Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

[pittsflyer]

Maybe not, you just have to figure out how to get that spark back. When I was in a STEM degree at a demanding school and trying to date and work in the summers as an 18 to 22 year old guy the only reason I made it was because my sex drive peaked late (in my last year of school). I only needed like 18 more credits to graduate so as long as I did not screw it up too bad I would graduate. But I could not imagine wanting constant sex at 18, its no wonder so many guys dont go to school and have a hard time focusing.

Also having a nice valenties weekend is nice but 90% of the time guys dont want to have to act out a disney movie to get sex and I have seen women do all kinds of wierd things like limit certian sex acts to only once a week etc etc.

I have supported him more emotionally because as a woman that is how I relate. I am now understanding how a man functions but a little late I suppose :/

 

[KaliJasmine7]

Maybe not, you just have to figure out how to get that spark back. When I was in a STEM degree at a demanding school and trying to date and work in the summers as an 18 to 22 year old guy the only reason I made it was because my sex drive peaked late (in my last year of school). I only needed like 18 more credits to graduate so as long as I did not screw it up too bad I would graduate. But I could not imagine wanting constant sex at 18, its no wonder so many guys dont go to school and have a hard time focusing.

Also having a nice valenties weekend is nice but 90% of the time guys dont want to have to act out a disney movie to get sex and I have seen women do all kinds of wierd things like limit certian sex acts to only once a week etc etc.

I appreciate your thoughts as a man since my husband won't talk about anything right now. I am trying my hardest to get him to work on things but right now all I can do basically is pray for him because I don't think anything I say to him (which is only occasionally) gets through to him. I am reading and doing the love dare (hard when not living together) as basically my last hope that it will soften his heart. Now, I am not sure that I entirely believe him that he has not any love for me at all because he also said 2 weeks ago that he never misses me at all but then last night says he does sometimes. I just wish I could get inside his head but I'll leave that up to God. Its sad seeing someone fall off with God though, which he has admitted he has not prayed in a long time. I've never seen him so down and depressed. He isn't talking to anyone about his feelings which can't be helping the situation at all. In my opinion, he is a bit mentally unstable and that is scary considering he will be a police officer on the streets soon...

 

[pittsflyer]

I am not a mental health expert so perhaps he is going through something more than just a lack of focus from a lack of sex. I sometimes think a mentally unstable cop is better than some of these agenda driven cops. Its very rare that a cop looses it and fires into a crowd, if thats what you are worried about.

Hopefully he sees you want it to work but like another poster pointed out, guys need to know that their woman wants it, like wants it wants it raw and dirty. Not a, im going to timidly let you touch me because I dont want a divorce. Most guys feel icky if they feel like they are forcing themselves on a woman.

I appreciate your thoughts as a man since my husband won't talk about anything right now. I am trying my hardest to get him to work on things but right now all I can do basically is pray for him because I don't think anything I say to him (which is only occasionally) gets through to him. I am reading and doing the love dare (hard when not living together) as basically my last hope that it will soften his heart. Now, I am not sure that I entirely believe him that he has not any love for me at all because he also said 2 weeks ago that he never misses me at all but then last night says he does sometimes. I just wish I could get inside his head but I'll leave that up to God. Its sad seeing someone fall off with God though, which he has admitted he has not prayed in a long time. I've never seen him so down and depressed. He isn't talking to anyone about his feelings which can't be helping the situation at all. In my opinion, he is a bit mentally unstable and that is scary considering he will be a police officer on the streets soon...

 

[KaliJasmine7]

I am not a mental health expert so perhaps he is going through something more than just a lack of focus from a lack of sex. I sometimes think a mentally unstable cop is better than some of these agenda driven cops. Its very rare that a cop looses it and fires into a crowd, if thats what you are worried about.

No, no not worried about that. Just worried he won't succeed with his negativity about it all. He had the opportunity to make more money at the plants but did not go to the interview but the interview was in the midst of all of this, so who knows. I always thought he would make a wonderful cop because his heart was always in the right place but working at the county jail has really darkened his outlook over the past 4 years. He thinks he will be better on patrol because he won't be cooped up with all the criminals 24/7 but maybe nothing will make him happy because he just isn't happy....

 

[KaliJasmine7]

I am not a mental health expert so perhaps he is going through something more than just a lack of focus from a lack of sex. I sometimes think a mentally unstable cop is better than some of these agenda driven cops. Its very rare that a cop looses it and fires into a crowd, if thats what you are worried about.

Hopefully he sees you want it to work but like another poster pointed out, guys need to know that their woman wants it, like wants it wants it raw and dirty. Not a, im going to timidly let you touch me because I dont want a divorce. Most guys feel icky if they feel like they are forcing themselves on a woman.

The problem is I wanted it just as much (most of the time) but was too self conscious. But hey, since all of this he knows I want it and I even went out of my comfort zone and sent him some pics and we have been intimate 3 times between separating and currently but sex is not the whole issue either so it won't solve our problems but I have made it known that I do want him in that way and that it is not just because I don't want a divorce.

 

[pittsflyer]

Based on what he told you my money would be on the sex and affection issues. Most guys can endure all kinds of things at work if they know they are comming to a warm home where being denyed is not even in their brain.

How many years did the denial of sex go on?

No, no not worried about that. Just worried he won't succeed with his negativity about it all. He had the opportunity to make more money at the plants but did not go to the interview but the interview was in the midst of all of this, so who knows. I always thought he would make a wonderful cop because his heart was always in the right place but working at the county jail has really darkened his outlook over the past 4 years. He thinks he will be better on patrol because he won't be cooped up with all the criminals 24/7 but maybe nothing will make him happy because he just isn't happy....

 

[KaliJasmine7]

Based on what he told you my money would be on the sex and affection issues. Most guys can endure all kinds of things at work if they know they are comming to a warm home where being denyed is not even in their brain.

How many years did the denial of sex go on?

Well the first year of marriage was horrible maybe once a month because i battled depression from my miscarriage. Then, i got pregnant year 2 of our marriage so it again deteriorated, then i believe year 3 was good, had another miscarriage and uterine tumor in year 4, so of course chemo killed it, and then year 5 has been okay maybe a few times a week which is bad, I know, I know, but like I said, I was being selfish and expecting him to be romantic and all that but yet I wasn't showing him much respect or love and attention, so its been pretty bad for us both

 

[pittsflyer]

Yea thats alot of lost time for him that he cant get back, the trust may already be gone I am sorry to say. Alot of lost time during his prime years too. As guys get older sex becomes less and less and one of 2 things happens we look back at all the hot dirty times we had or look back with deep regret at having squandered our youth.

Well the first year of marriage was horrible maybe once a month because i battled depression from my miscarriage. Then, i got pregnant year 2 of our marriage so it again deteriorated, then i believe year 3 was good, had another miscarriage and uterine tumor in year 4, so of course chemo killed it, and then year 5 has been okay maybe a few times a week which is bad, I know, I know, but like I said, I was being selfish and expecting him to be romantic and all that but yet I wasn't showing him much respect or love and attention, so its been pretty bad for us both

 

[KaliJasmine7]

Well. My husband apologized for being an a$$hole, his words, and told me I'm a much better person than him. He also bought me an expensive gift. He said he wanted to work on the marriage and I asked if he'd go to counseling and he finally agreed. He admits he still has a lot of anger that he needs to deal with. We talked 2 days in a row a bit here and there and then today he didn't try contacting me at all, but I did text him and let him know I got a counseling session scheduled which he said ok and asked where it is. Now, he is extremely busy going to school full time and working but the no initiating of contact kinda worried me that he might have changed his mind. I asked him the other night if he was serious about counseling and he said yes. I'm trying not to expect too much out of him, so am I being paranoid that he didn't try contacting me today?

 

[KaliJasmine7]

I'm also not sure if I should try communicating or if that is smothering him

 

[pittsflyer]

Hopefully this is your in, use this as a second chance to have an awesome life.

My opinion is that counseling is of very limited efficitivness (unless one of you has lagitimate mental illness), it just boils down to making a consious effort to do the things to make life great. I think its good to go just to show that your both serious but dont drag it out too long and get back to having sex asap.

Well. My husband apologized for being an a$$hole, his words, and told me I'm a much better person than him. He also bought me an expensive gift. He said he wanted to work on the marriage and I asked if he'd go to counseling and he finally agreed. He admits he still has a lot of anger that he needs to deal with. We talked 2 days in a row a bit here and there and then today he didn't try contacting me at all, but I did text him and let him know I got a counseling session scheduled which he said ok and asked where it is. Now, he is extremely busy going to school full time and working but the no initiating of contact kinda worried me that he might have changed his mind. I asked him the other night if he was serious about counseling and he said yes. I'm trying not to expect too much out of him, so am I being paranoid that he didn't try contacting me today?

 

[dayhiker]

Lot to work thru, Kali. Sounds like his plate is very full with work and school. That will limit the energy he has to do counseling and to communicate with you. So I'm thinking it would be good to work out a schedule as two when you two came be together, whens a good time to just call to touch base. When school break comes, ask if you can have an extended time to just enjoy each other and get some love and intimacy(not just sex) happening.

 

[nick garai]

I was with my exwife for about four years. We were married and together for only one year. I went away and worked in the Alberta oil patch for a couple of years. When I came back she told me that she had fallen out of love with me and that she was seeing someone else.. I thought to myself how this could be true. I still loved her and wanted to be involved with her but she wanted to move on.

 

[DZoolander]

Absence, generally, doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow apathetic and start looking for something to fill the void.

 

[dayhiker]

I think a separation can work either way. But more like short separations make the heart grow fonder. Once it gets very long most of us want to e with someone and that desire will grow till we go after it. So in general I'd not encourage separations. Clearly making a living cause many to move. So I'd encourage a frank none romantic honest talk where the couple goes over situations and what they are to do.

 

[blackribbon]

You are still married and sex is still morally legal. How would he react to a sexual approach of unconditional love now? Understand that it might mean you give of yourself and he doesn't respond or he accepts sex but nothing changes...but it might be a way to woe him back. It would have to be completely unconditional love to mean anything at all. He doesn't trust his heart to you anymore. I'd pray for God's guidance here.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

A couple things I saw

1. Sex 1-2 times a week, while not as much as I would want in a marriage, certainly does not come across to me as abusive or neglectful behavior. Don't blame yourself on that point.

2. I'd be wary of trying to woo him sexually now, legal and moral as it may be. My wife cheated on me, and we are now separated, pending divorce. She doesn't want it, is begging me to reconsider, and frequently tries to convince me to have sex with "my wife." Now, it's been over half a year, and darn right I'd love to get some! But even though it's "legal and moral", I won't because I have no interest in saving the marriage, and it would be little more than rape in my mind to misrepresent my position to get laid. So, her constant attempts to seduce me have the opposite effect she desires. They drive me further away from her. I don't know what your hubbie is thinking, but I'd tread cautiously in this area. I would certainly approach any sexual event with him as a one time, "I'm doing this for pleasure and because I like you" with ZERO expectations, lest you be hurt if he takes you up on it just for the physical. If you have sex with him, then use that as a trump card (you have to consider reconciliation, otherwise you just used me!), I guarantee your long term goals will,not,be satisfied.

 

[El' LeJeune]

Kali, I have the utmost empathy for you are your situation. It seems that I am a few months late to the party and hope that things are going well between you and your (hopefully still) husband. One of the things that popped out to me was your statement saying that you didn't know how to relate to him. There is a book out there that has drastically helped me to understand what the opposite sex wants/ needs from me. It is called "His needs, Her needs" by Dr. Harley. He addresses the top 5 relationship needs of both men and women and tells stories about the consequences of both meeting and failing to meet each others needs.

I am truly sorry for your situation and hope this helps.