I don't know anymore

[LostChildinTheMidst]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

 

[Aleksandros]

Hey, I know what you mean about things feeling surreal and unreal. It happens to me sometimes even now and I have to rely on God for help with it - very distressing.

How'd this happen? You said you thought you were walking in the Spirit - what happened that changed it? Can you share?

 

[LostChildinTheMidst]

Hey, I know what you mean about things feeling surreal and unreal. It happens to me sometimes even now and I have to rely on God for help with it - very distressing.

How'd this happen? You said you thought you were walking in the Spirit - what happened that changed it? Can you share?

I fell into sin ; youthful lists

 

[macek]

Dear sister, God does not condemn you, but there is someone who does and its not God. Have you been at your doctor's office about this? There may be a combination of physical imbalance and psychological trauma that you are struggling with. I just hope and pray that you get a good doctor and not some quack that would prescript you valium and send you on your way...

Another thing i would suggest you do is contact John the "Baptist" at jbaptist777 at gmail dot com and tell him of your troubles and ask for pastor Aaron Wagner. Maybe they will be able to give you some wisdom you need.

 

[Tempura]

Sounds more like you're condemning yourself.

One thing, get professional help for your...whatever it is. Some therapy might be a good place to start, if you have some issues that are constantly troubling you, like it seems. I went for a long time, many times quit, and then went back again. Eventually something changed for the better. What you're describing is something that has many words. Depersonalization, dissosiation come to mind. There was a time when I felt like that. I was just a ghost watching things happen, I didn't feel "present", everything was in a cloud.

About everyone messing up, well they do. Some more, some less, some visibly, some can hide it, some know it, some don't. That's why I have to turn to God, because clearly I don't hold the answers in my own actions. Again and again. Every time after I mess up. Going to God is not a ransom: "fail, and be damned". We're not supposed to look at it like some crappy deal for us, like we'd have to be perfect in order to satisfy an angry God. We can't be, that's why Christ came. There is grace in that. Understanding grace and perfect love and then opening our hearts to it can change us. Even if we failed and stumbled, we have something better and pure to strive for. And if we even want to believe it, we start to love more too.

Said a prayer for you, friend.

 

[Aleksandros]

I would like to ask - what was your Christian walk like before falling into sin?

 

[gloriousday2006]

Sounds more like you're condemning yourself.

One thing, get professional help for your...whatever it is. Some therapy might be a good place to start, if you have some issues that are constantly troubling you, like it seems. I went for a long time, many times quit, and then went back again. Eventually something changed for the better. What you're describing is something that has many words. Depersonalization, dissosiation come to mind. There was a time when I felt like that. I was just a ghost watching things happen, I didn't feel "present", everything was in a cloud.

About everyone messing up, well they do. Some more, some less, some visibly, some can hide it, some know it, some don't. That's why I have to turn to God, because clearly I don't hold the answers in my own actions. Again and again. Every time after I mess up. Going to God is not a ransom: "fail, and be damned". We're not supposed to look at it like some crappy deal for us, like we'd have to be perfect in order to satisfy an angry God. We can't be, that's why Christ came. There is grace in that. Understanding grace and perfect love and then opening our hearts to it can change us. Even if we failed and stumbled, we have something better and pure to strive for. And if we even want to believe it, we start to love more too.

Said a prayer for you, friend.

Hello, I experienced an episode of depersonalization after severe panic attacks and religious OCD that lasted a month straight. I felt like I was stepping outside of my body. Ever since then my emotions are dull and numbed. It feels like I'm just thoughts and cannot connect with my emotions. How do you overcome this? I am really struggling as I don't feel like myself. My greatest desire is to serve God. I worry about this emotion numbing

 

[Tempura]

Hello, I experienced an episode of depersonalization after severe panic attacks and religious OCD that lasted a month straight. I felt like I was stepping outside of my body. Ever since then my emotions are dull and numbed. It feels like I'm just thoughts and cannot connect with my emotions. How do you overcome this? I am really struggling as I don't feel like myself. My greatest desire is to serve God. I worry about this emotion numbing

I'm not sure. Perhaps I didn't do any tricks. Some meds helped a little, quitting others seemed to help too since many of them just zombified me and now I only have benzos, but eventually everything got better when I stopped treating everything as crisis. I accepted my depression, got the help I could and tried to have hope in Christ, instead of panicking over everything. Some of these things came with time, just by getting older. Then again my emotionless phases never lasted for very long, since anxiety was always a "friend" I had, and from the positive side I always loved music, and some of it always moves me.

Feeling numb is normal for people with these kind of problems. I'd say don't worry about it too much. Perhaps you just need to go through it. You're not serving God any less if you're ill. It's not a competition, surely not an unfair one.

 

[ToBeLoved]

life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real, everything around me is starting to feel surreal. I can feel my heart hardening, I know my conscience is starting to become hardened, and I'm just confused and dazed. Pain doesn't even feel like pain. I've become so evil, aint it funny how I asked God not to make me this way and look at what I have become. I don't want to give my life to God but at the same time I don't want to go to hell. I already tried to give my life to God, but to be honest I'm afraid to give my life because I always mess up and everyone says: "everyone messes up" but it gets annoying. I have so much hate for people, especially my little sister. I say hurtful things and I think it's okay.im becoming like my father who used to abuse me. I don't understand God, I don't know what's true anymore. I thought I was walking in the spirit, and I feel like God is giving me a limited time and I'm just watching the days go by fast. Nothing seems real I just don't get it. I'm in fear I don't feel remorse. I'm becoming so evil. I'm confused why did God do this to me? I mm tired of life but if I commit suicide I don't know where I am going. There for I'm just living. Why is God doing this to me? All he does is condemn me. I'm lazy and fat I guess I'm depressed, I'm going crazy in the head. I'm beginning to act like a child like a mentally ill child.

You really do not have a good understanding of the Bible and who and what God is to us.

Christ did NOT come for those who do NOT mess up. Christ came for us, just like you, who mess up all the time. You are the EXACT person that Christ did come for and somehow you are not seeing that. I hope the verses that I am giving you will help you see that realistically, you are who Christ did come for.

In the Bible, Christ says that He did NOT come for the well, but for the sick. For those who need a Savior, for those who need His grace and His free gift of salvation because we constantly mess up and need the justification of a righteous God.

I am including the verse before so you have some context of the verse.

Mark 2:16-17
16 When the scribes who were Pharisees saw Jesus eating with these people, they asked His disciples, “Why does He eat with tax collectors and sinners?” 17 On hearing this, Jesus told them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 9:13
But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

1 Timothy 1:15
This is a trustworthy saying, worthy of full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst.
I hope this helps you to see that even the mighty men of God in the Bible knew who they were, deep inside and it is actually a good place to be to know how much we mess up. Because Christ tells us that for those who mess up, so much more does His mercy and grace abound to that person.

“Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,” Romans 5:12-21

When we are in sin and hurting is the exact time we need to turn to Christ. God's Word tells us that Christ is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Now notice, it is NOT US who is faithful or just. It is Christ. And this is His promise to us. That if we repent and declare our sin and ask for forgiveness, that He will forgive us.

1 John 1:9
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

 

[Gluttonous Winebibber]

I'm in fear I don't feel remorse

No matter how bad things get, that fear will save you. It will force you to ask the questions that need asking, no matter how hard it can be. Stare the truth in the eyes. No matter how much you distrust and hate those around you, know it is simply an evil time, and that you should be forgiving and understanding with others, as God is with you. This fear will save you. God's plan in the bible will work, because it has worked for many before you, to bring them a sense of comfort, fulfillment, and then peace, knowing that if they work alongside God (LIKE HE WANTS YOU TO), they cannot lose. Think of all the pain and misery as your reward for enduring, that God is being patient and allowing you to walk through these mistakes, and that if you repent your reward will be all the greater later (Mark 10:29-30), and you will be wiser for it. Don't waste that learning experience, less you repeat your mistakes, and be unable to help yourself or others around you. Far from it, you will make things worse, and be even more lost.

Read the bible every day. Pray for understanding. These are the two most important things you can ever do for yourself, and anyone you care for.

Ecclesiastes 9:10-12 - your time is more precious than you know. You will look back and shake your head at the wasted opportunities, and maybe understand the futility in not listening to the master (God). The bible is literally a blueprint for proper decision making.