Hurting, ashamed, regretful

[poshta]

2 weeks ago, i had an abortion. I am a staunched christian who has found life struggles becoming more and more difficult the older i grew. the lifestyle i have and live has gone against everything i had ever believed in and i feel ashamed today.

i had idolised the man that i loved. my ex - he was the world to me but through our broken and unhealthy relationship, i developed an obsessive behaviour where i was checking up on my ex everyday to see when he was online so i could go online to speak with him. we have broken up over a year ago because he has baggage with his ex who abandoned him in a foreign country.

i am now living and working in the uk temporarily and will be heading back to australia soon, i've only been in london since july 10th.
but 3 weeks go, i found out that i was pregnant to a guy that i had been seeing before i left australia so that i could find a way to get over my ex. i was petrified and astounded that i was pregnant. i was already 12weeks gestation. i went away and through long and hard about it. i felt so alone and i couldnt possible tell my family, i felt so ashamed. i told the father of the baby what happened and he was insistent that i went ahead with the abortion. i thought about it long and hard and was completely torn by the problem i faced. i was devastated because there was a new life inside me and i was going to take it away. in my mind it was not possible to have it.
i had no one to confide in... so i turned to my ex and told him the truth. i was so sure that our friendship now was at a strong and stable point. to my surprise, he turned his back on me and told me that i was a deceitful and vindictive person.

he mentioned that he had been working with his psychologist to find a way to deal with his guilt from his failed relationship with his ex and was wanting for us to be back together again but now that i was in this state, it was impossible to ever have any trust or honesty back in our relationship and everything between us was over.

at this point i was in hysterics and went ahead with the abortion.... the person i relied on the most turned his back on me and told me to leave him alone. the day after the operation i regretted what i had done. i didnt seek God for advice or my family on how to deal with it. i felt a tremendous weight on me, i was profoundly sad and guilt took over. i had taken away the rights of this living human being that was my own flesh and blood.

i wanted my life back with my ex steve. i wanted the days where we made each other happy. but he didn't speak to me. i found out 2 weeks later that he had gone on holiday with katia. he never goes anywhere on holiday with anyone but a girlfriend. after i profusely asked him whether he was now with someone new, he finally admitted that he had was moving on with katia. she was someone who he said he would never go out with or have any attraction towards. i waited to be with him for so long, now i realised that he had moved on within the space of 2 weeks after i told him about my news. he had held onto me emotionally until he had someone new he could go out with. i was there for him through thick and thin for 5 years and now it has all but gone down the drain.

i feel cheated. i feel rejected for the millionth time, i feel foolish that i wanted someone who never had any feelings towards me. i feel that God didn't intervene and had left me because nothing good has happened in 5 years.

i went to church yesterday for the first time in months. i went with a friend who was from australia originally and i had told her of my brokeness but left out the abortion part because i was so ashamed annd guilty that me of all people made a haste decision and went against every belief i ever had in God. i asked God to forgive me and to be close to me again. i've strayed so far and is unable to feel his presence in my life.

i'm heart brokened and feeling so alone in london with no family or real friends around. how do i get over my ex and the guilt i have from taking the life of my own child? i feel that God has let me down and didnt hear my cries for help. i have sinned against him and i know i am not worthy of anything but i need help. i'm mentally scared and i dont know how to get past loss of whats happened.

 

[UnitynLove]

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up
We’ve all fallen down at one time or another—not just physically but emotionally. And picking yourself back up again is, unfortunately, easier said than done. It doesn't take any special talent to give up or lie down on the roadside of life and say, "I quit!" In fact, the road to chronic discouragement, hopelessness and despair often begins with an ordinary day that ends up piled high with simple disappointments. According to Webster, disappoint means "to fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of." In other words, when we set ourselves up to hope for something and that hope isn’t met, we get disappointed. We feel let down or betrayed.

Let's face it: None of us are ever going to get to the place in life where we have no more disappointments. We can't expect to be sheltered from every little thing. Disappointment is a fact of life—one that must be dealt with. If not, discouragement and devastation are never far away. Too often people end up devastated and don't understand why. They seemed to be going along just fine, and now they've fallen by the roadside without knowing how or why. Many people don't realize that the problem could have started a long time ago with a simple disappointment that they failed to work through.

Deep hurt doesn't just come from huge disappointments, like when we fail to get the job or promotion we really wanted. Deep emotional hurt can come from a series of minor annoyances and frustrations. That's why we must know how to handle the small, daily disappointments and keep them in perspective. Otherwise, they can get out of hand and be blown out of proportion. For example, imagine starting your day behind schedule…you’re already frustrated. On your way to the office, unexpected traffic delays cause you to be even later. Then, when you finally get to work, you find out that someone on the job has been gossiping about you. You get some coffee to help you calm down but spill it all over yourself, making matters worse since you have an important meeting with the boss and no time to change clothes!

Facing each of those little things separately is just annoying, but when they pile up it becomes almost unbearable. Then, just about that time, you get a report from the doctor that wasn’t what you were hoping and praying for. And to top it all off, your fiancé calls and threatens to break off your engagement even though the wedding invitations have already been mailed! How will you respond? Will you be full of faith, or will you find yourself full of fear and on that road to disappointment and discouragement? All of those minor frustrations and disappointments with the traffic, the office gossip and the spilled coffee have set you up for a major calamity. And when you have to face some really serious problems like sickness or a failed relationship, you find that you aren’t prepared to deal with them. So you fall, plunging headfirst into hopelessness and despair.

What do you do when disappointment comes? When it weighs on you like a rock, you can either let it press you down until you become discouraged, even devastated, or you can use it as a stepping-stone to better things. Learn to adapt and adjust. You can do it! Face disappointment at its onset and be quick to make any adjustments required to remedy the situation. God has better things for you, and He will help you. He says in Hebrews 13:5, "...I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support...[I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down....

Instead of concentrating on your problems and getting discouraged, focus on God and meditate on His promises for you. You may have fallen down, but you don't have to stay down. God is ready, willing and able to pick you up.

 

[UnitynLove]

Please follow these steps on how to forgive yourself, others and even God.

HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
Follow the instructions of Jesus. *Sometimes you not only have to forgive the person but also the situation where it happened. Not saying that the situation was right, but just to forgive the whole circumstance that caused you the pain.*

1. Depend on the holy spirit. "Father God I can not forgive this person or this situation without your help. Please help me holy spirit to forgive this person/situation.

2. Pray for them. Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless and guide this person. I pray that you increase them in every area of their lives and may they receive your favor and blessings everywhere they go. I pray for increased happiness and greatness for them. Father please help them in every and in any way ect...

3. Bless them. Father God, although they may have hurt me I know that they are a good person. I know that they are your child. They are righteous, good, and a great child of God. ect...

4. Do something good. Father God, put me in a position to do them right and good.

5. Release. Father, help me to release all anger, bitterness, pain, resentment, abuse, hurt and negativity that I may have towards this person. Help me to release any pay back, vengeance, and strife that I may have towards this person.

6. Forgive. Father God, help me to forgive this person. Help me to not think about it, talk about it, bring it up, reminisces on it and or go back on it but help me to drop it from my mind, heart, body, and soul.

7. Give them another chance. Father God, help me to keep the door of love and forgiveness in my heart open to them. Help me to give them another chance. Help me to not block them and lock them out, and lastly help to not formulate any memory or any memories of the offense or the offenses inside of my heart my soul my body and mind.

8. Give it to God. Lord, I give this offense to you. Help me to surrender it from my heart, soul, body and mind. I can not take care of this, but you promised that if I give it to you you will give me happiness, goodness, and blessings for the pain in my life. Help to to surrender it to you father from my mind body and soul. Help me to walk away from the offense in my mind body heart and soul. Thank you father, amen.

 

[UnitynLove]

Please listen to all the videos it shall set you free from condemnation. Especially the Creflo dollars video!

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

 

[bluelime2]

Honey, God is for us but he's not about us. If we run to him, we choose to reject the sin in our lives and battle it. Will we be perfect? No. But does that mean that our sins when we do fail will no longer have consequences. No again.

When we do the right thing we get blessed. When we do the wrong thing it usually comes back on us unless we work it through properly with God. (Even then sometimes there are still consequnces.) Running to God is basically running away from sin and seeking his strength everyday to overcome it.

If we fall, we get up. If we fall again, we get up again. But we never stop running towards God and his love.

Loving God isn't enough because that doesn't take our desire for sin away in itself. We have to choose to fight.

 

[Johnnz]

You are dreadfully alone with your pain. God's love is meant to come to you from caring Christians who demonstrate God's continuing love for you. Without that it will seem as if you are living in an empty universe.

Your life and relationship with God is not over. However you feel and whatever thoughts cascade through your mind try and hold on to the fact that nothing can separate you from the love of God.

Bless you
John

 

[Criada]

Sweetie, you are loved and precious, and God is with you, holding you and feeling your pain.
The bible says:

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27)

So however hard, however low, however often you fall, His arms are there, ready to catch you and hold you, and to lift you up.
Yes, you sinned. We all do. And God promises that as soon as we confess our sin to Him, He not only forgives us, but He makes us righteous again. He has forgiven you, sweetie.. now you need to learn to forgive yourself.
You are very alone... and you need support at the moment. Try talking to the pastor of the church you are going to, or to his wife.
Praying for you.

 

[poshta]

thank you for your kind words and messages. i have been better and your posts brings tears to my eyes... i see the love of God in every one of them. i do feel alone right now because i do not see the world as others do, when i was a child i hated going to church but the more my parents made me go, eventually i got use to going to church on sundays but i still didnt like going to cell groups and youth groups because i always felt that i never fitted and they would always ask me to go out with them, i felt like they always tried to push me but as a chinese girl who had moved from malaysia to australia at 9 i was extremely shy and very self conscious of what people thought about me. i grew up with few christian friends around even though i attended church regularly.
i will continue to search God every day and read the bible until i find him again. thank you for all your words of encouragment. it has truely touched my heart

 

[Johnnz]

That cross cultural isolation would be very difficult. Sometimes being forced to got to church creates real issues too. As an adult you can make your own choices. God will be there with you as you do that.

Bless you
John
NZ