I don’t know what to do :(

[Strings51415]

My husband and I grew up differently. I was a part of a devout Catholic family. When we met, I had never had sex with anyone and did not want to have sex until marriage because I always thought that was what God wanted me to do. I told my then-boyfriend that and he said he was fine with it. But he had had sex with a lot of people already. I was okay with that too.
We got married about three years ago and things aren’t going well for us. I’ve really been trying everything I can....I make him great dinners, tell him why I love him, listen patiently. He’s in the military, and I’ve left my whole family and all of my friends to be with him. I took care of everything at home while he was deployed. It’s so hard for me to find a job but I’m pretty patient now and find things to do to keep myself busy. I feel like I’m trying my best.
But today he told me he can’t help but think about divorce. He says I am terrible at having sex. The thing that bothers him the most is that I don’t have [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] like his previous partners had—I need clitoral stimulation to really enjoy sex and his old girlfriends never did. He keeps saying there is something wrong with me that I need to fix, and there’s nothing he can do. I told him there’s nothing biologically wrong with me...scientifically, about 80% of all women experience sex a lot like I do. I told him that since we’re married, we’re supposed to figure out how to have sex together. I’m a different person from his previous partners, so in a way he should be learning just like I am. He said, “Well, this is the most depressing conversation I’ve ever had. Everything has to be so serious with you. Nothing is fun anymore....not even sex.”
I just don’t know what to do. He’s suggested I watch inappropriate content, so I can learn how to have sex from what they do, but I know that’s not what God would want. He would want me to learn with my husband. But my husband doesn’t seem to have any patience for me asking him questions or even making eye contact with him during sex.
I told him I thought we could really benefit from counseling. A marriage counselor, or maybe a sex therapist. He flat-out refuses to give that a try. Does anyone ever go to a sex therapist by themselves? I can’t imagine it would work well without the other partner being willing to change.
I would so appreciate any advice you have. I’ve been raised to reject divorce so strongly, but if my husband is really that turned off by me sexually and refuses to believe he can help me get better at sex, I just don’t know what else we can do.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Your husband has a blessed, patient, loving, kind wife. Most women are somewhat meh about sex. And inappropriate content is a fantasy, a ridiculous put on. It's not real.

You are not the one with the problem.

If you are still comfortable praying as a Catholic, might I recommend the Chaplet to the Immaculate Conception for your husband?

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

 

[Strings51415]

Your husband has a blessed, patient, loving, kind wife. Most women are somewhat meh about sex. And inappropriate content is a fantasy, a ridiculous put on. It's not real.

You are not the one with the problem.

If you are still comfortable praying as a Catholic, might I recommend the Chaplet to the Immaculate Conception for your husband?

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Praying is probably the most important thing I can do, and maybe the only thing I can do. I keep saying to God, “If there is anything you want me to do, please make it very obvious, you know I’m not the best at figuring out what you’re saying!”
Again, thank you so much, and thanks for the prayer. I will pray it often.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Praying is probably the most important thing I can do, and maybe the only thing I can do. I keep saying to God, “If there is anything you want me to do, please make it very obvious, you know I’m not the best at figuring out what you’re saying!”
Again, thank you so much, and thanks for the prayer. I will pray it often.

You sound like a dear lady, and a good wife. Hang in there. And you are definitely not the problem.

 

[HereIStand]

It sounds like you are a kind wife trying to do her best. Your love life is probably better than most married couples. As a guy, most men would be happy with a wife willing to be intimate. The "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" women have in inappropriate content are fake and staged. It's doubtful that most people experience that in real life.

 

[Valetic]

I mean I'm not catholic but this sounds like a good topic to bring up in some pastoral counseling.

Is he Christian?

Pastoral counseling does some pretty good things for people, at least in my experience it has for me.. It matured me, and it sounds like he can be a bit immature. This is my highest suggestion if you have not tried anything else.

Before I was born again, I was with my then girlfriend, and I was so immature that I was on and off again with her for a couple of years and she just stayed faithful to me through all my immaturity in all that time (and still does lol). After I was born again and was convinced of my sin, I put a stop to most of that and haven't broke up with her since. We are married now, and life isn't peaches and cream but I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been saved and we got married, this whole thing would've ended in divorce.

But your situation is different.. You are his wife and know him better than we do. All you can do is keep trying. I just pray he doesn't keep this up to the point where you stop trying :'(

 

[Strings51415]

It sounds like you are a kind wife trying to do her best. Your love life is probably better than most married couples. As a guy, most men would be happy with a wife willing to be intimate. The "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" women have in inappropriate content are fake and staged. It's doubtful that most people experience that in real life.

Thanks so much for your reply! I hope he figures out sometime that inappropriate content isn’t really what sex is usually like, but I don’t think I can do anything else to help him. In the meantime, the fact that he is so unhappy with me just because of that makes me feel like he doesn’t really love me. I just don’t see where this marriage is going but I’m trying to tell myself that God will guide me.

 

[Strings51415]

I mean I'm not catholic but this sounds like a good topic to bring up in some pastoral counseling.

Is he Christian?

Pastoral counseling does some pretty good things for people, at least in my experience it has for me.. It matured me, and it sounds like he can be a bit immature. This is my highest suggestion if you have not tried anything else.

Before I was born again, I was with my then girlfriend, and I was so immature that I was on and off again with her for a couple of years and she just stayed faithful to me through all my immaturity in all that time (and still does lol). After I was born again and was convinced of my sin, I put a stop to most of that and haven't broke up with her since. We are married now, and life isn't peaches and cream but I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been saved and we got married, this whole thing would've ended in divorce.

But your situation is different.. You are his wife and know him better than we do. All you can do is keep trying. I just pray he doesn't keep this up to the point where you stop trying :'(

Thanks so much for your reply. I so agree about the pastoral counseling! But he refuses to talk to anyone about our problems. His reasons are 1. he doesn’t want anyone else in our business, 2. If we have to talk to someone else to solve our problems, that means we’ve failed, and 3. the problem is really just me; if I could fix my body and make it have sex properly, everything would be fine. I know none of that is true, but he’s stuck on it.
Now he’s saying he doesn’t really want a divorce. But I just don’t see how he will ever be happy with me.

 

[Valetic]

Thanks so much for your reply. I so agree about the pastoral counseling! But he refuses to talk to anyone about our problems. His reasons are 1. he doesn’t want anyone else in our business, 2. If we have to talk to someone else to solve our problems, that means we’ve failed, and 3. the problem is really just me; if I could fix my body and make it have sex properly, everything would be fine. I know none of that is true, but he’s stuck on it.
Now he’s saying he doesn’t really want a divorce. But I just don’t see how he will ever be happy with me.

He wont be happy until he matures and has better priorities. Sounds like he wants instant gratification. Also there is failure in the relationship already if someone in it is unwilling to work out an issue or help the situation. He just needs to be more patient, kind, gentle, caring and understanding. This is why you need a third party involved - because he is being difficult with YOU.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You sound very patient and loving, and I think your husband is foolish for not appreciating that.

Him saying that the problem is your body and that if you could just "fix" it, the problem would be solved, is incredibly cruel. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your body. His shaming of you is a really horrible thing to do, and furthermore, it's not even based in reality. I would venture to guess that his ex-girlfriends were faking. He is probably not the stud he thinks he is, if I may put it bluntly.

In my opinion, the real issue here is that he is feeling insecure that he is not a good lover because you don't *appear* to have the same response to penetration as people he had been with in the past. But that's not what sex is about. True intimacy is about love, connection, and understanding, none of which he is showing you. I can't stress it enough, there is nothing wrong with your body at all.

I do think counseling might be helpful for you to sort out your feelings about this, but that would be for emotional support for you - not to change you or your sexuality. His expectations are unrealistic, unhealthy, and downright cruel.

 

[Strings51415]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You sound very patient and loving, and I think your husband is foolish for not appreciating that.

Him saying that the problem is your body and that if you could just "fix" it, the problem would be solved, is incredibly cruel. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your body. His shaming of you is a really horrible thing to do, and furthermore, it's not even based in reality. I would venture to guess that his ex-girlfriends were faking. He is probably not the stud he thinks he is, if I may put it bluntly.

In my opinion, the real issue here is that he is feeling insecure that he is not a good lover because you don't *appear* to have the same response to penetration as people he had been with in the past. But that's not what sex is about. True intimacy is about love, connection, and understanding, none of which he is showing you. I can't stress it enough, there is nothing wrong with your body at all.

I do think counseling might be helpful for you to sort out your feelings about this, but that would be for emotional support for you - not to change you or your sexuality. His expectations are unrealistic, unhealthy, and downright cruel.

Thanks so much for your reply. The last time I suggested we try some sort of counseling was right before he got deployed. He was not happy to be getting deployed and was really angry all the time. Back then he said no counseling, no talking with people at the family center, absolutely not! Then I said that I would like counseling for myself at least, and he still said I couldn't. He didn’t want someone thinking he was a bad husband and getting into our issues. Eventually I went and found whatever resources I could at the family center on the military base in a quick visit. They all encouraged me and said I was doing great but basically told me to just not do anything to upset him.
I really think keeping your wife from seeing a counselor is terrible. But I also don’t make a lot of money and I’m under his health insurance. He says counseling, especially marriage counseling, is way too expensive. I really do think we need it, though. And I don’t think it is too expensive, I think that’s just another way for him to get himself out of it.

And that word: expectations. He keeps saying my expectations of him are way too high. He said this because I asked him if he could give me some more positive affirmation once in a while because I feel like he just keeps me around because I can make food sometimes. He said of course that’s not true and I’m getting too needy. That I’m asking him to change who he is as a person. I gave him examples of how I have changed for him (ex: learned how to cook) because I love him. Then the whole “you’re terrible at sex” thing came up. Honestly, I just don’t see a way to fix any of it. I think all I can do is hope and pray.

Everyone’s replies really mean so much. I’ve reached out for help to plenty of other people and I guess they don’t understand. They try to tell me that men just don’t understand women and that’s how it is. I know marriage is not supposed to be like this, though.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think your husband has a lot of pride. Everyone needs to adjust to marriage and make compromises to an extent. Just like you learned how to cook, he can learn to be more validating and supportive of you. It isn't expecting too much for you to ask him to show his appreciation once in a while. That is not being "needy". He sounds a bit manipulative. What does he do to show his love toward you? You are right that marriage is not supposed to be like that. It's not about "winning" arguments or getting the last word. He has to work together with you as a team.

It sounds like he is stressed with work. Military life is stressful. I don't have personal experience with being a military wife, but I do have relatives who do, so I have some understanding of what he may be going through. However, it is hard for the spouses too, and his stress isn't an excuse to treat you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you want counseling, even for yourself, you should be able to get it. There are free or low-cost options. He doesn't have the right to deny you counseling. I see it as the same as medical treatment. Would he refuse to allow you to go to the doctor if you had a broken arm or a sinus infection? It's the same thing.

 

[Valetic]

Again I must ask. Is he Christian?

My conversion and salvation experience changed me and saved what would have been a broken relationship and turned me into a person more interested in being open and growing, a person restored by the Holy Spirit... I think the real reason he doesn't want counseling is because he knows he is wrong and is afraid to admit and confront and deal with his issues. I never knew what it meant to deal with issues til I dealt with my own demons. It's okay we all were born into sin, we are all raised differently, we just need to strive to be better than the generation before us.

I'm not saying if or when he is saved it will solve all these problems.. That's just what it took for me, I asked God who I should marry the night I was saved. He made it very plain to me - He said I could either be with this one who would love me more than any other woman on the whole planet, or I could be with any other woman I want, it's my choice. And I made my choice and from that moment a lot of my immaturity vanished in my relationship with her.

As for the sex thing, he just has a misunderstanding of the human body concerning women. It's okay! Someone just needs to tell him that they are like an (God forgive me) unoiled machine that needs to be warmed up. Like when you drive a car, you have to let it idle down and if you don't wait until it reaches the correct operating temperature before you floor it you could be damaging the engine over time. I don't know if I should be saying this lol but someone needs to tell him that

 

[Strings51415]

Again I must ask. Is he Christian?

My conversion and salvation experience changed me and saved what would have been a broken relationship and turned me into a person more interested in being open and growing, a person restored by the Holy Spirit... I think the real reason he doesn't want counseling is because he knows he is wrong and is afraid to admit and confront and deal with his issues. I never knew what it meant to deal with issues til I dealt with my own demons. It's okay we all were born into sin, we are all raised differently, we just need to strive to be better than the generation before us.

I'm not saying if or when he is saved it will solve all these problems.. That's just what it took for me, I asked God who I should marry the night I was saved. He made it very plain to me - He said I could either be with this one who would love me more than any other woman on the whole planet, or I could be with any other woman I want, it's my choice. And I made my choice and from that moment a lot of my immaturity vanished in my relationship with her.

As for the sex thing, he just has a misunderstanding of the human body concerning women. It's okay! Someone just needs to tell him that they are like an (God forgive me) unoiled machine that needs to be warmed up. Like when you drive a car, you have to let it idle down and if you don't wait until it reaches the correct operating temperature before you floor it you could be damaging the engine over time. I don't know if I should be saying this lol but someone needs to tell him that

Thanks so much for your reply. He considers himself to be a strong Christian and has been “saved” a couple times. But to me, he doesn’t seem to be a very strong Christian. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the sanctification part of the process. It didn’t seem like this until after we got married. As far as I know, he doesn’t study the Bible and doesn’t pray often. He’s not bothered if he misses church. Once in a while I gently mention a verse from the Bible if I think it can apply to a situation he is in. I’m not sure if it really helps.

I’ve told him about how women need to be warmed up but he insists no one he has ever had sex with was like that. He’s gotten a little better about understanding that, but sometimes during foreplay he’ll sigh heavily and act annoyed. Great way to get in the mood, right?

Again, everyone, thanks so much for your replies. I think I have some more ideas about what I can do. And I really appreciate your encouraging words and prayers.

 

[Valetic]

He considers himself to be a strong Christian and has been “saved” a couple times. But to me, he doesn’t seem to be a very strong Christian. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the sanctification part of the process. It didn’t seem like this until after we got married. As far as I know, he doesn’t study the Bible and doesn’t pray often. He’s not bothered if he misses church. Once in a while I gently mention a verse from the Bible if I think it can apply to a situation he is in. I’m not sure if it really helps.

This bit makes me skeptical as to whether or not he is born again. Either he has a misunderstanding of what salvation experience is or he doesn't have it.

I understand that the OP isn't exactly about this issue, and that's fine, but as a wife and a Christian his place in eternity might need to be a concern for you if you are a believer and a witness of the Holy Spirit himself. If so I would encourage you to seek out the truth as to whether or not he is born again. I know it's different for everybody, but for me it was a one time deal that changed me forever that can't happen to me again. It's like saying a human can literally be born from the womb more than once - that's how I see it. The flesh gives birth to flesh, but the spirit gives birth to spirit, as stated in the bible.

Again I won't say this is something that solves all the issues. But it's a burden I bare as a Christian. When I was saved I was off again with my now wife, and I had such a passion for Christ that when I talked to her again I wasn't going to leave the conversation without her being born again. We got back together and havent been apart since.

My hope for your husband is simple and I'll quote the bible. And I will pray it too - that he would be transformed by the renewing of his mind.

 

[Strings51415]

This bit makes me skeptical as to whether or not he is born again. Either he has a misunderstanding of what salvation experience is or he doesn't have it.

I understand that the OP isn't exactly about this issue, and that's fine, but as a wife and a Christian his place in eternity might need to be a concern for you if you are a believer and a witness of the Holy Spirit himself. If so I would encourage you to seek out the truth as to whether or not he is born again. I know it's different for everybody, but for me it was a one time deal that changed me forever that can't happen to me again. It's like saying a human can literally be born from the womb more than once - that's how I see it. The flesh gives birth to flesh, but the spirit gives birth to spirit, as stated in the bible.

Again I won't say this is something that solves all the issues. But it's a burden I bare as a Christian. When I was saved I was off again with my now wife, and I had such a passion for Christ that when I talked to her again I wasn't going to leave the conversation without her being born again. We got back together and havent been apart since.

My hope for your husband is simple and I'll quote the bible. And I will pray it too - that he would be transformed by the renewing of his mind.

I am always concerned about his spirit, but he gets annoyed with me if I talk about something he could do differently.
I have an older sister who constantly preaches to my family, but not in a way that helps; she has told my parents multiple times that they are going to hell for various reasons. My husband has been caught in a conversation with her a few times and if I ever say anything as simple as, “You know, cussing really doesn’t suit you. You’re a good Christian and you don’t need to do that” he gets mad and says, “You sound just like your sister.”
We were blessed to be in a pretty good church group for about a year, and sometimes the group leader would say something that would make me think, “AH! My husband does need to hear that.” But he would often say something afterwards to show he was resentful of the message, whether it was about tithing, or daily journaling, fasting, mission trips, or always attending church.
Before he got deployed, I spent a month or two making audio recordings of myself reading the entire Bible. I bought an iPad he could take so if he missed my voice or missed going to church, he could just listen to the Bible. I asked him once if he listened to it, and he said sort of uncomfortably, “Yeah, a little bit, like maybe the first chapter or so.”
It hurt to hear that, because I really thought I did something good there and it could have helped, but God took away that pain from me and helped me to accept that the recordings didn’t do the good I hoped they would (at least not for him; they did plenty of good for me.) He hasn’t used the iPad for anything since he got home from deployment.

We do have an opportunity to get into a new church and a new church group with the move we have just had.
Do you think him getting into a group just for husbands would be helpful for him? Maybe he was a little resistant to messages before because I was sitting there.

 

[Poppyseed78]

A men's church group/Bible study could be helpful for him if he wants to go, but it might not do a lot of good if he isn't there willingly. I say this gently, he might be feeling pressured, and that could make him even more resistant to attending church or working on his faith. You can make suggestions, but you can't change anyone if they are unwilling to change.

 

[Valetic]

Yeah I mean you can't exactly force someone to come to Christ because ultimately it is a decision they have to make. I just get evangelical sometimes, and the first person I ever led to Christ was my wife, and I think the only reason it worked is because she truly loves me, and she could see that I wasn't going to take no for an answer lol.

I think the biggest issue in the OP is respect. I've said all I can, I will continue to keep this family in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love ~

 

[tall73]

Has your husband said anything about what happened on his deployments? It sounds like he may be dealing with a lot of things that he will not allow himself to think about. And since he resists any help he has no way to go forward.

Has he expressed any sentiments of depression, suicide, etc.?

You mentioned the sex issue in particular, but it sounds like he switched the attention to that in order to avoid the other issues you were raising at the time. In any case, even if there was a solution to the sex issue it would likely not solve the underlying issues.

From the little we have heard it sounds like he is experiencing a lot of guilt. He knows he should make changes, but deflects anytime he hears of them, whether from those at church, from you, from the Scriptures themselves, etc.

At this point, as was suggested, prayer may be the only thing you can do to change that. But try not to push for changes overtly at this point. Continue to live out your faith in a strong fashion so that he can see that example. While I think it is fantastic that you took the time to record the Bible in your voice, and many would appreciate that, he probably saw that as a challenge from you that he needs to change. And on some level that apparently was your hope.

At this point I would make sure he is not facing suicidal thoughts, etc. as that would need intervention, even if he does not want it. Beyond that I would try to back off slightly with change suggestions, and love him despite his struggles currently. When he expresses an interest in sharing, opening up, discussing faith, then certainly do so.

The statement about even sex being depressing sounds like he is viewing everything from a depressed lens right now.

On the sex issue you are perfectly right not to watch inappropriate content, and this would be adultery per Jesus' statements in Matthew 5.

If he is watching inappropriate content that is likely contributing to a lot of this. And while overseas he may have been tempted to do so. This also could lead to guilt on his part.

If he insists on re-hashing the sexual issue, you may want to just print this article and give it to him to read:

The Most Important Sexual Statistic

In the meantime, there are ways to achieve such stimulation, even while engaging in types of sex that are approved of (open to life), within the Catholic church, through manual stimulation, if he is willing to help in this way during intercourse.

His expectations at this point are distorted from inappropriate content and previous experiences, and he should stop mentioning either one, but at this point he likely will not. So you may just have to suggest what could work and go from there.

It is understandable that if he refuses to show affection, and criticizes you, and compares you to previous lovers and inappropriate contentography that you would feel unloved. I am not saying this is right of him to do, and he knows it is not. He knows what any counselor would tell him about that. That is why he is avoiding it.

However, he may love you but is dealing with a great number of issues that he just cannot get past, and will not get help for. Pray and hope that he becomes willing.

You have mentioned him at times being angry, etc. has he been abusive? (Make sure in answering that he will not see your answer if there is any chance of him being abusive).

This could change some of what we are speaking of. If you are in danger, you may not have time to wait for him to figure out his issues. If he is in danger from himself the same may apply.

 

[Strings51415]

Has your husband said anything about what happened on his deployments? It sounds like he may be dealing with a lot of things that he will not allow himself to think about. And since he resists any help he has no way to go forward.

Has he expressed any sentiments of depression, suicide, etc.?

You mentioned the sex issue in particular, but it sounds like he switched the attention to that in order to avoid the other issues you were raising at the time. In any case, even if there was a solution to the sex issue it would likely not solve the underlying issues.

From the little we have heard it sounds like he is experiencing a lot of guilt. He knows he should make changes, but deflects anytime he hears of them, whether from those at church, from you, from the Scriptures themselves, etc.

At this point, as was suggested, prayer may be the only thing you can do to change that. But try not to push for changes overtly at this point. Continue to live out your faith in a strong fashion so that he can see that example. While I think it is fantastic that you took the time to record the Bible in your voice, and many would appreciate that, he probably saw that as a challenge from you that he needs to change. And on some level that apparently was your hope.

At this point I would make sure he is not facing suicidal thoughts, etc. as that would need intervention, even if he does not want it. Beyond that I would try to back off slightly with change suggestions, and love him despite his struggles currently. When he expresses an interest in sharing, opening up, discussing faith, then certainly do so.

The statement about even sex being depressing sounds like he is viewing everything from a depressed lens right now.

On the sex issue you are perfectly right not to watch inappropriate content, and this would be adultery per Jesus' statements in Matthew 5.

If he is watching inappropriate content that is likely contributing to a lot of this. And while overseas he may have been tempted to do so. This also could lead to guilt on his part.

If he insists on re-hashing the sexual issue, you may want to just print this article and give it to him to read:

The Most Important Sexual Statistic

In the meantime, there are ways to achieve such stimulation, even while engaging in types of sex that are approved of (open to life), within the Catholic church, through manual stimulation, if he is willing to help in this way during intercourse.

His expectations at this point are distorted from inappropriate content and previous experiences, and he should stop mentioning either one, but at this point he likely will not. So you may just have to suggest what could work and go from there.

It is understandable that if he refuses to show affection, and criticizes you, and compares you to previous lovers and inappropriate contentography that you would feel unloved. I am not saying this is right of him to do, and he knows it is not. He knows what any counselor would tell him about that. That is why he is avoiding it.

However, he may love you but is dealing with a great number of issues that he just cannot get past, and will not get help for. Pray and hope that he becomes willing.

You have mentioned him at times being angry, etc. has he been abusive? (Make sure in answering that he will not see your answer if there is any chance of him being abusive).

This could change some of what we are speaking of. If you are in danger, you may not have time to wait for him to figure out his issues. If he is in danger from himself the same may apply.

Thanks so much for your reply! We don’t really have an abusive relationship. And because of his line of work, the deployment wasn’t traumatic for him as far as I know. He didn’t enjoy it, but he was working in an office safely.
I know he’s not suicidal; I do think he is sad to be getting older and realizing life isn’t always as fun as it used to be. He gets really resentful when his mother asks about when we might have kids.
I think you’re right about just doing the best I can and loving him through it. I really appreciate everyone’s advice.