I don’t know what to do :(

[tall73]

Thanks so much for your reply! We don’t really have an abusive relationship. And because of his line of work, the deployment wasn’t traumatic for him as far as I know. He didn’t enjoy it, but he was working in an office safely.
I know he’s not suicidal;

Well that is good then.

I do think he is sad to be getting older and realizing life isn’t always as fun as it used to be. He gets really resentful when his mother asks about when we might have kids.

So he seems angry about responsibility in general?

 

[Strings51415]

So he seems angry about responsibility in general?

I think that would make sense. Usually if there is something he did wrong, he tries to find a way to make it my fault instead; maybe he just doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions.
Even things as simple as misplacing his work boots. He puts them somewhere weird and can’t remember where they are. He insists I’ve done something with them, then gets frustrated and stops looking for them. I keep looking and eventually find them in a moving box, or a dresser, or the laundry closet. In some cases he will act like I must have put them in there, since I found them so fast. To which I usually say, “...Do you really not remember putting them in there?”
But if I say something like that, instead of laughing about it, he will say it’s just a joke, I’m too serious, I’m no fun, and so on.

 

[Jon Osterman]

Thanks so much for your reply! We don’t really have an abusive relationship.

From your posts here it most certainly does sound like he is being abusive. Abuse isn't just physical and it sounds like he is, possibly unintentionally, mentally abusing you. Your sexual function sounds to me to be completely normal and your expectations of him are entirely reasonable.

To be honest, I am not sure whether counselling or therapy that you go to on your own would help. It is not you who is the problem - he is. I myself did go to a sex therapist once, for rather similar reasons, and the therapist concluded that there was nothing wrong with me to fix, so nothing she could do.

I think your husband has a problem with immaturity. He is feeling threatened and insecure that you are not enjoying sex as he would like, and is deflecting the "problem" (i.e. his insecurity) onto you to make himself feel better about it. However, it sounds like you have talked to him about this already with no success, so I am not sure what else you can do about that other than pray.

 

[tall73]

The thing that bothers him the most is that I don’t have [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] like his previous partners had—I need clitoral stimulation to really enjoy sex and his old girlfriends never did.

By the way, you might consider reading the following chapter from Living a Christian Life.

It gives detailed information on what is acceptable from a conservative Catholic perspective, at least from my understanding. I am not Catholic! But it is a starting point. Some of it seems to apply.

The book is by Germain Grisez, professor emeritus of Christian ethics at Mount St. Mary’s University (now deceased). He was known for being a defender of Catholic moral stances in areas of sexuality, abortion and contraception.

LIVING A CHRISTIAN LIFE : Marriage, Sexual Acts, and Family Life

The wife’s complete sexual satisfaction ([bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]) is not necessary for sexual intercourse insofar as it is a reproductive function, but it does contribute to complete marital intercourse as a mutually satisfying experience of one-flesh communion. Hence, acts by the husband or the wife intended to intensify to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] her sexual arousal in continuity with any complete act of marital intercourse belong to that intercourse, and so they are marital, even if done during foreplay or after the husband’s [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and withdrawal. However, any act intended to bring about her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] through arousal in no way continuous with that involved in marital intercourse would be a nonmarital act, and therefore wrong.

 

[Dave-W]

However, any act intended to bring about her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] through arousal in no way continuous with that involved in marital intercourse would be a nonmarital act, and therefore wrong.

That guy needed to read Song of Solomon without the allegory-only sunglasses.

 

[Poppyseed78]

That guy needed to read Song of Solomon without the allegory-only sunglasses.

I'm so confused by the line "However, any act intended to bring about her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] through arousal in no way continuous with that involved in marital intercourse would be a nonmarital act, and therefore wrong." I don't get it lol.

 

[Dave-W]

I'm so confused by the line "However, any act intended to bring about her [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] through arousal in no way continuous with that involved in marital intercourse would be a nonmarital act, and therefore wrong." I don't get it lol.

It means that any activity intended to arouse a wife or bring her to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] apart from coital intercourse is forbidden.

That is the classical Catholic stance.

My point was that the Song is full of examples of exactly what he said was "therefore wrong."

Oral stimulation
Manual stimulation
Masturbating​

 

[Poppyseed78]

Thank you for the explanation lol.

 

[tall73]

It means that any activity intended to arouse a wife or bring her to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] apart from coital intercourse is forbidden.

That is the classical Catholic stance.

My point was that the Song is full of examples of exactly what he said was "therefore wrong."

Oral stimulation
Manual stimulation
Masturbating​

Actually in some Catholic sources (again, note, I am not Catholic) they permit some of those activities as long as it winds up in coitus which is open to life.

I am not arguing for the correctness of the Catholic position. But in this case the point is if she wants to use manual stimulation during coitus she can, which might solve a problem with her husband, and still hold to (if she still does) the traditional Catholic stance of her upbringing.

 

[Dave-W]

as long as it winds up in coitus which is open to life.

Yes, That is their bottom line. The husband has to finish, and that inside the wife.

Of all of the examples of sex in the Song of Solomon, very few have to do with his drive or satisfaction. It is all about her.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Yes, That is their bottom line. The husband has to finish, and that inside the wife.

Of all of the examples of sex in the Song of Solomon, very few have to do with his drive or satisfaction. It is all about her.

As it should be. lol

 

[Dave-W]

As it should be. lol

Based on a few passages in the Books of Moses and Song of Solomon, in the first century Jewish society, sexual satisfaction was considered a wife' RIGHT and a husband's obligation. Frequency was written right into the marriage contracts.

If his work was not too physicality demanding and he did not travel, it was daily.