I always fall for the wrong guy

[welshchick]

i'm falling for the wrong guy - again. does anyone else have this problem? there aren't really any guys that i like in my life at the moment, but over the last few weeks i've started having feelings for one of my friends. i'm just really attracted to his character as a person - he's just really humble and sweet, and i find that so endearing and attractive! he's also not bad looking, and he's quite outgoing too which is great. he's 2 years older than me which is perfect, and he's a strong Christian. up to this point everything seems kind of perfect.

BUT..... he's Pakistani and wants to marry a Pakistani girl (i'm not sure if he really wants to do this, or if it's just that his parents want him to). and he also wants to go back to Pakistan in the future, which isn't really where i want to end up. so basically, it wouldn't work, and he probably doesnt like me in the same sort of way due to this too. but my feelings keep getting stronger - it's like my heart is battling against my head! i don't want to get drawn into an emotional rollercoaster ride again, because this same kind of thing happened last semester (well not exactly the same - but i fell for the wrong guy, and it hurt a lot).
We just went out for a walk together (just ourselves) earlier in the dark - just to get out, and we've started hanging out a lot (normally with a few other friends) - more than we used to.

i know i need to pray about it. i know that i shouldnt let my feelings slide because it looks like it wouldn't work out anyway. but does anyone else ever find this? i didn't mean to do this, it's just happened

 

[1god4me]

I guess I have a similar problem. I keep falling for girls that have been significantly hurt in the recent past and dispite how much they like me they just do not have it in them to get too deep into another relationship. It goes for a few weeks and then I get hurt. It really sucks.

 

[Chajara]

Stop hanging out with him. Just for the time being anyway. You have to learn when to say no to your feelings... they can be controlled. I only learned to do it after being hurt many times. Anyway, you have to spend less time with him and more time distracting yourself with other things. Meet other men, go do some volunteer work, start a project with your home, offer to babysit some kids, anything. Eventually you'll be able to think clearly and logically again.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Always falling for the wrong guy? Yep - I know that feeling.

If your differences are a big deal (which they seem to be) its best to just end things now, than to drag it out causing more hurt feeling.

I'll be praying that God gives you the wisdom to do His will.

 

[london boy]

Hi welshchick,

Don't worry, it's something which applies to me too. I keep falling for the wrong girls and this pattern never seems to change. I don't get seriously interested in a woman too often because I have very high standards and when things don't work out as planned, it really hurts because of the level of expectation. I told a close friend of mine on Valentine's Day how I wanted to be with her, but sadly, she doesn't feel that way. She just wants to be close friends. The important thing is that if you're meant to be together, your lives should be heading in the same direction. If his heart is set on moving to Pakistan, it is more than likely that that is where God wants him to be. Pray about it. Be patient. You never know things may change. God will bring you both together if that's His will for your lives. Try to focus your thoughts on other things, the feelings should die down as a result.

Take care and God bless you,

Daniel

 

[Sketcher]

How long have you known this guy? It's easy to get infatuated with new people.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Wrong girl. Used too. Then I stopped rushing into dating, got to be friends with girls, found out what they're all about, stayed protected, didn't hurt them either.

But yeah, I know where you;re coming from on this one.

Patience and devine intervention has been saving my butt regularly though.

 

[mixiejoeusa]

I understand, if u are feeling too attached, give yourself some space so u can understand how u r feeling.

 

[reverie_maiden]

Yeah, know that feeling. Except the guys I fall for...I tend to have met online, they live thousands of miles away, they aren't Christian, and some of them smoked. I agree with everyone else in here...distance from him right now may be a good thing.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Stop hanging out with him. Just for the time being anyway. You have to learn when to say no to your feelings... they can be controlled. I only learned to do it after being hurt many times. Anyway, you have to spend less time with him and more time distracting yourself with other things. Meet other men, go do some volunteer work, start a project with your home, offer to babysit some kids, anything. Eventually you'll be able to think clearly and logically again.

I very strongly concur with this advice. Keep your distance. Also, pray that God remove your feelings for this guy as this can quickly esculate to lust. I just went through this not too long ago, and keeping my distance really helped me out a lot.

Just a thought-God might be trying to teach you a lesson here, or He may be trying to conform you more to Him during this trial. Thinking back over my own trial I can clearly see how God was using my feelings and certain situations to conform me to His own image.

DW

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

LOL, we all have this problem!

True, cause, if we were all falling for the right people we'd be in the marriage forum

 

[Stanfi]

I guess the good news is that you have learned from the lessons of the past, and are aware of where this road could be leading.

Our emotions can really mess with us, cause of a bunch of unwanted trouble. So, I think it may be time for a little reality check.

1. This guy wants to go back to Pakistan, and you don't. That is a problem!
2. His folks want him to marry a Pakistani girl. Something I learned, if a kid and their parents are close. It is near impossible for them to do something against their parents wishes.. even choosing whom to marry.
3. You are uncertain of his feelings towards you. If feelings aren't mutual, pain always happens, that is just the way it is.

As mentioned perhaps the best thing to do is give yourself some space, and seperate yourself from him for a while. Give yourself time to think about the situation objectively.

It does get frustrating when their is no one in our lives that we like. It seems we find ourself looking around and saying "Hey your close enough, you'll do!"

 

[Silver Speak]

True, cause, if we were all falling for the right people we'd be in the marriage forum

Hah, good point! Hey, I've fallen for about a zillion wrong guys but wrong guys fall for me too -things even out. Okay, seriously now (that was true, though), when I look back I laught at myself for my poor judgemental. It all boils down to one choice: are you gonna trust yourself or God finding a 'good fit'? It doesn't take a lot of intelligence answering that (but practicing it is a whole different thing, admittedly). Guys come and go. Don't waste time and energy for someone you can't be with.

 

[Chajara]

Hah, good point! Hey, I've fallen for about a zillion wrong guys but wrong guys fall for me too -things even out. Okay, seriously now (that was true, though), when I look back I laught at myself for my poor judgemental. It all boils down to one choice: are you gonna trust yourself or God finding a 'good fit'? It doesn't take a lot of intelligence answering that (but practicing it is a whole different thing, admittedly). Guys come and go. Don't waste time and energy for someone you can't be with.

I agree. Dating is discouraging. It seems like every time I like a guy, once I really get to know him he has some personality flaw that I can't stand. Whether it's being a womanizer, being too clingy, never talking, being an arrogant jerk who hates everyone, being too shy to communicate feelings, or being far too playful. Yet somehow I still have faith that I'll find someone. Go figure. I need to stop feeling obligated (which is what happens when I feel I've led a guy on) and start telling them all that it's just not going to work because of the clashes in personality. Easier said than done though.

 

[Niels]

That sort of thing has happened to me several times. I try to find encouragement in it as a sign that there are, in fact, women out there who I'd otherwise get along great with... but given the circumstances it's best not to pursue anything. He sounds like a good person, just not a great match for you. Chin up. You'll meet the right guy soon enough.

 

[John of Berkshire]

The problem is that most people think with their eyes. Most won't admit that, even to themselves, but its the truth.

The other problem that it seems some have is that when they view a potential mate, they take in all of the good points and block all of the bad points. They ignore all of the bad attributes and only come to realize them after they've entered the relationship.

Another reason for this is some form of neurosis. There are some people who are afraid to get too close, or cannot commit to relationships; there are a myriad of neurotic behaviors that one could suffer from, and these individuals often sabotage their own relationships to escape. Sometimes they do it knowingly and sometimes the do it subconsciously.

A fourth and final major component of "falling for the wrong guy" issue, and probably equally or moreso integral in the whole affair is the guy's (and girls do it too) attempt to invent a character that is not his own. They find a potential mate, discern exactly what she is looking for, and then they invent those attributes for themselves. They will be sensitive, intelligent, athletic; They will be whatever they think you want them to be. Again, this is sometimes done consciously, and also subconsciously. After a time, the girl has either found out on her own that the guy is a phony, he gives up pretending once he is comfortable with you knowing who he really is, or he gets you in the sack and his mission is accomplished.


I am sure that you fit one or more of the above profiles.

 

[JPPT1974]

What happens if this person is handsome or beautiful on the outside but on the inside can be ugly as "sin" and that they just want to take advantage of you? I mean it is always the good ones are taken but the bad ones are left hanging out to dry? Sad but true!! Only God knows what the present as well as future holds for us only if we lean on Him for support and encouragement.

 

[Silver Speak]

I agree. Dating is discouraging. It seems like every time I like a guy, once I really get to know him he has some personality flaw that I can't stand. Whether it's being a womanizer, being too clingy, never talking, being an arrogant jerk who hates everyone, being too shy to communicate feelings, or being far too playful. Yet somehow I still have faith that I'll find someone. Go figure. I need to stop feeling obligated (which is what happens when I feel I've led a guy on) and start telling them all that it's just not going to work because of the clashes in personality. Easier said than done though.

I know what you're talking about and, well, I have a weird taste anyway. So, when another mr. wrong comes along, you just have to tell yourself "I can do better". (Not meaning a 'better' person but a better match.)

 

[welshchick]

I apologise that I haven't replied to this thread sooner, but i've not had access to a computer with internet for a few days, but now i am back

I've known this guy for about 8 months - since he started at my college, so i don't have infatuation with a new person who i've just met. the alst few months have been pretty hectic with work and placement stuff as well as people away on mission trips etc, so it's been ahrd to really gel and bond with a lot of people at college because of all this happening. but since i moved into college dorms (about 6 weeks ago) i've started to really build on my friendships at college - when you live with people you get to know them much better! Although this guy doesn't live in the same block as me, we've just spent a lot of time together as we get on well (we always have) and the last few weeks we've had time as there hasn't been much going on at college apart from work, so we've tended to get together with a few other close friends to go and chill out, just to get away from essays etc. i think part of my problem is that there haven't been any guys around over the last few months that i've liked in any shape or form, and since i've gotten to know this guy better, and seen his personality there have been quite a few things that i've been attracted to. however, all your replies are right - we're not compatible. that's it. how can a relationship ever work if we're going in different directions? it just wouldn't. so i've decided to just not even go there. i spent the whole day with him yesterday - we went to church together, he cooked lunch for me, went out in the afternoon and went to church again together in the evening, and during this time i really thought about it hard and decided no. at least definitely not yet. my situation or future plans/aspirations may change. but as things are at the moment - it just wouldn't work unfortunately

one of my friends said today that he really wanted to speak to her, and joked to me that maybe he wanted to speak to her about me. this really got me nervous and a bit upset, especially after what i'd decided yesterday. anyway it transpired that what he wanted to speak to her about was nothing about me. my friend did ask me if i would go out with him if he asked me, and i lean more to 'no' than 'yes', so i guess that is good.

i just wish (and often pray) that there would be a guy who is right and compatible for me around! i know that it all has to be in God's Will and time, but sometimes it does get hard, especially when you're of the age where all you're friend seem to start getting married etc!