I can't do this....

[ConcreteAngel]

I am just feeling so completely overwhelmed by all this abuse stuff...i can't cope with the hurt anymore. it just keeps getting worse and worse and i just want to die. I hate myself so much and I really just don't know what to do with myself and i feel like i wont get through this. I never thought anyone could hurt this much...I feel like anyone else would cope soooo much better than me...i just feel so hopeless....i don't really know what i'm asking or why i'm posting...i know nothing and feel so desperate. please pray or something i don't know.

 

[_CJ_]

I feel so sorry that you're hurting..try not to pay attention to those dead feelings that make you sad and hurt. This is just the way it's gotta be. Just remember, it is gonna end ultimately and it is gonna be alright. I can offer something about

'To every thing there is a season, and the time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and time to pluck up that which is planted;a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break up and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn and time to dance'

The time has come to weep. Jesus told us, 'Blessed all those who cry, for they will be laughing'.

I don't think there's a lot of people that would cope with it a whole lot better than you.

Hold on, sis. The day's coming.

 

[Surviving]

Hey there,

CJ has given you some great Bible verses here.

I have posted quite a few times to you as I really feel for you. I know what you are going through. Ok, that might be wrong of me to say, but I can understand what you are going through as I have been there myself. I have been to the point where I want to die...I have felt that I couldn't go on anymore...I wanted to hurt myself so much (and I did)...and I hated the life I was in (I could go on, but I won't). I probably felt like this for a number of years, just getting by each day. Sometimes I would enjoy myself, but I hated what I became and what happened to me.

Now, it is a different story. I believe that I went through all this for a reason...my abuse...my bullying...my self harm...etc. God wanted me to experience these things so that I could help other people. I am still getting over things...I am far from right, but I am better than I was. What I am trying to say is that you will get there. You might not see the light yet, but there is one there somewhere.

Take care of yourself.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

Thanks heaps to you both. I do take comfort in knowing that you guys understand and the only way i am staying alive is knowing that there are people who've experienced similar pain and have survived it and used it to help others. But sometimes it just gets so overwhelming...but i know God is with me...like this morning at about 2:30am i woke up cos I was having nightmares and felt like i wanted to hurt myself but i checked my email cos i'd sent an email before i went to bed to my minister (who's helping me deal with my abuse) to see if she'd replied and she had sent me this ppt about the burdens we feel....it's really great and i'd love to share it...how do i attach it...or can i attach it?

Anyway, thank you both so very much. I just get so scared sometimes and feel like I can't possibly go on but knowing that there's others out there is really comforting

 

[BelindaP]

I've been there, too. I almost took my life over it, but God helped me through it. He will help you, too, but I know that's hard to believe right now.

To others I was a happy-go-lucky, laid-back person. If only they knew the hell that I lived with every day. Some days I had to say the 23rd Psalm several times a day, especially the part that says "though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil..."

Try to take heart in the fact that nothing worse can happen to you than has already happened. They can't take anything else away from you. Just like He did for Job, God will reward you with far more than you have lost. It just takes time.

The fact that you are here on this forum indicates that you are dealing with this better than many who never make it this far. So many have already given in to the despair that you are feeling, but you are fighting. It hurts really bad right now, but you will make it--with God's help. Just hang in there a little bit longer.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

To others I was a happy-go-lucky, laid-back person. If only they knew the hell that I lived with every day. Some days I had to say the 23rd Psalm several times a day, especially the part that says "though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil..."

Thank you....that's how people see me too...like at church i always feel so fake because i lead singing and i was to be all like "let's stand as we sing and continue to praise our mighty Lord" when in reality i feel like saying "why don't you all just buzz off and go home"...I feel like such a hypocrite...i hate the reality vs fake thing...I so desperately want to genuinely be the person that people see me as, but i just don't feel it...it's such an act. I just feel sick to my stomach ....but all your support is greatly valued and helps me to keep hoping.

With Love
CA

 

[BelindaP]

I don't see it as me being fake. Rather, I see it as me being the person I would be without all the emotional baggage. I am further along with my healing than you are, and I have found that it is getting less fake and more real as I heal.

P.S. You might want to change part of your post to buzz off, which I believe is the PC way of expressing it.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

I don't see it as me being fake. Rather, I see it as me being the person I would be without all the emotional baggage. I am further along with my healing than you are, and I have found that it is getting less fake and more real as I heal.

P.S. You might want to change part of your post to buzz off, which I believe is the PC way of expressing it.

oops...didn't even realise i'd written that...changed now! Sorry! Just shows how much my brain is not engaged (or the type of mood i'm in)!

A lot of people have told me that the "fake" becomes more real as you deal with your stuff....and well, when lots of people tell you the same thing they must be onto something!...so i better start believing you all!

 

[Amin]

Thank you....that's how people see me too...like at church i always feel so fake because i lead singing and i was to be all like "let's stand as we sing and continue to praise our mighty Lord" when in reality i feel like saying "why don't you all just buzz off and go home"...I feel like such a hypocrite...i hate the reality vs fake thing...I so desperately want to genuinely be the person that people see me as, but i just don't feel it...it's such an act. I just feel sick to my stomach ....but all your support is greatly valued and helps me to keep hoping.

With Love
CA

Hi Angel,
I used to be the music leader in my church.
I can remember a lot of times i felt like that.
Even tho you think it you're still serving God.
I think that's the important thing.
I don't think you're being a hypocrite.
Chuck.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

Hi Angel,
I used to be the music leader in my church.
I can remember a lot of times i felt like that.
Even tho you think it you're still serving God.
I think that's the important thing.
I don't think you're being a hypocrite.
Chuck.

Thanks Amin ...I just hate being fake soooo much...like when you're singing and trying to smile and look happy even though you're dying inside is sooo hard and it makes it worse that i can't tell anyone how bad i feel and why i feel that way. Thanks you your words...they mean a lot!

 

[cinnabunch]

Actually , I don't think its being fake...its being real. No one knows the things ppl are hiding. If you are leading worship and feeling that way..think of the other ones out there feeling the same way..feeling as though they have to put up a facade as well.

Just remember, you are never alone in what you are feeling...

cindy

 

[ConcreteAngel]

Actually , I don't think its being fake...its being real. No one knows the things ppl are hiding. If you are leading worship and feeling that way..think of the other ones out there feeling the same way..feeling as though they have to put up a facade as well.

Just remember, you are never alone in what you are feeling...

cindy

Thank you! I just prefer to pretend i'm horrible...but thanks for reminding me i'm not alone.

 

[Amin]

Thanks Amin ...I just hate being fake soooo much...like when you're singing and trying to smile and look happy even though you're dying inside is sooo hard and it makes it worse that i can't tell anyone how bad i feel and why i feel that way. Thanks you your words...they mean a lot!

After the service i used to just leave the front, not talk to anyone and go home.
I just didn't feel like talking.
Chuck.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

After the service i used to just leave the front, not talk to anyone and go home.
I just didn't feel like talking.
Chuck.

hmmm...sounds familiar...I often head straight for the door and hope i don't hijacked by my friends/ministers/family members (extended family that is)...I just do what i have to do and get out of there cos for the 6pm service, i've generally been there since 4pm, so by 7:30-8pm I'm well and truly tired of pretending!

Thanks....all this is comforting....any suggestions etc that you or anyone have for coping would be really appreciated!

With Love
CA

 

[Surviving]

You are certainly not a fake, and neither is anyone else. I know that it might feel like it, especially with what we are having to deal with. We have experienced something so horrible that we wouldn't want to wish it on anyone else, so why should we smile about life? I know exactly how this feels at the moment.

I have been quite up and down these past couple of months and a few people have noticed that I am not smiling like I used to. I don't see the point. A couple of people know what I am going through and they are really helping me get along. They keep telling me, just as I keep telling you, that there will be a silver lining just around the corner. My councelor told me that last week as well.

Life is worth living. If it wasn't, God would not have given His only Son to die for us. Fancy that! Someone loves us so much that they would actually give their own life for us. That's quite something to get your head around!

 

[ConcreteAngel]

Hi All

This is a question that maybe should go in a separate thread but i was wondering what your opinions are about a Christian seeing a secular psychologist for help with dealing with abuse...it's just that after my last session i just felt like she was completely disregarding a whole part of who I am...ie a child of God...I try to explain to her that my faith is not an optional extra...it is who i am...but i sort of feel like she dismisses that as not important....Don't get me wrong...I have nothing against secular psychologists...in fact I'll be one at the end of next year, but i kind of feel like there's stuff that's not being addressed. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I do speak often with a female minister at my church who has herself worked through abuse stuff and has also helped others...so i don't know whether maybe that balances it out....ohhh i just feel so confused! Anyone's thoughts would be greatly valued!

 

[BelindaP]

Seeing a secular psychologist is fine, if it's working for you. It sounds like the one you have isn't appreciating all of who you are, though. A good one will try to work within your framwork without dismissing an important part of you.

Unfortunately, some see religion as a crutch and don't assign the importance to it that they should. Some even think religion interferes with healing. As difficult as it is, you may want to consider switching psychologists.

 

[oneandlonely]

I am just feeling so completely overwhelmed by all this abuse stuff...i can't cope with the hurt anymore. it just keeps getting worse and worse and i just want to die. I hate myself so much and I really just don't know what to do with myself and i feel like i wont get through this. I never thought anyone could hurt this much...I feel like anyone else would cope soooo much better than me...i just feel so hopeless....i don't really know what i'm asking or why i'm posting...i know nothing and feel so desperate. please pray or something i don't know.

s I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I've been there.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

 

[FallingWaters]

Hi All

This is a question that maybe should go in a separate thread but i was wondering what your opinions are about a Christian seeing a secular psychologist for help with dealing with abuse...it's just that after my last session i just felt like she was completely disregarding a whole part of who I am...ie a child of God...I try to explain to her that my faith is not an optional extra...it is who i am...but i sort of feel like she dismisses that as not important....Don't get me wrong...I have nothing against secular psychologists...in fact I'll be one at the end of next year, but i kind of feel like there's stuff that's not being addressed. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I do speak often with a female minister at my church who has herself worked through abuse stuff and has also helped others...so i don't know whether maybe that balances it out....ohhh i just feel so confused! Anyone's thoughts would be greatly valued!

Hi ConcreteAngel. I read the whole thread. Sorry I've come in late. Let me just say, I am equally familiar with wishing I was dead, though thankfully, Jesus healed me on September 11th, and I have wanted to live ever since. However for most of the 35 years before that, I wanted to die.

I had to see a secular counselor because there is no Christian counselor in a 30 mile radius of here. Since I was suicidal at the time, I figured just getting help was the most important thing. She respected my Christianity though, so I really appreciated that about her. She was giving me some help so I kept seeing her. She was encouraging and validating. I stopped going for financial reasons, but I would go to her again.

When I need wise Biblical counsel, there is a woman at church I can speak to.

If I had access to a Christian counselor, I would prefer that, but I don't, so I make do with what is available.

Just in terms of the OP:
The more I have grieved what was stolen from me, the more I have been able to forgive.
The more I have forgiven, the less pain I am in.

 

[ConcreteAngel]

BIG thank you and 's to you all!

My psychologist accepts that being a Christian is important but I sort of feel like she doesn't know how to help me taking that into account...which i understand...you can't expect someone to counsel you from a Christian perspective if they don't really know what that is...I think I just get scared...like i'm always worried about doing the "wrong thing"...like, my psych is VERY good at what she does but sometimes i just feel like a whole part of me is being left behind. I guess I should just keep talking to my minister at church alongside working with my psych and hopefully everything will be OK...I just feel so completely, totally and utterly confused, unsure, scared etc etc!!

Thanks again to everyone!