I am sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ari5]

How about counseling? Would she go with you/or perhaps you need to tell her that you both need to sit down & work out some compromises because you can't live like this anymore. Would she be willing to do that? Or perhaps involve a 3rd party like a close friend to help with the compromise?

Obviously she is holding onto it for a reason, maybe security. Maybe try to understand what makes her feel like she needs this stuff. Call Dr. Phil, lol!!! I've seen him help people in these situations.

Blessings, Ari

 

[heavb30]

your days are not numbered Pray to the lord for help. I have been in your spot kind of. I have done the bankrupt thing and it is not nice but just take it one day at a time and let the lord lead the way.

www.onamissionforjc.com

 

[janny108]

Did you ever talk to her about this? How does she respond? If she is sick, can you hire someone to clean things up a bit?
Jan

 

[fisherman2]

I think it is a sickness or something..her mother was the same way,,I just give up,,,I take care of the bills, my bills..bills she makes, are her problems,,i am tired of fixing all the leaks in the damm.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I think it is a sickness or something..her mother was the same way,,I just give up,,,I take care of the bills, my bills..bills she makes, are her problems,,i am tired of fixing all the leaks in the damm.

There you go, that's a good way of teaching her. Good for you for setting boundaries.

HB

 

[HuntingMan]

I think it is a sickness or something..her mother was the same way,,I just give up,,,I take care of the bills, my bills..bills she makes, are her problems,,i am tired of fixing all the leaks in the damm.

My step father had to really take control.
He cut her off the bank accts and took her bank cards and I think even set up another bank account to have his check direct deposit because she was getting it and spending a lot of it before hed even come home from work (I think depositing it then making an immediate ATM withdrawal against it).

She had to go get a PT job for her own spending money beyond what he gives her, but something she did to compensate was to sign up for things like Fingerhut where she can order junk and pay later....which apparently shes not paying on as much as she should.

I agree with others here that your wife probably need to see a professional. I know my mom has some depression even if she'd never admit it.

 

[HOPEOF9]

You yourself said it early in the thread - your wife is sick. This kind of buying and hoarding comes from mental illness of some kind. Your wife needs professional help. She is not disrespecting you, she is not flaunting her behavior in your face; she is unable to control this behavior on her own.

Now, you can lie down and wait to die, (it could be a long wait) or you can try and get her some help. You have not mentioned trying to get her professional help before. Why not now? And don't tell us you are done - you wouldn't have posted here is you were ready to curl up and die. It takes a few phone calls. Perhaps you have the strength to make those before you expire.

Meanwhile, cancel the credit cards!!

I really agreed with the above statement quoted here.

Here's a idea. IT's your anniversary...or was. Take her to an hotel room. I nice suite that has plenty of extra space and places to sit and lounge. Stay a couple a nights,A really relaxing place. If she doesn't make any comments like "Oh this has been so nice." or "It's always nice to stay in a place away from all the clutter of home." IF NOT, ask her if it has been nice staying in a place like it. Ask her if has been nice to not have all the extra stuff around. See if it starts a conversation a real heart to heart one.
Maybe it'll help, maybe not, but at least YOU'LL be out of the junk for a couple of days!

Blessings!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Has the stuff she's bought ever turned out to be useful?

 

[mkgal1]

Here's a idea. IT's your anniversary...or was. Take her to an hotel room. I nice suite that has plenty of extra space and places to sit and lounge. Stay a couple a nights,A really relaxing place. If she doesn't make any comments like "Oh this has been so nice." or "It's always nice to stay in a place away from all the clutter of home." IF NOT, ask her if it has been nice staying in a place like it. Ask her if has been nice to not have all the extra stuff around. See if it starts a conversation a real heart to heart one.
Maybe it'll help, maybe not, but at least YOU'LL be out of the junk for a couple of days!

Blessings!

I like this idea a lot. Your wife's changes will have to come from within her. She is probably overwhelmed with how things have become and just doesn't know where to begin....or maybe even WHY she should begin. Maybe seeing how nice it is living "clutter free" would be motivation.
I am so sorry you feel the way you do.....you shouldn't have to feel trapped in your own home...However, I realize this is difficult for your wife to just "fix" as well. It's not as if you could just throw everything away...there is real attachment, I am sure. I hate to hear you say that you would be happier homeless. Can she compromise and agree to clearing out one room? Perhaps a family room or somewhere that you both spend time? Is she open to the two of you just boxing things up in that room for now? There is a really good website related to this
(Can I do that? ....recommend other sites?)
It is www.flylady.net.
I will be praying for you that your remaining years are your best ever!

 

[fisherman2]

Again, thanks to everyone...
I have tried talking to her for years, down on my knees crying, to stop, I have planed get aways, that didn't help, she would say what are we doing this for, or give me a weird face, once we were there, and with her attitude and comments, just packed up and went back home...Like i say, i give up...how can you talk to someone that knows all the answers, or won't listen, i just came on here to releave some of the inner emotions, my kids side with here, there is no one else, i don;t go to church, when ever i say something or suggest something...she will say...Do what......with an attitude. In this world there a lot of people that put them selves and money ahead of everything else...and she is one of them. Some day, i will pile all the junk up in the middle of the living room and smash it, perhaps that will get her attention...I must now go into the daughters old bed room and clean the closet out, there is so much christmas wraping paper, you can not shut the door,,,trash comes monday.

 

[Jilly123]

Aw, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like your wife is quite a difficult person to communicate with...so well done on so many years.

I agree that it definitely sounds like it is just an outward physical symptom of an emotional/psychological problem. I hope she can find help somewhere...some people you can talk to until you're blue in the face and it makes no difference. Sounds like she needs some Divine intervention.

Praying for you

 

[LTRoss]

F2,
I think my wife is cut from similar cloth.... she is very enthusiastic to keep the American economy going, always has. Although she is not very materialistic about herself, more our children and giving to others.

She is more of an "out of the house" person, probably as a result of her upbringing. We have been married ten years, and I just kind of go with it. I usually just watch the big financial picture, and not nit pick her about what she buys. I will tell her we have to forgo big ticket items if the credit card balances do not come down and the savings does not go up. I think it's easier to reason at that level, as opposed to harping about every purchase.

As indicated in earlier posts, you wife has some type of disorder. So does mine, but I am with her 100%. I pray to the Lord for patience, and he has delivered. We don't fight. If she likes things, she is welcome to buy them if she feels like it is a priority. Our house is cluttered, but the kids are very occupied with crafts and books.. they have little interest in television, which is awesome. I do bust on em to clean up, but I am just so happy with how they are growing up to be so creative.

My mom was always a neat freak, I think mostly because we were poor, and it didn't cost anything to clean. But it drove us nuts.

Not sure if this helps at all, but it's a little of my experience. God bless you!

Best,
LT

 

[Autumnleaf]

Have you ever tried reverse psychology? Like taking the junk she buys and fussing over how great it is and insist on putting it as the table centerpiece?

 

[fisherman2]

There is no place to put anything, even the kitchen table is covered with junk, we eat either standing or sitting with plates on our laps...

 

[mkgal1]

Okay....I really hate to hear how this has overtaken you. You said you posted to vent....would you want to hear advice?

 

[LoveAlways]

I am very sorry you are going through this. It can be very difficult when married couples disagree on money. My mom was like your wife, but not nearly as bad. She would buy these ridiculously expensive baskets, and she shopped all the time. Drove my dad insane. In my marriage, both of us are minimal spenders, but my husband keeps too much. He has stacks of valentine's day cards from the second grade and hundreds of thousands of baseball cards.

You need to take control of your life. You wouldn't give money to a drug addict, would you? Take control over the finances, as much as you can.

This isn't to punish your wife. If you're out for revenge, it's best you keep doing nothing. Because this is about protecting her, your marriage, and your home. It might be hard not to look at her as an antagonist, not to blame her. But remember that lashing out at her won't fix the problem.

My husband never let it get as bad as your wife. I have on one or two occasions forced him to throw out stuff-- or rather he watched while I did it. If that makes me the worst wife in the world, oh well. I couldn't continue to see our office closet stuffed with the coins he'd saved (and I'm not talking about valuable coins, but regular nickels, and cups filled with state quarters, ect.). At the time, he told me it physically hurt him to watch me. Even though he didn't show it, he was so upset. However, years later, he can't remember why it bothered him. But I still have to talk him out of new collections all the time. I have to stay in complete control over the house all the time, not because I want to, but because our household, our marriage, and my sanity will collapse if I don't. Right now I'm staring at about a hundred envelopes my husband has been keeping and am thinking I've let it go too long again.

Your wife sounds like she has an illness. Dumping all the junk is only a band-aide. It might feel satisfying as all get out, but it can cause problems if not done right. If you don't get her help, the junk will pile back up. And if she is feeling unstable at the moment, you could really be causing her emotional harm. All that stuff is a crutch for her. It's filling a void.

Get her to a doctor. This isn't something you can plead with her about, or lecture her about, or discuss with her. You need third-party intervention, and you need it now.

Wishing you the best.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I am only addrssing the issue about your wife's clutter because my wife is somewhat the same way. Perhaps my solution will be to your liking and that you can afford it someday.

My wife and I are totally different in that she has every room full of stuff, I like things organized and unclttered This is how it has been for over 30 years. When I try to unclutter or organize a room she gets real upset; she will not let me throw anything away. Her way of keeping our house has bothered me for years and I have let her have her way for all these years but during those years I have planned my solution.

We will be pouring the foundation this month for our addition to our home. The additon will enlarge her bedroom to give her a 15x19 master bedroom with a seperate bath and walk-in-closet. I will get my own bathroom and and an office.

I have informed her and all other family members that my office and bathroom will have locks on them and I will be the only one to have a key. I am smiling from ear to ear!!

I am glad that my wife and I are able to do this addition so that we can both have some rooms to arrange like we want. I have saved and planned for this for over 20 years. I love my wife and she is a good woman it is just that we have a very different way that we like our rooms.

I hope that you find a solution to the clutter problem so that you do not have to fight off resentments.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Fisherman
I only read your last post when I responded above. I have read all of your posts and also the response by LoveAlways. Her advice is more complete than mine and I think that she nailed it when she said

“You need to take control of your life.”

LoveAlways went on to explain on how to do that in a productive way.

In the past when I would get upset with my wife’s clutter I took some control and would not let her drive my car unless she made sure that no clutter was left in my car. I also took two rooms of the house and declared that they were under my control; she could have all the rest of the house. We had a knock down drag out fight that day but it has all been forgotten and I got some relief.

I have full control of my money and I do not let her take advantage of my money. Fortunately my wife is very thrifty about spending my money but she takes her money and goes to thrift stores and buys a lot of stuff for very little money. She said that the thrift store shopping is enjoyable and is somewhat therapy for her.

My taking control in those situations and knowing that I had a plan to add rooms for her and I this year has helped both of us. We will celebrate 40 years of marriage this year.

Fisherman
Would it help you if you took control of a few rooms, your money, and your car?

 

[Autumnleaf]

There is no place to put anything, even the kitchen table is covered with junk, we eat either standing or sitting with plates on our laps...

What if you had an open house garage sale until further notice? The key is to make it more annoying for her to keep doing it than to not do it. Wherever her weakness is is where you can work on this.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

42 years together and it's become too much to handle now? I'm just confused.

It sounds like your wife has some clutter issues, potentially something like OCD...maybe you could get her to talk to her doctor, maybe get something to help with this, then she might be a bit more willing to relinquish control of the items?