Hugging

[Speluncher]

How do y'all think about hugs?

 

[Ginsu]

Maybe thats just the way she knows how to hug?

 

[Stanfi]

I think maybe some people give hugs out of a feeling of obligation at church. I have noticed that people don't know well will want to shake hands, and keep the clasped hands between us, and give a one arm sort of hug.

Then others that I do know will will meet me with both arms wide open, and give a nice big hug.

This girl was just not confortable with giving you a hug. The true reason can only be specualtion by us here.

 

[Brittany108]

Umm . . .I don't really think you can assume it was a sexual thing . . .perhaps she was just uncomfortable giving you a hug or maybe she didn't want to make you uncomfortable by giving you a bear hug. . .

 

[Iggster]

Or you might just be over analyzing the whole situation.

How about she just wanted to give you a hug for having been so kind and being a gentleman? If she wanted even more, she would've had your address and phone number. May be even your social security number, along with your work number. Now that's creepy weird.

 

[Snowhite]

It kind of wierded me out. Kind of like a limp, cold-fish handshake. I don't really need hugs, and I didn't ask for one, but this was kind of gross. I wonder what she was afraid of -- maybe she knows something about her sexual fantasies and responses that I don't. Creepy!

It's pretty presumptuous to assume she has some problems with lust because she didn't give you a full blown bear hug. Lighten up.

 

[fishstix]

I just came back from a missions trip with a group from my church, and as I said good bye to one of the young women in the church parking lot, she gave me this hug. Well, it wasn't really a hug, it was this kind of "Let's reach around each other's bodies and maybe lightly touch the top of each other's shoulders" thing.

It kind of wierded me out. Kind of like a limp, cold-fish handshake. I don't really need hugs, and I didn't ask for one, but this was kind of gross. It made me wonder what she was afraid of -- maybe she knows something about her sexual fantasies and responses that I don't. Creepy!

Anyway, next time she moves in for a hug, I'll give her the "no thanks" look. I can get hugs from people who won't make it a sexual thing. ***Shudders***

How do y'all think about these kinds of hugs?

It's interesting that you are getting the impression that a shoulder hug was a sexual thing. Most people I know of who shoulder hug do it because they are purposely trying to make it a not sexual thing. In other words, they would view a normal hug with someone of the opposite gender as being too much physical contact so instead they just do a kind of half hug around the shoulders to make it less physical and thus not sexual. So basically your reaction is probably exactly what she was trying to avoid. It likely has nothing to do with any sexual fantasies and responses on her part but more likely with where she has set her boundaries for how far she will go with guys (normal hugging likely being too far in her opinion). Either that or a pastor or spiritual leader of some sort has taught her that normal hugs by opposite genders aren't appropriate and that shoulder hugging is the way to go. Or perhaps she wasn't sure if she really knew you well enough to hug you so decided to go with a half hug in order to not weird you out.

Personally, I don't especially like shoulder hugs as I like regular hugs and don't find regular hugs to be a sexual thing at all. As long as the hug isn't really prolonged then I have no problem with hugging the opposite gender. I find shoulder hugs to be kind of pointless because if I'm not close enough to the person to give them a real hug then I'll give them a handshake. If I'm close enough to them to hug then a real hug is much warmer and better expresses friendship in my opinion. But if the other person is really only comfortable with shoulder hugs then I'll respect their boundaries and go with that.

 

[TriptychR]

It almost sounds like you were more uncomfortable with the hug than she was, Speluncher. What were you taught about hugging?

 

[Speluncher]

Hugging is fine.

 

[fishstix]

But this girl doing this hyper-sexualized shoulder hug thing really my skin crawl. She made me feel very uncomfortable. I've always truely believed that it's not right for anyone to make a person feel uncomfortable in this way.

Try hyper-desexualized and you might be more accurate. She probably was trying very hard not to make you feel uncomfortable. Let her know that you feel uncomfortable with that kind of hug and she probably won't do it again.

 

[Speluncher]

I like hugs.

 

[FaithfulServant]

She was just probably trying to hug you in a way where she wouldn't have to squeeze you so that you felt her chest against yours. For some men it is a stumbling block if they receive hugs like these. Next time opt for a side hug.

 

[RadG]

But hugs aren't sexual. And it seems that only someone with their minds in the wrong place would be so super conscious of bodies touching and what might happen if they did. All I know is that she made me feel queesy like I needed to quick take a shower after she touched me.

A lot depends on what each person's love language is. Maybe hers is touch where physical contact tends to be some form of way of showing love. I know I am this way if it is anything other than a handshake I am usually uncomfortable. I have only comfortably hugged one female that I was not related to, most who are the hugging type usually just say hi to me or will shake my hand which I am content with, but anything more than that in my opinion is just too intimate for me but that is just my personality. No my mind is not in the gutter just my love languages are probably physical touch and quality time.

 

[Tuffguy]

But hugs aren't sexual. And it seems that only someone with their minds in the wrong place would be so super conscious of bodies touching and what might happen if they did. All I know is that she made me feel queesy like I needed to quick take a shower after she touched me.

I've had many sexual hugs. But there are many many different kinds. I think you just need to relax and not be so uptight.

I'm a hugger. I hug lots of girls that i'm just friends with. I don't do it all the time,,usually i do only if i haven't seen them in a while or if its their b-day or something.

 

[fishstix]

But hugs aren't sexual. And it seems that only someone with their minds in the wrong place would be so super conscious of bodies touching and what might happen if they did. All I know is that she made me feel queesy like I needed to quick take a shower after she touched me.

In your opinion they aren't sexual. But some people do consider them to be inappropriate between genders. In most people's opinion, half hugs/ shoulder hugs are most certainly not sexual, yet you seem to feel that they are. So clearly people have differing opinions on what sort of hugging is and isn't appropriate. Like I've said a couple of times, your reaction is probably the exact opposite of the girl's intentions and just letting her know that you aren't comfortable with that sort of hug will probably go a long way towards fixing the problem. Her mind probably was no where near where you are imagining that it was. She probably made her mind up long ago that that is how she would hug guys or people she doesn't know really well, perhaps after being told by a pastor or authority figure that shoulder hugs are more appropriate than full ones. In all probability it had nothing to do with her having sexual thoughts on her mind.

 

[startingover]

A lot of girls are natural huggers. Some do it flirtatiously and others do it in a friendly way. But I do know what you mean about someone hugging you and it just feels wrong. Did it seem like she stayed there too long? She may or may not have sexual or romantic intentions, but be cautious. Is there a way you can find out if she is interested in you? Did she hug everyone else (or most of the other people there at least)? If almost everyone got a hug, you have nothing to worry about. If you're the only one.... just be careful.

 

[Periann]

Does anyone else other than me find this thread ridiculous? You're vetoing her because you felt her hug was filled with sexual tension and that means that her mind MUST have been in the wrong place....RIGHT. That's the first conclusion I'll jump to next time when I get a hug like that. She could have just been having a one arm hug day for all you know, lighten up. Just because you didn't like her hug it doesn't mean you have to categorize her in this 'unclean mind' category.

ANd on a sidenote: THis is my 1000th post in CF!! Yay!! *brings chips and dip and lots of icecream for everyone to celebrate.*

 

[Living4Him03]

amen

 

[hischildsindik]

I have known women who only hug in a sexual setting, it was strange for me to not hug her. I'm personally a hugger, born and raised that way and darn happy to be one. I have give and received several different types of hugs. There are the side to side hugs, the A line hug which is the shoulder to shoulder only hug, bear hugs, the off-set hug where mostly shoulders though but off center. If you don't want to hug, just reach your hand out and give her a huge grin and a handshake. Hugs are awesome, no matter what kind, unless they are the wandering-hands-hugs...

 

[Living4Him03]

Maybe I'm just reading into it, but maybe the reason you complain so much is because you like this girl? I'm not saying you wanted it to be a sexual thing, but maybe you thought she meant more by the hug than she really did. In my youth group in high school i remember how some of the girls would hug the guys or anyone...here we call them "butt out" hugs where you barely hug someone. I've always thought of those kind of hugs to be the "ewww I don't want to touch you" or the "I don't know you well enough to really hug you" type of hug. Often mission trips bring a group closer together and it's more likely that more hugs will be shared. On one of the trips I went on in high school our group grew a lot that week and became so much closer. One night after we sang some praise songs and talked about how God was working in our lives during that trip. We ALL went around and hugged one another. With some of the guys I felt closer to them and I knew they wouldn't think I was hitting on them if I gave them a big hug. With others I had to be cautious. She may have not known what impression she would have given you had she given you a big bear hug. Relax. Maybe she felt closer to you after the trip and wanted to show that through a little hug. It doesn't mean she wants to marry you or do the nasty. Ask her about it if it really makes you uncomfortable.