No matter what your specifics are you can fight this feeling of fear. Part of the armor of God is the breastplate of salvation. This signifies that it is good to have confidence in your salvation. So to help raise this up you can look to the word. You should know that you are SEALED by the Holy Spirit. Here is a good explanation of that.
Topical Bible: Sealed with the Holy Spirit Also, if you look at I Cor. 5:5 there is an immoral man that was sleeping with his father's wife. Most might think this man is going to hell. Instead, Paul says to "deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." So yes things are bad here, excommunication but the point is that his spirit may be saved. I am not implying that you have done something terrible, what I am saying is that your place in heaven is far more assured than you believe. So turn this fear against the devil, purge everything in your life that you can, and hold onto Jesus, because yes he loves you unconditionally. The man in I Cor. was restored by the way.
God is faithful and just to forgive according to I John 1:9. faithful is he will always do it, and just is that the penalty is satisfied for you by the blood of Jesus. So why can't you forgive yourself, see yourself in the arms of Jesus and have the love of God and peace in your heart right now? You simply have to trust him that what Jesus did on the cross is bigger than whatever fears you are facing. Inside of you, is that power to break this fear by clinging on to God. Ask for Wisdom (James), pray that you know the depth, length, breadth, and width of his love. (Ephesians), but mostly know that God loves you and the gift of salvation is free. Here is a book from a former missionary, Watchman Nee that lays this out as perfect as I can find. You can read online for free
Sit, walk, stand : Nee, Watchman : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
Let's agree in prayer that this torment on you stop and that you will be able to approach God and be able to read the bible. Not because of what you have done, but because what Jesus did was enough. I pray your breakthrough is there. I pray and believe too that you will see God in new ways, that this experience will open you eyes to greater spiritual things and that you will be hungry for the word, worship of God and for good Christian fellowship.
God bless!!
Totally agree and join all in prayer for you, Serenity! The Lord will deliver you - He promises. He does so for us all - again and again.
You do know who it is that is really condemning you, don't you? The same one doing everything he can to discourage you from daily praying and studying God's Word. He *surely* doesn't want you to read something like this:
Romans 8:31-39 NIV
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies."
"Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I encourage you to pray heartily and read all of Romans 8. I tell you, for myself, when all else fails and the bulls and lions are surrounding me in a cachophony of the devil's accusations and taunting me with, "Where is your God?" - I cling to one Scripture above all - Romans 8:16. I *know* God has told me in the depths of my spirit that I am His son - and I will *not* let go of His promises - and I will hear Him tell me again, as only He can, when He is good and ready.
And sure enough, unfailingly, He does. And I'm His chariot of fire once again - with a little bit more of the impurities burnt off and a greater capacity to love.
Do you realize how common your experience is amongst the redeemed? *smile*
Keep the faith!
