HUGE Age Gap!

[eyeliv4God]

I know there's already a topic on age differences, but I wanted to start a new thread because my situation is a little bit different than Holly's. I know I'm probably going to receive constructive criticism for this, but that's what I'm looking for. I am only going to tell the truth and want nothing but the truth from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

After five months of being single, I met a wonderful man named Travis online. We live quite a ways away... 2260.88 miles, to be exact. I live in Fort Wayne, IN. and he lives in the Seattle, WA area. We've been talking for about a month now, either online or on the phone. We talk almost every day for at least a half hour. We really have grown to like and care deeply for each other. In fact, he told me Saturday night that he loved me. He's not "in love", but he said he feels "a love that a man feels for a woman; a love that a partner feels for his significant other when they first begin to have strong feelings for each other". Even though some might not understand this kind of love, I know what he means because I feel the same way about him.

I feel like we've been taking it slow. Everything seems to be great between us right now. We've had about three arguments, all of which were settled in about 24 hours. We respect, care for, and love one another. I like taking it slow with him; it makes me feel like there will be an awesome reward down the line.

Another reason I appreciate him is because he reunited me with Christ. I haven't been on this board in a long time, and he would constantly encourage me go back to the Lord without hesitation because he was confident that God would always welcome me warmly. Come to find out, Travis was absolutely right.

Travis is really sweet, and I'm not saying that just because I think he is, but he really is genuinely nice, a real gentleman. Of course, there's so much more to him than what I've mentioned, more than I know. That's why I'm slowly getting to know him. I'm not going to put myself in a position that will allow me to get hurt. Since we met online, I realize I'm taking a big risk. But he's shown a genuineness that makes me want to take that risk.

My problem (well, I wouldn't call it mine, exactly) is that he's 38, about 20 years older than me. Actually, it does make me uncomfortable, only because of the fact that I'm not too sure how he feels about the age gap. I haven't really asked him how he feels about me; he just tells me often, "I never imagined that I'd feel such a connection with a 19-year-old."

I guess I just want to hear some opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[bobsgal]

Sure thing is this...you may wanna ask him what he thinks first before you get yourself all worked up! Look at my thread!

 

[eyeliv4God]

Sure thing is this...you may wanna ask him what he thinks first before you get yourself all worked up! Look at my thread!

I just talked to him and asked him if my age bothers him and without hesitation, he said, "Nope, not really... why, does mine you?" Of course I paused before answering, "Not really, I'm just worried mine bothers you."

 

[septemberskies]

hmm.. for me personally i have an age limit of about 5 years because i don't see what i would have in common with an older gentleman.

I don't know if others will agree with my opinion but here it goes....

It doesn't make a difference whether you met him online or in person, the age gap in this case matters. You are at two different stages in your life and really don't have much in common (although it may seem that way now).

The age difference really starts to reveal itself later on because what you want now is different from what you want in a few years and he is a bit more settled in what he wants.

You should really think of the long term (about possibly dating him, your family's thoughts, your own, etc) and don't lead him or yourself on. I would say if you were older, like in your late 20s or early 30s that is a bit different. You then have a better footing on what you want out of life and what your getting into.

Be honest with yourself about your comfort level is my advice and pray about things.

 

[eyeliv4God]

hmm.. for me personally i have an age limit of about 5 years because i don't see what i would have in common with an older gentleman.

I don't know if others will agree with my opinion but here it goes....

It doesn't make a difference whether you met him online or in person, the age gap in this case matters. You are at two different stages in your life and really don't have much in common (although it may seem that way now).

The age difference really starts to reveal itself later on because what you want now is different from what you want in a few years and he is a bit more settled in what he wants.

You should really think of the long term (about possibly dating him, your family's thoughts, your own, etc) and don't lead him or yourself on. I would say if you were older, like in your late 20s or early 30s that is a bit different. You then have a better footing on what you want out of life and what your getting into.

Be honest with yourself about your comfort level is my advice and pray about things.

Thank you very much for your opinion. It does me good to hear advice such as this.

I've always been more mature for my age. I know exactly what I want later on down the line, and I believe Trav does too, but right now, we're not too sure of what we want with each other. Companionship is what makes us happy right now and things are "perfect" the way they are now. It's just too early on in the relationship to tell.

I'm not uncomfortable with his age, I was just uncomfortable being left out in the cold as far as his thoughts about my age. We talked tonight and he's not uncomfortable with my age.

I've talked to God about my relationship with him, and coming from straight from God, not my heart, is the reply that the Lord is definitely pleased with us. A lot of people in this forum don't know about my previous relationship (which ended about 5 months ago), but the people in the Women's Discussion forum do. I was engaged and unequally yoked for a year when, right before I was totally blindsided and lost track of God, I had strength enough to let go of David (my ex) because I knew that we would never make it with our different beliefs. I realized that I was sinning a long time ago, but it was then that I fully realized the consequences of my sins. That was 5 months ago.

 

[eyeliv4God]

I forgot to mention the reason why God is telling me He is pleased with us.

God's told me that He's brought Travis into my life because I needed him to help me back to Jesus. I hear God telling me that as my relationship with Him grows, so will my relationship with Travis.

 

[septemberskies]

I'm also a person who really has an inner old lady in her lol. People always referred to me as Miss because i'm such an old soul.

Still despite my age and my maturity, what i've wanted did and has continued to change and grow... you don't see that now but you will.

If your confident and you feel the Lord is talking to you on this matter then you really don't need anyone's input. What's the point in hearing what others think?

 

[eyeliv4God]

What's the point in hearing what others think?

Why not hear what others have to say? I'm mature, but there are others that are outside looking in on this that are much wiser than me.

 

[septemberskies]

Why not? Because if your positive you've gotten the answer right you don't go back and ask the person behind you how they answered the question... just doesn't make much sense and causes you to second guess yourself.

When you hear God speak to your spirit (and you recognize His voice),what everyone else says doesn't count... know what i mean?

 

[eyeliv4God]

Why not? Because if your positive you've gotten the answer right you don't go back and ask the person behind you how they answered the question... just doesn't make much sense and causes you to second guess yourself.

When you hear God speak to your spirit (and you recognize His voice),what everyone else says doesn't count... know what i mean?

Of course I don't always have the answers. I just talked to a very wise friend of mine that told me that she doesn't believe in soul mates because she thinks there are many possibilities for everyone out there, including the possibility of no one. She also told me that Trav may have been put into my life for the reason of leading me back to Christ and that's it. That may very well be a possibility and I never thought about that until she told me, but if it comes down to that, then great! I'm just going to enjoy his companionship for now.

 

[septemberskies]

By no means do i think you believe you always have the answers but if you are sure of something because God told you so, don't ever question it (or ask others their thoughts) is the bottomline. Sometimes asking others will stir up a ton of doubts.

In any event, time will definitely tell so allow more room to get to know him along with lots of prayer. Ask God to guide things to what they should be and He will.

 

[eyeliv4God]

In any event, time will definitely tell so allow more room to get to know him along with lots of prayer. Ask God to guide things to what they should be and He will.

Great advice.

 

[Oblivious]

If you're "of age" i.e. 18 years old + then age doesn't matter unless you make it matter.

I'm being lazy (sorry ) so see my post in the "the other" thread about this.

 

[eyeliv4God]

If you're "of age" i.e. 18 years old + then age doesn't matter unless you make it matter.

I'm being lazy (sorry ) so see my post in the "the other" thread about this.

I read your post and I honestly don't see anything wrong with the age difference either.

I had a conversation with a friend today and it helped me settle my feelings a little as far as this whole sitch is concerned.

Me: What do you think about the age difference?

Friend: personally I would think someone your ages may not have a lot in common and I would question why a man wouldn't want a woman with more life experience....I'm not saying it is wrong....it would just lead me to ask questions, that's all

Me: I asked him last night if the age difference made him uncomfortable and he said, "No, I just never thought I'd connect so much with a 19-year-old."

Friend: I would just want to be sure he wasn't trying to take advantage in any way of someone who is younger with such a kind heart

Me: Travis and are are on different levels when it comes to some things, obviously, but we have a lot of other things in common, and I'm not just talking about food, music, etc. I'm talking about the stuff that really matters.

The last thing I said to my friend made so much sense to me and I should have said this at the very beginning of this thread.

 

[eyeliv4God]

Travis should have to pass an interview with all of us first before you guys can date (kidding, kidding, rofl, couldn't help myself )

~ ~

ROFL, see that's why I love you!

 

[Ceris]

Hmmm - I'll tell you right off the bat that I feel . . . hesitant about the whole age thing - now, I do have some neighbors (and good family friends) in which the husband is in his late 60's and his wife is in her late 40's (about a 20 year age gap), but they met and got married about when the husband was in his 50's and the wife in her 30's (or so).

You keep saying your posts "companionship". Now, companionship does not always have to be romantic. It could be that God has in mind for you to have this man as a friend, rather than a romatic interest, especially considering the large distance between you two (geographically speaking).

Septemberskies has given some good general advice, but I would like to (respectfully) caution against one thing.

By no means do i think you believe you always have the answers but if you are sure of something because God told you so, don't ever question it (or ask others their thoughts) is the bottomline.

I would like to add a "qualifier" to this, if you will. Be cautioned that it can be very difficult sometimes to discern whether something is because "God told me so" or because we simply wish it to be true. I have, in the past, seen people absolutely dead certain that Gold told them to do something that was rather a result of their wishing it to be true. This can, in certain cases, lead to problems/troubles.

While this man seems to be very much interested romatically in you, you do not (in your posts at least) come across as expressing the same amount of romantic interest i n him.

I would advise that you seriously take some time (before pursuing this relationship further) to analyze how you feel about this (as objectively as possible ) and attempt to discern why you feel this way? For example - do you feel the same way about this man as he does about you? Are you simply seeking companionship, something that could fufilled by just friends? Do you feel comfortable with this age gap? Do you feel that you guys are ok with your different stages in life? (Let's face it, this guy is almost twice your age, and as such has had a whole lot more life experiences/maturity, no matter how mature you might be for your age). These are some questions that you might want to pose to yourself.

If I have come across as insulting or jumping to conclusions, forgive me, for that is not my intention.

I hope all goes well with you in this adventure. May God grant you wisdom to discern what is right and good.

God Bless,
Ceris

One more thing: I highly, highly believe that despite how much you think you may know a person, you cannot truly get to know them fully unless you spend time around them.

Blue Impulse has some thoughts on this as she has had experience with online relationships. She also gives out some of the best advice on this board - my best advice would be to listen to her as she (almost always) knows what she is talking about. :thumbup: to her advice.

 

[septemberskies]

I would like to add a "qualifier" to this, if you will. Be cautioned that it can be very difficult sometimes to discern whether something is because "God told me so" or because we simply wish it to be true. I have, in the past, seen people absolutely dead certain that Gold told them to do something that was rather a result of their wishing it to be true. This can, in certain cases, lead to problems/troubles.

I couldn't have said it better... this is actually what i was inferring by knowing God's voice. She was posting because she is obviously questioning things mentally (It's evident by her post here and also by asking friends).

I've known people (and also in my relationship) where they said "God said" this and that, but they kept asking me about it which is a clear indicator they need to really think about it more.They truly expect an opposing view(like "come on and hit me with your best shot!") so they can defend themselves against others and reaffirm something they are not sure of. So i wanted her to see this and self-reevalute the situation because again i didn't want to make it seem like i was attacking her.

Let me tell ya from personal experience that the "God told me and i'm positive" thought nearly cost me a relationship of 4 years because this person was dead set on believing something that wasnt' so, we are in the process of working things out but its a tough thing to recover from.

-septemberskies

 

[Iggster]

Another reason I appreciate him is because he reunited me with Christ.

For the most part, I agree with most of the posters. I was involved in a relationship where she was 10 years older than I was. We were at different points in our lives. Our goals were different. But I know of a couple that has been married for over 15 years and managed to give each other room to grow.

What I am bothered about is the statement you made about Travis (Sis, I'll be as polite about this as I can. I don't care to offend people. I'm sure God has spoken to you in His own way). But it shouldn't take another person to lead you back to Christ. You have to want to come to your First Love all on your own free will. I don't know about you. But when Travis, or any other guy for that matter is long gone, the only one who will be there is the Lord Himself. Don't forget. There are two powers at work in this world. One will decieve and tear your heart apart. The other, to mend all wounds of the past and present; True Love, Our Christ Jesus. If you seek your happiness in the flesh, you will be truly disappointed. I'll keep you in my prayers, sis.

 

[Tegger]

I started a similar thread back in June.... http://www.christianforums.com/t1773345

If you guys do get into a romantic relationship how do you plan on telling your parents about him if things get serious? I still haven't said anything to my parents, but I also don't live with them. I'm still afraid to say anything because they're pretty legalistic and they'd probably freak out at first.

Also think about what it will be like to go to the movies with your friends and your date is old enough to be your dad. For the most part, such an age gap is socially unaccepted so be ready for criticism. I know you guys live far apart, but if things got serious enough, you'd have to meet in person. When people hear that your boyfriend is 38 and you met him on the internet they're automatically gonna assume that he's a pervert or a guy thats really desperate.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

It really depends on the two people involved. Obviously you are both legal, consenting adults. My boyfriend is 41 and I'm 25. When I was born he was almost a senior in high school. While I was watching My Little Pony, he was going to bars and drinking with his college buddies. But we click. I can't explain it. When you have no reservations about it is when you know the age gap won't become a problem.