Hugs leading to swimming vision, my eyes not focusing, feelinglessness

[linux.poet]

I don't know if anyone can help me, but I thought I would give this a shot.

In the beginning of 2018, I emerged from 23 years of emotional abuse. Part of the abuse involved my dad throwing me around and shoving me away from things, physical fighting, kicking me, trying to starve me at one point, and at one point punching me on the jaw.

Our family, other than this, has not been big into physical contact. We have gone months or years without hugging each other or touching each other at all. However, my relatives have hugged me, so I don't feel like I need to save hugs for marriage.

And so when I would tell other people in my church about my abuse story, they would want to hug me, and I decided to let them. These were not scary or inappropriate hugs, they were offered by both males and females (mostly female), and mostly side hugs. The frontal hugs "made room for Jesus" by keeping their distance from my body. These hugs were all in group settings - all ordinary.

But what would happen in response to these hugs is that I would experience a series of symptoms:

1. I would not feel anything. No happiness, no sense of oxytocin going to my brain.
2. My eyes would avert themselves from the person in question, almost involuntarily. If I tried to look at the person, my vision would stop working. I would see black spots on my vision and then the whole thing would go black until I looked at something that wasn't the other person's face.
3. Lose feeling in the arm that was holding the person. It feels like I don't have an arm, like my brain doesn't want to comprehend that I'm holding them.

This left what I'm sure was meant as friendly gesture feel like a plunge into cold darkness. I think my brain somehow is processing these hugs as an attack and doesn't want to believe that the other person is there hugging me. This is currently baffling my intellectual brain, which is telling me that a friendly hug with a brother or sister in Christ every so often is not an attack on my existence. Maybe my brain wants me to believe that a hug is meant to emotionally influence me and thus it is unsafe?

Anyway, recently I started to charge the hill and go out to a Christian singles group for the purpose of meeting new people and seeing how far away I was from finding the One and this problem happened again. It's been 4 years since the abuse ended, and this has happened consistently with every hug since. I would like to experience hugs without these symptoms, please and thank you. Is there some sort of exercise or therapy that I can do for this? Anyone else going/gone through a similar experience? Suggestions?

Also, #2 is a safety issue. If someone really is trying to hurt me, my body turning off my primary means of self-awareness is NOT cool. I'd rather feel a little warm and fuzzy from a hug while still being able to see and feel my next "attacker". At this point I'm considering banning all casual hugs from people, but I'm also wondering if repeated exposure to physical contact would actually help me overcome the problem.

In the meantime, I am feeling sorry for my poor body and inclined to buy it a teddy bear.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Combining what you mentioned to me in our chat some months back, and assuming I'm understanding the issues involved correctly, it sounds to me as if you've diagnosed your own difficulty here, Sis. Of course, this isn't to say that it's "only" psycho-somatic in nature and that the combination of a neuro-specialist and a counselor wouldn't be of some additional help.

Be blessed in your endeavor to work through all of this ...

 

[linux.poet]

it sounds to me as if you've diagnosed your own difficulty here, Sis.

I don't think I've diagnosed anything, just listed the relevant symptoms and factors that could be contributing to those symptoms.

Thanks for the prayers & advice though.

 

[disciple Clint]

I don't know if anyone can help me, but I thought I would give this a shot.

In the beginning of 2018, I emerged from 23 years of emotional abuse. Part of the abuse involved my dad throwing me around and shoving me away from things, physical fighting, kicking me, trying to starve me at one point, and at one point punching me on the jaw.

Our family, other than this, has not been big into physical contact. We have gone months or years without hugging each other or touching each other at all. However, my relatives have hugged me, so I don't feel like I need to save hugs for marriage.

And so when I would tell other people in my church about my abuse story, they would want to hug me, and I decided to let them. These were not scary or inappropriate hugs, they were offered by both males and females (mostly female), and mostly side hugs. The frontal hugs "made room for Jesus" by keeping their distance from my body. These hugs were all in group settings - all ordinary.

But what would happen in response to these hugs is that I would experience a series of symptoms:

1. I would not feel anything. No happiness, no sense of oxytocin going to my brain.
2. My eyes would avert themselves from the person in question, almost involuntarily. If I tried to look at the person, my vision would stop working. I would see black spots on my vision and then the whole thing would go black until I looked at something that wasn't the other person's face.
3. Lose feeling in the arm that was holding the person. It feels like I don't have an arm, like my brain doesn't want to comprehend that I'm holding them.

This left what I'm sure was meant as friendly gesture feel like a plunge into cold darkness. I think my brain somehow is processing these hugs as an attack and doesn't want to believe that the other person is there hugging me. This is currently baffling my intellectual brain, which is telling me that a friendly hug with a brother or sister in Christ every so often is not an attack on my existence. Maybe my brain wants me to believe that a hug is meant to emotionally influence me and thus it is unsafe?

Anyway, recently I started to charge the hill and go out to a Christian singles group for the purpose of meeting new people and seeing how far away I was from finding the One and this problem happened again. It's been 4 years since the abuse ended, and this has happened consistently with every hug since. I would like to experience hugs without these symptoms, please and thank you. Is there some sort of exercise or therapy that I can do for this? Anyone else going/gone through a similar experience? Suggestions?

Also, #2 is a safety issue. If someone really is trying to hurt me, my body turning off my primary means of self-awareness is NOT cool. I'd rather feel a little warm and fuzzy from a hug while still being able to see and feel my next "attacker". At this point I'm considering banning all casual hugs from people, but I'm also wondering if repeated exposure to physical contact would actually help me overcome the problem.

In the meantime, I am feeling sorry for my poor body and inclined to buy it a teddy bear.

well a teddy bear may be helpful but a support group would likely be better there should be such groups for people have experienced things similar to what you have.

 

[Saucy]

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Much of it comes from how you were raised, so hugging wasn't something that was wired into your brain as a kid. Here's an excerpt from TIME magazine that might help.

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, says that there are two main ways that not being touched can affect a growing body: it can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen, which research shows can decrease people’s ability to be intimate or compassionate, and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system, the glands which release the oxytocin hormone that can help humans form bonds with other people.

Why Some People Hate Being Hugged, According to Science

And ways to overcome it

time.com

 

[linux.poet]

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Much of it comes from how you were raised, so hugging wasn't something that was wired into your brain as a kid. Here's an excerpt from TIME magazine that might help.

Why Some People Hate Being Hugged, According to Science

And ways to overcome it

time.com

Thanks, that was really helpful. I've ordered a book by Samantha Hess, who was mentioned in the article, and hopefully that will help me.

I did have access to teddy bears as a kid, though, and so apparently that circuitry still works. I did buy that bear and it's really been helping me reestablish communication with what little of my vagus nerve and oxytocin system remains.

 

[Saucy]

Thanks, that was really helpful. I've ordered a book by Samantha Hess, who was mentioned in the article, and hopefully that will help me.

I did have access to teddy bears as a kid, though, and so apparently that circuitry still works. I did buy that bear and it's really been helping me reestablish communication with what little of my vagus nerve and oxytocin system remains.

I will pray that is something that can be fixed as time goes on and you heal.

 

[linux.poet]

I will pray that is something that can be fixed as time goes on and you heal.

Thank you. I hope so too.

It's weird to experience an emotion that your body has but you're not actually feeling.

 

[StillGods]

I really like that you got the teddy bear, I'm sure it will help a lot

 

[linux.poet]

Update: So I was able to figure this out. It turns out what I was experiencing was my body feeling threatened by physical touch as a result of the abuse - touch = threat. The teddy bear REALLY helped my body learn that people (or cute bears) touching me isn't a threat anymore.

I think there still might be some progress to be made, but today I was able to hug a friend and I didn't black out at all - I was able to feel warm and my vision was crystal clear. This tells me that the bear and the information I've been looking at for childhood trauma has been helpful.

Samantha Hess's perspective was interesting, albeit one of an unbeliever. Heh.

 

[Saucy]

Update: So I was able to figure this out. It turns out what I was experiencing was my body feeling threatened by physical touch as a result of the abuse - touch = threat. The teddy bear REALLY helped my body learn that people (or cute bears) touching me isn't a threat anymore.

I think there still might be some progress to be made, but today I was able to hug a friend and I didn't black out at all - I was able to feel warm and my vision was crystal clear. This tells me that the bear and the information I've been looking at for childhood trauma has been helpful.

Samantha Hess's perspective was interesting, albeit one of an unbeliever. Heh.

Praise God! That's awesome to hear. Praying for continued healing.

 

[nhisname]

I don't know if anyone can help me, but I thought I would give this a shot.

In the beginning of 2018, I emerged from 23 years of emotional abuse. Part of the abuse involved my dad throwing me around and shoving me away from things, physical fighting, kicking me, trying to starve me at one point, and at one point punching me on the jaw.

Our family, other than this, has not been big into physical contact. We have gone months or years without hugging each other or touching each other at all. However, my relatives have hugged me, so I don't feel like I need to save hugs for marriage.

And so when I would tell other people in my church about my abuse story, they would want to hug me, and I decided to let them. These were not scary or inappropriate hugs, they were offered by both males and females (mostly female), and mostly side hugs. The frontal hugs "made room for Jesus" by keeping their distance from my body. These hugs were all in group settings - all ordinary.

But what would happen in response to these hugs is that I would experience a series of symptoms:

1. I would not feel anything. No happiness, no sense of oxytocin going to my brain.
2. My eyes would avert themselves from the person in question, almost involuntarily. If I tried to look at the person, my vision would stop working. I would see black spots on my vision and then the whole thing would go black until I looked at something that wasn't the other person's face.
3. Lose feeling in the arm that was holding the person. It feels like I don't have an arm, like my brain doesn't want to comprehend that I'm holding them.

This left what I'm sure was meant as friendly gesture feel like a plunge into cold darkness. I think my brain somehow is processing these hugs as an attack and doesn't want to believe that the other person is there hugging me. This is currently baffling my intellectual brain, which is telling me that a friendly hug with a brother or sister in Christ every so often is not an attack on my existence. Maybe my brain wants me to believe that a hug is meant to emotionally influence me and thus it is unsafe?

Anyway, recently I started to charge the hill and go out to a Christian singles group for the purpose of meeting new people and seeing how far away I was from finding the One and this problem happened again. It's been 4 years since the abuse ended, and this has happened consistently with every hug since. I would like to experience hugs without these symptoms, please and thank you. Is there some sort of exercise or therapy that I can do for this? Anyone else going/gone through a similar experience? Suggestions?

Also, #2 is a safety issue. If someone really is trying to hurt me, my body turning off my primary means of self-awareness is NOT cool. I'd rather feel a little warm and fuzzy from a hug while still being able to see and feel my next "attacker". At this point I'm considering banning all casual hugs from people, but I'm also wondering if repeated exposure to physical contact would actually help me overcome the problem.

In the meantime, I am feeling sorry for my poor body and inclined to buy it a teddy bear.

 

[nhisname]

Do you like animals? Do you have a pet?

 

[linux.poet]

Do you like animals? Do you have a pet?

I kind of like animals, but I have no pets at present. Also, I can't adopt one because of how my present living situation is, but if you have a recommendation for a pet for me to adopt, I will keep it in mind for the future.

I'm more of a cat person than a dog person...

 

[Saucy]

I kind of like animals, but I have no pets at present. Also, I can't adopt one because of how my present living situation is, but if you have a recommendation for a pet for me to adopt, I will keep it in mind for the future.

I'm more of a cat person than a dog person...

Get a crocodile.

 

[nhisname]

I kind of like animals, but I have no pets at present. Also, I can't adopt one because of how my present living situation is, but if you have a recommendation for a pet for me to adopt, I will keep it in mind for the future.

I'm more of a cat person than a dog person...

I kind of like animals, but I have no pets at present. Also, I can't adopt one because of how my present living situation is, but if you have a recommendation for a pet for me to adopt, I will keep it in mind for the future.

I'm more of a cat person than a dog person...

 

[nhisname]

The Lord brought pets to mind when I was reading your post. I've had both cats and dogs and cats seem to be more affectionate but only on their terms. As long as they're fed,watered,and have a place to sleep they're happy. The more you interact with them the more they trust and want to be near you. We can learn alot from pets. Prayers and hugs

 

[nhisname]

Get a crocodiles

I would have to say it would take a special person to want take on something that will not love you back.

 

[linux.poet]

I would have to say it would take a special person to want take on something that will not love you back.

Some people enjoy threatening to inflict, and actually inflicting, pain on others. A crocodile would facilitate this task.

I am one of those people, as my friend Saucy understands. However, those of us who enjoy looking threatening and winning need to understand that there are healthy ways to fulfill that desire and unhealthy ones. A chess board is a healthy place for it. A romantic relationship is not. And sometimes gentleness and compassion are the biggest wins that make people squirm the most.

It's not really that special - there are a lot of competitive people out there who enjoy pushing themselves to be better than the other guy or gal and adore looking intimidating. You probably just aren't one of them and thus don't understand. That's okay. I think those who don't have the desire to be a fighter have easier lives, because society protects them and gives them a straightforward path.

As for the dogs and cats, unfortunately that's not an option for me right now, but I'll keep it in mind for the future. Neither do I have a moat suitable for crocodile habitation presently. But all of that is good ideas for the future.