Husband is addicted to computer games...

[MauiMamma]

Well, it looks like I finally found the correct thread to post on, I hope.

I am a 40 y.o. wife of 2 yrs and mother to a beautiful 1 1/2 y.o. baby boy.

I'm not quite sure where to start, not wanting to go on for days, but basically, it seems my marriage is heading for divorce.

My husband is 35 y.o. whose life is consumed by computer game playing. If left to do as he pleases, he will easily spend 12+ hours (2-5hrs on average) straight playing with no acknowledgement of me and our son. No regard for the rest of the world, our lives, etc.
There are other problems (financial/hygiene/cleanliness/temper/toughness/general inconsideration & carelessness) as well, but this seems to be the biggest and the basis of many of our problems and conflicts.

I'm not quite sure what type of outcome I am seeking here, but I guess I've just gotten to my whits ends and feel like I have few options and places to turn. I think getting Christian perspectives on this is very important to me as well.

My husband and I have struggled with trying to mend this marriage for all 2 years now. We have sought counseling...3 to be exact, 1 was our pastor. Nothing seemed to help and bring about any real change. It has completely worn me down and more than anything, I am concerned about my son's well being. This environment he has experienced is not healthy.

I guess ultimately, I feel like my husband has already abandoned us.

Any advice/help/information, particularly from those in similar situations, is very welcomed. I would kindly appreciate any prayers, as well.

God bless you.

 

[PinkTulip]

You are so not the first person to go through this. Have you set aside family time? Would he commit to one day a week where you and he can be alone? Maybe through this he will understand how important his family is. It is also time where you can talk things through.

Is he Christian? DH and I am taking The Marriage Course right now just to improve our marriage. It is really good, and I highly recommend it.

 

[MauiMamma]

You are so not the first person to go through this. Have you set aside family time? Would he commit to one day a week where you and he can be alone? Maybe through this he will understand how important his family is. It is also time where you can talk things through.

Is he Christian? DH and I am taking The Marriage Course right now just to improve our marriage. It is really good, and I highly recommend it.

Thanks for the reply.

We have tried many times to set aside family time. When we do, 1) he considers it nagging that I request it and 2)when we actually follow through with it, he is in a bad mood and short tempered and just seems like his mind is preoccupied and just waiting to get back to gaming. Nothing is very enjoyable to him like playing video games.

We have tried talking, but our communication is terribly fractured and impared. We have seen 3 different councelors regarding this, including 1 pastor and 1 Christian councelor. We have been talking about it and working on it for the 3 years we have known eachother.
He says he is a Christian but so far his life doesn't show many signs of that. His priorities are completely mixed up.

I have heard of the Marriage Course. I heard it is good. I will check it out.

Thanks for your imput and suggestions.

God bless you.

 

[giftofmusic]

oh girlfriend .....
im in the same boat....

we are taking a marriage course....hopefully it will help a bit....

its so sad they are so wrapped up in those games.....i am identical to your situation.....im to the point if he doesnt make some drastic changes its over....

maybe we can be a source of encouragement to each other....let me know how things are going....

 

[Autumnleaf]

Are you good at misdirecting him? If his parts are working you should have an edge on computer games.

 

[Christianfantasy]

Your husband is suffering from an extremely serious disorder known as Addiction/Dysfunction. The reason counseling hasn’t helped is that few counselors, and from what I have seen even fewer pastors, have a clue when it comes to Addiction/Dysfunction. Here are some facts to consider:

(1) Without intervention, A/D invariably worsens. Addictions deepen and proliferate, and take an increasing toll on the addict’s work, health, family, and needless to say, spiritual life.

(2) Anyone living in constant association with an addict sooner or later develops addictions of their own. (For instance, you mention a prayer request to lose weight. I’m willing to bet your struggle with overeating either started or intensified after several years of close association with your A/D husband.)

(3) A person develops A/D as a means of *not* dealing with painful issues. For instance, if a person has a bad childhood, and reaches adulthood with unhealed wounds and scars, he or she may turn to an addiction to numb the resulting pain. It works in the short run; playing video games, drinking, drugs, or even indulging in such addictions as pornography and/or sex buffers a person from deeper experiences of emotional and psychological pain. Because of the persistence of emotional pain, however, the addict must continually sink deeper into an ever proliferating range of addiction. [Additional addictions can include caffeine, cigarettes, food, a range of internet activities, and all the aforementioned habits/addictions.]

(4) As a rule, an addict will not deal with the problem until it becomes more painful than the pain it is used to mask. It’s the same in other areas of our lives; for example, a person won’t opt to endure the pain and expend the time and money associated with a root canal until the pain and lost time of dealing with a rotting nerve becomes an even greater liability. In the same way, the most Addictive/Dysfunctional person I know has already lost his family and much of his health—the latter permanently—to his addictions, and yet his response is to enmesh himself ever more deeply in the latter. It’s possible his addictions will end up killing him without his having ever made a serious effort to break the cycle. Only time will tell.

The good news is that God is greater than any kind of addiction. What is more, He wasn’t blindsided by your decision to marry a man bedeviled by Addiction/Dysfunction; He knew from the beginning of time that you would marry this man, and still His promise for working all things out for the good of those who love Him holds true.

Here is my advice to you. Get a copy of Adult Children of Alcoholics: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, by the Friels [and please don’t be put off by the title; the book deals comprehensively with Addiction/Dysfunction and codependency, and has applications far broader than simply the children of alcoholics and the people who marry them] and read it. Then look for a counselor who ***specializes*** in dealing with addicts and, if you can afford it, go for some personal sessions. Figure out how you are going to get your life together. Not how you are going to fix your husband’s life--though of course you should always pray for him, as I’m sure you do--but how you are going to get *your* life on track. Find a support group if you can, and then follow through--even if it means leaving your husband at least temporarily. Sometimes that is what it takes to wake an addict up, and get him to genuinely grasp the seriousness of the problem, and desire to seek help and try to change. Certainly for as long as you enable him, he won’t make the monumental effort required to deal not only with his Addiction/Dysfunction, but with whatever it was that drove him there in the first place. It won’t be easy, but God will be with you every step of the way. Many blessings!

 

[brokenman]

Computer games were a problem in my marriage. My wife left me, not for this reason...but I didn't really see it as a problem to she had gone. Looking at it now in the past I may see it as a problem then her, don't get me wrong it was a problem...but like I said, I didn't see it as a problem after she left. It could of been time I spent with her.

 

[Thankful4HIM]

We have problems with this too.
What I've done lately is I'll take his power cord and hide it. I'll let him be on for an hour to do whatever he wants, but then I take the cord. I've told him if he doesn't grow up I'll throw his computer away. He deleted the game. I've also told him that, if he wants to do junk on the comp. then do it when we go to bed or something... he's been SOMEWHAT better about his time on the comp. but he still has issues, and it's not always gaming.. it can be just youtubing, googling, emails.. whatever

 

[babygurl2006]

ok so im a lil late on this one but-i am going through the same thing now with my husband,ive been fighting it for 7 years now. im not sure if i stay because of my kids or that i really want to stay,because im happier here.i have prayed for answers and waited for things to change. regreatfully-nothing yet-but however,we as sisters can pray for strength,to endure what god has set for us.ill be praying for you,your babies and your marrage,and your strength-god bless you