Husband's Decisions

[Ruthie]

My husband and I have been married eleven years. We have two children. Throughout that time both he and I have struggled in our walk, and I'm not sure this even belongs in the unequally yoked folder, but it was the closest I could think to cover our relationship.

Over the years my husband has been unfaithful many times (I have left and returned when he seemed to have changed). Right now I don't know that he's being unfaithful, but I suspect he might be (just no proof).

My biggest struggle now is with my husband's financial choices. I stopped working five years ago. During that time, to my knowledge, he has not paid taxes, he has bought things that weren't necessary and we have done without the basics, he has borrowed money from others without asking me what I thought and he has borrowed money and not repaid it.

Yesterday he came home with a piece of electronic equipment and installed it. Apparently he had a disagreement with one of the people he worked for about money that they had not paid him, so he took this piece of equipment that has been in his car, and they had forgotten about, and claimed it for his own.

How do I stand up for what I believe under these circumstances? How do I show my children what is right? Do I allow them to use this electronic equipment? If not, how do I explain my reluctance to allow it?

Ruthie

 

[Suzannah]

Dear Ruthie,
It seems to me that the first step is to confront your husband on his theft of the equipment. You are right; it is theft and not legally or morally "his". You will have to state your position clearly, with no ambiguity and make it very clear that he needs to clean up his act. I believe that after you take this step, you might have a clearer picture of not only who you married, but what you should do next.
Let us know how it turns out!

 

[William Nunn]

You are this man's partner in life - don't be a silent partner. You need to stand up to this man - if not for yourself, then for your children. They will learn from his actions and his way of life - if you have a son e may come to think that it's okay to be a philanderer and not take care of his family financially. If you have daughters, they may come to believe that it's okay for a husband to behave that way. No matter what gender your children are, he is teaching them that stealing is okay. It won't be fun, it won't be easy, but you need to tell your children not to use this equipment, and tell your husband why they won't be.

 

[Follower of Christ]

My husband and I have been married eleven years. We have two children. Throughout that time both he and I have struggled in our walk, and I'm not sure this even belongs in the unequally yoked folder, but it was the closest I could think to cover our relationship.

Over the years my husband has been unfaithful many times (I have left and returned when he seemed to have changed). Right now I don't know that he's being unfaithful, but I suspect he might be (just no proof).

My biggest struggle now is with my husband's financial choices. I stopped working five years ago. During that time, to my knowledge, he has not paid taxes, he has bought things that weren't necessary and we have done without the basics, he has borrowed money from others without asking me what I thought and he has borrowed money and not repaid it.

Yesterday he came home with a piece of electronic equipment and installed it. Apparently he had a disagreement with one of the people he worked for about money that they had not paid him, so he took this piece of equipment that has been in his car, and they had forgotten about, and claimed it for his own.

How do I stand up for what I believe under these circumstances? How do I show my children what is right? Do I allow them to use this electronic equipment? If not, how do I explain my reluctance to allow it?

Ruthie

This sounds just like a friend of mine....
We cant prove that he has cheated but when we found him on his back on his bed with a womans face, who is not his wife, just about the uh......hmmm.....well, you know the area I mean................we all suspected something was up.

He does the same stuff to his family with finances as well.
He buys cars he cant afford, then doesnt pay the bill so they get repoed.
He buys all sorts of electronic gadgets and things that end up in a box on the fridge when the newness wears off.........
One night he got mad at his wife and took their last $100 for like 10 days or so and went and got himself a room and had a few drinks......

Well all this happens while the utilities are being turned off, the fridge and the cabinets are bare and the kids really dont have the clothing and shoes and stuff they need............they do however have that Playstation 2 that dad wanted to buy them so much.

Well, hes borrowed money off of family and friends so much and never repays that his own father and brother pretty much told him not to call or visit for a while so they could calm down.

He found a new friend in the internet in SC.........actually it was the woman whos face was in his lap later.........and he was borrowing money off of her and not repaying it as well..........

Now heres the kicker...........the man makes about $27.000 a year and his wife make over $30,000........
NO reason to even be borrowing at that income level except to purchase a house.

Sister, you are in my prayers........I have seen what this man has done to his family and I sympathize with any good woman who has to deal with a man who will not provide in the manner he should.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Your husband sounds like a waste of space, get rid is my advice, you will probably sleep much better at night!

 

[SirKenin]

My husband and I have been married eleven years. We have two children. Throughout that time both he and I have struggled in our walk, and I'm not sure this even belongs in the unequally yoked folder, but it was the closest I could think to cover our relationship.

Over the years my husband has been unfaithful many times (I have left and returned when he seemed to have changed). Right now I don't know that he's being unfaithful, but I suspect he might be (just no proof).

My biggest struggle now is with my husband's financial choices. I stopped working five years ago. During that time, to my knowledge, he has not paid taxes, he has bought things that weren't necessary and we have done without the basics, he has borrowed money from others without asking me what I thought and he has borrowed money and not repaid it.

Yesterday he came home with a piece of electronic equipment and installed it. Apparently he had a disagreement with one of the people he worked for about money that they had not paid him, so he took this piece of equipment that has been in his car, and they had forgotten about, and claimed it for his own.

How do I stand up for what I believe under these circumstances? How do I show my children what is right? Do I allow them to use this electronic equipment? If not, how do I explain my reluctance to allow it?

Ruthie

What a sad story

You aren't called to live in sin, so you could tell him to get that piece of equipment out of the house. It's stolen. Possession of stolen property is a criminal offence, just like theft. You don't want to be exposed to that, I'm sure.

If he's also been unfaithful, I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore and I would have walked away. The other things make me think he has an illness. Anyways... You have far more strength than I do, I freely admit.

 

[DatingSmarts]

follower of christ,

it sounds like the man you are referring to is manic-depressive. therefore, she is eligible for divorce and annulment, since he is not able to meet the requirements for a sacramental marriage

 

[Ruthie]

This afternoon I got a phone call from my husband to say he's bringing home the new car I didn't want. Earlier this year we lost my husband's car due to some rather disastrous circumstances (which surprisingly my husband was not responsible for) and so now he has borrowed money off friends to put a down payment on a new car.

We are two months behind in rent right now and he's buying a new car. I don't have a car or access to money to get out. I have not been to our regular church in three months because I haven't had my own vehicle and I have not felt comfortable using the car my husband was lent to work out of to drive anywhere and I'm pretty certain that our pastor would be unavailable anyway as he has been out of town a lot this last year.

Ruthie

 

[DawnMarie]

In all the bible studies I've been to, I'm seeing that divorce isn't the answer. I struggle with this question myself sometimes. I've seen it written in the Bible. Sometimes your husband's actions are truly out of your hands. You could certainly let it be known that you find it very disappointing that he's turned to robbery to pacify his emotions; and that you do not wish to participate by having his stolen property in the family's home.

Honestly...all I can think of is: go to the prayer requests section, and leave it in the Lord's hands. You and I can't reach our husbands. But there is SOMEONE else who can.

On the other hand, someone needs to raise your children right. It doesn't look as if your husband will be any help at all in this area. Sometimes, for your children to know right from wrong, you need to make it right. If it were me, I'd probably return it quietly to the owner, and I'd let my children know why: "It doesn't belong to us." Maybe God will work on your husband through your good examples.

In helping others, I realize that my situation could certainly extend beyond financial issues. I'll be praying for you.

 

[Lucubratus]

Ruthie -- I'll pray for you too. That's the kind of situation my Dad has been putting my Mom through, except for the sexual cheating part. (he cheats in other ways which to my Mom - is worse than sex)
My Mom even had Dad thrown in jail for some of the theft things but it didn't make him any better. He's still the same and they've been married like 40 years.
Praying it will pan out for you

 

[Keelie]

Ruthie,
I have real sympathy for you. Someone I am very close to is going through the same thing (financially, not sexually - well, not as far as I know). Her husband is incapable of stopping himself from spending money - it is like a disease. And he is also seemingly is incapable of telling the truth. She is constantly finding hidden purchases and debts and the like. The odd thing is that I think he genuinely loves her.

In her case, she opted to stay married, but to legally separate their finances. She had it done by a lawyer, and is protected against liability and bankruptcy (which seems to be on the horizon for him). The key is that the house is in her name, and in such a way that it can't be taken away regardless of his financial indiscretions. I don't know if this is possibility for you or not. (If there is a law school near you, they can be a good source of cheap legal advise, BTW).

I agree with the others - you can't have the equipment in your house. Besides the example set for the children, you could be letting yourself in for legal problems. Unless you feel your husband would be angry enough to hurt you, I would physically remove it from the house and, if possible, return it anonymously.

Is there another clergy person who might be able to reach husband? It does sound like he is wrestling with some serious issues that may require some professional intervention. Of course, in those cases it seems like people are the most resistant to help. But perhaps a minister outside your church could assess the situation freshly, its effects on you and your children, and advise you about the best path to take. My grandfather was a minister, and I know I saw he lot of this sort of thing.

I will pray for you and your family.
Keelie

 

[glmadmin]

Your answer is very simple and you know what it is. If you don’t then you should pick up your Bible and read it. The answer is, Be Honest. Don’t hide it, suppress it, or make it ok. Tell him what your feeling. Remind him that he is the leader of your family. Let Gods light shine through you. Gods light is wonderful. It will do two things here. First off it will light his way to the correct path. Second it will blind him to the wrong path.