I am in need of answers...

[3M0_Girl]

So...I joined this site in hopes of finding answers...this is one thing I need answers to...


I...to start off, my name is Ashley, and I do have problems, more than most probably...but one thing, something that has been going on for about a year now, is abuse..

It started about a year ago, when my mom started a new job, which required her to be gone all Friday and Saturday, every other week. My daddy would take this time to invite friends over to play cards/ whatever...they would also get drunk...after the oter men all left, he would come up stairs and he would beat me with whatever he found, for what e would call, interupting his time...which usually didn't really happen...
Lately it hasn't really happened much...but istill cannot sleep at night while he is this way...I just wanna know...what should I do...I have talked to him about it while he is sober...but he usually blows me off...It isn't happening very much anymore..but I'm afraid it might start again at any time...
I there is anyone who care...what course of action should I take...

 

[Italianguy]

I hope everyone isn't ignoring this!?

Little sis my heart bleeds for you right now and my wife is in tears reading this. PLEASE PLEASE report him!! I cant say i know what your going through but all i can do is pray for you. Have you told your mother? Men who do this have no good reason and he should be stopped! Period!!!! I am pacing trying to figure what can be done to help you before it gets worse.

If you need to PM me, my stepfather is Cheif of police in my area and he can guide you through steps to stop ths immediatley! He is the founder of the P.R.I.D.E program that is recognised worldwide against abuse of women.

God be with you sis.

 

[3M0_Girl]

I..I thank you for your response...

I mentioned it to my mom before, but she said I was exagerating, Which I may be...I'm not sure anymore...
I've talked to a friend of mine about it, and she said that if it did continue I should do something...but the thing is...if I do report him...my mom would hate me, my brother would hate me, and I'm not sure what else would happen. My mom may be losing that job so if she does, she wouldn't be leaving, and he wouldn't get drunk, cuz she doesn't let him...so I'm just hoping she loses this job..then it would be over...

I...thank you for posting...it is good to know someone cares...

 

[Pompa Mike]

I like the idea that Italianguy has, maybe having a law enforecement perspective on it might help, I think you should PM him and get some direction. What's happening to you shouldn't be happening to you. God Bless you.

 

[LaBarre]

Ashley, (sorry, I didn't remember your know until I posted this! Names are very important.)

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and that you do not deserve this cruel treatment or to live with this kind of fear. And we do care....very very much.

I'm glad to see that you have told others what is going on - even though nothing seems to have helped much.

It's obvious that you want, and need this to stop. The hard fact is, it will mean you telling someone in authority - a teacher, police, social services, a doctor...anyone that you think you can trust to help you do the right thing.

I hear you when you wrote that you think your mom will lose her job, and then your father won't be getting drunk any more. My suspicion is, that even if that happens, there are still problems with your father - that he still mistreats you in some dysfunctional way. Any man who behaves that way when drunk, and when confronted by his injured daughter while sober and still blows it off.....is dysfunctional at least, and possibly still abusive in other ways that you aren't aware of.

I know that you don't ever want him to get drunk and abuse you again.
But your mother losing her job isn't going to fix anything. The crime has already been committed. You've been abused. It's affected you. You are now afraid of the future - is it going to happen again?- is he drinking?, will he hurt me tonight? Is that his footstep I hear outside the door??

I know you're afraid your mom and brother will be angry if you turn your father in. These are very important people in your life...of course you don't want them mad at you. But, um, do you understand that you are not to blame here? You are the innocent victim. Your father is the criminal. Even if your mother and brother get mad - they are angry at the wrong person.

Plus, there's always the possibility that they will not be angry, or that they will see the truth.

You deserve protection. You deserve a safe home. You deserve to have the truth told.

I'm very sad to say that I doubt that you will turn your father in. That is something that take an enormous amount of courage to do, and right now, after being attacked by the person who is supposed to protect you, and then doubted by the mother who is supposed to protect you (because she accused you of exaggerating), very few people would be feeling brave. I pray to God that I am wrong.

However, I really wish you would tell someone in authority. It's going to be a scary situation....but you already have that, don't you....you're afraid for your safety in your own home, and if home is nothing else - it should be the safest place on earth.

In the meantime, will you at least try to see if you can sleep over at a friend's or relatives house on the weekends that you mom works? Or have a friend stay with you. Keep a phone in your room. Find a way to barricade the door.

I would really really love it if you would say to your mom and dad...."Mom, Dad, since Mom's working tonight, how do you two plan on keeping me safe when Dad drinks and hits me? It is your legal obligation to protect your child, and so far you've flunked." (*sigh* I know, that probably sounds silly to you, but I wish I had been able to do that when I was 15; hold my parents responsible - plant all responsibility on their shoulder where it belongs, instead of mine. Or yours. I'd pay money to see an abused kid take the control back - and force the blame squarely on the ones who are responsible.

Again, I will say that you are innocent here. You have the right to feel afraid for your safety. You deserve to let someone know who can protect you.

And if your family gets mad...too bad. You are the injured party, your needs come first.

Also, please start keeping records of what happens: keep a notebook where you record the date, time, people involved, what happens, who did what, or didn't do what, was there alcohol, that sort of stuff.

And please keep in touch here on the forum, if you feel comfortable.
We are at least, able to let you know that we are on your side and care about what happens to you.

Oh! And also, the internet and phone books will have toll free 800 number for you to call anonymously. One of then is 1 800 - 4- A- CHILD - its for people who are abused, of think they know of someone being abused. There's also 1 800 448 - 3000. That's the number to BoysTown (they help girls too). Even if you don't want to turn your father in, they might have someone you can speak to over the phone anonymously, just to....talk...
You don't have to do anything you don't want to. a church might be a place for you to try to, if you just want someone to listen to your problems, and without knowing who you are.

Your state/country might have others. If you need help finding some, let us know here, and feel free to send me a private message too.

Please keep in touch.

Hugs,
LaBarre

 

[3M0_Girl]

Ashley, (sorry, I didn't remember your know until I posted this! Names are very important.)

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and that you do not deserve this cruel treatment or to live with this kind of fear. And we do care....very very much.

I'm glad to see that you have told others what is going on - even though nothing seems to have helped much.

normally i don't...it's just that, I've tried everything else before...I figured I have nothing to lose...

It's obvious that you want, and need this to stop. The hard fact is, it will mean you telling someone in authority - a teacher, police, social services, a doctor...anyone that you think you can trust to help you do the right thing.

but what do you do when you don't feel you can trust anyone...

I hear you when you wrote that you think your mom will lose her job, and then your father won't be getting drunk any more. My suspicion is, that even if that happens, there are still problems with your father - that he still mistreats you in some dysfunctional way. Any man who behaves that way when drunk, and when confronted by his injured daughter while sober and still blows it off.....is dysfunctional at least, and possibly still abusive in other ways that you aren't aware of.
..neither of my parents have really ever cared for
me...it's mostly because I...havnt been the perfect daughter they've
wanted...I failed them, but I can't change who I am..

I know that you don't ever want him to get drunk and abuse you again.
But your mother losing her job isn't going to fix anything. The crime has already been committed. You've been abused. It's affected you. You are now afraid of the future - is it going to happen again?- is he drinking?, will he hurt me tonight? Is that his footstep I hear outside the door??

but...he doesn't drink when she is around...if she lost her job...everything would be more peaceful...and I've lived with it for this long...i don't care
anymore...the scars only add to my own...

I know you're afraid your mom and brother will be angry if you turn your father in. These are very important people in your life...of course you don't want them mad at you. But, um, do you understand that you are not to blame here? You are the innocent victim. Your father is the criminal. Even if your mother and brother get mad - they are angry at the wrong person.
the thing is...my little brother is the only one I feel I can trust...he looks up to me...he's the only one who truly loves me...

Plus, there's always the possibility that they will not be angry, or that they will see the truth.

You deserve protection. You deserve a safe home. You deserve to have the truth told.
why? Why do I deserve it...if I wasn't here this wouldn't even be happening...so it leads back to me in the end...


I'm very sad to say that I doubt that you will turn your father in. That is something that take an enormous amount of courage to do, and right now, after being attacked by the person who is supposed to protect you, and then doubted by the mother who is supposed to protect you (because she accused you of exaggerating), very few people would be feeling brave. I pray to God that I am wrong.
I hate my dad...he isn't what's holding me
back...or my mom...it's my brother....he loves them, and they love him...I couldn't break his heart by ruining our family...just for my problems...

However, I really wish you would tell someone in authority. It's going to be a scary situation....but you already have that, don't you....you're afraid for your safety in your own home, and if home is nothing else - it should be the safest place on earth.
well home has never been a place of peace for me..constant fighting and bickering...I'm used to it...I'm not missing nothin...

In the meantime, will you at least try to see if you can sleep over at a friend's or relatives house on the weekends that you mom works? Or have a friend stay with you. Keep a phone in your room. Find a way to barricade the door.

I've tried that...he never let's me...

I would really really love it if you would say to your mom and dad...."Mom, Dad, since Mom's working tonight, how do you two plan on keeping me safe when Dad drinks and hits me? It is your legal obligation to protect your child, and so far you've flunked." (*sigh* I know, that probably sounds silly to you, but I wish I had been able to do that when I was 15; hold my parents responsible - plant all responsibility on their shoulder where it belongs, instead of mine. Or yours. I'd pay money to see an abused kid take the control back - and force the blame squarely on the ones who are responsible.

words mean nothing to them...not from me anyway..
Again, I will say that you are innocent here. You have the right to feel afraid for your safety. You deserve to let someone know who can protect you.

And if your family gets mad...too bad. You are the injured party, your needs come first.

Also, please start keeping records of what happens: keep a notebook where you record the date, time, people involved, what happens, who did what, or didn't do what, was there alcohol, that sort of stuff.

And please keep in touch here on the forum, if you feel comfortable.
We are at least, able to let you know that we are on your side and care about what happens to you.

Oh! And also, the internet and phone books will have toll free 800 number for you to call anonymously. One of then is 1 800 - 4- A- CHILD - its for people who are abused, of think they know of someone being abused. There's also 1 800 448 - 3000. That's the number to BoysTown (they help girls too). Even if you don't want to turn your father in, they might have someone you can speak to over the phone anonymously, just to....talk...
You don't have to do anything you don't want to. a church might be a place for you to try to, if you just want someone to listen to your problems, and without knowing who you are.

Your state/country might have others. If you need help finding some, let us know here, and feel free to send me a private message too.

Please keep in touch.

Hugs,
LaBarre

This post literally made
me cry...lol

my comments are in bold....

Thank you...so much...

 

[LaBarre]

I have to go to work this morning Ashley. I'll respond as soon as I can tonight.

LaBarre

 

[3M0_Girl]

Thank you...I appreciate it

 

[mjmcmillan]

I saw this posting this morning, but wasn't able to reply because of time (I had to leave within minutes, was already late).

First, you're not the first nor, unfortunately, will you be the last to go through this type of thing. The bad news is that this means a lot of good people suffer at the hands of abusers. The good news is that this means there's a lot of material available to help you get a handle on what's happening, if you want to search a little for it.

First, having read your opening post, let me assure you that you didn't do anything to deserve this. Further, when you did speak up and were told that (a) it didn't happen or (b) that you exaggerated what happened, that is what I come to expect from abusers and the folk who cover for them. I think you tell the truth about it. The reason I think that is that I've been where you are, and have had some experience in the ways an abusive person does things.

I wonder if there's a textbook somewhere that these people study to learn how to do things like this? I ask this because there's really nothing new, and just about every story-- including yours and mine--- contain similar details. The abuser gets angry or drunk, perhaps both, over something that has nothing whatsoever to do with the victim, but lashes out all the same. Isolate the victim. Make the victim feel that there's no one he/she can trust, no one will believe him/her, if victim does speak out then victim has a head problem and is making stuff up, may be crazy and so on. You feel the problem is because you're not a perfect daughter---- well, nobody's perfect so you have lots of company in that department. In my case, I was told that I was evil, deceitful, extremely selfish and a molester of kitty cats, not one bit of which is true.

I don't know if I can be much help, but if you need assurance that (a) you're not a bad person and (b) that somebody believes you and won't say the problem is all in your head or that you're making it up, PM me. As I've said, I've been where you are and I do know something of what you're going through.

 

[LaBarre]

Hi Ashley,

Okay, from your responses, it sounds like there have been other things going on in your family even before your mom's job (you wrote about the constant fighting and bickering). It also sounds like you blame yourself for causing it. You yourself said that you "failed them".

You asked why you deserved protection. Why wouldn't you? Because you're not perfect? Did you fail chemistry class? Get suspended from school for a week, break a favorite dish? Ashley, you aren't supposed to be perfect. Humans are not meant to be perfect, we have to have problems, challenges and mistake in our lives to help us learn and grow. If your parents expect perfection, then they are being very unrealistic. It take a child over 18 years of learning, making mistakes, etc. to get to the point where they have enough knowledge and wisdom to take care of themselves in college or the working world.

If a teenager blows off studying for a final exam in school in order to play video games or hang out with friends at the mall all weekend, then they flunk the test, and possibly the whole semester. Parents get angry, and rightfully so (as long as no abuse is involved) and take away cell phone privileges for 6 weeks. This is how teenagers learn that choices have consequences. So when they are 21 years old, have a job, blow off a project at work - they know there will be a consequence....such as getting in trouble with the boss, or even losing a job. Losing a job means not paying the rent.
These are all very important lessons learned throughout childhood. The mistakes are NECESSARY. I raise children for a living Ashley, and have for over 15 years.

So give up on the perfection thing. It's not your job to be perfect, even if your parents think so. (But I will acknowledge that if you feel your parents think you should be perfect, it really puts you in a tough spot, because right now your parents are in command of your world. But for your sake, just try to understand how unreasonable and illogical it is to expect that of a human being.)

Now, why do you deserve protection? Every child of every age, every circumstance deserves protection. The Federal law states this, State law says this, and the morals of every country on this planet say this. Mother Nature also says this. Children are to be protected. Our species does not survive without out children. This includes you. I don't care what you have done in the past, what color your hair is, how angry your parents get at you, or if you rob a bank. You are a precious human being that is supposed to be loved, cared for, nurtured and protected. A parent's obligation is to support and teach their children how to be happy and independent so they can live on their own one day.

You haven't failed your parents. Your parents failed you... you don't feel loved, you don't feel heard, you lived for years in a house full of fighting and bickering and now violence....an atmosphere that causes great harm to developing kids - even if they are fifteen and the size of an adult. The stress and worry from all that dysfunction can literally cause changes in the health of a kid's brain. It sure screws up their development! How are you supposed to become confident and independent when your parents can't see that their own problems and lack of parenting are affecting you and your brother?

It is the job of all parents to provide the best parenting they can. And if they don't know how - they are supposed to learn...take parenting classes, etc., that's what adult are supposed to do. But they haven't. They have failed you.

Most importantly, you are not safe physically or psychologically, in your own home. Oh yeah, Ashley. They have completely failed you.

Let's address the comment you made about how if you weren't in the picture, this wouldn't be happening, that it all leads back to you in the end.
Take that thought, wrap it up in a box and chuck it out the window. You do not cause their behavior. It's not your job to make those adults behave. Not even a little. Nope. No way. Children are not responsible for their parents' behavior. Ever. Even the law says that. And that law includes you.

You are not responsible for your parents behavior.

There are other things from your post I wanted to address, but I want to finish this tonight, and skip right to one of your favorite things...your little brother.

May I ask how old he is?

I am so glad there is at least one good thing in your life - your brother.

You are afraid of contacting the authorities because, naturally, you don't know who to trust, and probably don't know what the school, police, or social services people will do. These are perfectly normal fears to have in your situation Ashley. Sometimes the most brutally abused kids will run away from safe foster homes to return to the abusive home. Why? Because the abuse is normal for them. You said yourself - when talking about the fighting and bickering....that you're used to it. It's familiar. When a kid finds himself in a happy healthy home - he doesn't recognize, and doesn't trust it because he doesn't know that is how things are supposed to be. It feels safer to be in a home where he knows how things work and what to expect, even if it involves abuse. It feels as odd to him, as it would taking a kid from a happy healthy home, and throwing him into an abusive one. The rules are different, none of them know what to expect. And kids of all ages like structure - they like to know what's expected of them, and predict how other behave.

One thing to think of, and feel free to correct me, but it sounds like your parents and brother are happy with each other at this point in time. If so, then it's possible that, should you contact someone, and should they choose to move you out of the home, that your brother would NOT be moved.

Another thing to think of, is your brother does witness what happens in the house. He feels the tension, the fear, the anger, and violence and the remnants of that violence. He knows things aren't right. Even it's he's only 2, or 5, or 8 years old. Believe me, he KNOWS.

This affects him too. It doesn't matter if your parents never yell at him, or never hit him. It. Has. Harmed. Him.

You deserve better. He deserves better. You have not caused any of this. (Argue with me all you want, it's not your fault.) You deserve a solution to this just like you asked for in your first post.

Please think about using one of those 800 numbers I sent you. Or find another one. They are private and anonymous, and you can ask questions, get a feel for any other ideas or solutions that might be helpful. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't help you. Then we'll try other numbers, or try to find different people at the 800 numbers.

Don't give up Ashley. You came to this forum because you are feeling a great need for change in your life, this makes me think you must be feeling very bad. There is a solution out there, and I want you to keep looking. But also keep in mind, that the right solution for you, might not "feel" right. It might be scary. Which is why I'd really like to find a trained person to help point you in the right direction.

Take care, Ashley.

LaBarre

 

[3M0_Girl]

KTHANK you for the responses...I'll PM you LaBarre and answer some of your questions

 

[Italianguy]

I so happy for you sister! ....Sorry just had to say it out loud!

God be with you!

 

[3M0_Girl]

I so happy for you sister! ....Sorry just had to say it out loud!

God be with you!

Oh, thank you haha...I'm so glad I made the desicion...i already feel alot better...god truly is...amazing...

:')
~Ashley K.

 

[Johnnz]

Its great you are corresponding and getting some good replies. Yes, God is God and he is totally on your side.

John
NZ