you're trying to become self-sufficient via a FT job (not living off disability) that it's not expected that you live off disability forever. However the truth is that while you're still in the process of making the transition to being self-sufficient via a job, you need to have your main source of income while you're still making that transition, and if your main income is cut and/or taken away completely while you're making this transition, you're back where you started and/or your worse off than you were before. The way the american welfare system is set up makes it close to impossible to get off of it, because you're essentially penalized for working.
To make things more frustrating, there is often this mentality (both with American culture as a whole and with mainstream Christianity) that all you have to do is work hard enough, try hard enough, and things will work out. My generation (millennials) have barriers to contend with that previous generations didn't have to deal with, I am not only dealing with the barriers common to my generation, but also the barriers that come with having a disability. As a result, the work hard and try hard and you can accomplish anything shtick doesn't work, especially if you have a disability.
Last but not least, the sad truth is that with contemporary and mainstream Christian culture in America, it's very common that people with disabilities and also those with mental disabilities, are the ones that tend to be forgotten and stigmatized. I am not making generalizations with this, I am speaking from about 10-15 years personal experience of going to mainstream Christian churches in America.
I also went through emotional and verbal abuse as a kid via bullying, and as a result, is partially the reason why I have most of the mental and emotional issues I do today. The typical 'solution' from Christians is 'go see a counselor' but that's only ONE of many issues I'm dealing with. TO make things more frustrating most Christians aren't willing to make the effor to attempt to understand mental illness. It's either that or those that don't have mental illness in the church, think they will make things worse/do the wrong thing since they don't have it, so they don't do anything, which isn't the solution, and it's not helping, it's indirectly isolating those with mental illness, who already receive enough stigma as it is. You don't have to be a counselor to support someone with mental illness, and there is this unwritten rule with most christian churches, you don't openly talk about something that has the potential to offend/intimidate and/or make someone feel uncomfortable, and mental illness falls under this category. Having support with mental illness makes it easier to deal with, and when you can't openly talk about it at church on sundays, and small groups/life groups, that's NOT being supportive!
Due to all the aforementioned stuff I feel very betrayed by God. He knew how difficult all this stuff would make my life, and yet he allowed it to happen anyway. have been dealing with all the aforementioned stuff for at least 10 years, and there is no end in site. I realize that Jesus promised difficulty/trials but He didn't say that's all life is going to consist of here on earth either. The Bible promises a hope and a future, and I realize that following God means relinquishing what you want for your life, your plans/desires etc. However all I want is to not live in chronic poverty which sucks, and to not live in chronic stress, which is what most normal people want! However I feel trapped, and things seem hopeless. I wake up daily knowing I'm going to have to deal with all the aforementioned stuff. This isn't just 'difficult circumstances' it's the reality of my life. I hate where I live, but can't afford to live on my own, even if finances weren't an issue, I can't live alone, because it WILL make my depression worse. I live with chronic stress, and it's been this way for most of my adult life. I AM NOT SAYING that God is the cause of my problems/issues I'm dealing with in my life. God in his sovereignty allows both good and bad things to happen (the book of Job is a perfect example of this) Saying that God ALLOWS bad stuff to happen isn't somehow insinuating that he's the cause of the bad stuff, there is a difference between saying God allows bad stuff to happen, and saying he's the source of the bad stuff, and I'm not saying he's the source of the stuff I'm dealing with. I can't just force myself to trust God when I don't and I've prayed incessantly about all this stuff and why I'm angry with God, but I'm still angry with Him, I still feel betrayed by Him, and I still don't trust Him. I am at a loss of what to do.
As the title of the post says, I feel betrayed by God. I will explain why below.
Most of my life has been pain, sorrow, and hardship; everyone deals with the aforementioned stuff to some degree, but the reality is life is just more difficult for some people than it is for either, and not solely because of having a negative outlook. The sad truth is that unfortunately for whatever reason(s), some people face more pain, sorrow, hardship than others do.
I was born with Asperger's Syndrome (a milder form of Autism) and was also born with a learning disability; Asperger's Syndrome unfortunately is chronic and effects every aspect of a person's life who has it. This isn't being negative it's just the reality of having it. From a communication standpoint, I grew up in a household where the dynamic was very dysfunctional (yes my parents loved and cared about me, provided for me, etc.).
Due to the the fact that Asperger's syndrome is a milder form of Autism, many times it's not even seen as a legitimate disability, and many times isn't taken seriously as a result. To exacerbate things, with our education system if you have any kind of disability, you're not even given a chance (at least not in American society), you're defined by your disability and seen as destined to fail because of having the disability. You also tend to be stigmatized and seen as inferior because of having a disability (by the church, by society, and sadly sometimes by your family too). Most people (and sadly this sometimes applies to Christians too) don't even make the effort to attempt to understand the disability; this also applies to mental illness (which IS NOT THE SAME as a mental disability) and I have chronic depression that I've struggled with 18 years.
Unfortunately having a disability comes with a huge set of barriers, and a major one is that people with disabilities are far more likely to be in poverty. To make things more frustrating, most Americans just assume that there's only one kind of poverty, (which there's not) and they tend to view poverty as the type that is the most extreme (i.e. no food, no potable water, no place to live, no consistent access to electricity and other utilities). The reality is that in a first world country, you can have access to all the above mentioned things, and still be in poverty; the reason for this is because that in a first world country like USA, extreme poverty is very rare because it's a first world country. I am in financial poverty; I have a source of income, but it's not enough to live off of. If I try to earn enough money that it IS enough to live off of, my income is cut. I realize that if you're trying to become self-sufficient via a FT job (not living off disability) that it's not expected that you live off disability forever. However the truth is that while you're still in the process of making the transition to being self-sufficient via a job, you need to have your main source of income while you're still making that transition, and if your main income is cut and/or taken away completely while you're making this transition, you're back where you started and/or your worse off than you were before. The way the american welfare system is set up makes it close to impossible to get off of it, because you're essentially penalized for working.
To make things more frustrating, there is often this mentality (both with American culture as a whole and with mainstream Christianity) that all you have to do is work hard enough, try hard enough, and things will work out. My generation (millennials) have barriers to contend with that previous generations didn't have to deal with, I am not only dealing with the barriers common to my generation, but also the barriers that come with having a disability. As a result, the work hard and try hard and you can accomplish anything shtick doesn't work, especially if you have a disability.
Last but not least, the sad truth is that with contemporary and mainstream Christian culture in America, it's very common that people with disabilities and also those with mental disabilities, are the ones that tend to be forgotten and stigmatized. I am not making generalizations with this, I am speaking from about 10-15 years personal experience of going to mainstream Christian churches in America.
I also went through emotional and verbal abuse as a kid via bullying, and as a result, is partially the reason why I have most of the mental and emotional issues I do today. The typical 'solution' from Christians is 'go see a counselor' but that's only ONE of many issues I'm dealing with. TO make things more frustrating most Christians aren't willing to make the effor to attempt to understand mental illness. It's either that or those that don't have mental illness in the church, think they will make things worse/do the wrong thing since they don't have it, so they don't do anything, which isn't the solution, and it's not helping, it's indirectly isolating those with mental illness, who already receive enough stigma as it is. You don't have to be a counselor to support someone with mental illness, and there is this unwritten rule with most christian churches, you don't openly talk about something that has the potential to offend/intimidate and/or make someone feel uncomfortable, and mental illness falls under this category. Having support with mental illness makes it easier to deal with, and when you can't openly talk about it at church on sundays, and small groups/life groups, that's NOT being supportive!
Due to all the aforementioned stuff I feel very betrayed by God. He knew how difficult all this stuff would make my life, and yet he allowed it to happen anyway. have been dealing with all the aforementioned stuff for at least 10 years, and there is no end in site. I realize that Jesus promised difficulty/trials but He didn't say that's all life is going to consist of here on earth either. The Bible promises a hope and a future, and I realize that following God means relinquishing what you want for your life, your plans/desires etc. However all I want is to not live in chronic poverty which sucks, and to not live in chronic stress, which is what most normal people want! However I feel trapped, and things seem hopeless. I wake up daily knowing I'm going to have to deal with all the aforementioned stuff. This isn't just 'difficult circumstances' it's the reality of my life. I hate where I live, but can't afford to live on my own, even if finances weren't an issue, I can't live alone, because it WILL make my depression worse. I live with chronic stress, and it's been this way for most of my adult life. I AM NOT SAYING that God is the cause of my problems/issues I'm dealing with in my life. God in his sovereignty allows both good and bad things to happen (the book of Job is a perfect example of this) Saying that God ALLOWS bad stuff to happen isn't somehow insinuating that he's the cause of the bad stuff, there is a difference between saying God allows bad stuff to happen, and saying he's the source of the bad stuff, and I'm not saying he's the source of the stuff I'm dealing with. I can't just force myself to trust God when I don't and I've prayed incessantly about all this stuff and why I'm angry with God, but I'm still angry with Him, I still feel betrayed by Him, and I still don't trust Him. I am at a loss of what to do.
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