I can't get him to understand

[flying_kiwifruit]

Ok so I have a partner, sometimes we play fight and thats all good, but sometimes he is trying to play fight, and I don't want to because its to scary because of my past. But I can't get him to stop no matter how many times I ask him to let me go, most times I end up biting him hard so he will let go of me, but tonight I bit him because he wouldn't let me go, and he slapped me around the head, then turned to me and said "your lucky I didn't punch you". How can I get him to understand when I am not in the mood, and I don't want to play fight, because if I bite him he gets really annoyed with me, but most of the time I have to escape so I have no choice but to bite, so I can get away.

Help

Nat

 

[Bellicus]

If play fighting is something that you feel is a problem sometimes it would maybe be better to say that you don't feel like doing that at all.

And you should absolutely not tolerate that he turns to violence or threaten to do so.

 

[Ariel]

I agree, violent behavior is unacceptable.

I would suggest sitting down with him and telling him that because of abuse in your past, it is terrifying for you when he doesn't let you go. Ask him to never do that again.

You may have to decide that all play fighting is not acceptable, because you both can get carried away, with these repercussions.

When my husband and I were dating, we also play fought. That's when I discovered that it is unbearable for me to be held down, I will do anything to get out of it, even using superhuman strength to break a hold. My then boyfriend and I discussed it, and we agreed we wouldn't play fight anymore. He honored me.

Today btw he is a great husband, a man of integrity, someone I can trust.

 

[Criada]

Have you tried to talk to him about it at a time when you are both calm?
It's probably hard for him to understand when you are fighting and suddenly want to stop, but if you explain when you are both calm, it might be easier.
Another thing that can work is to have a 'safe word', which you both agree beforehand, and if one of you says it, the other stops immediately, like a code.

Praying for both of you, sweetie.

 

[ke1985]

I find that kind of violence scary and unacceptable. For him to tell you that is a warning sign. I would advise you to get out of this relationship ASAP!!!

 

[icarusforde]

well, speaking from a guys perspective, sometimes guys can get a lil outa control.

Now, im not defending him for the slap around the head - i probably would have slapped him back - but do talk to him about it. Make sure it is a time when both of you are calm, as others have said, but dont let it slide.

On the other hand - if you really dont feel comfortable with it and he wont stop, then i echo what ke1985 said, and leave the relationship ASAP. Nobody has the right to make you feel insecure in a relationship.

 

[UnitynLove]

Ok so I have a partner, sometimes we play fight and thats all good, but sometimes he is trying to play fight, and I don't want to because its to scary because of my past. But I can't get him to stop no matter how many times I ask him to let me go, most times I end up biting him hard so he will let go of me, but tonight I bit him because he wouldn't let me go, and he slapped me around the head, then turned to me and said "your lucky I didn't punch you". How can I get him to understand when I am not in the mood, and I don't want to play fight, because if I bite him he gets really annoyed with me, but most of the time I have to escape so I have no choice but to bite, so I can get away.

Help

Nat

Tell him the truth on how uncomfortable you feel when he does these things to you. I'm sure he will understand.

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

I want to talk to him but I can't seem to, I am to scared to talk to him incase I loose him, but then again I am starting to worry, he has a habbit of slapping me for the littlist things, and most of the time it hurts. I can't believe he would be hurting me on purpose thats just not him but it can't be a accident everytime.

 

[Ariel]

Nat, abusive men may seem to be very reasonable, well adjusted, etc.--but they have this "small" habit of abusing the people around them. Of course they are never to blame, according to them it's all the victim's fault.

If you can't talk to him, then I urge you to run from him. You don't need to get into a relationship with someone who will not treat you like the precious daughter of God you are.

You deserve better.

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

I can't run from him, he lives with me. My parents let him move in because his home life wasn't good. And I never said he was abusive

 

[ke1985]

I can't run from him, he lives with me. My parents let him move in because his home life wasn't good. And I never said he was abusive

In the previous post, you said he was slapping you. I would call that abusive.

It is never OK for a man to hit you. You need to get out of this relationship !!!

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Yeah but it never leaves bruises, and I always deserve it, I would of made a smart remark or done something that annoyed him first, so just should keep my mouth shut then he will stop won't he. Soz I have had a little to drink if this doesn't make sense

 

[UnitynLove]

I want to talk to him but I can't seem to, I am to scared to talk to him incase I loose him, but then again I am starting to worry, he has a habbit of slapping me for the littlist things, and most of the time it hurts. I can't believe he would be hurting me on purpose thats just not him but it can't be a accident everytime.

If he loves you he won't leave, trust me.

 

[Everlasting33]

Yeah but it never leaves bruises, and I always deserve it, I would of made a smart remark or done something that annoyed him first, so just should keep my mouth shut then he will stop won't he. Soz I have had a little to drink if this doesn't make sense

Remember what love is:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7



Here are warning signs of an abusive relationship (and only you can assess these since you know him better than anyone on the board)

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm


I know you are in a difficult situation and I know there is a lot of hesitation to leave him. But just read over the material and only you can make the best decision possible.

Know what it feels like to be truly loved, cherished, cared for, protected. To be loved, we must also love ourselves.

 

[ke1985]

Abuse is still abuse even if there are no bruises, my friend.

Get out of this relationship. It isn't love, love doesn't hurt.

Praying for you.

 

[Tenebrae]

Yeah but it never leaves bruises, and I always deserve it, I would of made a smart remark or done something that annoyed him first, so just should keep my mouth shut then he will stop won't he. Soz I have had a little to drink if this doesn't make sense

Nat dear one. I'm going to be very blunt here. No one deserves to be slapped, never ever ever ever EVER.

You would have heard of the Tony Veitch saga, now I dont care if his former partner was a demented cow who stalked him 24/7 and made his life a misery, he broke her back in two places. He could have taken out a restraining order, had her arrested for stalking him, there was so many things he could have done than what he did.

I will let you in on a secret, with guys who slap or hit, even if you never make another provactive remark again, next time it will be because you didnt cook the tea to his liking, or because you didnt hang the bath towels up straight. Guys who hit or slap women, dont need an excuse to do it, because they will always find a justification for their behavior.


I had an experience with my dad last year, I went down to visit a mutual friend of ours, and he happened to be there for the weekend. He had never been verbally abusive to me before, however he was an absolute stinker that particular time. And you know what Hun, I got in my car and left, because regardless of how shonky and horrible my past was, I do not deserve to be abused by any guy, and certainly not by the guy who contributed half the genetic material when I was born.


You are worth so much more dear one. It does not matter how bad and horrible your past was you do not deserve this.


I will ask you a question though, if hes slapping you know when you are living in your parents place whats it going to be like when you move into your own place with him?


I'm here if you need to talk or text

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

Update again.

I ahve left him, I hated doing. But he is no longer my BF, but he is still living here. I told him how much I hated how him treated me, the next day he slapped me again even after I had told him not to. So I am done with him, but it is really hard.

 

[Tenebrae]

Update again.

I ahve left him, I hated doing. But he is no longer my BF, but he is still living here. I told him how much I hated how him treated me, the next day he slapped me again even after I had told him not to. So I am done with him, but it is really hard.

Be strong Nat

If he was ok with slapping you in your parents home, imagine how bad it could have got elsewhere

It was not your fault

 

[I'ddie4him2]

No man should ever hit a woman, PERIOD !!!!
If he does this so easily, Then it can escalate quickly.
This is happening in your parents house, They need to know what's going on.

If you can, Get the Police to remove him and get a TRO against him.
This behaviour on his part is unacceptable.

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

How much would I like to say this is over, but its not. He is still living with, although I have broken up with him, he is stil trying to kiss and feel me, he is always moody and whenever he is in a bad mood I feel like its my fault, and I don't have the self confidence or esteem to tell him to stop. I just hate this and want to get out