donnamabob,
Some of the ways you describe the problem seem vague to me. You wrote,
It's not that he doesn't talk, he'll talk my ear off about any kind of surface subject, but the second the conversation goes below the surface, he shuts down entirely.
What does 'below the surface' mean? How do you categorize discussion as surface or below the surface? Is it like if he talks about how smooth his new truck changes gears, that's surface, but if he talks about his inner wounds as a child, that's below the surface? Does talking about values, goals, dreams, or anything personal qualify as below the surface?
I wonder if your husband doesn't know what you want, exactly, or just doesn't feel able to give it. If my wife wanted me to have conversation with her that was more 'deep', I'd be unsure what she meant, and I would need a lot more detail. You mentioned a book. Did the book hit on the exact types of behaviors and conversation topics you want to talk about with him? Did you explain to him in detail what exactly you would like for him to open up about? If you ask him a question, and he responds, is that okay with you, or would you only be satisfied if he voluntarily shared about his feelings, goals, values, or other personal things without your having to ask questions to get it out of him?
He may feel like he says what is on his mind, and wonder why you aren't satisfied with his just being himself. Have you asked him if he is frustrated by your attempts at asking for intimate conversation? Well, maybe he wouldn't feel comfortable talking about his feelings. Do you get the feeling he is trying to be a good husband but just doesn't get what you want from him, or feels like you are asking him to be something that he can't be? Or do you get the sense that he just doesn't care? If he shuts down when conversation about painful topics comes up, that's probably just the way he's trained to be, and probably doesn't realize he can act another way. He's probably not thinking, "I'm not going to open up for this women. I know she wants me to, but I'm going to hold out on her. Bwahahaha."
If someone were to ask me what my mood is or how I am feeling right now, I wouldn't know how to respond. I just feel regular and normal. I suppose I could say I feel engaged, too, since I am writing this message. But I don't have a lot of emotional words to describe my state right now. Ask me after a joke and I might be able to say more. I wonder if women come up with more adjectives when asked questions like that.
He literally will not say a word. I've seen tears well up in his eyes, but a word will not leave his lips. He's terrified, and it was always this way with us, so I know that it wasn't something that I did to put him in that state. I see that his father is this way as well, so it's no surprise where he learned it. It took me awhile to even know for certain that he had feelings in there at all, and I've struggled with the idea that he may have a personality disorder. I don't believe that he does, but I have wondered.
I've got a relative who married a man who is very quiet and doesn't seem to show much emotion. He doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy about certain things. Overall, he is a nice guy though. I wonder if he has Asburgers (sp?) a mild form of autism. I thought about that about your husband when I first read your post, but I don't think the holding back tears thing sounds like Asburgers. I'm not a clinical psychologist or trained counselor, so I don't know, either.
If your husband had some kind of personality disorder, would it make you feel better?
Keep praying for your husband. But pray for yourself also. Maybe the Lord could do a work in your heart to make you happy and content with your husband in spite of the fact that some aspects of his personality don't measure up to the desires you had entering marriage. Try to be the best wife you can be. If he does not do some things that would please you, don't hold out on him in the bedroom or in other areas of your life and say, "Your not going to get any of this unless you tell me how you felt when your dog died" or something like that. :o. It doesn't do much good entertaining those thoughts of "Oh no, now I have to live my entire life with someone who is not X. I will never get to experience X in my whole life." In your case X is intimate conversation. Other people have other things they can fill in for X. The devil can use that type of thinking to discourage us. Be content with what you have, and pray to God for your husband to have wisdom to love you in the way that you need to be loved.
Felt real nice.
