I don't know if anyone has felt like this before...

[mofogx]

This may read like a rant, but I feel like I suck at being a Christian sometimes... I know it's bad to feel that way, but I don't know any other way to put it. I have recently become a Christian, coming from a very troubled past. I have seen the lives and outlook of other Christians completely changed around, and it always seemed as if it were instant. I feel as if my spiritual growth is stunted, or maybe it didn't occur at all, and I don't know how to move forward.

I read the bible every day. However, when I do, I don't feel as moved by the passages as someone else. I also have trouble remembering most passages, and am unable at times to recall some of them.

I pray, but I'm not sure if I'm praying correctly. I have trouble thinking and putting thoughts into words, so I have lots of trouble communicating at times. I often hear that I have to open my heart, but I don't know how. I have never come to fully understand the concept of "opening one's heart," nor do I know how to do so. I honestly don't, beyond saying that my heart is open. I feel sometimes that something is actively blocking me from knowing what to say or ask. I would start praying one second and stop cold, unable to think.

I don't know if God is answering my prayers, or if he's even listening to me at all, and it hurts a lot, because I feel so broken at times, as if I cannot be saved. I'm in tears as I type all of this, and I don't know what to do. I want so much to have that relationship with Christ, but I still feel the same hurt, the same emptiness that I grew up feeling. I feel as if something is wrong with me, but what could it be?

 

[Jerry1988]

I kind of know how you feel, at times when im praying I feel just stuck and dunno what to say, and then when im off not focusing on praying I feel like at times I know exactly what I could say. When that happens I just try to calm down and relax..and try not to force it, at times it feels like im not doing it right but he is here and can hear us, so I relax and try to talk to him like he is right here, which he is he is everywhere. So that helps. I hear God does things in a very subtle way, at times its hard to recognize, he does things on his time not ours, sometimes I forget that but now that I think about it it is comforting. I think if we keep on having faith even in difficult times it helps build roots, that way we become stronger. I try to think to myself at times that I should just keep being faithful, and at times it does get very hard and I stray away, but I try my best to be faithful to Jesus our lord and saviour.

 

[cross bearer]

my dear brother in Christ, first, here is a good site
Inspirational Bible Verses and Quotes - Real. Powerful. Timeless.
I come from a broken past as well. I remember when i first came to Christ, my situation is reverse to yours. I accepted Christ with all my heart and was so enthusiastic, full of the holy spirit. I just felt like love God was all i can do. Something definitely have helped me in my walk, that is-realising the sacrifise of the Lord Jesus. Passion of the Christ(the film) really helped me to understand it. I suggest you get a copy of the dvd, it is the last 12 hours of our lord's life(dramatised abit,but not the torture and cross bit). You need to dwell on the Lord and realise what he did to realy being to love him.
Being broken and being healed-now thats the job of the Lord Holy Spirit, he is the one who regenerates our hearts and minds. Don't worry, the regeneration of every Christian is seldomly instant, it is actually impossible. A person may love the Lord God, but actual "born again" process takes quite some time. I have been Christian for nearly a year now. As i said, at the begining i felt God and his love much more so than now.I have been called to be a missionary. Yet I have just finshed throwing off major chains of addictions like masturbation, pornograhy and even fornication which i was still commiting a few month ago. Even the apostle Paul took three years away from the world to learn, regenerate and to be born again.
So what you really need is to be filled with the Holy Spirit, i suggest water baptism by immersion asap, then baptism with the Holy Spirit if you really want to be empowered by God, to feel connected and to regenerate. find a good pentacostal/Charasmatic/assembly of God church to attend. Talk to the pastor and he will help you. Normal churches, some of them don't think the Lord Holy Spirit is important, but boy are they wrong.
As for your praying, don't worry about it. God examines the heart behind the prayer, you can actually pray with your mind and just whisper, its your heart that counts. Remember, prayer is not to be religious, is us talking to our loving God. prayer is like a private session with God. Remember, God is our father, best friend etc, so when you pray, just remember, he is right there listening. As for response to the prayers, sometimes timing is not right, sometimes his will is beter. Remember the bible verse "lean not on your understanding but trust in his will". We are not all knowing, all powerful, just have faith and trust God. God really don't care if you have a speech problem, or even if you cannot speak at all. God knows all your needs, the truth is, prayer is used for building trust, to stay connected with God and to show yourself that he is important. Imagine you had a best friend or a child who don't talk to you for years, and only comes to ask for things when he is desperate, would you be happy? just talk to him, tell him your day, tel him your worries, share your heart with him.
There is a gift of the Holy Spirit called speaking in tongues, what this does is that it enables you to either talk in other languages or in heavenly languages. If you find difficult to pray, after you have the baptism of the Holy Spirit and seek the gift of speaking in tongues, ask and you shall receive. Lord Holy Spirit will pray for you and through you, and you will feel much happier.
About church, where do you live? in england by any chance?

 

[Chris_G]

Mofogx and Jerry1988, the feelings of doubt, guilt and fear are not from God. They are from the devil. God only bring peace, love and joy. I to, have turned my life to God only a month ago, and I also struggled at the beginning with feelings of doubt, guilt and fear. I started doubting my salvation. I started feeling guilty for the little things I would do such as chores, watching TV, or even posting on this forum. Someone else on this forum said, that before salvation, it was ok to do anything, but after salvation, it may feel like it's wrong to do everything. That's the devil at work. Trying to make you doubt your salvation so that you will give up and go back to your old self. Rebuke it! Rebuke it in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. If you happen to read something on this forum that causes you to have those 3 bad feelings, rebuke it. Pray/talk to God to fill you with his love, joy and peace. It truly has helped me. I prayed for you both!!!

 

[mofogx]

There is a gift of the Holy Spirit called speaking in tongues, what this does is that it enables you to either talk in other languages or in heavenly languages. If you find difficult to pray, after you have the baptism of the Holy Spirit and seek the gift of speaking in tongues, ask and you shall receive. Lord Holy Spirit will pray for you and through you, and you will feel much happier.
About church, where do you live? in england by any chance?

I actually live in the US. I was baptized (water immersion) not too long ago. How does one become baptized with the Holy Spirit?

 

[SharonL]

Don't worry about whether or not you are a Christian - If you have asked forgiveness and repented and asked Jesus into your heart you are a Christian and your name is written in the Lambs Book of LIfe.

Your walk will now let the Joy of the Lord shine through - the doubt is from the enemy - trying to discourage you - just say get behind me and move on.

The Lord knows your heart, every thought in your mind - you don't have to be on your knees, Bible in hand to be a great Christian - just walk hand in hand with Jesus and be led by the HOly Spirit.

JUst ask Jesus to fill you with the HOly Spirit, you may or may not receive the gift of tongues at this time, but don't worry - when you are ready, Jesus will give you all the gifts promised. Don't let people put so much emphasis on speaking in tongues and confuse you and say to just speak gibberish (some people do that) - don't do it - Jesus will give you the gift when you are ready.

Just talk to Jesus, pray to Him - he is your friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Read the Scriptures - don't worry about remembering it all - when it is needed Jesus will bring it to your mind. If you start with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John it will show you clearly how the faith grows and will show you that Jesus is the same Yesterday, today and forever.

When you are alone, your thoughts go to the throne the same as if you were in a crowded church - just sing to Jesus, talk to Him. As you read the Word you will find some words or sentences pop out at you - that is JEsus tapping you on the shoulder saying, hey - I'm talking to you.

When the tears come - they are not tears of sadness, that is the Holy Spirit washing you clean and just hanging out with you.

Just enjoy your walk and know that nothing, or no one can take you from the Love of God - the angels in Heaven are rejoycing, Jesus is standing with open arms to Love you and guide you.

Just be Blessed and enjoy your new life of walking with Jesus.

 

[Christian Gift Giver]

I kinda know how you feel. Shortly after I got baptised I suddenly got so depressed. I was having dreams of eyeless angels with bloodly wings and bones for fingers crawling out of this large dark pit coming for me. For a long time I felt that a good Child of God shouldn't have nightmares such as that, I was only a baby in Christ and unholy thoughts plagued my mind like never before!

I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought they would look down on me and I had a hard time praying because the thoughts would sidetrack me right in the middle of it. I saw my parents going through problems but they have always been deeply rooted in Christ, so I felt like they could handle it.

I told myself that I had to have faith in God and when I prayed I always did the same thing. I would first ask for forgivness so God would see His son's blood instead of all my sins. Then I would thank God for all the blessings of the day and for all the protection and joy he's showered on me long before I really knew Him. After that I would let my mind show him how I was feeling. Like you, the words had a hard time coming. I would try to seek him out with my heart and relax to let the feelings flow.

It was only then when I felt back in touch with God and in the midst of the thoughts I would ask him (outloud) to remove and fight the devil since I was too weak. He does every time. Remember, just feel, God understands and pray for things that will help you from the inside out. I hope this shed some light on your situation and I will keep you in my prayers

 

[heymikey80]

This may read like a rant, but I feel like I suck at being a Christian sometimes...

Yeah, me too. Frankly, the more I learn, the more I suck. But there's a point to it.

I know it's bad to feel that way, but I don't know any other way to put it. I have recently become a Christian, coming from a very troubled past. I have seen the lives and outlook of other Christians completely changed around, and it always seemed as if it were instant. I feel as if my spiritual growth is stunted, or maybe it didn't occur at all, and I don't know how to move forward.

I've learned that many are still naturalists when it comes to sharing their own spirituality.

An old poem went something like, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone. For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth but has sorrow enough of its own." We often share spiritual highlights and mountain peaks, but not spiritual valleys and sunsets.

For some better places to find balance: the Psalms.

I also think this intro at least gives some kind of balance to the feelings we encounter -- a kind of optimism with a sharp edge -- "Cheer Up! You're worse than you ever thought possible!" And more loved than you ever hoped.

I read the bible every day. However, when I do, I don't feel as moved by the passages as someone else. I also have trouble remembering most passages, and am unable at times to recall some of them.

That takes time & experience for me. Memory is less a matter of recall than redo. It'll take time to catch what God wants to fix in your life right now. But believe me, He will get your attention and fix your problems: on His timetable, not yours.

I pray, but I'm not sure if I'm praying correctly. I have trouble thinking and putting thoughts into words, so I have lots of trouble communicating at times. I often hear that I have to open my heart, but I don't know how. I have never come to fully understand the concept of "opening one's heart," nor do I know how to do so. I honestly don't, beyond saying that my heart is open. I feel sometimes that something is actively blocking me from knowing what to say or ask. I would start praying one second and stop cold, unable to think.

I've felt that. It's a question mark whenever you're waiting on God to know what's important. To answer to Him, sometimes you have to wait.

You can get in the way, here. It's never permanent, but don't think you can't get in the way. But look to find what God's seeing, and there's a lot less of you getting in God's way.

I don't know if God is answering my prayers, or if he's even listening to me at all, and it hurts a lot, because I feel so broken at times, as if I cannot be saved. I'm in tears as I type all of this, and I don't know what to do. I want so much to have that relationship with Christ, but I still feel the same hurt, the same emptiness that I grew up feeling. I feel as if something is wrong with me, but what could it be?

A God Who can re-create us is not a God stopped by brokenness. It's only when we're completely against God that we're shattered.

I also have something that may sound a little ... odd. A big barrier I have from my past in working with God is ... the lack of His physical presence. If that's an ingrained problem from your past -- in my experience I needed to seek out the congregation that can help meet that for me.

 

[Junglegal]

Don't worry and be sad, my guess is everything feels these things. The simplest prayer of all is "Jesus Christ" said in a reverent and thinking way. God knows your heart. I also sometimes feel as if I am going through a sham, talking to an invisible person that most people don't believe in! So that is the time to just dig in, maybe go through the motions, because God is there beside you even if you can't feel him.

I am a great believer in doing good works. Jesus said, "Feed my sheep." Of course this meant in many ways, but it is totally clear from the Bible that although we are not saved by good works alone, we should be out there doing them! Sometimes we need to look out and not in to find God's blessings.

 

[PuraVida]

Responding to original post....

Man, I just turned 30 this year... Yeah, I'm getting old now I guess... ;P... Lol... Man, you are not abnormal at all. I know I have gone through the same thing and I would guess most of us here have. Don't obsess about details. That's all I can say.

The word of God is meant to have general meaning but also personal meaning to each person.... Quite amazing that God can make words very personal. But that is the whole point of God, I guess........ Like very huge and amazing.

I used to be really obsessed with like details and also proving I could be better than every person on Earth....... Eventually... after 30 years... heheh.... I mean... You eventually get old enough I guess where you're just like, "None of this makes sense!! This sucks!!!"

And it was when I realized that that I realized I had been to complicated for myself even.... As a late teen, I had a nice simple view of God.... Life took me away and I questioned it all, applying every type of logic and fact to God, trying to either question of prove God or whatever.

If you think about the name "God," it implies a mentality which is beyond, WAY beyond God's children. That's the way it's supposed to be. Knowledge that is sought by man should be in education and making one's self a better person, but not in seeking knowledge to question God. By definition, God is basically impossible to understand. It's better just to be happy that Nazis never took over the whole Earth so now we live in relatively peaceful societies where we can study and do basically what we want.

BTW, I think God always knew everything about WWII, and whatever is bad... probably almost laughs because God knows he is in control... So.... who cares..... Bad people and things won't affect us a lot if we have true faith.

 

[JCFantasy23]

This may read like a rant, but I feel like I suck at being a Christian sometimes... I know it's bad to feel that way, but I don't know any other way to put it. I have recently become a Christian, coming from a very troubled past. I have seen the lives and outlook of other Christians completely changed around, and it always seemed as if it were instant. I feel as if my spiritual growth is stunted, or maybe it didn't occur at all, and I don't know how to move forward.

I read the bible every day. However, when I do, I don't feel as moved by the passages as someone else. I also have trouble remembering most passages, and am unable at times to recall some of them.

I pray, but I'm not sure if I'm praying correctly. I have trouble thinking and putting thoughts into words, so I have lots of trouble communicating at times. I often hear that I have to open my heart, but I don't know how. I have never come to fully understand the concept of "opening one's heart," nor do I know how to do so. I honestly don't, beyond saying that my heart is open. I feel sometimes that something is actively blocking me from knowing what to say or ask. I would start praying one second and stop cold, unable to think.

I don't know if God is answering my prayers, or if he's even listening to me at all, and it hurts a lot, because I feel so broken at times, as if I cannot be saved. I'm in tears as I type all of this, and I don't know what to do. I want so much to have that relationship with Christ, but I still feel the same hurt, the same emptiness that I grew up feeling. I feel as if something is wrong with me, but what could it be?

Rest assured that you are a child of God, even if sometimes the feelings become mixed up, confused, or just don't "feel there". I think we've all felt like that from time to time.

God always listens to our prayers, it may not always seem like it, but try to keep telling yourself that he is really there, listening, and loves you.

You sound like me with some issues. I also have trouble remembering things in books and the bible, but I just have a bad memory and don't try to feel bad about it. We're all different and some people are just better at that sort of thing than others, I wouldn't feel inferior to other Christians because of it. There is no "right" way to pray, either, it's all a personal thing.

To me your concerns about these issues and your yearning to be close to God is a sign of your faith, and is normal struggles we all face from time to time. It will get better and these doubts will pass.

 

[throughchristimchanged]

This may read like a rant, but I feel like I suck at being a Christian sometimes... I know it's bad to feel that way, but I don't know any other way to put it. I have recently become a Christian, coming from a very troubled past. I have seen the lives and outlook of other Christians completely changed around, and it always seemed as if it were instant. I feel as if my spiritual growth is stunted, or maybe it didn't occur at all, and I don't know how to move forward.

I read the bible every day. However, when I do, I don't feel as moved by the passages as someone else. I also have trouble remembering most passages, and am unable at times to recall some of them.

I pray, but I'm not sure if I'm praying correctly. I have trouble thinking and putting thoughts into words, so I have lots of trouble communicating at times. I often hear that I have to open my heart, but I don't know how. I have never come to fully understand the concept of "opening one's heart," nor do I know how to do so. I honestly don't, beyond saying that my heart is open. I feel sometimes that something is actively blocking me from knowing what to say or ask. I would start praying one second and stop cold, unable to think.

I don't know if God is answering my prayers, or if he's even listening to me at all, and it hurts a lot, because I feel so broken at times, as if I cannot be saved. I'm in tears as I type all of this, and I don't know what to do. I want so much to have that relationship with Christ, but I still feel the same hurt, the same emptiness that I grew up feeling. I feel as if something is wrong with me, but what could it be?

the time it takes for you to feel, is al different compared to every person, I know but dont try to compare yourself to someone else, in time it will become apparent, patience, you can never pray wrongfully, you will get better with continued prayer, you have to develop a way and come to peace in all walks in life, never doubt, he always is listening

 

[Emmy]

Dear mofogx. To have the Holy Spirit in your heart, you must Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart. In Matthew 22: 35-40: Jesus tells us: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all your hearts, with all your souls, and with all your minds. The second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourselves."
( neighbour is all you know and all you meet, friends and not friends)
Start by asking for Love and Joy, then thank God and share all Love and Joy with your neighbour. ( Matthew 7: 7-10) Keep asking God for Love and Joy,
then thank God and share all Love and Joy with your neighbour. God will see your loving efforts, and God will approve and bless you. The Holy Spirit will help and guide you, and Jesus our Saviour will lead you all the way:
JESUS IS THE WAY.
The Bible tells us: " Repent and be Born Again," give up your selfish wishes and wants, and start treating all around you with love and compassion.
You might stumble and forget at times, but then ask God to forgive you, and carry on loving and caring. Do this mofogx, and the Holy Spirit will lead you on to greater and more loving deeds. Not because you want to work to be accepted by God, but because you want to prove your love for God and your neighbour. God Loves you already, and you are saved by your love for God and your neighbour. Jesus died that we might live, and now we follow Jesus back to God. I say this with love. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.