i am in a bad situation ..i need some advice

[so-confussed]

please dont judge me.. i have been thru hell on earth in the past 9 yrs

it all started when i was married for 3 yrs. i would always have my 2 neices come over and stay the night. we were all close. it seemed as though they were my kids too. my one neice was 15 and the other 16
we would all sleep together in the same bed.. it was not out of the ordinary for us. i see now that it was.. i would sleep on one side of the bed next to my husband..my two nieces would sleep at the foot of the bed. well one night .. my husband and neice got out of bed and went into the living room.. and i was asleep.. with my other niece in the bed. and they was playing a game.. on super nitendo.. and then one thing led to another.. with them 2.. but they did not have sexual intercorse. she was 15 my husband was 25 and then.. 2 weeks went by.. and she finally told what had happened.. i was very devastated.. my heart was crushed in everyway possible. and i took time out to talk to my husband.. and i tried to understand why he done this.. that was one of the most hurt feelings one could ever feel.. he cryed to me and said..he was very sorry.. and he wanted counsling.. at that time..my life was not good anyway.. i had a very bad raising. i was very abused as a kid.. and i know that my mind was not where it is now..after many yrs of counsling and seeking God. so at that time i choosed to stay with him..
everyone in my family was so dead to the fact of what really happened..i could not deal with it ..at all.. i would have an anxiety attack over the mention of it all.. it was so bad.. well it took 5 yrs ..that i had to face up with all that had happened in my life and what he done.
and why i was attracted to a person like that to begin with.. my life growing up was bad.. my dad was an alcholic and also sexually abused my sister for along time..we lived very poor and we got beatings .. and there are 8 kids in our family.. my husband has never done anything like that..he is very shameful of what he did..he knows the damage he has caused my niece.. he has talked to her and my sister..alot about it.. he has been thru counsling..and most of all ... turned to God.. and i forgave him and so i thought my sister and i can understand that she will never forgive ... thats understandable to me.. i have a 3 yr old son by my husband.. and he is our life... i see how much having a kid..will make you grow up and see life as it is.. my niece dont like me or him..and that is understandable.. i wished so much that she could forgive him..and me in her heart.. my sister and i have a realtionship..and so has my husband with all of them... but they always bring up to him what he has done.. i want a realtionship with my sister ..and my niece. they will have one ..when it comes to money..or buying for them..i have tried everyway..and so has my husband to make up for the wrong .. that has happened..and they wont never let it end..my husband went and cosigned for my niece..to get her a new car..and she still hates him.. and i have went and got my sister many things ..to let her see that we are sorry..we have talked about to her so much..she tells me..that she knows my husband is changed..and then the next month..she throws it back to our face..we have been nothing but good to them.. i would never be mean to my sister or niece. its been almost 10 yrs ..now..and she throws it up ..to me ..as it was yesterday.. and i hurt all over again.. i love my husband..i love them also..im torn in the middle.. my husband sees the damage he has done and he feels really bad. i know God has forgave him..and i know that my sister will never or my niece.. i want a realtionship with them.. and i have indured alot of pain and heartache because i have stayed with my husband thru this. i am to the point of telling my sister i cant deal with the wishy washy feelings.. she loves me when i give to her and do for her...and if i dont..she throws all that back up to me to bring me down.. the past 9 yrs have been this way.. i dont think there is ever going to be a complete healing there.. i have prayed and wept before God so much... i still do.. i will never get over this.. i try and then..its throwed back up..i have dealt time and time again with it.. i dont know what else to do..but to end my realtionship with my sister.. i will never get over what my husband did.. the pain will always be there. i never took him over my niece and my sister ..i always told him ..he was very wrong. when we all talked.. i want to have my sister in my life..but ..she cant i guess..and i have to accept that... i have to let go..so i can live..10 yrs is long enough..and i cant bear it anylonger..i have my son ..to take care of now.. and i cant buy for her and do for her like i did.. i feel like me and my husband has paid for what he done.. and God forgave us.. she told me i would always be indebted to her..and i may be.. but i cant live under this bandage anymore... we have 2 more yrs on my nieces car before she pays it off...she owes almost 7 grand on it.. the car was a 20 grand car.. and i am trying to get thru that.. its been rough for me..over the last almost 10 yrs..if anyone has any advice..please post it.. you most likely cant hurt me.. if you post bad..i have heard it all and seen it all..but my question is..what should i do..concerning my sister and niece? should i just live my life and cut them out? or should i keep trying.. i dont know.. please leave comments.. thank you.for reading..

 

[Ave Maria]

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through so much trouble. I really don't know what to say other than to pray for your sister and your niece. They may eventually forgive you and your husband. I do not know if they will or not but I will sincerely pray for you and your family. Also, try to remember that you can't buy love.

Anyway, just so you know, this isn't the right forum to post a message like this in. I know that you didn't know that and I'm not mad at you for it. But just so you know, the moderators might move it to another forum. This forum that you posted this message in is mainly for asking questions about Christian Forums itself. Don't worry though, I don't think you'll get in trouble for it. The moderators around here are very nice. Welcome to Christian Forums and may God help you with your troubles.

 

[elanor]

What a difficult situation for you! It sounds like you and your husband have done many things right--turned to the Lord, been honest, sought counseling, asked forgiveness. But it doesn't sound as if either your sister or your niece are willing to forgive or move forward. And it seems that they are using you and preying on your feelings of guilt to get what they can from you. As long as you continue to allow this, you'll never be free. And neither will they. I don't believe God would have any of you live year after year under such bondage. Perhaps the most loving thing you can do for everyone concerned is tell them that enough is enough--it's time to move forward, and you won't let them manipulate you any longer by guilt. You can let them know you still love them and want them in your life, but not they way they have been. If they refuse to let the relationships grow beyond this, then put some distance between you. It will be painful, but no more painful than living with this sort of misery. May God be with you every step of every day.

 

[Johnnz]

So confussed

Your story is not that unusual, sadly.

The best thing for you is to get some experienced christian counsellor. There are many issues in your life. You will need someone to talk to, to pray with you, and to help you find a supportive environment.

John
NZ

 

[gman]

I am hoping that you and your husband have a good and understanding pastor that you trust...take it to him or to other trusted elders in the congregation...perhaps they may never forgive you and your husband, but you must both forgive yourselves and realize that the damage done may not heal until the Lord returns...you cannot buy forgiveness, only God can give it and your sister and niece will have to get it from him to give to you.


Jesus, I pray blessings on this family situation, only you can restore and heal things like this, please Lord do your work in lives, may your kingdom come and your will be done in this matter...

 

[Cubbs]

so-confused,

It is completely ok to end your ties with your sister for now...or however long need be. If you do, make sure you do it in love, as it seems you are. It would be in everyone's best interest, health (emotionally, physically, and spiritually). Let your sister and you have time and space to process things on your own. For her to keep a shame hook in you is not fair or right at all. You are never responsible for your husbands' actions and she needs to understand that. It is apparent her words are saying yes she has forgiven but her other words are saying differently . I am SO sorry you have gone through this. Sister, God can and will work through all the stuff (for lack of a better term) that we heave on ourselves and that hell dumps on us. He has not forgotten you. Quite the contrary, He's got a picture of you on His fridge. He is with you.

-Sorry mods. didnt know word was censored. my fault

 

[cynjo59]

What a difficult situation for you! It sounds like you and your husband have done many things right--turned to the Lord, been honest, sought counseling, asked forgiveness. But it doesn't sound as if either your sister or your niece are willing to forgive or move forward. And it seems that they are using you and preying on your feelings of guilt to get what they can from you. As long as you continue to allow this, you'll never be free. And neither will they. I don't believe God would have any of you live year after year under such bondage. Perhaps the most loving thing you can do for everyone concerned is tell them that enough is enough--it's time to move forward, and you won't let them manipulate you any longer by guilt. You can let them know you still love them and want them in your life, but not they way they have been. If they refuse to let the relationships grow beyond this, then put some distance between you. It will be painful, but no more painful than living with this sort of misery. May God be with you every step of every day.

Very well said, Eleanor. It is impossible to have a real relationship with anyone who will not do their share of the work to make it work.

 

[forgivenmuch]

thank you for your comments.. they really help me see what others feel .. i thought everyone would hate me ..and my husband.. but Gods grace is ever present

 

[fishstix]

Keep praying about the situation and for everyone involved. I may be misunderstanding what you intended to say, but it sounds almost like you have tried to use money/gifts to pay for what happened. But the problem is that a situation like that can never be resolved with things - no matter how much money you invest in trying to repair the damage, money will never do it. The price for that repair is more than all the wealth in the world. And often, money and things make the situation worse, like throwing gasoline on a fire. The recipient of the stuff may start to feel cheapened by them, as if they are only worth however much they are getting, like they are being bought. And then if the money/gifts stop maybe they are no longer worth anything. Yet more gifts/money only make the situation worse. It's a vicious circle. And sometimes the recipients can start to take advantage of the situation and basically withold their love unless they get paid for it. Like I said, no amount of money can ever fix that kind of thing. Only God can repair the kind of problem you described. You mentioned that you can no longer afford to give things or do things like you used to for them. Maybe that could be a positive thing if it causes you to rely on God more to fix the problem instead of trying to patch things up by yourself. It will probably be hard for everyone to adjust, but I would suggest that extra gifts/money/etc. over and above what you would be doing/giving had nothing ever occurred should probably stop. Instead, pray and try talking things over.

 

[forgivenmuch]

sorry

 

[fishstix]

Well, like I said, only God can bring healing to those wounds. Just keep praying.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

You have done everything right but your sister and neice have used this whole thing as a way to 'push your buttons' and manipulate you. I agree with the posts that say you need to put a little distance between you guys...doing so in love, of course. It may be painful at first but your sister and neice both need to grow up and realize what's done is done and cannot be taken back and that deliberately causing you pain is not going to make it any better for them. I think giving them space may help the situation. Your sticking by your husband through all of this does not mean you are abandoning your family. It means you are keeping one of God's commandments. Bless you!!!!

Just keep praying and doing as God instructs. Romans 8:28

 

[TheMainException]

keep loving them but keep your distance

 

[e8514]

Sounds like a very difficult situation. I would say for now to interceed to the Lord and let him handle the situation. Keep showing love but let God deal with it. I will keep you in my prayers.


God Bless

 

[forgivenmuch]

prayer as always

 

[rockwell]

please dont judge me.. i have been thru hell on earth in the past 9 yrs

it all started when i was married for 3 yrs. i would always have my 2 neices come over and stay the night. we were all close. it seemed as though they were my kids too. my one neice was 15 and the other 16
we would all sleep together in the same bed.. it was not out of the ordinary for us. i see now that it was.. i would sleep on one side of the bed next to my husband..my two nieces would sleep at the foot of the bed. well one night .. my husband and neice got out of bed and went into the living room.. and i was asleep.. with my other niece in the bed. and they was playing a game.. on super nitendo.. and then one thing led to another.. with them 2.. but they did not have sexual intercorse. she was 15 my husband was 25 and then.. 2 weeks went by.. and she finally told what had happened.. i was very devastated.. my heart was crushed in everyway possible. and i took time out to talk to my husband.. and i tried to understand why he done this.. that was one of the most hurt feelings one could ever feel.. he cryed to me and said..he was very sorry.. and he wanted counsling.. at that time..my life was not good anyway.. i had a very bad raising. i was very abused as a kid.. and i know that my mind was not where it is now..after many yrs of counsling and seeking God. so at that time i choosed to stay with him..
everyone in my family was so dead to the fact of what really happened..i could not deal with it ..at all.. i would have an anxiety attack over the mention of it all.. it was so bad.. well it took 5 yrs ..that i had to face up with all that had happened in my life and what he done.
and why i was attracted to a person like that to begin with.. my life growing up was bad.. my dad was an alcholic and also sexually abused my sister for along time..we lived very poor and we got beatings .. and there are 8 kids in our family.. my husband has never done anything like that..he is very shameful of what he did..he knows the damage he has caused my niece.. he has talked to her and my sister..alot about it.. he has been thru counsling..and most of all ... turned to God.. and i forgave him and so i thought my sister and i can understand that she will never forgive ... thats understandable to me.. i have a 3 yr old son by my husband.. and he is our life... i see how much having a kid..will make you grow up and see life as it is.. my niece dont like me or him..and that is understandable.. i wished so much that she could forgive him..and me in her heart.. my sister and i have a realtionship..and so has my husband with all of them... but they always bring up to him what he has done.. i want a realtionship with my sister ..and my niece. they will have one ..when it comes to money..or buying for them..i have tried everyway..and so has my husband to make up for the wrong .. that has happened..and they wont never let it end..my husband went and cosigned for my niece..to get her a new car..and she still hates him.. and i have went and got my sister many things ..to let her see that we are sorry..we have talked about to her so much..she tells me..that she knows my husband is changed..and then the next month..she throws it back to our face..we have been nothing but good to them.. i would never be mean to my sister or niece. its been almost 10 yrs ..now..and she throws it up ..to me ..as it was yesterday.. and i hurt all over again.. i love my husband..i love them also..im torn in the middle.. my husband sees the damage he has done and he feels really bad. i know God has forgave him..and i know that my sister will never or my niece.. i want a realtionship with them.. and i have indured alot of pain and heartache because i have stayed with my husband thru this. i am to the point of telling my sister i cant deal with the wishy washy feelings.. she loves me when i give to her and do for her...and if i dont..she throws all that back up to me to bring me down.. the past 9 yrs have been this way.. i dont think there is ever going to be a complete healing there.. i have prayed and wept before God so much... i still do.. i will never get over this.. i try and then..its throwed back up..i have dealt time and time again with it.. i dont know what else to do..but to end my realtionship with my sister.. i will never get over what my husband did.. the pain will always be there. i never took him over my niece and my sister ..i always told him ..he was very wrong. when we all talked.. i want to have my sister in my life..but ..she cant i guess..and i have to accept that... i have to let go..so i can live..10 yrs is long enough..and i cant bear it anylonger..i have my son ..to take care of now.. and i cant buy for her and do for her like i did.. i feel like me and my husband has paid for what he done.. and God forgave us.. she told me i would always be indebted to her..and i may be.. but i cant live under this bandage anymore... we have 2 more yrs on my nieces car before she pays it off...she owes almost 7 grand on it.. the car was a 20 grand car.. and i am trying to get thru that.. its been rough for me..over the last almost 10 yrs..if anyone has any advice..please post it.. you most likely cant hurt me.. if you post bad..i have heard it all and seen it all..but my question is..what should i do..concerning my sister and niece? should i just live my life and cut them out? or should i keep trying.. i dont know.. please leave comments.. thank you.for reading..

I agree with you and i dont think you or your husband are doing anything wrong at the moment. We all make mistakes - what can we do, we are humans so i guess the fact that your sister has to bring this up EVERY time is (maybe) bacause she has issues in her life that she has not quite dealt with. I've seen people in similar circumstances many times and normally it's something that comes from early childhood years - was she the one who was abused???

I guess you better start praying that your sister might have a real encounter with God and that the Lord might heal her. (inner healing) If your husband has asked for forgiveness already he's been forgiven by God, hopefully by you and if your sister has'nt forgiven your husband yet then maybe the devil is doing a good job with her in the sense that she cant forgive.

Dont let anything or anyone make you feel bad, we've all done terrible things in life but just make sure that you guys are right with God and things will be ok.