I could use some advise...

[daveprez]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now and now we feel like we're at the point that where if we dont have feelings of a possible successful marriage together, there isnt a point in continuing the relationship.

We both said that we feel we can happily and successfully marry eachother and we are still together.


Now my girlfriend is having thought about "what if im not the one for her?" she cant think of any reason why I'm not/couldnt be the one shes supposed to marry... but she just finds herself wondering if maybe im not...

shes throwing around the idea that maybe we take some time apart to see who else is out there..

to me this sounds like, "you'd work, but let me see if i can do better"

is this true?

I dont know what to think.. We have both said we want to marry eachother and are just waiting for the day that is possible for us...

but now she just doesnt know if im the one.

this is discouraging to me...

I am just praying God's will keeps us together.

Any input would be great!

 

[plum]

I just want to say I can see how hearing that could hurt your feelings if you thought she was certain before. I identify with that a bit myself sometimes.

One thing you could consider is that it's a healthy thing for her (and you) to re-examine the relationship at different stages-- always allowing the voice of G-d to get past any "of course this is how it will be!" assumptions. Though it's scary to think, "let me look at this critically," it's the healthiest thing to do. So perhaps this is a good stage to be in with her. Be open in prayer towards G-d and let Him lead you both towards what's best in His will.

 

[superfly]

have you made the right decisions so far in your life? small silly things, like when you hurt yourself, do you yell out a swear word, or do you just say "ouch!" if your boss or friend or whoever says, "oh, don't worry, just say xxxxxx to them" and you know it's a lie, do you lie or do you tell the truth?

well, if you have been making the right decisions so far in your life, then marrying her is going to be another RIGHT decision. and God will honour that decision.

you tell your gf what i've just told you here. God will honour your marriage, because you made the RIGHT decision. you married a good, honourable, christian lady (i presume she's a christian!). and she made the RIGHT decision. she decided to marry a good, honourable, christian man.

 

[daveprez]

have you made the right decisions so far in your life? small silly things, like when you hurt yourself, do you yell out a swear word, or do you just say "ouch!" if your boss or friend or whoever says, "oh, don't worry, just say xxxxxx to them" and you know it's a lie, do you lie or do you tell the truth?

well, if you have been making the right decisions so far in your life, then marrying her is going to be another RIGHT decision. and God will honour that decision.

you tell your gf what i've just told you here. God will honour your marriage, because you made the RIGHT decision. you married a good, honourable, christian lady (i presume she's a christian!). and she made the RIGHT decision. she decided to marry a good, honourable, christian man.

yeah, we are both Christians and we have grown in our relationships with Christ a lot more in the year we've been together...

 

[f U z ! o N]

how old are you and your girlfriend?

also

have you made the right decisions so far in your life? small silly things, like when you hurt yourself, do you yell out a swear word, or do you just say "ouch!" if your boss or friend or whoever says, "oh, don't worry, just say xxxxxx to them" and you know it's a lie, do you lie or do you tell the truth?

i don't agree with this. sometimes when i hurt myself i let one slip. so if i don't say ouch im a bad person?

 

[Hope_0004]

I think it is normal to question everything once in awhile. Most of the time, we come to find out that we were right all along, but it keeps us remembering why and also that we are lucky!

How old are you? Have you ever dated anyone else? If you are young, I would say this is not only normal, but almost impossible to avoid. Ditto if you've not dated other people. Doesn't mean you have to get older or date other people to love each other or be right for each other, but curiousity is instinctual.

Then again, there is always the chance that she's second-guessing your relationship. However, you should know if she's the type to do this or not. You should be able to talk about it if you are seriously considering marriage, even if it is uncomfortable. If you are sensing that this is what the deal is, you need to bring it up with her before she completely pulls away.

 

[Hediru]

I think that I would be more worried if she was not second guessing. We should constantly be discerning God's will, and sometimes our own wants and desires can drown out the truth. I would not break up unless you have a really strong urge to and are sure its the right thing to do. And you've only been dating a year. It could just be that you are to early on in your relationship to tell what the future holds. If its to be, it will be. Just trust in this: you are supposed to be together RIGHT NOW. If not, then you wouldn't be! Stop focusing on the future as much and enjoy the gift that God has given you in the present!

 

[bumblebee62331]

Ok it can be a bit scary. I'm in a long-term relationship and I've said to my boyfriend, yup, you're the one for me. And at times, I have totally freaked out and questioned this. This is healthy. This is good. You want her to question it, so that when she realises it really is what she wants, that's better than just blindly agreeing to something that is "safe" and "comfortable". Does that make sense?

It isn't a nice thing to hear, but at least she is being honest. She's thinking about how long the future is to be with you and freaking out a little bit. Just be there for her, be supportive. Suggest that she doesn't "see" anyone else, but rather just take a step back and re-assess the relationship with you.

After a few days, she will be calling to say she misses you.

 

[daveprez]

Thank you to everyone who responded! Everything is fine and my girlfriend just needed a day to just sit back and sort through her life.

I was just pretty nervous about it because it was the first time in a year there has ever been any type of feelings other than complete happiness in our relationship.

Thank you again!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Have you considered accountability people/mentors to come alongside you and support you in your relationship? If you can find an older, successfully married couple in your church (or community) who you would feel comfortable doing this with, I'd highly recommend it.

There is NOTHING wrong with asking 'is this it?' when it comes to relationships. Sometimes we get caught up so much in the 'this is great', 'she's so amazing' kind of thoughts, that we forget that it's been a long time since we've spent time just observing each other's characters in situations other than ones where you two are together, finding out how each other's family of origin worked, or just simply what beliefs you hold to strongly (it can often be a conflict when you may hold a very firm opinion on something, and she doesn't).

I see so many couples do ALL the questioning when they first start dating, and then it is all smooth, so they forget it for months on end. Then, all of a sudden, something crops up, and it causes a lot of conflict, which throws them for a loop, because they haven't thought to discuss things like that for a fair while.

Seriously, look at (if this appears to be heading as serious as you say it is) getting a mentor couple, and I'd also recommend the following books:

* Boundaries in Dating (also called 'Boundaries Before Marriage)
* Boundaries in Marriage
* Love Must Be Tough

Also, have a look at a questionnaire like 'PREPARE', if you're heading towards marriage. This can often highlight differences that could cause problems in the future, if they haven't been discussed thoroughly ahead of time, and you have a 'plan of attack' all ready in place.

Do not be afraid of questions like this - it's all part of growing your relationship, and I think it's very wise to keep doing 'checkups' on your relationship, to ensure you are as much on the same page as you think you are.

We did this even before we started dating, and continue doing it now, and it's shown a lot of blessings now that we're in the middle of premarital counselling, because we've been addressing the things that have come up right from the start of the relationship, and never just relied on 'but it's been so good so far', and 'he seems so great' or whatever...

No matter how good our relationship seemed to be, it never stopped us from doing the checkups and asking ourselves the BIG questions like 'is this it?', 'is this REALLY who I want to be my husband', 'does she really show the character I want in my wife, and in the mother of my children'.

Sasch

 

[daveprez]

Have you considered accountability people/mentors to come alongside you and support you in your relationship? If you can find an older, successfully married couple in your church (or community) who you would feel comfortable doing this with, I'd highly recommend it.

There is NOTHING wrong with asking 'is this it?' when it comes to relationships. Sometimes we get caught up so much in the 'this is great', 'she's so amazing' kind of thoughts, that we forget that it's been a long time since we've spent time just observing each other's characters in situations other than ones where you two are together, finding out how each other's family of origin worked, or just simply what beliefs you hold to strongly (it can often be a conflict when you may hold a very firm opinion on something, and she doesn't).

I see so many couples do ALL the questioning when they first start dating, and then it is all smooth, so they forget it for months on end. Then, all of a sudden, something crops up, and it causes a lot of conflict, which throws them for a loop, because they haven't thought to discuss things like that for a fair while.

Seriously, look at (if this appears to be heading as serious as you say it is) getting a mentor couple, and I'd also recommend the following books:

* Boundaries in Dating (also called 'Boundaries Before Marriage)
* Boundaries in Marriage
* Love Must Be Tough

Also, have a look at a questionnaire like 'PREPARE', if you're heading towards marriage. This can often highlight differences that could cause problems in the future, if they haven't been discussed thoroughly ahead of time, and you have a 'plan of attack' all ready in place.

Do not be afraid of questions like this - it's all part of growing your relationship, and I think it's very wise to keep doing 'checkups' on your relationship, to ensure you are as much on the same page as you think you are.

We did this even before we started dating, and continue doing it now, and it's shown a lot of blessings now that we're in the middle of premarital counselling, because we've been addressing the things that have come up right from the start of the relationship, and never just relied on 'but it's been so good so far', and 'he seems so great' or whatever...

No matter how good our relationship seemed to be, it never stopped us from doing the checkups and asking ourselves the BIG questions like 'is this it?', 'is this REALLY who I want to be my husband', 'does she really show the character I want in my wife, and in the mother of my children'.

Sasch

Thank you for your advise!

We kind of do have a mentor couple and kind of another one.. It is my girlfriend's mom and dad that we look to mostly, but we also see the youth pastor and his wife from our church as a mentor type couple.

It helps a lot. Our relationship is fine. This was just the first time we've ever had "what if" feelings aboutour relationship. I guess it was just hard for me to grasp at first, that those feelings are natural and itd be more weird to not have them, than to have them.

thank you!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

You're welcome!

I can understand that kinda 'whaaaa' feeling that comes when the other person displays something that MIGHT mean they are less 'assured' that the relationship is right than you are.

It's natural to feel that way - so it's good that you were able to see what benefits could come from asking those kinds of questions. It's a good way to bring yourself back to the reality of a permanent relationship with that person, rather than relying on the fact that when it's the two of you, it seems so good.

Sounds great about the mentor couple too. Seems like you're on the right track with this - the world doesn't end when someone asks 'is this it?', does it?

Sasch