I don't know where to go from here...

[eawilli23]

I want to save my marriage. I do. And it isn't like Bek has been unfaithful, or I have strayed. I just feel like we fight constantly, over the simplest of things. We fight more than we don't, honestly. And we have our good days, sure, but I've also thought about divorce quite a bit lately. I've talked to some friends and my parents about it and no one would blame me for getting a divorce since nothing we have tried has worked. I don't know what to do to restore my marriage. I've been trying to let go and let God, but it seems like God isn't interested in listening to my marital problems lately. I don't know where to go from here, if there is anywhere TO go from here. I want to save my marriage, I just feel like I've tried everything. I don't even know if this post makes sense, but hopefully someone out there can relate.

 

[Rescued One]

I want to save my marriage. I do. And it isn't like Bek has been unfaithful, or I have strayed. I just feel like we fight constantly, over the simplest of things. We fight more than we don't, honestly. And we have our good days, sure, but I've also thought about divorce quite a bit lately. I've talked to some friends and my parents about it and no one would blame me for getting a divorce since nothing we have tried has worked. I don't know what to do to restore my marriage. I've been trying to let go and let God, but it seems like God isn't interested in listening to my marital problems lately. I don't know where to go from here, if there is anywhere TO go from here. I want to save my marriage, I just feel like I've tried everything. I don't even know if this post makes sense, but hopefully someone out there can relate.

I was married for over forty years. Those weren't forty perfect years, but neither of us gave up.

Why do you argue? Do you both have to be right? There is no argument unless both people choose to argue. Practice self-control.

Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Do you both expect perfection in your spouse? You'll never find that and shouldn't expect it.

Have you read
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
by Gary Chapman? It's a good book.

 

[eawilli23]

I was married for over forty years. Those weren't forty perfect years, but neither if us gave up.

Why do you argue? Do you both have to be right? There is no argument unless both people choose to argue. Practice self-control.

Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Do you both expect perfection in your spouse? You'll never find that and shouldn't expect it.

Have you read
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
by Gary Chapman? It's a good book.

We argue because we can't come to a consensus on just about anything, it seems. I feel like I try to find a compromise, but he has to have things his way or no way. When we do reach a compromise (if we do), I'm so frustrated at how long it took or how much of a compromise it isn't to appreciate the compromise for what it is. I don't expect perfection, but I also don't feel like he's trying, even when he says he is. I have read the 5 Love Languages, it's implementing what I've gotten from the book that seems to hurt rather than help. My husband is off-the-charts for Words of Affirmation, but whenever I try to give them to him (when I'm not too drained to do so), he doesn't trust that I am sincere, and that in and of itself leads to an argument.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Ideally marriage is both partners treating the other with sacrificial love, submitting their own desires for the sake of the best good of the other. It's hard (but not impossible) to be the only one doing this. However ... if neither have been doing it, to begin will usually make a very big impression on the other one in a short time.

I'm not saying you need crumble under your husband, but what about this? What would happen if you stopped disagreeing for a while, and just let him have his way - preferring marital harmony over whatever the outcome of any one decision?

There are a couple of things that can come from this. One is you learning self-sacrifice. Two is removing the source of contention. Three is "resetting" the dynamics and opening the possibility of both learning more functional forms of interaction ...

What do you think?

 

[Rescued One]

What is his spiritual life like? A lot of times, that's the problem.

As for off-the-charts for Words of Affirmation, I imagine there are very few men who don't crave those words. Every bride-to-be should be made aware of that. I wouldn't argue about whether or not you meant the words. And I'll admit that I had trouble saying them because I didn't grow up hearing them spoken. Learn to say "Thank you" for the little things he does --- taking out the trash, not leaving a mess in the bathroom, etc.

I'll pray for both of you.

 

[drjean]

Lack of communication is a biggey when it comes to marriage problems.

Why not try to "date" again? Fall in love all over again? Talk about dreams and desires and goals... together... and not point fingers but look at why you might not be doing / pursuing what you thought you would when first married? Maybe look for new things to do together, things you can agree to try together... not necessarily something one or the other is enjoying already. New for both of you.

I didn't see where you shared how long you've been married, but the average big bumps in marriage come near the 3, 7, 12 year marks to start.

 

[4x4toy]

Do not take this the wrong way
Is it all about you or is it all about him ? Why do you fight all the time ? Are you able to look at the big picture instead of getting even all the time ? Do you have to be right all the time over things that don't matter ? If your friends and parents are who you rely on then go live with them ..
Set a Godly plan and pray, be patient and wait , You be the difference for now .. Read every thing in the Bible on wives .. Let him be boss when you can . My wife put up with a lot of my junk when we first got married and she tried to henpeck me for the first few years, I guess she thought I was supposed to think like one of the girls and that ain't happening . She finally won me by being patient and finding out that if she was my support and pleasant that there's nothing I wouldn't do for her .. You can have something special if you know what you want and do it the right way plus you can help set your husband on the right course by your actions .. But do it unto the Lord ..

 

[Ana the Ist]

I want to save my marriage. I do. And it isn't like Bek has been unfaithful, or I have strayed. I just feel like we fight constantly, over the simplest of things. We fight more than we don't, honestly. And we have our good days, sure, but I've also thought about divorce quite a bit lately. I've talked to some friends and my parents about it and no one would blame me for getting a divorce since nothing we have tried has worked. I don't know what to do to restore my marriage. I've been trying to let go and let God, but it seems like God isn't interested in listening to my marital problems lately. I don't know where to go from here, if there is anywhere TO go from here. I want to save my marriage, I just feel like I've tried everything. I don't even know if this post makes sense, but hopefully someone out there can relate.

You say you fight constantly about little things...but without any examples it's difficult to address.

One thing I have noticed in couples that do this is that it tends to stem from some sort of resentment...some kind of issue which lacks closure or was never fully resolved. Sometimes couples do this when there's no resolution to the issue in sight...so they end up setting it aside, but never fully let it go.

Is it possible that this stems from some issue like that? Something which could've been a big disagreement at the time...but was placed aside and never fully resolved?

 

[eawilli23]

I'm going to try to address all of these replies at the same time.

Anastasia-- That does sound like a good idea, I'll try that and see if it helps or if he's one of the people who thrives on conflict. I am usually very non-confrontational, so I'm a bit confused as to why with him it's so easy to fall into conflict.

Phoebe Ann-- Right now, his spiritual life is struggling. He doesn't go to church often or read his Bible much. I've been looking into couple's Bible studies, but I'm not sure if he would do one with me. Starting small and thanking him sounds like a viable solution.

drjean-- We have been married just under a year. New activities I think would help, but he doesn't necessarily have the stamina required for anything outdoorsy and when it comes to being inside, he'd rather watch movies. I'll keep thinking and see if I can come up with something new for us to try and connect.

4x4toy-- I feel like it's all about him, but I'm also biased and his answer may be different. I know that I can be pretty self-centered as well, but it's something I'm actively working on and growing towards not being. When we fight, in the moment it feels like we both have to be right, with no thought of the bigger picture. Since my husband is my head, I think if I learned to take a step back and see the bigger picture, then it would help stop the fights from escalating.

Ana the Ist-- Some examples (that in hindsight are things that I should have just let him have his way with, but hindsight is always 20/20): what movies to watch, whose turn it is to take the dog out, chores and whether they're getting done/ if I need him to make me a list of chores he wants me to do (I say no because in my mind that sets up a parent/child dynamic, and I don't want that; he gets mad that the very specific things he wanted me to get done didn't get done), or work (right now I'm the sole breadwinner in the house). I can't think of anything big that got pushed aside or left unresolved.

 

[4x4toy]

I'm going to try to address all of these replies at the same time.

Anastasia-- That does sound like a good idea, I'll try that and see if it helps or if he's one of the people who thrives on conflict. I am usually very non-confrontational, so I'm a bit confused as to why with him it's so easy to fall into conflict.

Phoebe Ann-- Right now, his spiritual life is struggling. He doesn't go to church often or read his Bible much. I've been looking into couple's Bible studies, but I'm not sure if he would do one with me. Starting small and thanking him sounds like a viable solution.

drjean-- We have been married just under a year. New activities I think would help, but he doesn't necessarily have the stamina required for anything outdoorsy and when it comes to being inside, he'd rather watch movies. I'll keep thinking and see if I can come up with something new for us to try and connect.

4x4toy-- I feel like it's all about him, but I'm also biased and his answer may be different. I know that I can be pretty self-centered as well, but it's something I'm actively working on and growing towards not being. When we fight, in the moment it feels like we both have to be right, with no thought of the bigger picture. Since my husband is my head, I think if I learned to take a step back and see the bigger picture, then it would help stop the fights from escalating.

Ana the Ist-- Some examples (that in hindsight are things that I should have just let him have his way with, but hindsight is always 20/20): what movies to watch, whose turn it is to take the dog out, chores and whether they're getting done/ if I need him to make me a list of chores he wants me to do (I say no because in my mind that sets up a parent/child dynamic, and I don't want that; he gets mad that the very specific things he wanted me to get done didn't get done), or work (right now I'm the sole breadwinner in the house). I can't think of anything big that got pushed aside or left unresolved.

You work and he doesn't ?

 

[eawilli23]

You work and he doesn't ?

Yes. He gets occasional tutoring or babysitting, but nothing steady, whereas I work full time and overnights 3 nights out of the week.

 

[4x4toy]

Yes. He gets occasional tutoring or babysitting, but nothing steady, whereas I work full time and overnights 3 nights out of the week.

Throw the bum out . His first priority is to care for his wife and family

 

[Ana the Ist]

I'm going to try to address all of these replies at the same time.

Anastasia-- That does sound like a good idea, I'll try that and see if it helps or if he's one of the people who thrives on conflict. I am usually very non-confrontational, so I'm a bit confused as to why with him it's so easy to fall into conflict.

Phoebe Ann-- Right now, his spiritual life is struggling. He doesn't go to church often or read his Bible much. I've been looking into couple's Bible studies, but I'm not sure if he would do one with me. Starting small and thanking him sounds like a viable solution.

drjean-- We have been married just under a year. New activities I think would help, but he doesn't necessarily have the stamina required for anything outdoorsy and when it comes to being inside, he'd rather watch movies. I'll keep thinking and see if I can come up with something new for us to try and connect.

4x4toy-- I feel like it's all about him, but I'm also biased and his answer may be different. I know that I can be pretty self-centered as well, but it's something I'm actively working on and growing towards not being. When we fight, in the moment it feels like we both have to be right, with no thought of the bigger picture. Since my husband is my head, I think if I learned to take a step back and see the bigger picture, then it would help stop the fights from escalating.

Ana the Ist-- Some examples (that in hindsight are things that I should have just let him have his way with, but hindsight is always 20/20): what movies to watch, whose turn it is to take the dog out, chores and whether they're getting done/ if I need him to make me a list of chores he wants me to do (I say no because in my mind that sets up a parent/child dynamic, and I don't want that; he gets mad that the very specific things he wanted me to get done didn't get done), or work (right now I'm the sole breadwinner in the house). I can't think of anything big that got pushed aside or left unresolved.

You're the one bringing in income and he's giving you a list of chores? That's ridiculous.

I fully believe that regardless of who works, both spouses share responsibilities around the house. I bring in the income...and I also do the cooking, and many of the less desirable chores like trash and bathroom cleaning.

My wife doesn't work, we don't have kids, and I give her zero chores to do. We're both adults, we know what needs done...so it gets done. I can't imagine treating my wife like a servant...I respect her too much.

I think marriage counseling could do a lot of good for you. It's like finding the right doctor or surgeon though....sometimes you need to search to find the right one.

 

[~Anastasia~]

The first year is tough.

But ... if he's not working (by choice?) and you are, he has no business giving you a list of chores then picking fights if they don't get done.

I will say this though, on the off chance it applies to you. My husband and I once moved to an area where jobs were terrible. He lost his at one point, and I found one. For a few months, I was working and he wasn't. It went so against his idea of how he wanted things to be and hurt his self-esteem so much to be asking me for money that he would fight with me sometimes. I didn't learn until a few years later that it had bothered him so much. But then he was working from dawn till dusk around the place, tearing down structures, building, putting up fences, digging a garden (we bought an old farm). He has never just sat and done nothing. I suspect that's not exactly what's going on with you, but mentioned it out of fairness to some men.

I believe marriage shouldn't be given up on easily. But yours needs some help.

Just wondering - is he by chance a very young man who has never really learned to work? That can be at the root of several different kinds of dynamics.

But ... I still wouldn't argue about what kinds of movies to watch, and so on. But somewhere along the way - maybe not immediately but preferably soon - he needs to begin to at least treat you with human dignity - which is not as a slave/child. Sometimes one person has to "be the grownup" and teach the other one, but it has to be done with kindness and humility, as well as quiet firmness to insist on basic human rights - and much love - in order to be successful.

 

[akmom]

I notice that there are couples who are very agreeable with others in a workplace setting but can't get along with each other at home. I think they realize that in a workplace setting, the important thing is getting the job done and staying employed. So they are willing to let their personal preferences go. They're willing to ignore a colleague's moods. They aren't compelled to express every little disappointment. As a result, they haven't established a dynamic of nitpicking, criticizing each other or taking offense, or keeping score. For some reason, people feel entitled to do all these things at home. And as a result, they end up feeling more "at home" at work. Imagine if people approached their spouses with the same restraint and professionalism they show at work. Plus the extra thoughtfulness you show to someone you love. I think it would go a long way.

Maybe consider each disagreement the way you'd handle it in a professional setting. Which movie should we watch? At work, you'd probably cast your vote, but readily accept any of the options because hey, getting to watch a movie at work is definitely nothing to complain about. And honestly, watching a movie at home probably isn't worth complaining about either. Even if you have to watch the tenth sci fi movie in a month. Right? If you're not falling into the bickering dilemma anywhere else, you have to consider what is different.

You should also consider that some things, though unfair, are not necessarily worse than they'd be if you were single. If you have to earn all the income, cook all the meals, and do all the dishes/laundry... that's not really fair. But it's the exact same thing you'd have to do if you divorced, right? So maybe it's not worth fighting over. If it really bothers you, you can bring it up peacefully when the relationship dynamics have improved.