- May 5, 2014
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I just felt a bit of a push to make this thread this morning. I have had a few private conversations of this nature as well, but I wanted to do this publicly also. I just wanted to say that I am sorry to all of you that I have been rude, unkind, or combative with over the last long while. There are a good bunch of you that I have attacked or been rude or just downright mean to over the past year or more, and none of you deserve that. And for those of you that I didn't attack directly, others had to put up with drama or strife that I caused when you just come here to talk about your life or share some fellowship with people here. I'm sorry that I ruined that for you in those moments. This isn't an excuse, but over the past almost two years I have had some serious emotional struggles with mostly depression and occasionally anxiety. I was in an unhealthy relationship for a time that significantly shredded me up emotionally, and I have been in process of just trying to get back to a state of normalcy for some time now. In that process, I was wounded more deeply than I have ever been or maybe ever will be. Some of that is my fault for putting myself in that position. But out of that pain came a lot of emotion and anger that was not easy to deal with, and it seemed like no matter what I did I just could not work it out of my system. Recently I realized that in my pain I became an incredibly defensive person. I was in a mindset of not allowing anyone to hurt me, I was pretty sensitive and easily triggered, and I would try to control my circumstances but lashing out at anything that bothered me. Part of this was also out of self-loathing and feeling like it was easier if I made people hate me and had control of that also rather than having them hate me for a reason out of my control.
It has only been recently that I realized that while I had prayed for God to help me, I had not really given everything up to Him. I was still just trying hard to make changes on my own, and then I would get down on myself when I failed. I would actually say that I often meditated on all the ways I had failed in the past day, week, etc. and how much of a failure I was. In a sense, it took me just embracing and admitting that failure, giving up trying to put myself back together, and let God take over working on my heart instead. It has made such a significant difference in the state of my heart that it's almost hard to believe. I'm not sure if I'm entirely out of the woods in my struggles with depression, anger, emotions, etc., but it feels like the worst is in the past. Again, none of this is an excuse. I chose to be harsh and mean and let my emotions get the best of me, and I was wrong every time.
With all of that said, I just wanted to address a few of you directly:
@MehGuy - I have been pretty belligerently and unapologetically mean to you at times in the past, and I am sorry for that. I can relate to a lot of the frustrations that you talk about, so we actually aren't that much different on that front.
@Toro and @Swan7 - I have way too often been impatient and very harsh with you two, and neither of you deserved that. I'm sorry for unnecessarily attacking you. I appreciate the heart that you each have for the Lord and the fact that you are seeking to grow in your relationship with Him. I hope that only continues to happen both in your individual relationships with the Lord and with each other.
@appletreeblossom - I know you aren't a regular here, but I know I acted so poorly and inconsiderately, and I said very hurtful things to you as well, and I just hope you see this and know that I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of it.
@Senkaku - I took some very stupid, very immature shots at you that were entirely uncalled for. I know that you are tough and you are able to let things like that roll off of you, but I haven't forgotten about it and I feel like I owe you a major apology. I am truly sorry for insulting your character and being an enemy rather than a brother in Christ. I know you are a good guy (and a fellow worship leader), and I wish I could go back and respond differently. You didn't deserve any of the things that I said, and truthfully those things were more true of me in the moment than they were of you.
@ImAllLikeOkWaitWat - I have said some pretty mean things to you at times, calling you a creep and things like that, and I am sorry that you joined a Christian forum and then had to hear that type of thing from anyone at all, but especially from me. There is always a place here for you, and I hope you find more encouragement here than anything else.
@Saucy - I know we've patched up to some degree, but I still have in my memory a gigantic blowup that we had here several months ago, and I know it wrecked the WOYM thread for a little while. I'm sorry to everyone who was affected by that, but I am especially sorry to you, Saucy, for attacking your character and blowing things way out of proportion.
There may be others of you that felt attacked by me at different points in time, and if that is something that you still harbor, I am really sorry. You can message me about it and I would really like to apologize to you directly as well.
The truth is that I trainwrecked a lot of friendships during this phase of my life. It was such a nightmare, and I still have some lingering feelings of being ashamed of how poorly I handled all of it. There are a lot of people who have handled worse cirumstances so much better. There are a few people who stayed pretty steadfast friends even as they had to put up with my crap at times. @RayofSun, @YankeeGirl, @High Fidelity, @leothelioness, @SweetCarolina, @Squeakers, @Miss Spaulding--some of you had to deal with my crap directly, and others just saw it here on the forum. Just know that I am unbelievably thankful for you. You were God's grace at work in my life when I was most belligerent and unlovable. And I specifically remember people like Saucy, @kittysbecute, @Wayholka, and @PeachieKeen offering words of encouragement during times when I was posting about my struggles. You reaching out with encouragement still does mean a lot to me.
I know a lot of us struggle with loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty about the future, mental illness, or some combination of those, but I just hope you all know that there is something to appreciate about each one of you and that you have intrinsic worth as creations of God. This goes for everyone I've mentioned and the other regulars here--@CodyFaith, @Noxot, @sunshineforJesus, @Miles, @redblue22, @timewerx, @ThisIsMe123, @SarahsKnight, @Bortsss, @.Mikha'el., @Multifavs, @Anthony7, @TheGirlOnFire, @Travelers.Soul, @Citanul, @EyesOfKohl, @MarkSB, @Applekrate, @blackribbon, @zxcv, @pinkjess, @mojoboy31, @Servant68--you all have gifts and talents, most of which we never get to see here. I am glad that you are all here and wish I had the chance to meet every one of you. Just know that you are all cherished by your Creator and that you all have something of value to bring to the table. That is not just fluff but something I sincerely believe.
With love,
-Paulie079
It has only been recently that I realized that while I had prayed for God to help me, I had not really given everything up to Him. I was still just trying hard to make changes on my own, and then I would get down on myself when I failed. I would actually say that I often meditated on all the ways I had failed in the past day, week, etc. and how much of a failure I was. In a sense, it took me just embracing and admitting that failure, giving up trying to put myself back together, and let God take over working on my heart instead. It has made such a significant difference in the state of my heart that it's almost hard to believe. I'm not sure if I'm entirely out of the woods in my struggles with depression, anger, emotions, etc., but it feels like the worst is in the past. Again, none of this is an excuse. I chose to be harsh and mean and let my emotions get the best of me, and I was wrong every time.
With all of that said, I just wanted to address a few of you directly:
@MehGuy - I have been pretty belligerently and unapologetically mean to you at times in the past, and I am sorry for that. I can relate to a lot of the frustrations that you talk about, so we actually aren't that much different on that front.
@Toro and @Swan7 - I have way too often been impatient and very harsh with you two, and neither of you deserved that. I'm sorry for unnecessarily attacking you. I appreciate the heart that you each have for the Lord and the fact that you are seeking to grow in your relationship with Him. I hope that only continues to happen both in your individual relationships with the Lord and with each other.
@appletreeblossom - I know you aren't a regular here, but I know I acted so poorly and inconsiderately, and I said very hurtful things to you as well, and I just hope you see this and know that I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of it.
@Senkaku - I took some very stupid, very immature shots at you that were entirely uncalled for. I know that you are tough and you are able to let things like that roll off of you, but I haven't forgotten about it and I feel like I owe you a major apology. I am truly sorry for insulting your character and being an enemy rather than a brother in Christ. I know you are a good guy (and a fellow worship leader), and I wish I could go back and respond differently. You didn't deserve any of the things that I said, and truthfully those things were more true of me in the moment than they were of you.
@ImAllLikeOkWaitWat - I have said some pretty mean things to you at times, calling you a creep and things like that, and I am sorry that you joined a Christian forum and then had to hear that type of thing from anyone at all, but especially from me. There is always a place here for you, and I hope you find more encouragement here than anything else.
@Saucy - I know we've patched up to some degree, but I still have in my memory a gigantic blowup that we had here several months ago, and I know it wrecked the WOYM thread for a little while. I'm sorry to everyone who was affected by that, but I am especially sorry to you, Saucy, for attacking your character and blowing things way out of proportion.
There may be others of you that felt attacked by me at different points in time, and if that is something that you still harbor, I am really sorry. You can message me about it and I would really like to apologize to you directly as well.
The truth is that I trainwrecked a lot of friendships during this phase of my life. It was such a nightmare, and I still have some lingering feelings of being ashamed of how poorly I handled all of it. There are a lot of people who have handled worse cirumstances so much better. There are a few people who stayed pretty steadfast friends even as they had to put up with my crap at times. @RayofSun, @YankeeGirl, @High Fidelity, @leothelioness, @SweetCarolina, @Squeakers, @Miss Spaulding--some of you had to deal with my crap directly, and others just saw it here on the forum. Just know that I am unbelievably thankful for you. You were God's grace at work in my life when I was most belligerent and unlovable. And I specifically remember people like Saucy, @kittysbecute, @Wayholka, and @PeachieKeen offering words of encouragement during times when I was posting about my struggles. You reaching out with encouragement still does mean a lot to me.
I know a lot of us struggle with loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty about the future, mental illness, or some combination of those, but I just hope you all know that there is something to appreciate about each one of you and that you have intrinsic worth as creations of God. This goes for everyone I've mentioned and the other regulars here--@CodyFaith, @Noxot, @sunshineforJesus, @Miles, @redblue22, @timewerx, @ThisIsMe123, @SarahsKnight, @Bortsss, @.Mikha'el., @Multifavs, @Anthony7, @TheGirlOnFire, @Travelers.Soul, @Citanul, @EyesOfKohl, @MarkSB, @Applekrate, @blackribbon, @zxcv, @pinkjess, @mojoboy31, @Servant68--you all have gifts and talents, most of which we never get to see here. I am glad that you are all here and wish I had the chance to meet every one of you. Just know that you are all cherished by your Creator and that you all have something of value to bring to the table. That is not just fluff but something I sincerely believe.
With love,
-Paulie079
