Hurting at the hands of "church"

[sweets3000]

Hello all,

I am new to the forum, and have an issue that has weighed heavily on my heart for quite some time, so much so that I have found great joy in the prospect of sharing this with a family of beleivers for support, insight, and Godly rebuke (if truly and prayerfully received). Before I share my story, I'd just like to introduce myself, because I believe my story needs to be told in the proper context. I have been walking with the Lord for ten years now....I mean truly walking with the Lord. I have known OF the Lord for my entire life. My father is a Pastor, and I have been 'churched' from the age of 5. I am not what many characterize as a baby Christian, but rather constantly strive toward the mark by reading the Word and enjoying communion with God regularly.

Now for the punchline....I am really struggling with my church right now. This is the church I have attended since I was able to walk. It is a very traditional, "old-fashioned" Baptist church whose members are very protective of tradition and the old way of doing things.

I went to college in 1996, shortly after truly becoming saved (I wasn't saved previously, although I thought I was, I didn't know God in intimate relationship, had only been baptized at 6 years old). ONce there, I began a journey of growth and pruning by the Holy Spirit. I attended a Baptist church, but then became a part of a church of christ, and intervarsity christian fellowship. I am now not a proponent of any one denomination, but at the Church of Christ I did learn more truth, and a broader interpretation of what salvation is and ISNT. I learned there that I needed to truly MEET God, and know Him...that it wasn't just a blind recital of a few scriptures and BAM, you're saved for eternity and can do whatever you wish. I learned to share my faith with others and grew in my spiritual gifts.

Then I got married, and my husband and I came back to my home church.

It is now feeling unacceptable to me. THe people are very religious, and care more about whether women wear pants than true spiritual growth. THe confusing thing is, that my father is an awesome man of God, and I believe the problem is the spirit of Religion. WE suffer from a plague of tremendous gossip and jealousy, and I have been hurt tremendously by this. There are many who do not like me because I supposedly "think I'm all of that". Most of the young ladies my age (actually all of them) are unmarried and single mothers. THey hate me for not being in the same boat. I am perceived as "snotty" because I am from a suburban area while the church is in an inner city. I am just not accepted, and all I have tried to do is love these people. I am not a gossiper, and have never confronted anyone who has wronged me, leaving God to be my avenger, but this is becoming increasingly hard. I don't even have room to record all of the things that have taken place there, from someone trying to seduce my husband, to accusations that I'm anorexic, rumors that originated from my own sister who is friends with some of the young ladies, and just plain meanness and jealousy. Currently, the issue, although small, is feeling sort of like a last straw sort of thing. I am helping out by serving in an administrative capacity when someone suddenly left a position open and it needed to be filled immediately. Now, every little thing is scrutinized and critized. This is a sacrifice for me as I am also a student and in my internshp currently. But no one cares about that aspect, People are mad that I can't work all day like the other secretary, or get angry over a minor typo. I never hear the complaints from the person who makes them, but from my father who receives all of these complaints and criticisms. It is so hard, but my father takes it as a personal failure if I leave. What would you all do in my situation, and more importantly, can I get any encouragement from anyone else hurt by church?

 

[InHisPeace]

My heart goes out to you, Sweets, because I know exactly how you feel.
My entire family has been hurt and cut off from so called "people of God".
"Hurting at the hands of the church" - I know that feeling all too well.
Thankfully, I left religion (not Christ, and not God) and now I simply follow Christ. Now I know the meaning of Christ's words: "The truth will set you free."

I think the problem is in religion.
I wish everyone could see that religion is not God! I wish that everyone could understand that we are all one - no matter what relgion, race, belief system.
There is no one that is "better" or more "decent" in God's sight.
Every single person on Earth is on a path leading to the One we call God.
No religion is going to get there faster than another, no matter how much "they do", or how "righteous" they are.
One day everyone will see this.

Sweets, just remember that so many people are in your situation or similar.
I don't have much advise for you, but you don't have to stay in this situation if you don't like it.
If it's not working for you, try something else!
I understand that this would not be easy, especially because your father is the pastor there.
But forget all this, and think about what you need.
Listen to God; listen to your inner knowing. What is God really saying to you?

 

[InHisPeace]

By the way, if you ever need to vent or just talk to someone, my PM box is always open!

 

[jive4005]

Sounds like you need to stop confusing church & religion... and God. These things are NOT interchangable. Many churches are very unChristian. Many churches are GREAT!

Instead of church... try relationship with Jesus. The dividends pay better and I'm pretty sure He will get you to that SPECIAL church you're looking for.

 

[raineywife]

I am experiencing the same experiences now as I did when I backslid 7 years ago - listening to church folks. Follow Christ, not people. All fall short, you keep striving, stay in the Word, follow the Holy Spirit.

Romans 3:10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:
The true apostle Paul once said follow me as I follow Christ, those examples nowadays are hard to find. God Bless you, I love you and praying that the Lord will send both of us to where He wants us to be.

 

[JohannAT]

Hello dear sister sweets3000,

Just like InHisPeace, my heart and my tears go out to you, dear sister. Similar to your experience and the experience of InHisPeace and her family, I too have been where you are. My wife and I have been the object of viscious rumors and gossip. It is devestating. May you gain much grace from Him to pass through this time of trial with a heart of love for all your brothers and sisters in Christ.

I believe InHisPeace, jive4005, and raineywife have gotten to the core of the matter - the reality of the Christian life, (and the reality of the church!), is relationship with Jesus. A loving, living, spiritual, new-every-morning, relationship with Jesus! This kind of relationship simply withers and dies in an atmosphere that is judgemental and overly "religious". If you look at the last sentences in the first and second paragraphs of your post, you will see quite a contrast: First, you stated this about your Christain life: "constantly strive toward the mark by reading the Word and enjoying communion with God regularly." Then, you stated this about your church: "whose members are very protective of tradition and the old way of doing things." Quite a contrast! Enjoying communion with God on the one hand, vs. tradition and old ways of doing things on the other hand.

I would never say that all the old things are bad, and, above all, I ask the Lord to have mercy on me to keep me from having a judgemental heart, but we do need to hear the words of Jesus Himself on this matter. He said very clearly in Matthew chapter 9 and Luke chapter 5 that new wine can not be put into old wineskins. If you try to put new wine into old wineskins, a big disaster will occur - both the old wineskins and the new wine will be ruined! Your fresh experiences of God belong within a community of lovers of Christ who freshly seek His face .

As InHisPeace said: Listen to God. What is God saying to You? Take this matter of the new wine and the old wineskins to Him. Ask Him to make His words real to you in your current circumstances. Based upon His Word, may His Spirit, speaking deeply in your spirit, be your living and personal guide. After all, He is your Lord and Master and what He says is all that matters!

One last thing - you posted with a very open, honest, humble, spirit. You are open to "support, insight, and Godly rebuke", which is a very precious thing, indeed, dear sister! I do not have a rebuke for you, but I would say that you have left out one very important piece of the puzzle: What does your husband think about all this? In God's sight, you and your husband are "one flesh", so the best thing is for both of you to together seek God's speaking and God's guidance. Any leading from the Spirit will definitely be for both of you. Please, please, use this painful experience to grow closer to your husband! Of all the things a husband and wife should share, their mutual walk with God should be way up on the list! I can testify that the two times my wife and I have left a fellowship to follow the Lord elsewhere, the Spirit put a clear burden on both of our hearts! (In fact, both times, my wife got the burden first, and then I "came around" sometime later.)

Dear Lord Jesus, we ask You to be the Healing Balm and the Shepherd to this hurting sheep. Do guide her and her husband by Your Spirit to the still waters and the rich pastures. Amen.

 

[thunderbyrd]

SWEETS3000: LEAVE THAT PLACE AND GO TO ANOTHER CHURCH.

You have outgrown it. Don't put your husband, yourself, and your children through anymore of it.

Jesus Christ says: BEHOLD, I MAKE ALL THINGS NEW. You found newness of life somewhere else, you won't continue on in LIFE there. LEAVE.

 

[fishstix]

What would you all do in my situation

I would sit down with my dad and have a good talk with him. I would make sure that he knows that I love him and that if I decide to leave that particular church that it does not mean that he's a failure and that it does not mean that I'm giving up on Jesus or Christianity or anything like that. And then, I'd start exploring other churches in the area with my family. I'd visit a whole bunch of them and my spouse and I would prayerfully decide on which one was right for our family. I might end up back at the same church I started with or I might end up at a new church.

God may want to use you in another church. The original apostles and disciples didn't all stay in the same spot that they started in. They branched out and went to other places. That is what they were meant to do. For them, it often meant going to other towns and countries, but it could just as easily be going to a new group of people in the same town.

Remember, you're never going to find a ~perfect~ church. The problems you mentioned - gossip, jealousy, focus on minor details, etc. - are going to come up in most churches. Every church has its issues, because every church is made up of human beings, and none of us are perfect at this point in time. We are all works in progress. God isn't finished with us yet. And in the meantime, we sometimes hurt each other. That said, there's a good chance that switching to a different church may be an improvement, even if it isn't 100% perfect. So look around, and see what there is in your area.

 

[JPPT1974]

I am praying for you my friend
And that all goes well with you
Been there and done that myself
So I know the feeling
Lean on the Lord for guidance and comfort

 

[Fascination]

I can totally relate my friend.... God sees and HE cares and will order the footsteps of the righteous. Been there and done it and am a PK too! 's as God gives you answers to your questions.

 

[bliz]

Time to find another church.

People should not be going to your father with things they think you have done wrong. They should be approaching you directly, as scripture instructs us. And he, in turn, shoulld refuse to listen to them unless they have alrady spoken to you.

Rwgardless, you and your husband are building a new life together. Make a new church part of that.

 

[CindyisHis]

I know what it is to be misunderstood when you are reaching out in love, sacrificing, and wham! the very one you're loving smacks you.

Hats off to you for continuing to walk in love. You really are walking with the Lord. And He is with you. I pray you receive wisdom from on high, and that He order the steps of you and your husband. May He reveal to the both of you, even now, what He desires for you.

What does you husband say? Did I miss that in the op? And is your father the pastor still? What does he say? Is he even aware?

 

[sweets3000]

Thank you all so much! I can't pm people until I make more posts, but in case you read back, you are so kind and encouraging.

 

[psalmody]

Sweets! Welcome to the forum! I am sure you will find friends here and lots of encouragement! You could almost be writing about me, girl! I have the same past, except I'm not a preachers kid. I finally left my church after discovering I didnt have what it needed to change. Didnt find out that what was needed was the love of God until finding one that DID have that!
Is your husband involved in church? I ask, because mine is not. I go alone. It would have an impact on your decisions about it. If he is, he needs to have input on what to do. If not, then definitely discuss it with your father first.
Sweets, we hurt for you. Sad to say there are too many churches like that. But not ALL! There are loving churches out there. It'll just take some digging to find. And take heart! The church is changing! It is growing and becoming more like the Bride of Christ that is preparing herself for His return! Its just there is still some major work to do and it looks like its hopeless. Its not! Hang in there, Sweets, and let us know what happens!
Psalmody

 

[Amandax3God]

Hi, welcome to CF! I think you will like it here, there are many, genuinely nice people here.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it seems like many people have been in this situation at some point. It seems like it's really breaking your heart that you're having these cruel experiences at your "home" church (the gossiping, rumors, critisizing, etc.) I know it's probably hard because your Dad was/is the pastor. At the same time, you really need to ask God for the wisdom to make a decision here on what you should do. I think it would also be a great idea to talk it over with your husband and see how he feels. Church is suppose to be a place we look forward to going to; to praise God and become closer with him and to fellowship with other loving believers in Christ. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable where you worship. This certainly must be burdening your spirit also, which is not a good thing at all. If I was in your shoes, I certainly wouldn't want to worship in a place where people are critising me when I am simply trying my best to love and help them and the church. There are other churches that would gladly welcome you with open arms, and could certainly use and appreciate your God-given gifts. You are in my prayers. I encourage you to pray about this more, and truly think about. This is an important decision to make for your whole family.

Take care

 

[Timuchin]

Here's reasons to leave a church: http://www.orderofsaintpatrick.org/relations/toxic.htm

Or you can stand fight with tools you weren't taught in this Baptist church. A spirit of religion must be fought by praying deliverance for everyone who steps foot on the property. Just do it without their knowing it.

 

[JKid]

Every single person on Earth is on a path leading to the One we call God.
No religion is going to get there faster than another, no matter how much "they do", or how "righteous" they are.
One day everyone will see this.

?

I have some scripture to back this statement up.

Matt 20:1-16"For the Kingdom of Heaven is like a man who was the master of a household, who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. When he had agreed with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. He went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace. To them he said, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and the ninth hour, and did likewise. About the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle. He said to them, ‘Why do you stand here all day idle?’ "They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ "He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and you will receive whatever is right.’ When evening had come, the lord of the vineyard said to his steward, ‘Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning from the last to the first.’ "When those who were hired at about the eleventh hour came, they each received a denarius. When the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise each received a denarius. When they received it, they murmured against the master of the household, saying, ‘These last have spent one hour, and you have made them equal to us, who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat!’ "But he answered one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Didn’t you agree with me for a denarius? Take that which is yours, and go your way. It is my desire to give to this last just as much as to you. Isn’t it lawful for me to do what I want to with what I own? Or is your eye evil, because I am good?’ So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few are chosen."

I hope this helps
GOD bless You

 

[CindyisHis]

Thank you all so much! I can't pm people until I make more posts, but in case you read back, you are so kind and encouraging.

Yes, I almost always read back. I really care about you, so I'm looking.

 

[Gamezilla]

Hello all,

I am new to the forum, and have an issue that has weighed heavily on my heart for quite some time, so much so that I have found great joy in the prospect of sharing this with a family of beleivers for support, insight, and Godly rebuke (if truly and prayerfully received). Before I share my story, I'd just like to introduce myself, because I believe my story needs to be told in the proper context. I have been walking with the Lord for ten years now....I mean truly walking with the Lord. I have known OF the Lord for my entire life. My father is a Pastor, and I have been 'churched' from the age of 5. I am not what many characterize as a baby Christian, but rather constantly strive toward the mark by reading the Word and enjoying communion with God regularly.

Now for the punchline....I am really struggling with my church right now. This is the church I have attended since I was able to walk. It is a very traditional, "old-fashioned" Baptist church whose members are very protective of tradition and the old way of doing things.

I went to college in 1996, shortly after truly becoming saved (I wasn't saved previously, although I thought I was, I didn't know God in intimate relationship, had only been baptized at 6 years old). ONce there, I began a journey of growth and pruning by the Holy Spirit. I attended a Baptist church, but then became a part of a church of christ, and intervarsity christian fellowship. I am now not a proponent of any one denomination, but at the Church of Christ I did learn more truth, and a broader interpretation of what salvation is and ISNT. I learned there that I needed to truly MEET God, and know Him...that it wasn't just a blind recital of a few scriptures and BAM, you're saved for eternity and can do whatever you wish. I learned to share my faith with others and grew in my spiritual gifts.

Then I got married, and my husband and I came back to my home church.

It is now feeling unacceptable to me. THe people are very religious, and care more about whether women wear pants than true spiritual growth. THe confusing thing is, that my father is an awesome man of God, and I believe the problem is the spirit of Religion. WE suffer from a plague of tremendous gossip and jealousy, and I have been hurt tremendously by this. There are many who do not like me because I supposedly "think I'm all of that". Most of the young ladies my age (actually all of them) are unmarried and single mothers. THey hate me for not being in the same boat. I am perceived as "snotty" because I am from a suburban area while the church is in an inner city. I am just not accepted, and all I have tried to do is love these people. I am not a gossiper, and have never confronted anyone who has wronged me, leaving God to be my avenger, but this is becoming increasingly hard. I don't even have room to record all of the things that have taken place there, from someone trying to seduce my husband, to accusations that I'm anorexic, rumors that originated from my own sister who is friends with some of the young ladies, and just plain meanness and jealousy. Currently, the issue, although small, is feeling sort of like a last straw sort of thing. I am helping out by serving in an administrative capacity when someone suddenly left a position open and it needed to be filled immediately. Now, every little thing is scrutinized and critized. This is a sacrifice for me as I am also a student and in my internshp currently. But no one cares about that aspect, People are mad that I can't work all day like the other secretary, or get angry over a minor typo. I never hear the complaints from the person who makes them, but from my father who receives all of these complaints and criticisms. It is so hard, but my father takes it as a personal failure if I leave. What would you all do in my situation, and more importantly, can I get any encouragement from anyone else hurt by church?

It's sad to say, but this is what's happening in most churches these days. People are blind to what God's will is, and they are comfortable in their self-righteous attitudes. I have been a Christian ever since the age of 7, and I suffer from a similar situation. I am currently attending the church that I attended when I was baptized. When I was about 12 years of age, we left and went to a different church. It seemed like the perfect church. Everyone was on fire for God, and everyone seemed great, but things started to change. Rumors began spreading, members were becoming enemies of each other, and the pastor was run out of the church. Soon after, controversy sparked over the youth leader, and he was also run out of the church. We ended up leaving after staying for about 2 years. The youth leader that was run out of the church eventually started his on thing, and we thought we would attend. The church didn't even last a year before they called it quits, and soon enough we were back out of church....again. We went through many other trials, but we ended up back in first the church which we are currently attending. Everything is pretty much dead. People are comfortable with mediocrity. No one is on fire for God. Rumors start about every month, the people are pretty separated, the youth could care less about their futures in the church, and we're stuck in another church who is filled with people who only want to play church. My youth leader is disappointed in the youth group, but he doesn't want to offend anyone. Me and my friend (who by the way aren't even members of the church) are really the only one's that show up for stuff that doesn't involve having fun or getting a free meal. I'm really disappointed, but I know that most churches are just like this. Filled with people who are only concerned about themselves. That's why you have to allow God to light a fire within you, so you can stand out. I wouldn't leave until God calls you away, but allow God to light a fire within you. The people are not going to come out of their comfort zones until somebody stands up for God and proves to them that it's time to make a change. PRay to God, and ask for wisdom in what to do. I wish you the best of luck, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Pennelope]

God bless you. I hope all the enthusiastic input is helpful for you and not confusing. Of course, I'm about to add more.

I'm uncomfortable with criticizing a community of Christians in a blanket way, but the ways that your church is righteous or off-the-mark really aren't the central point. Here are the questions I'd ask myself if I were in your position:

What is the fruit in my life of doing this? Do these difficulties lead to increases in the fruit of the Holy Spirit? Or does my participation in this group at this time lead me into serious temptation to sin? (Might be slander, criticalness, bitterness, etc.) Regardless of what action you might decide to take eventually, you want to be up-to-date on your repentance and efforts to bring yourself to the mercy of God in those areas.

Am I here because I believe it is the way for me to be obedient to God? Or am I there because I feel a sense of responsibility to my father or other people I love to not let them down?

As I pray about this, does it seem that I'm experiencing the kind of suffering and hardship that Jesus says is the lot of everyone who follows him? Or does it seem, on honest reflection, that it would be the most faithful response to God to seek another committed body of Christians?

From what you say, you experience a lot of "oughts" being thrown around (no pants, no typos, and, by the way, no direct loving speech either). Speaking for myself, I'd find it hard to develop righteous, honest, open relationships of the kind God would want in a church family.

I disagree with some of the other responders that advise to go independent and pursue a "me and Jesus" walk. There's a kernel of truth - our relationship with God has to be personal and authentic - but long-term vibrant relationship with God is helped by a committed relationship with a particular body of believers (read: "sinners"). Yes, there will be difficulties and you won't be just like them. But it's hard for God to perfect us in love while we're staying independent and protecting ourselves from the ways he might want to use others to draw us close.