Dear Virginiacowgirl09,
My analysis and advice is as follows:
I. Analysis
I gather from your post that you are under the age of 18. Otherwise, if you were an adult, you would be living on your own away from your parents; and doubtfully, given the facts you have present, you would be in college, thus you would have no need for a tutor. (The "09" in your handle makes me think that you are a freshman in high school who will graduate in 2009; however this is simply speculation.)
If indeed, you are under 18, then the facts you have presented all the more demonstrate the urgent nature of your situation. For if you have, in fact, had 19 different boyfriends, then you have been desperately seeking love since a very early age.
Although I am not a psychologist, common sense and experience demonstrates that when a young girl (such as yourself) lacks positive reassurance from your earthly father, such a girl will look for it elsewhere. The fact that you have looked for 19 (as opposed to, say, three) boyfriends in such a short time indicates that you are extemely desperate for the love that your father has not provided.
Now, in fairness to your father, he may be trying to love you the best way he can. You say that he is "partially abusive;" this implies that he is also "partially not-abusive." To the degree, therefore, that he does not abuse you (and that degree may be minimal), he may actually love you; however, he may not know how to show you in a proper way. Regardless, either (a) he loves you and he does not know how to show you in a way by which you will understand, or (b) he doesn't love you. Although it is probably (a), either way this lack of communication creates a gap in your life.
This gap in your life was like a small snowball; the subsequent rejection that you have experienced from your "boyfriends" is like a much larger snowball.
Its a vicious cycle. Dad rejects you, so you go to Bobby (carrying the pain of rejection from Dad); because you so desperately want Bobby to love you, you try to please him in every way you can--but then he rejects you. So you go to Danny (this time with rejection from both Dad and Bobby) and you try even harder to please him--but he rejects you too. And so the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
Finally, you give up... you think that no one will ever love you, so you decide attempt suicide. Fortunately it fails.... but the shame that comes from a failed suicide attempt is a heavy burden. So now you are in even more pain.
Nevertheless, you are an intelligent girl. You are a Republican. (Note: I am not implying that Democrats are not intelligent; I am simply noting that for a girl your age to have formed any political opinion giving the nature of your situation is remarkable.) Oh no, you may not have good grades; given what you are going through, its amazing you have any grades! However, you are smart--you are smart enough (a) to ask for help, and (b) to come here for help.
Now that we have identified your problem, may we find the solution?
II. Solution
We shall examine the Biblical passage concerning the "First Tempation of Christ"
1. Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.
2. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.
3. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."
4. Jesus answered, "It is written: Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. "
5. Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.
6. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. "
7. Jesus answered him, "It is also written: Do not put the Lord your God to the test. "
8. Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.
9. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
10. Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only. "
Notice the order of temptations in this passage:
1. First he is tempted to turn a stone to bread.
2. Then he is tempted to jump off the temple.
3. Then he is tempted to worship the devil.
In your situation, the only two temptations that are relevant are numbers 1 and 2.
For "forty days and forty nights" (which is a Jewish expression for a really, really long time), Jesus was alone in the wilderness. He had not eaten anything, and for this entire time, he was isolated from friends and family. Although a crowd of people had heard God speak from the sky and proclaim that Jesus was God's son (See Matthew 3), none of those people were there to remind Jesus of this fact. Therefore, not only was he lacking food, he was lacking reassurance--he was lacking the love of his peers.
Satan tempts him to turn a stone to bread, saying, "If you are the Son of God..." In addition to meeting his physical need for food, by turning the stone to bread, Jesus might get some reassurance from Satan concerning who he was. Both the need for food and reasurance made this a tempting offer.
Now, you will notice that nowhere in the Bible is there a prohibition against turning stones to bread. So even if Jesus had done this, He would not have sinned. So why did He instead respond with "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God"?
Because He knew that if He gave Satan an inch, he would take a mile. At the end of the day, Jesus knew that the only validation that was worth anything was the validation that comes from God, not man (or in this case, Satan).
OK then, Satan bumped up the temptation a notch. He took him to the top of the temple--the holiest site in the whole country--and tempted him to jump, reminding him that the angels would catch him. If he did that, the scores of people down below would see this sight, drop to their knees, worship him, crown Him King, and he would never have to suffer again because they would never, ever crucify him after seeing such proof that he was the Son of God.
Now if Jesus had turned the stone to bread, he might have entertained the offer. If he couldn't handle the pain of isolation, how could he ever handle the pain of large-scale humiliation and rejection (i.e crucifixion)? However, by saying no to the bread of a stone, and instead saying yes to the Bread that came from God (i.e the word of God), Jesus had the strength of character to say no to Satan's offer.
Back to you.... In your case, for "forty days and forty nights" you have been without the love of a father. You have done everything in your power to turn a stone to bread (19 different boyfriends). To the extent that is has worked---to the extent that you have found some sense of affirmation--it has been short lived (because they turned out to be jerks). So now, you find yourself wanting a larger scale affirmation. So you have attempted suicide on multiple occasions--not so much because you really want to die, but because you wanted to get Mom and Dad's attention. You have never wanted to die; instead, you have been desperately wanting to live.
I believe that God has an important task for you to perform in your life. A big task. How do I know this? Because he has entrusted you with great suffering. There is something inside you that God wants to bring out--something unique about your character that must be brought forth in order to make a difference in this world. Will it hurt? Like you have never felt before. Will it get worse? In the short term, yes... But in the long term you will have something much more valuable. You will have the strength of character to lead.
Earlier this week, I had the chance to meet John Ashcroft, the former attorney general under President Bush. He spoke to my class at law school, and told us that a life without consequences is a life without meaning.
I think what he says is appropriate to you. Right now you think that your life is of no consequence. Therefore, you have no sense of meaning, of purpose.
However, when you find that meaning and purpose in the plan that God has for you, then you will understand the consequences of your actions (both good and bad) and you will have the strength of character to act accordingly.
Just look at the life of Abraham Lincoln. He lost his mother at a young age. Grew up dirt poor. Fell in love with a girl, who later died. Married a crazy woman who beat him senseless. (Yes, Lincoln was a battered husband.) Lost all but one of his children to disease. Failed at business. Yet he became President, and he led our nation through its most difficult hour.
In short, you need to embrace the isolation you now feel. Because it is in this period of isolation that God will speak things into your heart that will direct your steps for the rest of your life.
III. Prayer
Dear Lord, please reveal your love to this precious girl. Guard her heart and mind in your love, and protect her from the attacks of Satan. Give her insight into the plan and purpose for her life. And never let her go. Forgive her sins, and wash her in your blood. Teach her how to forgive, to let go of the past, and to grab hold of the future you have in store.
In Jesus name
