I feel betrayed and afraid

[climbinout]

Hello,

I have been somewhat depressed over many things in my life these last few monthes and my wife has been incredibly uncaring. She has started huge painful fights over tiny tiny things and although this is not new it has brought me to a place where i cant hide my frustration/disdain for her any longer.
She will make love to me at night and then say nice things to me then next day and then go into a tirade over not putting a couple dishes away. Now she tells me how pathetic I am and that i need help...I tell her I agree and that I need her...she walks away putting me down even farther in my already crippled self esteem.
This has gone on all night and i try to talk and make up but, like ALWAYS she wont give in until she makes me crawl in the dirt and suffer...it has been like this for 25 years.
I realize in my deepest part that I may hate her. I have so much buried anger that I supress it to keep our family going. She is completely unfair and below the belt.

I am afraid of losing my children and ruining their lives.
I wonder if there are any forums specifically for CHristians going through this kind of garbage.

Any info would be great.

Thank you.

 

[DamagedNothing]

I'm so sorry, that must be horrible. I've only been married a year so I don't know if anything I can say will help.. I just know what the Bible says.. Somehow you've got to let go of that anger. To do that you've got to get close to God. Lock yourself away somewhere and don't come out until you've shed tears before the Lord. Give him your hurt, your anger, your frustration, and every other mixed emotion you've been suppressing all this time. Ask him to help you love your wife again regardless of how she treats you. Even after a year I know how tough that is, and you can't do it without His help.. But with Him ALL things are possible. I believe that now.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Hello,

I have been somewhat depressed over many things in my life these last few monthes and my wife has been incredibly uncaring. She has started huge painful fights over tiny tiny things and although this is not new it has brought me to a place where i cant hide my frustration/disdain for her any longer.
She will make love to me at night and then say nice things to me then next day and then go into a tirade over not putting a couple dishes away. Now she tells me how pathetic I am and that i need help...I tell her I agree and that I need her...she walks away putting me down even farther in my already crippled self esteem.
This has gone on all night and i try to talk and make up but, like ALWAYS she wont give in until she makes me crawl in the dirt and suffer...it has been like this for 25 years.
I realize in my deepest part that I may hate her. I have so much buried anger that I supress it to keep our family going. She is completely unfair and below the belt.

I am afraid of losing my children and ruining their lives.
I wonder if there are any forums specifically for CHristians going through this kind of garbage.

Any info would be great.

Thank you.

Between a rock and a hard place...
You say you need help. She says you need help. Seek professional help. Figure out you and all that may entail.
You won't ruin your kids lives. You won't lose your kids.
You may find things wind up better.
Supressed anger and hurt can become toxic to you and those around you. I'm shocked (pleased for you) that she is still willing to sleep with you. (In my mind) All hope is not lost.
Who wouldn't feel such strong emotions when you feel so humiliated and devalued. Certainly not how Christ sees you.
Sorry I'm no help in regards to the other sites.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Hello,

I have been somewhat depressed over many things in my life these last few monthes and my wife has been incredibly uncaring. She has started huge painful fights over tiny tiny things and although this is not new it has brought me to a place where i cant hide my frustration/disdain for her any longer.
She will make love to me at night and then say nice things to me then next day and then go into a tirade over not putting a couple dishes away. Now she tells me how pathetic I am and that i need help...I tell her I agree and that I need her...she walks away putting me down even farther in my already crippled self esteem.
This has gone on all night and i try to talk and make up but, like ALWAYS she wont give in until she makes me crawl in the dirt and suffer...it has been like this for 25 years.
I realize in my deepest part that I may hate her. I have so much buried anger that I supress it to keep our family going. She is completely unfair and below the belt.

I am afraid of losing my children and ruining their lives.
I wonder if there are any forums specifically for CHristians going through this kind of garbage.

Any info would be great.

Thank you.

Wow, that is really sad. And what is worse is that you have pent up years of pent up resentment, which can harden the heart beyond repair, unless intervened by God.

I will say I empathise with you. I will also say that nothing is beyond God's power to mend. And I will suggest (and I don't do this loosely, without realizing the gravity of your state) that you put your whole dependance upon God. My marriage was in a place that I felt was hopeless. It was not your situation, but it was in a way that I thought would be impossible to ever turn around without a miracle of God. And although I was extremely miserable, depressed and discontent for the first umm, 4 1/2 years, I still put my trust and dependance in God because like you I'm sure, I believed in him and wanted to do what was right, and although divorce seemed the only logical answer, I knew God said otherwise.
I remember one day saying to God, "if you don't turn things around, I'm going to divorce him" and he said right back to me "oh reall? Is your devotion and obediance to me conditional upon your circumstances?" And mind you this was after being consistantly miserable for a few years, day after day, hoping and praying things would change, but not seeing that it ever possibly could and longing to be out.... and so once again I humbled myself, commited myself to the lonely prison I was in, and said to God "yes God I will obey you even if it kills me".... and will, I won't say things miraculously changed in that instant, but rather God worked on (and is still working on) our marriage by removing layer after layer, after layer after layer.... like an onion... and it takes several layers before relief seems in sight.... but that was necessary for God's ultimate good plan for us.

I've only been married 8 years now... things have improved, I have hope and I don't think about divorce anymore (unless I'm really stinking livid which happens on occassion and it's my only outlet to release some steam... to say I'm going to get a divorce and pretend like it's a reality at that moment) but those instances are few and far between now.

IN other words, God can and will turn things around... you just have to keep seeking his will and his heart and his help and commit to do his will. YOu have to make him your dependance, your wife at this time... he will help you through. I hope this is encouraging.

HB

 

[mrscplus]

Wow, you are committed to this. I am so sorry that you have developed these feelings, and that it is her behaviour that led you there.

Would she be willing to read a book with you...Love and Respect by Eggerichs.

It talks about the insane cycle that couples get caught in. Husbands need to know they are respected in order show their wife how much they are loved, and wives need to know they are loved in order to show how much they respect their husbands.

sounds like you're in the cycle, and it's hard I know.

Counselling (christian) would likely be helpful here. And prayer, lots of prayer.

 

[Tuffguy]

Ya gotta be honest man. Come clean. Tell her what you are thinking.

Never let anyone abuse you. I have had gf's try to tell me this or that in an immature way. The best thing you can do is say "i'll come back when you grow up, i'm going for a motorcycle ride, walk, beer, whatever".

You can't win an arguement, or come to a rational conclusion with an irrational person.

 

[purplecloth]

i think tuff has got it right... dont let her get into this cycle... walk away... if she wants you to beg dont...

she is mentally abusing you, its about power and dominating you... and its wrong!

run, dont walk, run to get help... if she will come with you great, if she wont, go on your own...

but the next time she starts one of these arguements about something petty tell her 'if you want to argue about these little things argue with yourself, im off out until you are treat me with respect'

i mean, we all fight... and more often than not it is over little things, but calling you names and making you crawl to her over some dishes is abusive... if it was a man doing this to a man we would all be jumping off the ceiling and telling her to get help and get out if need be... you need to do the same... you are not called to live with this abuse...

the first step is to take action, stop talking about help, and get it... but she needs it as well!

find a good christian counsellor somewhere, but this is a marriage, it takes two to make it work... she has to realise that... and she needs to stop being abusive to you.

 

[climbinout]

I'm so sorry, that must be horrible. I've only been married a year so I don't know if anything I can say will help.. I just know what the Bible says.. Somehow you've got to let go of that anger. To do that you've got to get close to God. Lock yourself away somewhere and don't come out until you've shed tears before the Lord. Give him your hurt, your anger, your frustration, and every other mixed emotion you've been suppressing all this time. Ask him to help you love your wife again regardless of how she treats you. Even after a year I know how tough that is, and you can't do it without His help.. But with Him ALL things are possible. I believe that now.

Everything you said has helped. I do need to stay with the feeling and give it to God. i have been running away from the anger and hatred and supressing it.

Thank you for your words.

 

[climbinout]

Between a rock and a hard place...
You say you need help. She says you need help. Seek professional help. Figure out you and all that may entail.
You won't ruin your kids lives. You won't lose your kids.
You may find things wind up better.
Supressed anger and hurt can become toxic to you and those around you. I'm shocked (pleased for you) that she is still willing to sleep with you. (In my mind) All hope is not lost.
Who wouldn't feel such strong emotions when you feel so humiliated and devalued. Certainly not how Christ sees you.
Sorry I'm no help in regards to the other sites.

I am seeking some counceling and affirmative emotional therapy stuff. I think my definciencies in the emotion area makes small things feel very very big.

Thank you.

 

[climbinout]

Wow, that is really sad. And what is worse is that you have pent up years of pent up resentment, which can harden the heart beyond repair, unless intervened by God.

I will say I empathise with you. I will also say that nothing is beyond God's power to mend. And I will suggest (and I don't do this loosely, without realizing the gravity of your state) that you put your whole dependance upon God. My marriage was in a place that I felt was hopeless. It was not your situation, but it was in a way that I thought would be impossible to ever turn around without a miracle of God. And although I was extremely miserable, depressed and discontent for the first umm, 4 1/2 years, I still put my trust and dependance in God because like you I'm sure, I believed in him and wanted to do what was right, and although divorce seemed the only logical answer, I knew God said otherwise.
I remember one day saying to God, "if you don't turn things around, I'm going to divorce him" and he said right back to me "oh reall? Is your devotion and obediance to me conditional upon your circumstances?" And mind you this was after being consistantly miserable for a few years, day after day, hoping and praying things would change, but not seeing that it ever possibly could and longing to be out.... and so once again I humbled myself, commited myself to the lonely prison I was in, and said to God "yes God I will obey you even if it kills me".... and will, I won't say things miraculously changed in that instant, but rather God worked on (and is still working on) our marriage by removing layer after layer, after layer after layer.... like an onion... and it takes several layers before relief seems in sight.... but that was necessary for God's ultimate good plan for us.

I've only been married 8 years now... things have improved, I have hope and I don't think about divorce anymore (unless I'm really stinking livid which happens on occassion and it's my only outlet to release some steam... to say I'm going to get a divorce and pretend like it's a reality at that moment) but those instances are few and far between now.

IN other words, God can and will turn things around... you just have to keep seeking his will and his heart and his help and commit to do his will. YOu have to make him your dependance, your wife at this time... he will help you through. I hope this is encouraging.

HB

HB,
Thank you for the encouraging and compassionate words... I am and will be continually giving this to Him.
I can't do it. You are right, He can do it. I need to work on dealing with my emotional starvation, which is do-able, thank God.

Thank you!!!

 

[climbinout]

Wow, you are committed to this. I am so sorry that you have developed these feelings, and that it is her behaviour that led you there.

Would she be willing to read a book with you...Love and Respect by Eggerichs.

It talks about the insane cycle that couples get caught in. Husbands need to know they are respected in order show their wife how much they are loved, and wives need to know they are loved in order to show how much they respect their husbands.

sounds like you're in the cycle, and it's hard I know.

Counselling (christian) would likely be helpful here. And prayer, lots of prayer.

Thank you. I will check out the book.

God bless you!

 

[climbinout]

Ya gotta be honest man. Come clean. Tell her what you are thinking.

Never let anyone abuse you. I have had gf's try to tell me this or that in an immature way. The best thing you can do is say "i'll come back when you grow up, i'm going for a motorcycle ride, walk, beer, whatever".

You can't win an arguement, or come to a rational conclusion with an irrational person.

Tuffguy and purplecloth,
You don't know the mrs. If i leave and say I'll be back, she will not budge in her emotional stance and demands.
She may even lock me out. I do leave and I am the one who resigns and is ready to move on...she never is.
She will hold out till she gets the prized apology...
I don't mind apologizing except when i feel there has been some serious twisting and abusing going on.

Anyway I do appreciate your stepping in to help me.

God bless.

 

[purplecloth]

Tuffguy and purplecloth,
You don't know the mrs. If i leave and say I'll be back, she will not budge in her emotional stance and demands.
She may even lock me out. I do leave and I am the one who resigns and is ready to move on...she never is.
She will hold out till she gets the prized apology...
I don't mind apologizing except when i feel there has been some serious twisting and abusing going on.

Anyway I do appreciate your stepping in to help me.

God bless.

are there kids involved here? (apart from her?)

apologise once and then ignore it...

she is acting like a child, so treat her like a child... walk away. if you dont have kids then if she locks you out go to a friends...

speak to someone you trust about this who you know might be able to lend you a sofa in an emergency...

while you are giving into her childish behaviour she will not learn that this is wrong behaviour...

carry on with your day, if she wants to act like a child then treat her as you would treat a child and ignore her...

if there are kids involved... take them as well!

 

[DonaldOrwinRenKern]

Tuffguy and purplecloth,
You don't know the mrs. If i leave and say I'll be back, she will not budge in her emotional stance and demands.
She may even lock me out. I do leave and I am the one who resigns and is ready to move on...she never is.
She will hold out till she gets the prized apology...
I don't mind apologizing except when i feel there has been some serious twisting and abusing going on.

Anyway I do appreciate your stepping in to help me.

God bless.

Why have you been married for soo long?
Is there any positive in the relationship?
Don't apologize anymore... Find your own thing...
Lift weights, Write a book, paint, Join a club...
Something... TuffGuy has his motorcycle, I have my writing... I'll be praying for you buddy, no one should spend 25 years of their life going through something like this.

 

[Tuffguy]

Tuffguy and purplecloth,
You don't know the mrs. If i leave and say I'll be back, she will not budge in her emotional stance and demands.
She may even lock me out. I do leave and I am the one who resigns and is ready to move on...she never is.
She will hold out till she gets the prized apology...
I don't mind apologizing except when i feel there has been some serious twisting and abusing going on.

Anyway I do appreciate your stepping in to help me.

God bless.

I hear what you are saying man. But you sound like a beaten down dog that flinches every time their owner moves.
She knows you'll cave and she'll get her way. You don't think you can stand your ground, so you don't. Its a self fulling prophesy. I don't think you should act immature to battle her immaturity. But her actions do need to change and you're the only one that can make that happen. Besides God of course.