I Can't Obey

[ALoveDivine]

I have really struggled with the church's teachings on sexual issues, I really have. I get it and understand it all intellectually. One slight problem...

I have no sexual self-control. I have struggled with this for years, through tears and agony, repentance and prayer, everything. I just cannot stop. I have a girlfriend I am considering marriage with, and we are sexually active. Before I came back to the Catholic Church I always saw marriage as, among other things, the way out of my sexual immorality.

Then comes the teaching on contraception. Now it seems like no matter what, I will always be in sexual immorality until I'm too old to reproduce. I'm not having more than one or two kids, end of story. I'm not gonna abstain from relations with my wife half the month following a "nfp" system that might not work. I admit this is sin, but I also admit that I'm weak and can't rise above it.

So with all that in mind, what's left for me? I suppose I just pass on communion till I'm about 50 or 60?

 

[pdudgeon]

there are a lot of foundational parts that are missing here.
my guess is that many of these parts could be found in a good study on marriage itself.

sexual issues are not just concentrated on our own needs. that's only one third of the story.
the other two thirds are made up of your future wife's needs, and God's input into your relationship.

best to talk with a priest on this.

 

[MikeK]

I don't know what to tell you, but a lot of us have been there and it can be tortuous, I know. I have obeyed and disobeyed the Church's teachings on fornication and contraception, and in spite of temptation and frustration, I've generally found myself most content when obeying. What we are called to is not easy for anyone.

 

[benedictaoo]

This reminds me of the rich man in the Gospel who asked Jesus what he needed to do to inherit eternal life and Jesus said to sell all he owned and follow him. The man went away sad because he couldn't do it.

Look, I'm not your judge or jury and I get it, I really do but one thing stood out to me while reading, you said the option is to pass on communion... Like thats all sin costs us. You may be passing on more than that when you die.

 

[LivingWordUnity]

I struggle with lust, too. Sometimes I can go for weeks or months without committing a serious sin. However, there have been many times that I have to go to confession after I had just gone a week prior. God knows that the temptations nowadays are everywhere we look. For our part, God only asks that we admit that we sinned and then try our best to avoid doing it again. God does not have a limit to how many times He will be willing to forgive us when we fail. Each time we make a good confession, God gives us a clean slate. But this is not an endless race. The temptations of this world are temporary. If we persevere and make it to Heaven we will find that we no longer have any desire to sin because there will be nothing evil there in Heaven to tempt us. For your personal situation of living in sin, I've been there myself. If you know that you won't make a good husband or your girlfriend would not make a good wife you should end the relationship. If it's a relationship based solely on lust then sooner or later the relationship will come to an end whether the two of you plan it that way or not. However, if you and your girlfriend love each other and if both of you are free to marry then best wishes on your marriage.

 

[ALoveDivine]

you said the option is to pass on communion... Like thats all sin costs us. You may be passing on more than that when you die.

I'm well aware of that. The sad part is I'm almost resigned to the consequences. When you truly feel helpless to live up to the standard, you stop caring about running the race. It gets so bad that sometimes I feel like I hate God for being so strict and seemingly vindictive, given that he would send me to Hell for having sex with my girlfriend or using condoms with my wife. Makes me just want to jump ship entirely to be honest.

If I'm already doomed, may as well sin all the more until I die. Terrible thought I know, but that's the way I think sometimes.

Each time we make a good confession, God gives us a clean slate.

That's the problem! I can't make a good confession because I can't honestly say I desire to stop the sin. So I'm not really repentant. Hence confession is worthless for me. What sacraments are there for someone like me? Someone who knows they're a sinner, would like to be better, but loves the sin and can't seem to let it go? Seems like I'm just SOL as far as sacraments, grace, and everything else goes.

 

[MoonlessNight]

That's the problem! I can't make a good confession because I can't honestly say I desire to stop the sin. So I'm not really repentant. Hence confession is worthless for me. What sacraments are there for someone like me? Someone who knows they're a sinner, would like to be better, but loves the sin and can't seem to let it go? Seems like I'm just SOL as far as sacraments, grace, and everything else goes.

It seems to me that while perhaps you do not desire to stop sinning, you desire to desire to stop sinning.

It is much like the alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking but who wishes that he did want to stop drinking. Or perhaps like Augustine who said "grant me chastity and continence, but not yet."

So it would seem that your situation is not unique. If you can muster up the courage to do so, I would set up a time to talk this over with a priest. Alternatively you could go to confession and thoroughly and honestly explain your situation, admitting that you do not know if you are repentant in the way necessary for a good confession. You will receive advice in any case.

You should also be aware that changing your mind is entirely dependent on God's grace. Outside of the sacraments, you can always pray to God to have the grace necessary to change. Remember that grace, by its very nature, is unearned and given to those who are unworthy of it, so it is impossible to be beyond grace.

 

[LivingWordUnity]

That's the problem! I can't make a good confession because I can't honestly say I desire to stop the sin. So I'm not really repentant. Hence confession is worthless for me. What sacraments are there for someone like me? Someone who knows they're a sinner, would like to be better, but loves the sin and can't seem to let it go? Seems like I'm just SOL as far as sacraments, grace, and everything else goes.

You said that you and your girlfriend plan to marry. If the two of you love each other and are both free to marry then you should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you have serious doubts about being married to her? Or are you feeling that way because of the present circumstances of living in sin? Once you escape the bondage of living in sin it only takes a sincere desire to not sin again at the time of your confession for the confession to be valid.

 

[ALoveDivine]

If the two of you love each other and are both free to marry then you should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sure...except then there's the whole contraception thing. We both agree that we don't want kids for a long while, and if we ever have any its only gonna be one. We don't have much money or anything in the way of assets, so parenthood is kind of out of the question. So contraception will be used, and at least one of us will be in perpetual sin even after we get married. So I feel like i'm screwed if I do and I'm screwed if I don't.

Once you escape the bondage of living in sin

That's the problem, when I look forward into the potential future all I can see is myself living in continual sin until I'm too old to reproduce. Kids scare the heck out of both of us and we really don't want to deal with a pregnancy.

 

[LivingWordUnity]

Sure...except then there's the whole contraception thing. We both agree that we don't want kids for a long while, and if we ever have any its only gonna be one. We don't have much money or anything in the way of assets, so parenthood is kind of out of the question. So contraception will be used, and at least one of us will be in perpetual sin even after we get married. So I feel like i'm screwed if I do and I'm screwed if I don't.


That's the problem, when I look forward into the potential future all I can see is myself living in continual sin until I'm too old to reproduce. Kids scare the heck out of both of us and we really don't want to deal with a pregnancy.

I think you are getting too far ahead of yourself. You should take it one step at a time. The first step is to resolve the problem of living in sin. It sounds like marriage isn't something that the two of you really want. For a Catholic to have a valid marriage, both the husband and wife have to have the intention of being open to the procreating of children. So the best thing is for you to break the relationship. After that, try your best to avoid sin, and don't give in to scrupulosity.

 

[concretecamper]

I have really struggled with the church's teachings on sexual issues, I really have. I get it and understand it all intellectually. One slight problem...

I have no sexual self-control. I have struggled with this for years, through tears and agony, repentance and prayer, everything. I just cannot stop. I have a girlfriend I am considering marriage with, and we are sexually active. Before I came back to the Catholic Church I always saw marriage as, among other things, the way out of my sexual immorality.

Then comes the teaching on contraception. Now it seems like no matter what, I will always be in sexual immorality until I'm too old to reproduce. I'm not having more than one or two kids, end of story. I'm not gonna abstain from relations with my wife half the month following a "nfp" system that might not work. I admit this is sin, but I also admit that I'm weak and can't rise above it.

So with all that in mind, what's left for me? I suppose I just pass on communion till I'm about 50 or 60?

Sounds to me your short changing the power of the Holy Spirit....giving up before the fight. It may take a while and alot of trips to the confessional, but God's grace is sufficient.

 

[concretecamper]

I'm well aware of that. The sad part is I'm almost resigned to the consequences. When you truly feel helpless to live up to the standard, you stop caring about running the race. It gets so bad that sometimes I feel like I hate God for being so strict and seemingly vindictive, given that he would send me to Hell for having sex with my girlfriend or using condoms with my wife. Makes me just want to jump ship entirely to be honest.

If I'm already doomed, may as well sin all the more until I die. Terrible thought I know, but that's the way I think sometimes.


That's the problem! I can't make a good confession because I can't honestly say I desire to stop the sin. So I'm not really repentant. Hence confession is worthless for me. What sacraments are there for someone like me? Someone who knows they're a sinner, would like to be better, but loves the sin and can't seem to let it go? Seems like I'm just SOL as far as sacraments, grace, and everything else goes.

Seems to me your incredibly selfish
Pray to God to heal you from that affliction.

 

[hsilgne]

There was a time when I felt the same way about one of the sins I was addicted too... which was pornography. I was convinced there was no hope for me.
I continued to pray. Go to confession. Read the Word of God(aloud when at all possible).
It took several years. But thanks be to God, I no longer struggle with this sin to the same level I once did... I still have to work at it every day though... Praying for strength, Reading/speaking the Word... Turning my eyes away from images or a scantily dressed woman etc...
God says 'come boldly to my throne room and make your requests known to me'. Don't give up... that is what the devil is trying to convince you to do.
God is faithful.

 

[ALoveDivine]

It sounds like marriage isn't something that the two of you really want.

Now that's where you're wrong. It is something we want, and something we are seriously considering.

For a Catholic to have a valid marriage, both the husband and wife have to have the intention of being open to the procreating of children.

I never said we absolutely wanted no children. Just that the idea of kids kind of scares us at the moment. Not really all that surprising since I'm 25 and she's 22. But in the long scope of things we are open to having one child....perhaps even two if we feel so led later on. Where we are both in firm resolve is that we don't want a large family. Quite frankly we couldn't handle the stress, let alone afford it.

So the best thing is for you to break the relationship

That's a rather presumptuous statement, no? Again, we're not closed off to having children entirely...we just don't relish the thought at this point in our lives. We are still at the end of the day open to it....just not to having more than one or two. Does that invalidate a marriage? Further, I think me becoming single again would only push me MUCH deeper into sin. That "light at the end of the tunnel" would be completely gone.

God says 'come boldly to my throne room and make your requests known to me'. Don't give up... that is what the devil is trying to convince you to do.
God is faithful.

Thank you. I know I can't give up. Although I don't know how I'll be free of these things, and I don't have the strength in me, I will at least trust in the mercy of God.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I never said we absolutely wanted no children. Just that the idea of kids kind of scares us at the moment. Not really all that surprising since I'm 25 and she's 22. But in the long scope of things we are open to having one child....perhaps even two if we feel so led later on. Where we are both in firm resolve is that we don't want a large family. Quite frankly we couldn't handle the stress, let alone afford it.

That's a rather presumptuous statement, no? Again, we're not closed off to having children entirely...we just don't relish the thought at this point in our lives. We are still at the end of the day open to it....just not to having more than one or two. Does that invalidate a marriage? Further, I think me becoming single again would only push me MUCH deeper into sin. That "light at the end of the tunnel" would be completely gone.

Thank you. I know I can't give up. Although I don't know how I'll be free of these things, and I don't have the strength in me, I will at least trust in the mercy of God.

I can see that your conscience is well formed and active and you want to do the right thing. And yet there are some powerful things tugging you in other directions. The good news is that God is the author of sex and sexuality so you win rather than lose by living a non-sexual chaste life before you marry and again a chaste and sexual life after you are married. You will be happiest by striving to live this life of chastity. Not easy I grant you. But I do think it is worth attempting. It's not like you have to cut yourself off from each other, but to discover more of each other. Even if those very natural urges take over, you can get on track again to living a chaste and happy life with her.

Before I was married I thought I would want one child, or maybe two at max. Well, I got two. And it's too late to have any more. But now I wish I had had four or five or six. I've seen big families and they have something appealing. I too thought I would never be able to afford more than one or two children. Now I look back and think that a few more would not have been so hard. But it's too late now. If I had it to do over again I would have been less scared and been more open to the gifts God had ready for me.

Non-contraceptive sex is sex as it was intended to be, a whole man and a whole woman, potency and fertility, not putting up any barriers or saying that only some parts of the beloved are not good enough to embrace directly. You do not have to intend reproduction every time you have sex. You can even choose to have sex in that fairly large portion of the month when she is not fertile. It's sex that embraces the whole of the other person.

You have an opportunity. An opportunity to have a sexual relationship as God intended. You know it. But you've got the cart before the horse a bit. Good news is that our God is all about second chances, and third chances and on and on. None of us have lived perfect lives. All of us have said that to obey is just too hard. We have all compromised, settled, lived in sin of one type or another, felt like happiness would elude us unless we were able to sin. But God intends good for us. In the long haul. But also in shorter time frames. Try chastity and even in struggle there might be rewards. Expect them. And don't beat yourself up at every failure. The author of human sexuality might want something very good for you. It's worth the risk.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I have no sexual self-control. I have struggled with this for years, through tears and agony, repentance and prayer, everything. I just cannot stop. I have a girlfriend I am considering marriage with, and we are sexually active. Before I came back to the Catholic Church I always saw marriage as, among other things, the way out of my sexual immorality.

Then comes the teaching on contraception. Now it seems like no matter what, I will always be in sexual immorality until I'm too old to reproduce. I'm not having more than one or two kids, end of story. I'm not gonna abstain from relations with my wife half the month following a "nfp" system that might not work. I admit this is sin, but I also admit that I'm weak and can't rise above it.

Welcome to being a guy. Believe me, I sympathize.

Seriously though, I will try my best to not be crude. And hopefully this won't sound mean because it's not meant to be. But God created, shall we say, the marital bond and He wants you to use it in marriage. But there's formation that needs to go along with it. It's meant to be a gift which can result in children. It's not just about your gratification. Your wife (which is who she needs to be, from the sounds of things) isn't a sex object. She's your wife. Indulging in that gift means giving her something she can only get from you and you receiving something you can only get from her. But above all the act is ordered toward procreation. It's as simple as that.

If you're not prepared to have bazillions of children, hate to say it but this calls for sacrifice on your part. Abstaining during the fertile time is an act of sacrifice. It's wholly different from artificially sterilizing yourself. I understand it can be frustrating but bear in mind that this whole notion of physical intimacy being an exclusively pleasurable experience without any "side effects" is a bit of a recent idea. Yes, nothing brings couples closer together than this act but the Church rightly recognizes that's not primarily or exclusively the reason it exists.

And this goes the other way too. If you're totally open to having bazillions of babies, well, there are sacrifices that go with raising a family no matter how large or small it is.

Either way sacrifice is necessarily part of the equation. We don't get to have whatever we want whenever we want however we want.

 

[benedictaoo]

I'm well aware of that. The sad part is I'm almost resigned to the consequences. When you truly feel helpless to live up to the standard, you stop caring about running the race. It gets so bad that sometimes I feel like I hate God for being so strict and seemingly vindictive, given that he would send me to Hell for having sex with my girlfriend or using condoms with my wife. Makes me just want to jump ship entirely to be honest.

If I'm already doomed, may as well sin all the more until I die. Terrible thought I know, but that's the way I think sometimes.


That's the problem! I can't make a good confession because I can't honestly say I desire to stop the sin. So I'm not really repentant. Hence confession is worthless for me. What sacraments are there for someone like me? Someone who knows they're a sinner, would like to be better, but loves the sin and can't seem to let it go? Seems like I'm just SOL as far as sacraments, grace, and everything else goes.

I don't know what to tell you dude. We can't make exceptions for fornication. It's sin and there aren't any loopholes with that one, no grey area. Seems to me you have full knowledge. It is what it is. I get once married the contraception issue becomes tricky but that's not really your issue, the issue is lust and you being powerless over it. I'll pray for you. It's good you're willing to talk about it.

 

[Meowzltov]

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous http://www.slaafws.org/