I confessed and she accepted

[lourie]

this guy she set up the 3some with. did you see a picture? did she give a name? and how did she know that he was called to work? did he call her? Maybe you should tell her you need his number so you can reschedule??

 

[4jacks]

I wouldn't separate, that would probably only lead to more cheating because of loneliness and opportunity. I got pregnant during my husband and I's separation....

I also would consider, since you (OP) have cheated, that she is just a wounded puppy looking for love and God's healing in the wrong places. I wouldn't leave her even if she did cheat, I would get into counseling and fast.

Also........ what are you thinking letting another man in your hosue even if it is a bluff??? Even if he isn't the type to rape and pillage, this man is obviously "free" sexually...... STDsANYONE????

I'm sorry ... I threw out the seperation Idea, before he admitted to cheating in the past. It seemed to me that she wasn't taking his concerns seriously and a breif seperation might be the smack in the butt she needed.

I still suspect, she's already cheated.

So... what actions have you come up with? What are you doing to make things right? I acknowledge you're forgiven by God if you've repented - but that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to do a lot of hard yards in the interest of healing your marriage and your wife. It's not all your responsibility - God is the source of healing, and your wife needs to open up to that healing - but you do need to be doing the 'right thing' in more ways than just avoiding MORE marriage-destroying behaviour. It's like your marriage is in pieces around you... just putting down the hammer isn't enough, you need to be picking up the pieces and using the glue, otherwise you've still got a helluva mess.

Y'know, I'd be overjoyed to think that I'd misunderstood you. I don't wander around these forums looking for people to slam. And maybe you just have a lot of trouble expressing yourself in writing. But I'm not going to decide you're a great guy just because you SAY I'm wrong. Prove it

Someone needs to take a deep breathe...
This guys comes on here to ASK advice on how he can put the pieces of the puzzle back together again, so why are you being so hard on him telling him he has to Prove something by putting the pieces of the puzzle back together? He doesn't need to prove any thing to anyone on here, and he doesn't need to be apologetic to anyone on here. And it's a silly requirement to need a advanced degree in technical writing in order to ask advice on the internet. He got the main point of his post across just fine. He needs help in stearing his marriage in the right direction.

He never said... "My wife is a this and that... and blah blah blah"

He doesn't understand what's going on, and he wants advice.

As far as helping this guy, I'm clueless, sorry dude, this is way above my head. I say get to consouling FAST.

 

[newcreature]

I know first hand the pain that porn causes in a marriage. Although my ex-husband wouldn't admit it, I knew the lifestyle that he was living. He, at the time, thought i was clueless. Having said that, Praise God that you have sought forgiveness, and have been forgiven for this!!

After several years of the deception, I began to give up on God. I, too, no longer wanted to be the good girl, the one who tried to hold the pieces together. With that mindset, I fell, and fell hard. Some of the choices i made, only pushed me farther away from my ex, and my God. Maybe she is totally in this mindset. Maybe not. I will be praying that God helps both of you pick up the pieces of you marriage!

I would first find a time to talk to her about how much you love her, and how you are going to prove that to her. She probably doubts herself, and is confused just as you are. Love is an action, that is taken so lightly in so many marriages these days.

Be willing to fight for your marriage by prayer, fasting (if need be), and seeking a good counselor. If you are the only one that decides to go, so be it! It can offer you a tremendous amount of support.

Dear Lord, I come to you right now on behalf of the OP, and his wife. I pray for a healing that only you can provide. May the divide that this has caused, be closed by You. Open their eyes to the need of You, and please restore their precious marriage. In Your precious, and Holy name! Amen!

God Bless you!

Elaine

 

[Whitestone]

I know first hand the pain that porn causes in a marriage. Although my ex-husband wouldn't admit it, I knew the lifestyle that he was living. He, at the time, thought i was clueless. Having said that, Praise God that you have sought forgiveness, and have been forgiven for this!!

After several years of the deception, I began to give up on God. I, too, no longer wanted to be the good girl, the one who tried to hold the pieces together. With that mindset, I fell, and fell hard. Some of the choices i made, only pushed me farther away from my ex, and my God. Maybe she is totally in this mindset. Maybe not. I will be praying that God helps both of you pick up the pieces of you marriage!

I would first find a time to talk to her about how much you love her, and how you are going to prove that to her. She probably doubts herself, and is confused just as you are. Love is an action, that is taken so lightly in so many marriages these days.

Be willing to fight for your marriage by prayer, fasting (if need be), and seeking a good counselor. If you are the only one that decides to go, so be it! It can offer you a tremendous amount of support.

Dear Lord, I come to you right now on behalf of the OP, and his wife. I pray for a healing that only you can provide. May the divide that this has caused, be closed by You. Open their eyes to the need of You, and please restore their precious marriage. In Your precious, and Holy name! Amen!

God Bless you!

Elaine

Awsome post, I never thought about how a husband's actions could casually/unconciously lead a wife away from the Lord.

 

[onlyimagine]

Thank you newcreature for the prayer and advise. I don't understand way some people want to be so harsh. I was just asking for advise not bashing. I just have to give it all to the Lord and he will see me through it. I thank everyone who rplied to my post. May God bless you all.

P.U.S.H.

 

[onlyimagine]

Ok I'm back I tried to call her bluff now she is ready to do the 3some. She confessed that she had spoke to the other guy and tried to meet him but her plans fell through. I love her with all my heart, I think I may have to leave her, I don't want to but I can't honor God by living that lifestyle.

 

[4jacks]

I personally think trying to call her bluff was a really really really bad idea...

First you were like "Yeah, lets have a 3-some"

And now you're like "That's wrong and I'm leaving You"

Talking about giving her mixed signals...

Did you look into marriage consouling?

 

[Yitzchak]

WHAT?

Let me get this straight. You've cheated, looked at porn, and almost invited another man into your bed. And now your wife is the bad person.

Try stepping into her shoes for a second. You try for 14 years to be a good christian spouse, only to have your spouse cheat, lie and fantasise about other men and women. I bet she hasn't been getting much satisfaction from that. Can't you see that after 14 years of that rubbish, you might decide that being 'good' has gotten you nowhere, and you might as well join your husband in his happy cheating sex?

Except you've conveniently decided that you're born-again and too good for all that stuff, and you're 'shocked' at your wife's behaviour. Well, guess what, buddy? YOU have allowed your marriage to get to this state. YOU stuffed up a LOT. YOU are the one who needs to be working to fix the mess YOU made, not prancing around on forums all amazed and prissy-mouthed at your wife's 'unchristian' behaviour.

Oh... and I realise this is a text-based medium, but I'm extremely bothered by the fact that I can't detect a shred of honest remorse and repentance in your posts. You seem more bemused that she won't 'suck it up' and get on with being a good wife.

Get off the flipping computer, haul your wife to counselling, and get prepared for a long, hard road in which you work at healing your marriage and helping your wife regain trust in you - IF that's possible.

A little blunt. But basically the truth. I hope that humilty and brokeness over this is something the opening poster has found by now.

 

[InTheFlame]

Be consistent. If you say one thing and mean another, then say the opposite... what's she supposed to believe?

So... what have you been doing in the last week? What steps are you taking to try and heal this marriage?

 

[bliz]

Someone needs to take a deep breathe...
This guys comes on here to ASK advice on how he can put the pieces of the puzzle back together again, so why are you being so hard on him telling him he has to Prove something by putting the pieces of the puzzle back together? He doesn't need to prove any thing to anyone on here, and he doesn't need to be apologetic to anyone on here. And it's a silly requirement to need a advanced degree in technical writing in order to ask advice on the internet. He got the main point of his post across just fine. He needs help in stearing his marriage in the right direction.

He never said... "My wife is a this and that... and blah blah blah"

He doesn't understand what's going on, and he wants advice.

As far as helping this guy, I'm clueless, sorry dude, this is way above my head. I say get to consouling FAST.

No one is being hard on this guy. He has not been bashed or slammed or insulted or called names or anything like that. A few of us have spoken the truth about exactly what he has done, that's all.

He steered the ship of his marriage on to the rocks over and over again for 12 years. Astonishingly, his wife is still on board! Now, she wants to make a very bad and foolish choice, and he wants to take over as captain and bark orders to her to get back in line. He says he is forgiven. By whom? It does not sound to me as if his wife has forgiven him! She is a rather important person in this mess! He does not get to walk back into the marriage declaring "God has forgiven me!" and ignore the repeated betrayals and pain and insults he has caused her without proving that he is worthy of her respect and attention and love. No, he does not have not be perfect. But he cannot declare the past ancient history to be forgotten and never mentioned again. She lived through that same past, remember?

 

[LILIVIWA]

Let her know you love her and that you will stay by her whatever decision she makes.
She stood by you all this time...show her that you will do the same...it might open her eyes to see how much you have changed.

Remember it might take time but you love her...right? So you know what type of person she is ....if you want to save your marriage...do what your spiritual self tells you.

In achieving this you need to spend time in prayer or get a christian councilor to help you with your spiritual life...once it is on track come what may....you have the best aid anybody on this earth can get... JESUS

 

[salsa]

I personally think trying to call her bluff was a really really really bad idea...

First you were like "Yeah, lets have a 3-some"

And now you're like "That's wrong and I'm leaving You"

Talking about giving her mixed signals...

Did you look into marriage consouling?

very true!

 

[snarfywarning]

Okay.

So, you have been looking at porn for 12 years (Your wife never noticed?!) and you confessed that you have been addicted to porn, but now you are stopped (right?) You repented and turned your life back to the Lord. Then your wife is like "Hey! Lets have a 3-some!"?

Maybe I missed a post somewhere in there, but someone mentioned that you had an affair? I am so confused. I mean, technically you had an affair with the computer screen/magazine, but did you have an actual affair?

I think that you should tell her that you thought she was bluffing, tried to call her bluff, and now it is backfirieng, tell her that you dont want another man (OR another woman) in your marriage bed, and that she is enough for you. Go to a couples counseling, and maybe get yourself into a Prom Addicts Annonymus, so that she sees you are serious about turning your life around! Honesty is the best policy, so just come clean about your bluff-calling-faliure. Do not allow anyone else into your marriage bed!

 

[Egghead]

Are you sure she accepted your apology? Sounds to me like she's trying to teach you a lesson in the pains of lusting outside of the marriage.

My first thoughts exactly.

 

[4jacks]

No one is being hard on this guy. He has not been bashed or slammed or insulted or called names or anything like that.

Really ..... Oh, I did not realize that.... silly me...

Oh wait.... what's this ???

and he wants to take over as captain and bark orders to her

Oh wait and this....

Get off your high horse and abandon the moral superiority attitude.

*Fake Cheesy British Accent*
BUT WAIT FOLKS THERES MORE !!!!!

Well, guess what, buddy? YOU have allowed your marriage to get to this state. YOU stuffed up a LOT. YOU are the one who needs to be working to fix the mess YOU made, not prancing around on forums all amazed and prissy-mouthed at your wife's 'unchristian' behaviour

Gimme a break.....

 

[onlyimagine]

I guess I was wrong to come here and get christian advice. I know I screwed up in the past. But for once in my life I want to do the right thing. I also know it is going to take time. So I will get off my high horse and hit my knees, and continue to seeks Gods will.


PS Captain OnlyImagine signing off

 

[4jacks]

I don't know whether to start signing Elton John's "Can you feel the Love tonight"
Or to start signing Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust"

OI, Don't be a stinking wuss... Yes some people on the internet will give you a hard time, some will give you bad advice, and some are only here to get a laugh or get you riled up.

You have to let it slide, there is a lot of GOOD advice in these six pages of post. I think God is telling you to get off your knees to be Honest with your spouse, and to get your butt to marriage counselling.

 

[onlyimagine]

Thanks 4Jacks May God Bless

 

[Leanna]

All the sarcasm....

 

[4jacks]

All the sarcasm....

Don't lie... you know you liked the fake british accent =)