husband stuggles

[PickleReed]

On Dec. 6 Me and my husband got a phone call saying that his father was in a car accident in Arizona. We flew out that bight and we got to the hospital very late. The ICU let us in and his dad was awake but had been in surgery all day so he was really tired. Seems that my husbands dad took himself to the hospital at 4 am and stayed for 5 hrs. they sent him home with pain meds for a upset stomach. 30 mins after he left the hospital he had an anerism burst and he died right there his truck went through a brick wall air born and onto another car. Care flight was called and they got him going again, They took him to a trama hospt. and they did emerency surgery. This 2nd hosp. and the care flight saved his life. Anyways, dad was in ICU for 12 days, he made it though a major surgery and a car acciedent and namonia ( sp?) He was doin' so good they moved him to the heart floor. He was there 2 days then they moved him to a regular floor. The nurse said she came around and dad said everything was okay, on here way back around 10 mins. later she said he wasn't breathing, she called code blue, they worked on him for 45 mins. And then called my husband at his fathers house. The was the worst phone call ever. The doctor said that Dad started coughing and choked, and vomited and instead of going out it went into his lungs. They got his lungs cleaned out but the heart said no more. My husband has been a mess. All he does is sleep, he won't go back to work, I know it's hard on him, but his behavior scares me. He has POA and he's suppose to be calling on the life insurances and stuff but he refuses. What can I do? I need help and prayer.

 

[Evening Mist]

Oh sweety! I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I am so sorry you all went through this. What a long and drawn out miserable ordeal.

Your husband must be hurting so much. Is there anyway you can help with the details that are hard for him? Calling in about the insurance maybe?

Have you talked with him? Is his job at risk because he hasn't been going in? What I'm asking is, can he afford to take this time to just greive and rest? That might be what he needs to do right now - though 2 months is a long time.

One of the things about being depressed is that you loose the motivation to do anything for yourself. Sometimes it helps if someone else kind of "jumpstarts" things for you. You can't make him happy again, you understand? He can't be happy right now, and it is okay for him to be sad. But maybe he would agree to talk with someone if *you* made arrangements? Would he let you set up an appointment for him to see a friend, or a counselor, or a pastor or someone? Is he talking to you about his feelings?

I hope you get through this soon. Keep posting.

 

[booger]

 

 

[seebs]

A lot of people can have a very hard time with grief. Your husband may need a lot of help coming to terms with his grief. It is possible that, if you call some of these places, and explain that you're calling on his behalf, you may be able to make progress.

 

[GodOwnsMe]

Father, please comfort PickleReed and her husband, and draw them all close to You. PLease help both of them fully rely on You here, and come to You with their pain & all, please restore them, carry them thru and out of this, and fill their hearts with Your love, joy, and peace. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen

 

[PickleReed]

Thank you for your replies, My husband works for my brother so there's no risk of losing his job. My brother understands, and is just waiting for my husbands phone call. Michael that's my husband, has two other brothers, their no help, cause they're so far offf into drugs and themselves that Dad didn't want them to handle anything. Michael knows he has to do the paper work and I have cut off about 22 credit cards and called to get the lights and phone shut off at his dad's place. I've called some insurances but they all want to talk to Michael. He's a recovery alcohoic and his depression scares me. He's been sober for 2 years, so a downfall can take him way back. Thank you for your prayers, I trying to get him to talk to someone, but you know men, if they won't talk to you they won't talk to anyone.

 

[DeputyDan]

Hey:

If possible you need to not be the lead person in your husbands situation. You need to get one of his good friends to accept responsibility for talking and helping your husband through this. I don't mean dealing with the emotions/etc. I mean dealing with the POA, financial, and legal issues of the death.

Then you can be supportive of that friend and what they say without being the "nagging" wife.

In addition, he definitely needs a professional to help him work through the emotional and depression issues.

 

[brindlepit]

PickleReed - he needs to handle the issue with his father and do it bravely. Things don't go away by ignoring them - that's why drinking becomes a problem in the first place. I understand how hard it is for him, but he needs to be the man and handle things for his family.

My mother-in-laws father died in '86. Her brother and father didn't get along and her brother refused to handle any of the issues regarding his death, so my mother-in-law did it all. Five years afterwards, the brother regrets every decision he made during that time - even simply, not helping/ handling all the issues.

My point - this is happening weather you or your husband refuses to admit it. God asks the man the be the leader of the family and in this situation - your husband needs to do everything he can to make it easier on everyone else to grieve and get through this. That doesn't mean building a wall around him, it means recognizing where he needs to be and the issues he needs to handle. The worst thing he can do is shut out the people who love him. Love and family are all you ever need in life, keep them close.

I'm a 10 yr drug and alcohol abuser - loser - and have been truly sober only 5 months. I'm confident in my life and through the strength of the Lord that I will never drink again. No situation ever is worth throwing my life away. IF your husband does drink again - so what - be there for him to continue his sobriety. It doesn't make him a bad person for wanting to escape. Everyone escapes - some use alcohol, some use drugs. Some shop and some eat. Deal with why they want to escape and not the vice they use to escape. Everyone will fail at one time or another - what we need is strength and support from our loved ones. If he fails, don't make him know that he failed, just try to get him back on the right path. Do it his way - the way he needs it and not the way you think is right. You made a commitment to him and all his issues. Be there for support in all the decisions he makes. He needs you help - love.

Prayer, love, and strength.

 

[slightlypuzzled]

Father, I pray that you will help to be strong and to do what he has to do to close the situation and to move on with his life. Help them to deal with the grief and attentedant situations of death. Bless them and heal them. Give him strength to find comfort in You. Amen.

All is good advice, you must be still to listen and draw strength for what you must do. May God bless you and your house and bring you peace.

 

[Talmid HaYarok]

Heh, I don't know if I'm the best to give advice because I've been suffering from a lot of depression myself lately.

I'd advise you to try and get him to do one easy thing per day. He's got to get back into the routine and its difficult. Too much too fast just makes one feel more depressed as all the work stacks up on you.

Can you afford a lawyer? It might be good to have one handle the insurance claims if you can. Even a Paralegal or P.I. might be able to handle some of the insurance claim work for you. Good luck.

 

[Ruhama]

It may be a relief to him for you to handle pretty much everything legal etc., even if it offends his pride.

Sometimes people, however much they consider themselves adult and responsible, need to be gathered in someone's arms like a child and shielded. If you stand between him and the world for a little time it may be what he needs.  It depends on the person however and you know him far better than I.

I also agree with Talmid.  Try not to let his depression be multiplied by feelings of guilt about his behavior if you can.  Even if it is perfectly justified sometimes -- I say this because he's obviously not in his right mind.  Get help from others if you can't handle it alone, but yes, if he can slowly get back on his feet with one easy task a day it would be good. 

And if he loses his job, tell him: we'll deal with it.  Later.  If you can say that and mean it.  If not, and it is worrisome to you, I recommend you don't speak of it. 

Hmm, and don't take this too hard!  It is often harder for the caretaker than the sufferer when one partner is down.  Remember that you are bearing a LOT!  Emotionally you are carrying the world, don't downplay it.  It is VERY draining, so remember that whatever feelings of exasperation, fatigue, craziness, whatever - are totally to be expected and you are right to feel them. 

 

[PickleReed]

Things have gotten worse, My husband has started using again, and it's a fight every time. I can't step back and watch him do this to himself, and I can't leave him either. I see the good in him and the hard time he's going through. The other day he wanted to leave in his car, well I jumped on the car, cause I knew if he left, it would be hours or days before he returned. I had a stand off with him for 5 hours. I couldn't let him leave, he's so depressed, I'm afraid he'll hurt himself. I need all the prayers you can give us. It's really ruff, and nothing seems to ease his pain.

 

[Talmid HaYarok]

I'm praying for you.

I hope you've told him what you just told us here. Peace.

 

[PickleReed]

Things are some what better, My hubby has gone back to work, and is working 6 out of 7, so he is keeping busy. I told him I wasn't gonna sit around and watch himself "use" again, that I would walk out. It was a fight but since he went back to work, he has stopped and things are getting better. Thanks for for prayers.

 

[GodOwnsMe]

 

[Mary B.]

I am praying for you and your husband.

I hope he comes around to get things straight, the grieving process is timeful. just hang in there sweetie things will get better with the help of the LORD.

The Lord hears his people when they call him for help. he recues them from all their troubles.... The righteous face many troubles, but the rescues them from each and every one. Psalm 34:17,19

Mary B.