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Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

KaliJasmine7

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Hi Everyone.

I have been separated from my husband Since September and from the beginning he stated he did not love me anymore and I just could not accept it because he always acted like he did until then. He hid it really well to say the least, even wrote me a poem 3 months prior and sent me flowers. I won't go into all the details of our marriage other than there is no other woman, our divorce is pending, we have 2 little girls, and I am just lost. I guess when he first left I knew he was just so angry and I thought he was just saying he did not love me to hurt me but as months have passed I finally had a calm conversation with him the other day in which he told me he had not loved me in almost a year and that he "tried" for the kids' sake. I feel like this is the day he left all over again. I guess it is because I was hoping out of desperation that he had love left but that is not the case. I just feel like my life is a lie. I've been so deceived since he was going way out of his way to express his "fake love" to me. I just don't know what to do from God's standpoint. I pray for acceptance, guidance, and for my husband. I am still as much in love with him now than I was when we married 5 years ago. I just don't know how to make myself not love him or if that is what God even wants. I have accepted my marriage is over and told my husband this and told him I wanted it over as quickly as possible now that I realize he has no feelings left for me. Have any of you gone through this? How did you make it? I can barely function. It's just a dark, deep place. Prayers and thoughts appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Kali
 

dayhiker

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There is a Christian ministry that many churches provide called Divorce Care that can help a lot. Their web site will help you see if there is a class local to you.

One of the things that effects you is the difference of the place he is from where you are. That comes about because he has been dealing with his feelings for over a year and not including you in how he felt. Your just now starting to deal with your feelings because you just found out.

One phrase that might help you get thru this is to just do the next thing. Healing will come with time and then you can get back to a more normal life.

Is he taking the girls and looking after them in any way?
 
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DZoolander

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Hi Everyone.

I have been separated from my husband Since September and from the beginning he stated he did not love me anymore and I just could not accept it because he always acted like he did until then. He hid it really well to say the least, even wrote me a poem 3 months prior and sent me flowers. I won't go into all the details of our marriage other than there is no other woman, our divorce is pending, we have 2 little girls, and I am just lost. I guess when he first left I knew he was just so angry and I thought he was just saying he did not love me to hurt me but as months have passed I finally had a calm conversation with him the other day in which he told me he had not loved me in almost a year and that he "tried" for the kids' sake. I feel like this is the day he left all over again. I guess it is because I was hoping out of desperation that he had love left but that is not the case. I just feel like my life is a lie. I've been so deceived since he was going way out of his way to express his "fake love" to me. I just don't know what to do from God's standpoint. I pray for acceptance, guidance, and for my husband. I am still as much in love with him now than I was when we married 5 years ago. I just don't know how to make myself not love him or if that is what God even wants. I have accepted my marriage is over and told my husband this and told him I wanted it over as quickly as possible now that I realize he has no feelings left for me. Have any of you gone through this? How did you make it? I can barely function. It's just a dark, deep place. Prayers and thoughts appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Kali

People often say that "absence makes the heart grow stronger". My experience has always been that absence makes the heart apathetic. In other words - out of sight - out of mind.

I don't know about your dating history, the history of your crushes, etc...so I'll just use my own to illustrate the point I'm trying to make.

When I was a lot younger - I remember the first girl I ever had a crush on. It was the most remarkable feeling - as it was the first time I'd ever experienced it. I spent every day thinking about her - enjoying the time that I had to see her in class - hating the time when she wasn't around/etc.

I remember I wanted to ask her to "go with me" (the adolescent term that we used back then to mean "date"). Every day I'd walk to 7-11 with a dime in hand to use the pay phone (because God forbid I'd call from home and mom knew I'd be calling a girl) and ask her to be my girlfriend. Every day I chickened out...and walked home with the same dime.

Summer vacation would come around - and I'd loathe it - because it meant I wouldn't see her for a couple of months. Every school vacation was like that.

She captivated pretty much all of my thoughts for about two years...and then I had to move on to another school. Never really saw her again after that.

At first it sucked. I didn't know what I'd do with those feelings... But as time went along...I thought about her less...and then less...and then less...and then I just didn't think about her any more. Now - many years later - the only time I ever think about her is when I come across things like this and I want to use an example of fading emotion.

That's how things are. Some day, and sooner than you will probably think in the grand scheme of things, you just won't care any more and will have moved on. :)
 
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kymphony

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After 9 years of marriage and my ex saying we would never ever divorce, he did the same. Then he immediately went on dating websites and found a new girlfriend. I felt so horrible! I must have cried every day for two years straight. Thankfully, we didn't have any children together. That must make it even more difficult for you!

I don't think what he's done is correct in God's eyes whatsoever. I feel so bad for you! Please know you are in my prayers! :prayer:
 
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KaliJasmine7

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Thank you everyone. I appreciate the insight. I was attending Divorce Care until it interfered with my daughter's softball, so now I have to wait :( Everyone keeps saying it gets better but the pain is just so constant I just want to wake up one day and feel "normal" I probably have a long painful road ahead of me but I trust God with everything inside me that one day I will feel better again.....I think my problem is that I have "too much" faith lol sounds insane but deep inside my soul I know that God could restore our marriage and he could eventually soften my husband's heart towards me (if my husband gets right with God again (not judging but he admitted not having a relationship at the moment)). I know God cannot force my husband but he can sure apply some much needed pressure. My husband was once a God-fearing, faithful Christian and he has even admitted that he knows this is not right and not good for our kids and all of that but says he just can't deal with it anymore. So, basically he is doing the most selfish thing but I forgive him. What hurts is I am not sure he will ever feel an ounce of remorse about it. How can I love someone so stinking much and him not even feel a thing!?! Ugh!! End of rant sorry! I am seeing a Christian Counselor now which actually helps a bit

Thanks for prayers please continue to pray for us!!
 
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DZoolander

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Well, you see, all that stuff you just said simply means "I hope it'll get fixed", which is the opposite of moving on. :)

I think it's important to understand where you're at. So long as you're hoping it will get fixed, it will continue to hurt, because you're not in the "letting go" stage.

I'm not saying what's wrong or right. I'm just saying what the situation is. Be prepared, so long as you hold out hope, to feel pangs of disappointment that it's not coming to fruition.
 
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KaliJasmine7

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Yeah I get that. I've been trying hard to let go of hope but since it's not final I think it's hindering that. We have to take a child class before it's final and he hasn't so a part of me is still hopeful. Maybe once the divorce is final, I'll feel hopeless :/
 
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Avniel

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Is he mad at you? The reason i ask is a lot of women aren't responsive to men's complaints. Our society is setup in a way that women disregard men's feelings. So is it possible that he has an issue with you that your writing off or unaware of.

Majority of the time it's a reason that these men are tired maybe you can try and find his problem.
 
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DZoolander

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Well, for future reference, I can tell you how I (as a guy) look at things.

W/respect to the rejecting sex stuff... To me, the most important time to gauge how things are going to be/how someone wants things to be (like my wife, or anyone else) is how they behave when they are on "cruise control" or don't feel pressured. If their default comfort-zone position is to do "X" (whether it be deny sex, or whatever), then that's what I figure life will hold for me over the long haul.

Having someone that denied for a long time, then started talking about being "given a chance to work on things" once the threat of divorce came up would give me a lot of problems. What exactly is it she's looking for a chance to work on? Her desire for me? How would you work on that? It's either there - or it isn't. Or...is she simply offering to "give in" more often?

For me, 80-90% of the desire to have sex is based around the idea that she WANTS to as well. If I were in a situation like what you're describing - it would really rub me the wrong way because it would sound like she was simply offering to "give it up" more frequently. Where's the desire in that? Isn't she then just sorta offering herself as a vehicle for sex...or just a different kind of masturbation? Without the desire - isn't that pretty much what it is?

In such a situation - I wouldn't even want it. If I'm going to touch - I'd rather take care of it myself the old fashioned way. "Making Love" to someone that is just doing it to stave off a divorce would cause me all sorts of moral problems and guilt. Masturbation the old fashioned way carries no guilt - and I would rather do that.

The question then becomes..."Well if that's how it is? How do I work on it then? How do I salvage things? How do I make myself want something that I really don't?"

I dunno - and that's a good point. How do you make yourself want something you don't really want? But - that *is* an issue...and it begs the question...shouldn't you then be with someone that you actually do want?
 
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KaliJasmine7

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I do have desire for him and to do it. I just let life as a mom get in the way of our sex life. I see your point though and while I understand, I would have liked the chance to show him love more often than I did. I guess this is a lesson learned for the future but my heart breaks every day because I only wanted him to at least try
 
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KaliJasmine7

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Well we've been together 6 years and I already had a child in high school aND he fell in love with both of us and has been her dad ever since and adopted her. I suffered my first miscarriage shortly after we married and then I never wanted sex because I was depressed. He graciously waited it out and then I got pregnant a year latee with our now 4 year old and then we had some issues after I had her, my drive was down because of birth Control and the baby nursing all the dang time. Then 2 years ago I suffered another miscarriage and had a tumor that I had to undergo chemo so I'm sure you imagine that I barely wanted to do anything. Then, we did it maybe 1 to 2 times a weeek for a while then more recently before her left we were being intimate more often. I was more sexual before marriage (shameful) and then we've just had so much happem that i put him on the back burner. I'm an unusually wanting woman but I was exhausted ALL the time. Maybe I've just really been battling depression idk. Hind sight is 20/20. or a lot of the times I wanted him to initiate it but then he told me he got tired of initiating only to get rejected. Also I wanted it during the days on his days off but I didn't want to leave my kids unattended but man I wish I would have now because they would have been fine for 30 mins I'm sure. I did everything else for him cook, clean, work from home, etc but that's what I did wrong oh and trying to control him. Like I said I know what I have done wrong and I've done some major changing but he won't even see it. I guess I'll be a better wife for someone else someday but I just can't fathom being with anyone else but it's a harsh reality.
 
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KaliJasmine7

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Oh and no counseling. He has refused that since the beginning of all of it. He says it wont do any good to talk about his problems because it wont change anything. He told me a few weeks ago that he missed the old me and I told him I was my old self and even better but that he wont get to see it because he wont give me a chance. I also asked him if he deep down wanted the divorce and he told me that he just wanted to be a kid again. He also told me he knows he is self destructing. Its just hard because in the beginning he wanted out so desperately and then he came to me twice and told me he wanted to work things out and that he was sorry he hurt me and then 2 days after that he told me he didn't know what he wanted and that he was all f'd up in the head. Then 2 weeks later he went to an attorney then waited 2 weeks and then filed it. I think that is what screwed me up because he already "came back" one in the middle of all of it. He is working at the jail and going to Police Academy full time, so idk. I just keep waiting to get the text about going to the kid's class and then maybe once that happens I will be able to realize its all over for good. I know I messed up too but in my own mind I thought i was doing things right because he never said anything until way later and now my changes dont matter to him but I am more happy with myself than I ever have been because I did change what needed to be changed about myself. I did everything for him though and he always said how much I did for him and that he was grateful and that his buddies' wives dont do half the stuff I did for him, etc. He even admits he is lazy and that is what I used to gripe about because on his days off he would just sit and play the iPad all day while I worked, cooked, cleaned, and took care of the kids. He occasionally would do chores without me asking/griping. I may have done things wrong to but he did as well. I guess he will find someone else to give him what he wants who knows and maybe he'll just never be satisfied...
 
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KaliJasmine7

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Well update. We have had a lot of contact recently because of selling my puppies. Today, I asked him why he got so irritated when we just have a simple conversation. He told me he is mad at me, mad at him, mad at the world, he hates work, he hates school, he misses his kids, and sometimes even misses me but then dismisses it, and he is a piece of s*** and just hates life because his life is h***. WOW!! I just wasn't expecting quite this answer. Please keep us in yalls prayers still! I wish he'd open up about his anger it is going to eat him alive!
 
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I can relate to his situation, he went all in hoping that he was not going to be that guy that gets a woman who stops putting out, or stops doing certian things in bed that he loves. Now he has a kid/s with you that he knows he is eventually going to have to pay for while he is trying to concentrate on school while his hormones are raging and he wants to get laid. I dont think women have any idea how difficult it is to concentrate when all you can think about it is sex and he has no outlet.

He needs to move on becuase he is not doing himself any favors for his own future if he does not finish school and develop a good resume, its dog eat dog out there and when a woman hangs a guy out to dry the odds of making it to middle class are slim.

If a guy does not have a good woman in his corner supporting him life is significantly more difficult.
 
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KaliJasmine7

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I can relate to his situation, he went all in hoping that he was not going to be that guy that gets a woman who stops putting out, or stops doing certian things in bed that he loves. Now he has a kid/s with you that he knows he is eventually going to have to pay for while he is trying to concentrate on school while his hormones are raging and he wants to get laid. I dont think women have any idea how difficult it is to concentrate when all you can think about it is sex and he has no outlet.

He needs to move on becuase he is not doing himself any favors for his own future if he does not finish school and develop a good resume, its dog eat dog out there and when a woman hangs a guy out to dry the odds of making it to middle class are slim.

If a guy does not have a good woman in his corner supporting him life is significantly more difficult.




I have supported him more emotionally because as a woman that is how I relate. I am now understanding how a man functions but a little late I suppose :/
 
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