how wrong is this???

cbudc · Nov 19, 2004

Some of you might know my wife up and left me. I have since found out she is cheating on me and she wants a divorce. We haven't really been in too much contact as I don't think I can bear to talk to her knowing that she is sleeping with another man (or lack ther of). She's young and immature but that's no excuse for this.

However, I recently have been in contact with my ex-girlfriend from years and years ago. She was my high school sweetheart and we dated for around 3 years or so. We've talked for quite a while about what's going on blah blah blah. We've always kept in touch until I got married and I didn't talk to her the whole time my wife and I were married. I'm so torn up now cause I look back on my marriage and all the horrible things my wife has said to me. It hurts. Then I look at my relationship with my ex and remember how great it was and the love we shared. We want to visit each other in the future and I know this is wrong as I am still technically married. I don't know. I'm just so confused at what God wants for me and what I should do. All I know is these past few days since I have talked to my ex I have been in so much better spirits. Yes I have thought about what it would be like to be with her again and often times wish we would be together again. I have had time to deal and heal with my wife leaving as this has been going on since August. I don't feel that I'm rebounding cause this is not how I usually do things. Anyways. I don't really know what I was asking but maybe some advice. Some think I should stop some think it's great. My mom thinks it's good and actually encouraged me but my step dad is very discouraging of it. I don't know. Thanks for your comments and advice.

drumbum · Nov 19, 2004

you know, we tend to remember all the good times from a past relationship, but we tend to forget the reasons why we broke up. relationships always look better after the fact, but remember how you felt when you were actually in it, especially towards the end of the relationship. and, anyway, i think it is way too early to start seeing someone, even if it is just as "friends", especially if she's your ex. and remember, you're still married. every women is out of bounds until you are no longer married.

awen · Nov 19, 2004

You made a commitment to your wife.

Honour it.

Life is difficult - it throws all kinds of awful things our way, and we deal with them the best way that we can. However, we can't see the future. Your wife may wake up tomorrow and realize what a terrible mistake she has made... but if you commit yourself to someone else, what then?

Take some time out for yourself. Think of all the reasons that you married your wife in the first place, and remember why you love her. Then remind yourself that you made a commitment to the Lord, not just to her, the day that you married.

I know you're hurt. I can't imagine how you could NOT be hurt. But don't let that hurt push you in the wrong direction. Allow it to push you toward the Lord, but never toward another woman, even if she's just a friend. God can, and has, done miraculous things in marriages, even bringing them back from the brink of divorce. He can heal any hurt, and bring peace and joy and love, where before, there was only heartache.

Trust Him, and pray.
I'll be praying for you.

Ben.

hygienemom · Nov 19, 2004

You should read the book "Every Man's Battle"
There is a section about thinking about ex's
Good Luck
God Bless

seekfirst · Nov 19, 2004

cbudc said:
Some of you might know my wife up and left me. I have since found out she is cheating on me and she wants a divorce. We haven't really been in too much contact as I don't think I can bear to talk to her knowing that she is sleeping with another man (or lack ther of). She's young and immature but that's no excuse for this.

However, I recently have been in contact with my ex-girlfriend from years and years ago. She was my high school sweetheart and we dated for around 3 years or so. We've talked for quite a while about what's going on blah blah blah. We've always kept in touch until I got married and I didn't talk to her the whole time my wife and I were married. I'm so torn up now cause I look back on my marriage and all the horrible things my wife has said to me. It hurts. Then I look at my relationship with my ex and remember how great it was and the love we shared. We want to visit each other in the future and I know this is wrong as I am still technically married. I don't know. I'm just so confused at what God wants for me and what I should do. All I know is these past few days since I have talked to my ex I have been in so much better spirits. Yes I have thought about what it would be like to be with her again and often times wish we would be together again. I have had time to deal and heal with my wife leaving as this has been going on since August. I don't feel that I'm rebounding cause this is not how I usually do things. Anyways. I don't really know what I was asking but maybe some advice. Some think I should stop some think it's great. My mom thinks it's good and actually encouraged me but my step dad is very discouraging of it. I don't know. Thanks for your comments and advice.

First off, you need to stop this with your ex. You are still married, and you need to be devoting this time to praying and believing for reconciliation of your marriage. Satan knows our weaknesses, and he will use people to help us fall. I am sorry you are going through this. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.

Avaya · Nov 19, 2004

Don't do it. I don't know what God has in store for you, but I can honestly say that any relationship you seek with her will just cause trouble further down the line. I met and began dating my husband before his divorce was final. I feel so much guilt over the fact that we didn't wait till his divorce was final (we were not together during his former marriage!). At the time, I was a baby Christian and didn't even realize that he shouldn't remarry after divorcing but it's done now. I just think you should try to remember the good times with your WIFE and let God work out His plans without your interference. I know you're young and it's hard to resist what 'you' want in favor of what God wants. But His plans are supreme and if you do your part, there's no telling what kind of awesome end God has planned for this. Don't mess it up by trying to get your way sooner.

tonya · Nov 19, 2004

I have to agree with Seekfirst and Avaya...satan does know our weaknesses and he is the author of confusion! Pray and let God be in control...trust me I know this HARD!!!!! but the battle belongs to him..so let Him fight it...go on the trip you were talking about...and in that time PRAY like you have NEVER prayed before...God can do the impossible...sometimes that takes time and we do not understand..but we don't have to understand EVERYTHING!!! BUT I too think you should be by yourself for a while and grow closer to God and pray and God will reveal things to you...God bless..Tonya

Jenna · Nov 19, 2004

I completely agree with Ben.

You are married. Run from the temptation if you must, but do not entertain it in your mind or heart. God is capable of the most amazing things, including restoring marriages that others considered to be dead.

Svt4Him · Nov 19, 2004

If your wife has had an affair, and left you, you have every right to get a divorce. In the event that that is your decision, I would suggest waiting a bit for a few reasons:
1. You will need time to heal
2. You don't want someone else coming in with a 'saviour mentality'
3. Hindsight is not 20/20, that's a fallacy. We tend to remember in good light or in the most benificial light to us.
4. Until you are divorced, you are still married. Don't try and ignore this or justify any actions that are contrary to what a married person will do. You are responsible for your integrity, not your wife's.
5. Take a honest evaluation of your life. This part sucks, but I don't believe it's ever totally one persons fault for a divorce.

Busybee · Nov 19, 2004

I'm with everyone else on this one. Rather you realize it or not your flesh is going to seek out comfort from another person (it may start off harmless with conversations, but it could lead to something it shouldn't). I just pray the person you seek will be a pastor who can council you through this rough time. The hurt you're feeling now will cloud your thinking.

You do have the rights to divorce if you don't want a reconciliation, however, just because you KNOW you're getting a divorce that doesn't mean you are yet. Until that time you are a married man, bound by the vows you made before the Lord.

I'd suggest taking time out even after the divorce, devote that time to prayer, healing/forgiving, and letting the Lord show you clearly where he wants you in regards to a future relationship with anyone. If you and the ex are meant to be together then there's nothing that will stand in the way of that. Remember, it's God's will and not ours.

mghalpern · Nov 19, 2004

Svt4Him said:
If your wife has had an affair, and left you, you have every right to get a divorce.

Svt4Him... With this line of reasoning, if the OP ever lied to his wife, ever spoke harshly to her, ever withheld love from her, ever sinned against her in any way, then she had every RIGHT to leave him for the truth, sweat words, and love, of another many. See...apparently sin isn't sin isn't sin. We all go back and forth about divorce and/or remarriage in these threads and are told that divorce and/or remarriage isn't the unpardonable sin, yet when there is infidelity (or even abuse), it IS the unforgivable sin. We can't have it both ways. There isn't a sin that the Lord won't forgive us Christians of unless we don't forgive the sins of those who sin against us. This is true love. Unfortunately, we are incapable of true love. Unfortunately, all things aren't possible with Christ Jesus. Unfortunately, this is exactly the way the world see us...not the way the Lord said they should... You will know them by their love for each other. How sad...Michael

p_kitha · Nov 19, 2004

I think first of all you should get divorced because your wife din't respect you she was unfaithfull. You should first get divorced and then think about other women because you like it or not you are still married and if you do anything with your ex or with other women you are cheating on your wife and you are doing the same thing she did to you. After you get your divorce then you can think of other women but always led God guide you on the right way and always remember the pros and contras of your last relationship..

cbudc · Nov 19, 2004

Thanks everyone. I know I'm probably trying to use this as a comfort and a means to get over this whole mess a lot faster. I'm just about 100% positive that my wife doesn't want this marriage. See I do, I want to forgive and work on our marriage but she doesn't want to. Honestly I know this is the best thing for me, to lean on God and pray pray pray. I'm trying to. Keep praying for me and my wife. I love her so much and I do want her back but sometimes it's hard thinking I could be with her after she has slept with another man. That's not a very positive image or nothin.

Jenna · Nov 19, 2004

I think that a good many of us can understand your uncertainty about taking your wife back after her infidelity. This is definitely something that the two of you could work through though, if she made the decision to come home and reconcile with you.

My heart really goes out to you. It is so hard to see the pain that is caused when folks become selfish and think that adultery will make them happy, no matter the damage done. I'll be praying for you, your wife, and your marriage.

Why? · Nov 19, 2004

Okay... here I am with my unpopular opinions.

Your wife cheated on you. You do have every right to divorce her.

Matthew 19

9"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

I agree with those who have said that you need to wait until the divorce is final before trying to start another relationship. But I do not agree with those who want you to wait around for your wife to come back to you. Don't make yourself a doormat.

If you don't think she wants to get back together, and you want to move on with your life... I say go for it. Sitting around and waiting for her to get tired if this boyfriend will only make you more depressed. And who's to say she'd stick around the second time? She left, none of this is your fault.

Svt4Him · Nov 19, 2004

mghalpern said:
Svt4Him... With this line of reasoning, if the OP ever lied to his wife, ever spoke harshly to her, ever withheld love from her, ever sinned against her in any way, then she had every RIGHT to leave him for the truth, sweat words, and love, of another many. See...apparently sin isn't sin isn't sin. We all go back and forth about divorce and/or remarriage in these threads and are told that divorce and/or remarriage isn't the unpardonable sin, yet when there is infidelity (or even abuse), it IS the unforgivable sin. We can't have it both ways. There isn't a sin that the Lord won't forgive us Christians of unless we don't forgive the sins of those who sin against us. This is true love. Unfortunately, we are incapable of true love. Unfortunately, all things aren't possible with Christ Jesus. Unfortunately, this is exactly the way the world see us...not the way the Lord said they should... You will know them by their love for each other. How sad...Michael

This may be, but the sin of sex outside of marriage is given special recognition in the Bible. And to forgive does not mean there is no consequence. The consequence of an affair can be divorce, and the must be some reason God allows this. This is clearly laid out in the Bible.

mghalpern · Nov 19, 2004

Why? said:
Okay... here I am with my unpopular opinions.

Your wife cheated on you. You do have every right to divorce her.

Matthew 19

9"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

I agree with those who have said that you need to wait until the divorce is final before trying to start another relationship. But I do not agree with those who want you to wait around for your wife to come back to you. Don't make yourself a doormat.

If you don't think she wants to get back together, and you want to move on with your life... I say go for it. Sitting around and waiting for her to get tired if this boyfriend will only make you more depressed. And who's to say she'd stick around the second time? She left, none of this is your fault.

Why?... "none of this is your fault." Wow, that's quite a bold statement since we know very little about their lives, or her side of the story. Once again...Christians just giving in, giving up and telling each other to "move on." Sorry...just grieves me...Michael

Svt4Him · Nov 19, 2004

It's not giving up, nor giving in, but moving on is a heck of a lot better than getting in a rut.

mghalpern · Nov 19, 2004

Svt4Him said:
This may be, but the sin of sex outside of marriage is given special recognition in the Bible. And to forgive does not mean there is no consequence. The consequence of an affair can be divorce, and the must be some reason God allows this. This is clearly laid out in the Bible.

Svt4Him... You are absolutely correct. The reason?...due to hardness of heart (I prefer to remain soft at heart) and though this is "allowed," it still ought to be the very last options. There is not much testimony of Christ working in our lives and doing miracles when we choose divorce, especially as the first way of resolution. I suggest asking the Lord what He might want one to learn from their life experience and see if He isn't calling one to live well above their human means. It generally takes a lot more reliance on God to live through the issues leading to divorce than it does to live through a divorce (especially when most just turn to another human being sometime soon after)...Michael

mghalpern · Nov 19, 2004

Svt4Him said:
It's not giving up, nor giving in, but moving on is a heck of a lot better than getting in a rut.

Svt4Him... No one says you have to live in a rut. There are lots of people who can live wonderful lives (and often much closer to the Lord) while they are going through great difficulty in their life...Michael

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