Husband is unbearable

[byhisgrace8]

Hello all! I need advise. My husband whom I love is becoming unbearable toward my children. We have been together for 7 years and have always struggled with the issue of discipline. I have 2 children and he has 3 and we have 1 together. Only my 2 children and our mutual child live with us. My kids are 10 and 12 and the baby is 1 1/2. My husband makes the kids and myself feel that he hates them. He name calls, yells, demeans, embarrasses...all in the name of discipline. He says nothing else works. Not that this is working at all. My kids often ask me why I don't stick up for them and I feel so put in the middle. When I did stick up for them I was being told that I was giving into them and not obeying my husbands authority. My children ask me weekly to get a divorce. He works 16 hours a day and comes home all smiles and loving to our daughter but will then look at my son, point his finger and yell no bike for a month. When my son asked what he did my husband will say what you always do. Again, my son will say what did I do and my husband will say shut up and go to bed.
What do I do?

 

[Just4Jesus]

Hello all! I need advise. My husband whom I love is becoming unbearable toward my children. We have been together for 7 years and have always struggled with the issue of discipline. I have 2 children and he has 3 and we have 1 together. Only my 2 children and our mutual child live with us. My kids are 10 and 12 and the baby is 1 1/2. My husband makes the kids and myself feel that he hates them. He name calls, yells, demeans, embarrasses...all in the name of discipline. He says nothing else works. Not that this is working at all. My kids often ask me why I don't stick up for them and I feel so put in the middle. When I did stick up for them I was being told that I was giving into them and not obeying my husbands authority. My children ask me weekly to get a divorce. He works 16 hours a day and comes home all smiles and loving to our daughter but will then look at my son, point his finger and yell no bike for a month. When my son asked what he did my husband will say what you always do. Again, my son will say what did I do and my husband will say shut up and go to bed.
What do I do?

how sad for you all

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Well, you could pray if you aren't already doing this, but I think counseling and getting someone of authority at your church know what is going on so they can pray, counsel, and keep you two accountable.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

No man should come between you and your children. I say leave that jerk.

 

[TheDag]

Ok seem as you say you love your husband I assume you want to stay with him but you don't want the family torn apart either.

At the end of the day you have no real choice other than to sit down and talk with him about discipline methods. Have you explained how the kids feel when he won't explain why they are being punished? One should always explain even though you don't feel like it at times (I'm guilty of not doing this). Have you told him that the kids have asked you to divorce him because of this.

Try and work out some ground rules for discipline. Perhaps they could involve
1. Telling the child straight away what they have done wrong. Make it clear you will give them punishment after discussing it.
2. Have a cooling off period before handing out the punishment so it is not a punishment in anger
3. Agree to discuss the punishment with each other and decide on one together.


Finally let me make this absolutely clear, as a male, you are not expected to put yourself in a position of receiving repeated abuse. Let him know that you don't appreciate being spoken to like that and also what consequences there will be if it continues. Have it worked out beforehand what consequences you think are reasonable. I would suggest small steps so he has every opportunity to repent of this behaviour. At first he may not believe you and test you and after seeing you follow through change. Where if your first and only response is to divorce him then he may not ever change. Let him know that you would like counselling (assuming you do). Some relatives of mine have found things much easy after going to a family therapist. They set some family rules and also expectations of the kids after expecting nothing in the way of help from them for years.
Also make sure you have a support network to help you through this eg close friends.


I would imagine after working such long shifts he would naturally be tired and grumpy. Is there a chance his work can change? He also needs to understand that if the kids birth father is still involved then that is going to create more problems if they are copping abuse. Perhaps if you have a decent relationship with their father discuss with him discipline methods that work. Find out what he does. If he lets them get away with murder because he doesn't see them often then it will be difficult and there won't be much you can do to discipline them. No excuse for verbal abuse though.

 

[lisah]

No man should come between you and your children. I say leave that jerk.

I agree. If, after seven years of marriage, he is still very hateful it might be time to think about leaving.

A person can change their behavior, but they have to want to change inside. It seems evident that he does not to.

It also seems like he just doesn't like your children, and your children should not have to endure that either. Can they go to live with their father?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Try looking up Growing Kids God's Way. They should have online resources. We went throught the 18 week class at our church and the discipline does work without screaming and beating.

 

[Finn88]

Hiya!

Sounds like there's probably alot of underlying issues here which have little to do with the kids behaviour! The way you describe it dosn't sound like he is disciplining them at all, but just punishing them because he can.

Does your husband see the 3 kids he had from a previous relationship at all? If so, how is he with them? Also, how does he react to your youngest?

How was he with your kids before you got married? Has there been a change in his attitude towards them or a steady decline in his tolerance for them?

Ultimately you need to stand up to him because no matter how much you love him and dont want your family torn apart again, his behaviour towards you and the children is NOT acceptable.

You could try taking a break together. Send the kids, either to their Dads or a grandparent whatever is most appropriate, and take some time out with your husband. Let him unwind, and open up communication. Try to get him to tell you how he's feeling (I know, easier said than done with blokes) It could be that he's been bottling somthing up for a long time that is exploding over onto the children. And explain how you and the children are feeling and that it HAS to change! If you can get that far your onto a winner!

Some form of councelling would be the next step in my mind, either for him, or as a family, depending on what you feel the main root of the problem is. Lots of prayer as a family too. Then you could discuss APPROPRIATE discipline techiniques for when the kids really do need it. But at the moment I really dont think they are at fault here!

I pray that you guys can find peace without another family break up

Finnx

 

[susie1979]

Well for me my husband doesn't displine my children at all. He will tell them to stop or send them to their rm. But they don't listen to him caus mst of the time he jus comes and tells me. I always tell him he needs to displine them or they will nev take him serious. It frustrating.

 

[Grace51]

well if i am not a christian, i would divorce him immediately. but judging from what you have described. it sounds like your kids didnt do anything to deserve it. that said, you didnt really mention what exactly they have done, i mean were there a time when they were disrespectful towards your husbands, and your husband tried everything but nothing worked, hence he become the way he is now? what i mean is whether your husband behaviours is something that been building up for a long time.

that said, it is still no excuse to behave the way he did. Anyway, it might be good for you your kids and your husband to have a joint counselling session, where both your husband and your kids feel safe to express what they feel towards eachother and why, and hopefully the family counsellor will be able to help your family from that point on. sometimes you have to open a wound on purpose in order for it to heal properly. And you will need to work with both sides to achieve result.

And what is happening with your husband spiritual life. pray for both him and the kids and put your problem in Lord's hand.

 

[Avniel]

No man should come between you and your children. I say leave that jerk.

You should never suggest someone should leave their spouse. What good has brung......you know the rest. I'm not speaking up for him I'm just saying you shouldn't advise that