I Don't Know If I Will Ever Find Love

[FightTheFlesh]

I said to myself a long time ago as a child that I was never going to love anyone ever again. My very first crush was very cruel to me and made fun of me with his friends, humiliated me, and used me for my artwork during certain projects. I said to myself at that age that I was never going to like anyone again, I kind of regret having said that now because I'm 29 going on 30 now. Still no boyfriend, no kids, no job, no car... no nothing. At home my parents argued all the time and basically all I saw was hate, totally dysfunctional. I'm weird. I think I'm asexual. I have no real sexual attraction to the opposite sex and I sure ain't gay. I don't fall in love and it's like I jyst don't care. Sometimes I hate when done guy wants to get connected to me cause I don't really care, I feel like they want to get too close and suck up all of my time. Then I know they will be wanting to have sex with me but I'm just not really that interested. People keep telling me to wait for the right guy but it's been years and NOBODY interests me. I feel like an emotionless robot. Since I can't really feel love for anyone I refuse to date anyone and lie to them making them think I have feelings for them when I really don't. I think that would be terrible to end up getting married knowing that I'm faking it and don't really have any real passion for the person. I consider myself really creative so I wouldn't say I'm an emotionless robot. I hope I'm not a psychopath. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and sometimes I just wonder why GOD even bothered with creating me especially if I end up going to hell and I really DON'T want to go there, I try everything to avoid it. I remember reading in the bible where it says the person who does not love does not know GOD and sometimes I think maybe I really don't know Him, I wish I did. I really hope I'm not already in hell or on the road to going there. Yet I'm still here. I'm getting old now and this whole single and not loving anyone is getting to be really draining. I see all of my friends happy and in relationships with kids while I'm 29 and still living with my parents with nothing to my name. I also had a lot of spiritual attacks where i even ended up in a psychward and lost my mind 3 times publicly which is embarrassing cause I list a lot of friends and support because of it. I don't know why I always get the feeling that I'm going to have a life of pure hell and I'm always expecting something evil to happen to me. I almost lost all of my friends because they found out I was taking about then behind their backs and it's like I really have nothing. It's like every time i think I'm doing the right thing i come to find out it actually had the opposite. I don't even trust my own choices anymore. I don't know why i feel like it's going to get worst. I used to be a really ambitious person who was competitive but i don't do that anymore. I just overall feel intrinsically evil. A person who cannot love. Why won't GOD fix this? I all Him for guidance and nothing is working I don't even know what He has for me. Maybe it's already too late and I'm already headed to hell??? I hope not but tha that's how I feel. I am terribly afraid of love because love can kill you if they break your heart or if that love is gone. I don't even know how to choose the right person for me. I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but I don't want a super religious, churchy boyfriend. I don't want to only listen to gospel music either, does that make me a terrible person? I can't only listen up gospel music and I just feel like sometimes like GOD just take me now. I've lost a lot of things I love and I'm tempted to think that GOD doesn't rant like me like he likes the others. It's like GOD is taking everything away from me. Some days I get scared of v the thought that i might have a long life and have to live through all of this and just sometimes hope that i don't wake up (i don't really want that to happen but sometimes I'm tempted with the idea).

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

One of the Promises from the Eternal Sovereign Creator reassures me when I feel that way >>

Hebrews 13 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)
13 Let love for your fellow believers continue and be a fixed practice with you [never let it fail].

2 Do not forget or neglect or refuse to extend hospitality to strangers [in the brotherhood—being friendly, cordial, and gracious, sharing the comforts of your home and doing your part generously], for through it some have entertained angels without knowing it.

3 Remember those who are in prison as if you were their fellow prisoner, and those who are ill-treated, since you also are liable to bodily sufferings.

4 Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.

5 Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for

He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up

nor leave you without support. [I will] not] [I will] not,

[I will] not in any degree leave you helpless

nor forsake nor let [you] down nor relax My hold on you)!

Assuredly not!]

6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I said to myself a long time ago as a child that I was never going to love anyone ever again. My very first crush was very cruel to me and made fun of me with his friends, humiliated me, and used me for my artwork during certain projects. I said to myself at that age that I was never going to like anyone again, I kind of regret having said that now because I'm 29 going on 30 now. Still no boyfriend, no kids, no job, no car... no nothing. At home my parents argued all the time and basically all I saw was hate, totally dysfunctional. I'm weird. I think I'm asexual. I have no real sexual attraction to the opposite sex and I sure ain't gay. I don't fall in love and it's like I jyst don't care. Sometimes I hate when done guy wants to get connected to me cause I don't really care, I feel like they want to get too close and suck up all of my time. Then I know they will be wanting to have sex with me but I'm just not really that interested. People keep telling me to wait for the right guy but it's been years and NOBODY interests me. I feel like an emotionless robot. Since I can't really feel love for anyone I refuse to date anyone and lie to them making them think I have feelings for them when I really don't. I think that would be terrible to end up getting married knowing that I'm faking it and don't really have any real passion for the person. I consider myself really creative so I wouldn't say I'm an emotionless robot. I hope I'm not a psychopath. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and sometimes I just wonder why GOD even bothered with creating me especially if I end up going to hell and I really DON'T want to go there, I try everything to avoid it. I remember reading in the bible where it says the person who does not love does not know GOD and sometimes I think maybe I really don't know Him, I wish I did. I really hope I'm not already in hell or on the road to going there. Yet I'm still here. I'm getting old now and this whole single and not loving anyone is getting to be really draining. I see all of my friends happy and in relationships with kids while I'm 29 and still living with my parents with nothing to my name. I also had a lot of spiritual attacks where i even ended up in a psychward and lost my mind 3 times publicly which is embarrassing cause I list a lot of friends and support because of it. I don't know why I always get the feeling that I'm going to have a life of pure hell and I'm always expecting something evil to happen to me. I almost lost all of my friends because they found out I was taking about then behind their backs and it's like I really have nothing. It's like every time i think I'm doing the right thing i come to find out it actually had the opposite. I don't even trust my own choices anymore. I don't know why i feel like it's going to get worst. I used to be a really ambitious person who was competitive but i don't do that anymore. I just overall feel intrinsically evil. A person who cannot love. Why won't GOD fix this? I all Him for guidance and nothing is working I don't even know what He has for me. Maybe it's already too late and I'm already headed to hell??? I hope not but tha that's how I feel. I am terribly afraid of love because love can kill you if they break your heart or if that love is gone. I don't even know how to choose the right person for me. I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but I don't want a super religious, churchy boyfriend. I don't want to only listen to gospel music either, does that make me a terrible person? I can't only listen up gospel music and I just feel like sometimes like GOD just take me now. I've lost a lot of things I love and I'm tempted to think that GOD doesn't rant like me like he likes the others. It's like GOD is taking everything away from me. Some days I get scared of v the thought that i might have a long life and have to live through all of this and just sometimes hope that i don't wake up (i don't really want that to happen but sometimes I'm tempted with the idea).

I'm sorry you're struggling so.

 

[He´s my Saviour]

Please, read Ecclesiastes 3. God created you because you have a purpose on this earth, do not give up, Jesus gave everything for you and He loves you, He know that we can fail Him but He still loves us. I´d recomend you to open your Bible and let The Lord speak to you. Also, I´d recomend you to speak it with your pastor (if you have one if not, please go to a church to approach with somebody).
There´s an app named "You Version", idk if you know about it but download it, it have plans with a lot of topics such as "love" "the time of God" "how to fight emotions" "sadness" etc etc

God bless you and fill your heart with His love and do not forget "He is EVERYTHING you could ever need"

 

[Jeshu]

i'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. ii sounds like you suffer from depression and that is why you don't feel love or other good emotions any more. i have lived without out feeling the emotion love for many years but i know i love, and i know love, that is all that matters. To know love, or rather be known by love, is much better than to feel it.

This counts for you too. If you are scared going to hell then call out to Jesus when you are scared and ask Him to save you from that horrible reality. Keep doing this until your fear for hell starts to go away because you dare to rust that Jesus loves you like He says.

The best thing to do is to go in your bad life to God for help - like when you feel loveless - and then go to Jesus put your faith in His love and asking you to help you deal with its reality.

Are you on medications for your depression/mental illness? i do know that good medications can make all the difference.

Please understand that the darkness has us looking into the darkness/negativity to get us hooked on it but Jesus invites us to look at Him, and when we look at Jesus then we always see love at work.

This how i got away from the bad life, that had me trapped for many years looking and heeding the darkness/misery of my depression to stay in charge of my life. i brought myself in my hurting life to Jesus and began to put my faith in His promises and not in the lies my depressive mind send my way. It was an epic battle that is ongoing because i have a depressive illness and constantly have to hold onto Jesus to keep my head above water.

Amazing how much good life came my way letting go of my bad life and embracing God's good life. His loving truth gets me through even very depressed bouts. He has given me love, kindness, gentleness, long suffering, endurance, patience, insight and wisdom. i thank Him from the bottom of my heart for having gotten me out of my pit.

Honest sister He can do the same for you. If you put your faith in His love then His love can chase the darkness away out of your life as well and make good life come your way instead of bad life.

Be of good courage.

Peace.

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[anynmskr]

It's, OK, FtF... I, have a psychotic, disorder, Bipolar 1, With, Psychotic Features, And I have been medicated since I was a late, teenager.

When you find somebody you really love, You generally want to spend all of your time, With just that person, And do family oriented things together, But also fun things, And you generally, Basically, Want to shut the entire rest of the world out,

Oh, And maybe go to church on Sunday, *night*,

Too....


Also,.... I too, Have had my heart ripped out,

Twice..... !!!


The important thing to remember,
Is that although, we are, Christians, or believers, Or that we believe, God,

There is absolutely nothing wrong, With being really, really, Selective,

And i think it's more normal to not be attracted to virtually, Anyone. I rarely am, Either.

When it does happen, Though,

I know.

I know when i am attracted to someone,

And it happens,


Very , Very, Infrequently.


So, no worries.

Also, being, churchy, and religious... I generally tend to stay as conservative as possible.

With entertainment,

But, there are other things out there,

Other celebrities,

And entertainment that you can find,

That doesn't necessarily,push, the boundaries,

And then of course there is,

But, it depends on what your convictions are.

I stay away from heavy stuff, Because i can't handle it,

But, others have other convictions.


And ... This forum doesn't seem to be allowing us to do this,

But, I fully believe that mental illnesses,

And emotional break downs,

Are mostly, all, Because of a genetic predisposition to it.

My parents bicker all the time,

But, it's not what i think it is,

They love each other. Very much,

And they love me.


My illness is in my genes,

And it was passed through my other family,

And i would also recommend,

That because it is genetic,

To actually, try and put yourself in places,

Where you will meet someone,

Without a similar illness.


We do not need to be mixing together the same genetic, illnesses,

Together,

And i hate it when people try and force me to talk to,

"Peers"...

Absolutley,

Hate, it.

Hope this helps, At least, A little, Bit.

 

[pasifika]

I said to myself a long time ago as a child that I was never going to love anyone ever again. My very first crush was very cruel to me and made fun of me with his friends, humiliated me, and used me for my artwork during certain projects. I said to myself at that age that I was never going to like anyone again, I kind of regret having said that now because I'm 29 going on 30 now. Still no boyfriend, no kids, no job, no car... no nothing. At home my parents argued all the time and basically all I saw was hate, totally dysfunctional. I'm weird. I think I'm asexual. I have no real sexual attraction to the opposite sex and I sure ain't gay. I don't fall in love and it's like I jyst don't care. Sometimes I hate when done guy wants to get connected to me cause I don't really care, I feel like they want to get too close and suck up all of my time. Then I know they will be wanting to have sex with me but I'm just not really that interested. People keep telling me to wait for the right guy but it's been years and NOBODY interests me. I feel like an emotionless robot. Since I can't really feel love for anyone I refuse to date anyone and lie to them making them think I have feelings for them when I really don't. I think that would be terrible to end up getting married knowing that I'm faking it and don't really have any real passion for the person. I consider myself really creative so I wouldn't say I'm an emotionless robot. I hope I'm not a psychopath. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and sometimes I just wonder why GOD even bothered with creating me especially if I end up going to hell and I really DON'T want to go there, I try everything to avoid it. I remember reading in the bible where it says the person who does not love does not know GOD and sometimes I think maybe I really don't know Him, I wish I did. I really hope I'm not already in hell or on the road to going there. Yet I'm still here. I'm getting old now and this whole single and not loving anyone is getting to be really draining. I see all of my friends happy and in relationships with kids while I'm 29 and still living with my parents with nothing to my name. I also had a lot of spiritual attacks where i even ended up in a psychward and lost my mind 3 times publicly which is embarrassing cause I list a lot of friends and support because of it. I don't know why I always get the feeling that I'm going to have a life of pure hell and I'm always expecting something evil to happen to me. I almost lost all of my friends because they found out I was taking about then behind their backs and it's like I really have nothing. It's like every time i think I'm doing the right thing i come to find out it actually had the opposite. I don't even trust my own choices anymore. I don't know why i feel like it's going to get worst. I used to be a really ambitious person who was competitive but i don't do that anymore. I just overall feel intrinsically evil. A person who cannot love. Why won't GOD fix this? I all Him for guidance and nothing is working I don't even know what He has for me. Maybe it's already too late and I'm already headed to hell??? I hope not but tha that's how I feel. I am terribly afraid of love because love can kill you if they break your heart or if that love is gone. I don't even know how to choose the right person for me. I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but I don't want a super religious, churchy boyfriend. I don't want to only listen to gospel music either, does that make me a terrible person? I can't only listen up gospel music and I just feel like sometimes like GOD just take me now. I've lost a lot of things I love and I'm tempted to think that GOD doesn't rant like me like he likes the others. It's like GOD is taking everything away from me. Some days I get scared of v the thought that i might have a long life and have to live through all of this and just sometimes hope that i don't wake up (i don't really want that to happen but sometimes I'm tempted with the idea).

Hello, be honest with God regarding your feelings and ask Him to show you kindness in leading you to the right person. Genesis 24 is a good story about how God help finding Isaac a wife.

 

[anynmskr]

Oh, and one other,...

"Psychosis", And, "Delusions",

Are two completely different symptoms. A psychotic episode,

Is not the same thing as being a psychopath.

The two are not related,

At all. <3.

 

[anynmskr]

In a "psychotic episode" ,

The person is out of touch with reality, And experiencing delusions, or sometimes hallucinations,

Due to a scientific, Natural chemical, imbalance in the brain.....

A "psycho" PATH....

Is fully in touch with reality. So i do not believe you are that.

 

[SkyWriting]

It's, OK, FtF... I, have a psychotic, disorder, Bipolar 1, With, Psychotic Features, And I have been medicated since I was a late, teenager.

When you find somebody you really love, You generally want to spend all of your time, With just that person, And do family oriented things together, But also fun things, And you generally, Basically, Want to shut the entire rest of the world out,

You want to find love and appreciation for all people.
This will solve your problems, in time.

 

[anynmskr]

Hey, FtF <3. I have been praying for you, and i keep coming back to this because it sounds awfully similar to myself,

And even my mom, (minus the talking part),

But, in a nutshell,

It sounds like you just don't care very much, to keep friends. Which is actually, probably,

A good thing!

You had a crush, or a love interest, At one time, He broke your heart,

You've decided it's too painful to move on, and heal, from that,

And as far as youe friends go, I have talked about several of each other as well. And so do they!!!!


I had, two, love interests, Actually,

And they both broke my heart!!!!!!!!!

Since then, i've finally reached a point,

Where i don't really, necessarily,

Need human companionship,

And sticking to myself,

And my parents,

Is really all i need. My mom,

Just wants, Just my dad.

She doesn't really see the need for, "human friends".


I have been burned, and bullied by female friends,

And again, Hurt, by, Two different men, Separately,

At different times,

And actually had them both, piled up in social media at the same time....... (That was, My bad.... ;;;;;;;(



We are Christians, We very much believe in God,

But, it is perfectly, OK, To just want to keep to yourself. Also, as far as, "frenemies", Go...


The Bible, Specifically, psalms, Is full of psalms, and songs, Written by David,

and possibly, Asaph,

About them asking God to protect them from their enemies.!!!! If your biggest enemy,

Is just gossip,

And getting hurt by a guy...


You're doing pretty well, beautiful <3. <3. <3. <3. <3. <3.


Also, about the, "entertainment".........

There is, Also,

Nothing, Wrong,

With wanting to enjoy,

American television,

Or , American, Music,

And still be considered a, Christian!!!!!!!!


We don't live. in, a communist. countrry,

Where they put restrictions,

On Holly weird. Movies...


Yes,.they are, weird.

But, you are not evil,


And you are not going to go anywhere,

Except, Heaven,

If you watch/listen,

To them. If you enjoy it,

You do you. If you don't,

Then don't.

I spent several years, especially in my twenties,

Listening to all kinds of. , "anti-christian",

Music,

And we are still, America,

And we are still ,

The most,.Christian,


And the Strongest, Nation,

To ever exist.


Do you, babe. Let the haters, be haters.

And if you ever find a man who loves you, whom you love back,

You will also find yourseld caring about having friends,

Even, LESS, Not, more. Take care, and keep up with whatever your doctors, or caretakers are telling you to do, Minus peer pressure,

Or pressuring you to get involved in the, "peer" groups.

That is wasted, resources,

In mental health. -_- -_- -_- -_- ........

 

[Simon/Rock]

I said to myself a long time ago as a child that I was never going to love anyone ever again. My very first crush was very cruel to me and made fun of me with his friends, humiliated me, and used me for my artwork during certain projects. I said to myself at that age that I was never going to like anyone again, I kind of regret having said that now because I'm 29 going on 30 now. Still no boyfriend, no kids, no job, no car... no nothing. At home my parents argued all the time and basically all I saw was hate, totally dysfunctional. I'm weird. I think I'm asexual. I have no real sexual attraction to the opposite sex and I sure ain't gay. I don't fall in love and it's like I jyst don't care. Sometimes I hate when done guy wants to get connected to me cause I don't really care, I feel like they want to get too close and suck up all of my time. Then I know they will be wanting to have sex with me but I'm just not really that interested. People keep telling me to wait for the right guy but it's been years and NOBODY interests me. I feel like an emotionless robot. Since I can't really feel love for anyone I refuse to date anyone and lie to them making them think I have feelings for them when I really don't. I think that would be terrible to end up getting married knowing that I'm faking it and don't really have any real passion for the person. I consider myself really creative so I wouldn't say I'm an emotionless robot. I hope I'm not a psychopath. I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and sometimes I just wonder why GOD even bothered with creating me especially if I end up going to hell and I really DON'T want to go there, I try everything to avoid it. I remember reading in the bible where it says the person who does not love does not know GOD and sometimes I think maybe I really don't know Him, I wish I did. I really hope I'm not already in hell or on the road to going there. Yet I'm still here. I'm getting old now and this whole single and not loving anyone is getting to be really draining. I see all of my friends happy and in relationships with kids while I'm 29 and still living with my parents with nothing to my name. I also had a lot of spiritual attacks where i even ended up in a psychward and lost my mind 3 times publicly which is embarrassing cause I list a lot of friends and support because of it. I don't know why I always get the feeling that I'm going to have a life of pure hell and I'm always expecting something evil to happen to me. I almost lost all of my friends because they found out I was taking about then behind their backs and it's like I really have nothing. It's like every time i think I'm doing the right thing i come to find out it actually had the opposite. I don't even trust my own choices anymore. I don't know why i feel like it's going to get worst. I used to be a really ambitious person who was competitive but i don't do that anymore. I just overall feel intrinsically evil. A person who cannot love. Why won't GOD fix this? I all Him for guidance and nothing is working I don't even know what He has for me. Maybe it's already too late and I'm already headed to hell??? I hope not but tha that's how I feel. I am terribly afraid of love because love can kill you if they break your heart or if that love is gone. I don't even know how to choose the right person for me. I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but I don't want a super religious, churchy boyfriend. I don't want to only listen to gospel music either, does that make me a terrible person? I can't only listen up gospel music and I just feel like sometimes like GOD just take me now. I've lost a lot of things I love and I'm tempted to think that GOD doesn't rant like me like he likes the others. It's like GOD is taking everything away from me. Some days I get scared of v the thought that i might have a long life and have to live through all of this and just sometimes hope that i don't wake up (i don't really want that to happen but sometimes I'm tempted with the idea).

I think that you're not an emotionless robot, but you simply need to get to know someone very well, before getting interested in them, or developing strong feelings for them, and there is nothing wrong with that.

That doesn't make you weird in any way. There are actually a lot of women out there like that. That simply means that you need to find a nice guy that will take the time to take things slow, court you like a lady, and put a ring on your finger before trying to make a move on you sexually.

I've been worried about finding "the one" myself. I got some pretty good advice from people on here about it. I've wanted a wife, and kids for years. Someone, or a couple people from here told me, that I should pray to God about what he wants for me in life. If I was meant to have a wife, and children. Or just a wife, he will show me the way, and give me thee answer.

 

[Tempura]

I just overall feel intrinsically evil. A person who cannot love.

You're not any more evil than anyone else. If you are emotionally stunted, or whatever your condition is, please remember that love is not contained by emotion nor defined by it. If you comfort someone, you are loving them, even if you feel nothing. If you help someone, or give something to someone, you are loving them. Even if it's just about little things. Love is certainly not reserved for romantic relationship only, far from it. If you desire one, then you do, but if you don't, you don't have to beat yourself down with it. Some would probably say that if you don't want to be romantically involved with anyone, you're saving yourself a lot of trouble!

And if you can't feel God, it doesn't mean He doesn't love you. This is why we hold His promises and His faithfulness dear, because often in ourselves and in our experience we can't find what we need. Seems like life for a Christian is a constant learning experience in which we learn to place our trust in Him, not in our feelings or in our circumstances.

Some people (like me), they are the opposite of what you describe, they feel too much and it's overwhelming. Give me any feeling there is, it can take a hold of me and mess with my head a lot. But even if I felt 300000 times the love you do, but I do nothing with it, is it really love in my case or just a fleeting emotion?

I don't want a super religious, churchy boyfriend. I don't want to only listen to gospel music either, does that make me a terrible person?

No, it does not make you a terrible person. Where did you get that idea? Especially when it seems like most of the gospel music nowadays sounds so fake and soulless, much of it seems like it's just mass-produced, calculated plastic fabrication of what it should be. Then again I'm getting old and everything that's not 200 years old sounds awful to me, but perhaps my point still stands.

 

[Amittai]

More than in genes per se, behaviours are passed on by copying and by matching of patterns (mimetics).

In my family, patterns got broken and altered in every generation.

Also it's normal to not want intensity and passion. Stop watching what we used to call "telly"!

Before I found these threads I jotted a few thoughts on your prayer thread.

I'll pray more for your future support systems. Mine vanished also. Now, tentatively, there are people . . .

What a good thing you are alert about the music of the churchy types. Gimme Haydn, Bartok, John Fogerty, Madeleine Peyroux.