Endure2,
I wish share you a few posts I wrote when my only daughter passed away 6 months ago (she just turned 6 years old when she died).
I was devastated completely and utterly devestated. But often we find comfort in knowing others in Christ have the same exact feelings and fears. I will copied a few of my posts for you so you can "hear" what I was feeling because I have been walking in Christ for 15 years and joyfully so and then there was the "sound of silence" when I needed God the most, I could not find Him. My life was ripped from me and was completely dark and my thoughts ran along the same lines as yours and I wanted you to find comfort hearing your thoughts resounding as my own. Forgive me for it's lenghth. Its ok to be where you are, wherever you are He is there.
**Post 1 (Desparate, just lost my daughter two weeks before)
Please forgive me, I need it from you all, I cant think straight or function and I have actually thought seriously of commiting myself...So I'm not in my right mind at all, I know this and need you guys to understand that I mean no hurt to any of you, I simply cannot function as a human being, I dont want to drag my black cloud around, or hurt anyone, I am really having more of a difficult time with this then I could ever have imagined. The silence of God is deafening, the darkness is overwhelming, my sorrow feels like it is possible to actually die from a broken heart. I feel like I'm being completely overtaken by everything. With feelings such as this its hard to be around others, their sunshine makes my darkness harder to bear in myself.
**Post 2 (cant come out of the dark place)
I'm SO sorry I havent gotten back to you all, I'm so so sorry... I mean no hurt, I'm not like that normally, you know I usually respond but I cant move (literally) I'm completely overtaken, I admit it openly. The only thing I have the energy to think on is death not life, I want to go home, I want to leave this world so desparately its consuming every thought. The Spring mocks me and the Sun hurts my eyes, the days are too long and the nights are too short. I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep and never wake up again, is how I've been feeling. I feel like one without faith or hope, not even a microscopic measure of either. I'm a big black cloud without rain and a complete drag to be around, I might as well keep my darkness to myself to spread it around would be fruitless.
Thank you for your prayers but I think I'm one of those people the scriptures speak of who are reserved for the blackest darkness forever, theres not too much that can be done under that inditement. I think I'm one of those you should not pray for, "As I think so I am" perhaps has truth in it for me.
No words can describe this place, I can only appologize to God for all I am, not knowing where I went wrong, admitting what I thought was sight was blindness and can only hope for His mercy. I hope He is as good as I had hoped He is but right now I am completely terrified of Him.
**Post 3 (Still in the dark place, afraid and angry I want to die)
Simply put... I want to die, I need no sympathy or mercy from anyone save God to forgive me for NOT being the "grandeoso testimony" whether it was required or not, its just not IN me. My daughter is my baby, not some inanimate "test" to jerk my strings by in some test for someone elses amusement to get some "high score" on faithfulness, she was a SOUL very precious to me and any "test" does not even come into the equation to losing her loving precious soul in my life and everything in her that was encompassed in her little person, my flesh and blood.
I dont need pity or expect it from anyone, I want to DIE, unfortunately the methods used are not desirable to my flesh, though Helium inhalation might work, your body after unconsciousness seeks to survive and thrashes to remove the mask. electricution in the tub will not take you but simply burn you, people have tried it, pills often have you vomitting and ridding your body of the toxin before its completed its work thats why most suicide attempts do not work, appearing to be "attempts" without commitment. My problem is this... I will not by my own hand take my life, but if one can ride a Harley without a helmet (having a death wish) I can swim in a thunderstorm, or refuse medical assistance or medications to prolong life here, afterall God is in complete charge let me live in full acceptance of that fact.
To die is GAIN is that not scriptural? Why fight against the inevitable? No pity needed here, I want OUT!!!! I'm JEALOUS of anyone dying, I can't help that feeling, I want it more then anything else, if God would allow. My drive is gone, I'm finished, I'm only waiting to leave its the only thing I desire right now. If my daughter was still here I would most certainly not feel that way, but shes not. I'm her mother, I have this intense instinct to go to her, its IN ME to do that.
Death seems like a more likely prayer to be answered. I prayed for my daughters life and received the answer "death" perhaps death is the right prayer because both are ours, is this not true?
I'm on the floor... no I'm lower then that, I want no pity, no compassion, no words, nothing but TO DIE and if to die is gain, I ask my freinds to pray that God would take me away, theres really no point in my wasted life, I'm dead while I live anyway (being truthful here). I cannot handle this sorrow, I'm not able to, simply cant do it, I've tried, I can think of nothing else day and night but dying, basically chit chatting about it or expressing myself or my greif, is the stupidest thing I could do, it does nothing for me and nothing for those around me.
I figure playing in my pool during severe lightning storms might heighten my odds, my daughter always loved playing in the rain, that would be kinda neat, I don't think I will love the "feeling" of going out with a "bang" but it would not be by my own hand, I could think of less painful ways to "go out" without 180,000 volts of lightning frying my insides. It causes me to wonder about why God cut short Jesus' suffering on the cross, when they found Him on the cross it amazed them that Christ had died so soon because they went to break His legs to make Him die faster, but I'm sure thats was only because God said none of His bones would not be broken and hanging the next day would not be permitted by law, but I'm not sure whether God had compassion on His suffering Son or that Gods law would be broken? I havent figured that one out yet. Yet this question is (right now) at the bottom of my list, I have other more pressing questions of the heart I desire to ask but it seems like those of the heart are left unadressed while those of the head are consistently fed, I "dont get it". I have a black book and a brain (of which uses only 10% of its capacity) and that 10% I need to crucify and live from a circumcised heart that asks the questions we are instructed TO ASK but THESE QUESTIONS are NEVER ANSWERED! Am I circumcised in my heart? I havent a clue anymore, but I would think not if I'm not "hearing" so I'm deaf. I'm not "perceiving" so I am blind. I'm faithless therefore I cannot please God anyway.
Feels despairing being one of "those" who mourns without any hope, unlike "those" who live victoriously in Jesus Christ... thats NOT ME, unfortunately I'm a vessel fitted for destruction and I'm devastated by my own soul, I wished I have never been born, I had no choice like the rest of you but I simply am not "grasping it". I'm one who doesn't understand and the enemy took it all away and destined to darkness. I do not know the God of love I thought I knew. My daughter is not going to be received back to me in three days like His was to Himself I wonder if He truly understands our pain because He lives in glory always seeing both sides of here and now and eternity but I cannot and yet if I had eyes to see that which is invisible (given just a glimpse, a simple peek) maybe I could be sustained but right now I don't even want the energy to be even that, I don't even want to get better, I really want to die, thats where I'm at. I only ask of you guys to pray for that reality to become my own, thats all.
**Post 5 ( 4 months later, coming to myself, after very long season)
In my despair I ask the most honest questions. Its like were not satisfied with knowing what "the book" facts are we desire HIS LIFE in and through us but we might have some kind of illusion as to what His life or form would look like when manifesting. I took the route of "all knowledge" but without love I am nothing, then gloried in the mysteries (which there are many that can be known) but without love are nothing. To surrender ones life to the flames (even to death itself) without love, one is nothing. The same goes for what "appears" to be love by giving all my possessions to the poor etc but without love be nothing. Looks like an impossible feat. But I think in getting it "wrong" and walking through these things somehow we will one day discover what we desire in Him. I can't tell you what it looks like or profess I have found it or walk in it, you actually might find that comforting (I don't know) but I make no claims to greatness but struggle through many defeats. It bothers me as it does you, but God sees our hearts. HE is the maker of these hearts, HE needs to work in us to will and to do HIS good pleasure. If He doesn't do it, us being left to ourselves certainly can't do it. Been there, still there, but has me perplexed, that even though His promises seem unfulfilled in me that I still have faith in Him despite the outworking evidence of it all.
**Post 6 (Six months later my post of thanks and what I learned in the process)
I checked back into my daughters memorial by chance and I found your message there and I would have never known who this kind person was and I had no way to say "Thank you". I am touched because sometimes you feel its so "senseless" and you never know if our own lives touch others lives and sometimes feel as if we make no difference at all, and I believe thats where we find blessings in this life by touching someone "somewhere" but usually we have no idea who these persons are. Its helpful to think, " maybe I am needed on this earth" or that my child (who was so hidden from the world) meant something to "someone" or did in her passing.... I don't know, but I know we probrobly all feel this way at times, and sometimes we feel that "something more" is there, that theres more then just "being here" like were a bunch of lost children ourselves finding our way back to who we will become in the end and yet the beginning of "the other shore". Somehow we affect each other, in sharing our pains, sorrows, joy, doubts and even our despairs by meeting someone who can redirect our focus on what life is all about. I think its being there for one another and that doesn't mean that we know everyone at a personal level. There are few that have stood by me through my despair, it was hard for them to do anything because they had not gone through this way before and sometimes its "we" who need the compassion the most of all but are the very ones required to give it, strange huh? But I met one freind who stood by me, I swear she was an Angel sent from Him to comfort me with His presence when I felt like the presence of God departed out of my life, and during longest season of sorrow in my life a freindship was built as God knit us together. To build anything in a storm is an act of God Himself because those who were the closest to me before this time of complete desolation hit me could do nothing. It was her suffering that enabled her to meet me where I was and the power of Gods love to restore me, and that is exactly what God does and what He did.
So many times we might forget that posts posted on the internet are written by "people" who have hearts that bleed like our own who have no where else to go and are reaching out for compassion, we mustn't ever think our loving words don't count as much here as they do anywhere else for that matter.
I'm always taken back at by the most beautiful people I have met on the internet, like rare gems, and those here with broken hearts. Among the broken hearted? Absolutely. Do you know "diamonds" (the most valuable of gems) are formed "under the earth" under extreme pressure? Sounds like "depression" takes one "under" to a place where something in us is formed in the pressing darkness. Somehow when you return you have something valuable to pour forth from your inmost being, this I find true in more cases then not, also a power to relate, encourage and extend mercy and compassion, to me they are valuable inner qualities of the divine nature which benefit all those in broken places. But what do we feel like when in this process? Like darkness has covered the face of our hearts and we cry out on "The Cross" we feel nailed to as though God has forsaken us, yet in reality God is remaking us. Its the only thing that makes sense, I need it to make sense, I think we all do. The man of sorrows and aquainted with greif has become known through my own. Sorrowful to the point of death... something in us dies as we are given over to it. So death works in us that life works in others is quickened that through our sufferings the comfort we receive is a gift that we are given to comfort others in their time of need. Through these people the life of Christ is both given and received and that is because we had a "need". Christ is "naked" we cover Him in and through each other, and our trials are a trial to others not to ourselves. Paul knew the same, and they received him, we too receive those in need. "When I was sick, when I was in prison, when I was naked" When I LACKED in the sufferings of Christ that spilled over into my life filling up in myself these things you gave to me something I needed, see? We judge ourselves as forsaken but we are not but we enter into the fellowship of our Lords suffering and His cry (Our very Lord of whom we profess) felt forsaken by God and expressed the words that would echo in our very souls when we felt the same. It is comforting to know He has been where I was and will again restore as He has my very soul in His presence.
I hope this helps, knowing others have gone through darkness and have had the same honest questions you have had. No one should judge you because even Paul said his sickness (or whatever it be) that affected Paul was not his own trial but a trial to those around him and how they received him.
I hope this brings you comfort that your not alone in your darkest hours.
In Him
Starr
as they correlate. To me the bible is more mathematical. I make mistakes now and then, but i always do a come back. I believe this is so true, 
