How would you react in this situation. Really need advice

[sk8brdkd]

I have a friend who lives 25 min away and she doesn’t drive. (Pre Covid), we would often hang out average 12+ times a month, maybe more. I always had to go there, pick her up, drive wherever we were headed, drive her home and then drive myself home. It’s been 4 yrs of this and I’ve been starting to get a huge resentment towards her bc of this. And she doesn’t want to take uber bc it’s too expensive.. (it’s about $24 1 way for her to take Uber to my house).

She’s told me for 3 yrs that she was going to get her license but she never does. I’ve found a few very good driving schools for her too.

On Thursday, she asked if we could go hiking Sunday bc she was free. So, Saturday evening, I spent about 45 min trying to find an easier hike for her that was somewhat near her so I wouldn’t have to do extra driving. I txt her about it & she agreed. Sunday came, she called me in the morning stating she can only be out hiking about an hour bc of a paper that was due at midnight on Sunday.... so we canceled bc there’s no point in driving all that distance to maybe ‘hike’ 20 min.

I even worked out how much it’d cost her to have a car vs how much she’s spending on Uber yearly. Avg price she’s spending on Uber yearly is $7500. If she had a car, possible avg price she’d be spending on it, is $3500.

idk what to do. I like her as a friend. I enjoy hanging out with her but I’m overly annoyed bc she doesn’t want any give/take, or she’ll say, I’ll come to you but I’ll need you to take me home... it costs me money too and she makes more money then I do. (Right now I’m not working).

The 1 time I wanted to go hiking near me, I told her to meet at my house by 12... she couldn’t get an Uber til 2pm that day. She made an excuse but if she can always make it to work on time, then why can’t she make it to my house on time?

Sorry for ranting. I’m annoyed and I don’t know how to properly handle this situation or what to say to her. I’ve prayed about it but.. ‍

What should I do?

 

[Andrewn]

I have a friend who lives 25 min away and she doesn’t drive. (Pre Covid), we would often hang out average 12+ times a month, maybe more. I always had to go there, pick her up, drive wherever we were headed, drive her home and then drive myself home. It’s been 4 yrs of this and I’ve been starting to get a huge resentment towards her bc of this. And she doesn’t want to take uber bc it’s too expensive.. (it’s about $24 1 way for her to take Uber to my house).

You clearly like your friend and enjoy her company. Uber cost of $48 x 12 = $576 per month, which is a significant cost. There are many reasons why a certain person may not want to drive and since you like your friend, you will have to respect her reasons even though they don't make sense to you.

If you can do this without resentment, you may want to reduce the number of visits and ask her to contribute to the cost of gas.

 

[Albion]

I like Andrew's view of the matter. The cost is a valid concern, and she most likely does want to be with you at times, so you don't want to jeopardize that relationship. Maybe there's a way to compromise and make the driving more bearable.

BUT I don't know how you can get out of the bind you are in unless you have a talk with her and lay all the cards on the table in a polite way. Then you will probably see in her reaction what course of action you should take.

 

[Lawrence87]

If you resent driving her you don't have to do it. If she doesn't want to learn to drive she doesn't have to.

I think in all relationships it is important to grant the other person freedom. If you start trying to manipulate things such as trying to persuade them to learn to drive for your convinience sake, or resenting them because they are not spending their own money in the way you want them to etc. Then you are making the relationship restrictive, and it will suffer. If she does not want to learn to drive, or spend her money travelling to see you that's fine, you don't have to love her any less for that. The same if you don't want to drive to her and spend your money in that way.

By all means you can tell them where you are at with it all, and this might cause her of her own volition to act differently, but it might not. And you might have to grant them the freedom to drift away from you (if you aren't willing to compromise on your end). Some friendships don't exist in a context where they can be frequently maintained by in person contact and they still thrive despite this, other times people drift apart.

I think you should tell her what your thoughts are on the matter, without being overly confrontational, and do so with an attitude that you are going to grant her the freedom to do whatever she pleases with the information. You may or may not like what happens, but sadly people aren't here to do things to that standard and to love others is to grant them freedom, just as God does for us.

 

[Jofes]

One must budget for travel expense, and yes our time machines are expensive to own, operate and maintain. Ask her to buy a bicycle a inexpensive form of transportation. Not only will she be getting exercise, she will understand how precious your time is.
Jofes

 

[Bobber]

Well here's my opinion.

First her problem is she doesn't like change or having to go through a learning curve to learn to drive, pesky things like all the things she thinks that goes with it....car maintenance, insurance it means change and having to apply oneself to a new thing. This means one has to take the initiative to do something they don't feel comfortable with. Some people dread that as in leave me alone about this issue all is fine and honky dory!

This though is something you're not in agreement with. She needs to know while it brings into her life a certain degree of complexity UM what about you? What about you? I think she needs to know how you feel that look we all in life have to do some things we don't necessarily feel like doing. We all wish life just wasn't that way but in reality it is.

I see nothing wrong with you sharing with her just how you have with us. You could start with look you know we're really good friends and I wouldn't want it any other way but I want to share with you how I've been feeling and why and I hope we can come to terms with this. You could add in that look because I feel this way doesn't mean we should never see each other but instead of many times a month we'll cut that back to what I can feel a comfort with.

I'd tell her I'll let her decide what will happen here..... if we stay meeting a lot of not so regularly. You could even say that you'll help her understand the things like insurance when she gets a vehicle and help her get a good deal. Even to go on car lots to help her make a decision and talk to the car dealers with her so she doesn't feel lost in all the words that are said. I think people get timid of that as well. As I say I think a lot of it is just not wanting a learning curve which comes with doing something different and just wanting to stay with the comfort she's in. It's not fair to you though that's she's never made to be put in a position of having to do what needs to be done. I'd then leave it with her.

 

[Elliewaves]

1. Step back for a while or not see her as often.
2.Ask her to come see you at your place but provide her own transport to and from. Plan longer visits so she is staying and doing things with you all day instead of just 20 min.
3. Ask her to pay you gas money.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I have a friend who lives 25 min away and she doesn’t drive. (Pre Covid), we would often hang out average 12+ times a month, maybe more. I always had to go there, pick her up, drive wherever we were headed, drive her home and then drive myself home. It’s been 4 yrs of this and I’ve been starting to get a huge resentment towards her bc of this. And she doesn’t want to take uber bc it’s too expensive.. (it’s about $24 1 way for her to take Uber to my house).

She’s told me for 3 yrs that she was going to get her license but she never does. I’ve found a few very good driving schools for her too.

On Thursday, she asked if we could go hiking Sunday bc she was free. So, Saturday evening, I spent about 45 min trying to find an easier hike for her that was somewhat near her so I wouldn’t have to do extra driving. I txt her about it & she agreed. Sunday came, she called me in the morning stating she can only be out hiking about an hour bc of a paper that was due at midnight on Sunday.... so we canceled bc there’s no point in driving all that distance to maybe ‘hike’ 20 min.

I even worked out how much it’d cost her to have a car vs how much she’s spending on Uber yearly. Avg price she’s spending on Uber yearly is $7500. If she had a car, possible avg price she’d be spending on it, is $3500.

idk what to do. I like her as a friend. I enjoy hanging out with her but I’m overly annoyed bc she doesn’t want any give/take, or she’ll say, I’ll come to you but I’ll need you to take me home... it costs me money too and she makes more money then I do. (Right now I’m not working).

The 1 time I wanted to go hiking near me, I told her to meet at my house by 12... she couldn’t get an Uber til 2pm that day. She made an excuse but if she can always make it to work on time, then why can’t she make it to my house on time?

Sorry for ranting. I’m annoyed and I don’t know how to properly handle this situation or what to say to her. I’ve prayed about it but.. ‍

What should I do?

Some people just do not want to drive or are scared. She is probably not relating this to you. Maybe confront her fears together. If she just does not want to drive, then I guess you are left with the decision on how important your friendship is. Resentment is certainly not healthy. Be blessed.

 

[Kenny'sID]

Warning, much harshnees to follow:

She's taking advantage of you, and you are letting her. Four years is much too long to string someone along and force you to pay the price for her saving money. Its beyond no fair.

Now for how to tell her? I would suggest something not so
harsh as this.

 

[Pop D.]

Would a scooter be an option for her? Those are several times cheaper than even a used car.

 

[Petros2015]

She’s told me for 3 yrs that she was going to get her license but she never does. I’ve found a few very good driving schools for her too.

The next time you give her a ride somewhere, drop her off at the driving school.

 

[Jofes]

This is real good, We should start a new column forum. name it, Dear Abigail.

 

[bèlla]

A conscientious friend would be mindful of their circumstances and the burden retrieving and taking them home places on another. Your willingness to accommodate her selfishness has permitted it to continue.

It will be difficult to maintain a bond with someone who knowingly exploits your kindness. No matter the fun. At some point the inequity will rear its head and force change or dissolution.

Given the tenure of the problem I think change is unlikely. She’s grown accustomed to accommodation and may be reluctant to yield. I would acknowledge my concerns and reduce your togetherness. See her once per month, no more, and use your free time to develop healthier connections.

You don’t need to sever the tie but you must control its impact. Look for like-minded people in local groups and activities that share your interests.

We determine how others will treat us. You must set the tone and establish boundaries or they’ll take liberties you’ll resent later on.

For what it’s worth, twelve outings per month with one person is a lot. It wouldn’t allow much time to build friendships or connect with suitors. She’s your focus.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I have a friend who lives 25 min away and she doesn’t drive. (Pre Covid), we would often hang out average 12+ times a month, maybe more. I always had to go there, pick her up, drive wherever we were headed, drive her home and then drive myself home. It’s been 4 yrs of this and I’ve been starting to get a huge resentment towards her bc of this. And she doesn’t want to take uber bc it’s too expensive.. (it’s about $24 1 way for her to take Uber to my house).

She’s told me for 3 yrs that she was going to get her license but she never does. I’ve found a few very good driving schools for her too.

On Thursday, she asked if we could go hiking Sunday bc she was free. So, Saturday evening, I spent about 45 min trying to find an easier hike for her that was somewhat near her so I wouldn’t have to do extra driving. I txt her about it & she agreed. Sunday came, she called me in the morning stating she can only be out hiking about an hour bc of a paper that was due at midnight on Sunday.... so we canceled bc there’s no point in driving all that distance to maybe ‘hike’ 20 min.

I even worked out how much it’d cost her to have a car vs how much she’s spending on Uber yearly. Avg price she’s spending on Uber yearly is $7500. If she had a car, possible avg price she’d be spending on it, is $3500.

idk what to do. I like her as a friend. I enjoy hanging out with her but I’m overly annoyed bc she doesn’t want any give/take, or she’ll say, I’ll come to you but I’ll need you to take me home... it costs me money too and she makes more money then I do. (Right now I’m not working).

The 1 time I wanted to go hiking near me, I told her to meet at my house by 12... she couldn’t get an Uber til 2pm that day. She made an excuse but if she can always make it to work on time, then why can’t she make it to my house on time?

Sorry for ranting. I’m annoyed and I don’t know how to properly handle this situation or what to say to her. I’ve prayed about it but.. ‍

What should I do?

Let her know how you feel lovingly and respectfully. And try to be calm and patient while bringing it up. You are not working and she is... but even if you were working, finances would still be a big issue. Try to see if you can get her to understand where you are coming from. A former friend of mine once had many grievances with me, but tactlessly let me know about all the things she disliked about me in a very long email that was sent at a point in my life where I was quite low. As a self-preservation method, I believe I apologized in a response email and quit the friendship. Years later, I don't know how she is as we no longer speak since then. I share that to let you know to apply wisdom and love as you tell your friend about this and any other issue. Try to establish a mutual ground and come to a mutual resolution. That will make both sides happy

 

[Sketcher]

I have a friend who lives 25 min away and she doesn’t drive. (Pre Covid), we would often hang out average 12+ times a month, maybe more. I always had to go there, pick her up, drive wherever we were headed, drive her home and then drive myself home. It’s been 4 yrs of this and I’ve been starting to get a huge resentment towards her bc of this. And she doesn’t want to take uber bc it’s too expensive.. (it’s about $24 1 way for her to take Uber to my house).

She’s told me for 3 yrs that she was going to get her license but she never does. I’ve found a few very good driving schools for her too.

On Thursday, she asked if we could go hiking Sunday bc she was free. So, Saturday evening, I spent about 45 min trying to find an easier hike for her that was somewhat near her so I wouldn’t have to do extra driving. I txt her about it & she agreed. Sunday came, she called me in the morning stating she can only be out hiking about an hour bc of a paper that was due at midnight on Sunday.... so we canceled bc there’s no point in driving all that distance to maybe ‘hike’ 20 min.

I even worked out how much it’d cost her to have a car vs how much she’s spending on Uber yearly. Avg price she’s spending on Uber yearly is $7500. If she had a car, possible avg price she’d be spending on it, is $3500.

idk what to do. I like her as a friend. I enjoy hanging out with her but I’m overly annoyed bc she doesn’t want any give/take, or she’ll say, I’ll come to you but I’ll need you to take me home... it costs me money too and she makes more money then I do. (Right now I’m not working).

The 1 time I wanted to go hiking near me, I told her to meet at my house by 12... she couldn’t get an Uber til 2pm that day. She made an excuse but if she can always make it to work on time, then why can’t she make it to my house on time?

Sorry for ranting. I’m annoyed and I don’t know how to properly handle this situation or what to say to her. I’ve prayed about it but.. ‍

What should I do?

As someone who had to take the bus for years, and as someone who has had to pick people up who lived out in the country as well, I understand where you both are coming from.

• With not being able to get an Uber until 2PM, these things happen. When I was on a bus schedule, sometimes I could only get to work or class or my church group very early, or very late.
• Cars cost more than $3500/year unless it's a free car, and unless you have a rich relative, you're getting what you pay for with that. If you're not paying as much for the car itself, you'll be paying for the repairs of that car. Edmunds.com is my go-to for maintenance estimates, I also look at jdpower.com's reliability ratings.
• I agree, picking someone up half an hour or more away is annoying. If she's working, I believe it is entirely reasonable for you to ask her for gas money for these trips. If she won't pay it, then the trips don't need to happen as often. You can tell her something like, "I'd like to hang out with you, but if I'm going to be driving out there, I need you to pay for my gas. I don't have income right now."
• Bonus: If she "forgets" the gas money, you have the car, and you have the power. Drive her to the bank and/or ATM.

 

[SusaninBC]

Resentment is a sign that your boundaries are being ignored, and sometimes it means that your boundaries haven't been made clear. It's also a sign that you feel like you have no control over the situation.

My suggestion would be to decide how many times a month you're willing to drive to her place and then let her know so she can be a part of the planning process. If you're willing to drive out there once a week, then state that clearly and stick with it. You can decide together what you'd like to do on that one day, etc.

If she'd like to see you more often, she can be responsible to make the arrangements to get herself to your place.

If she asks why you've put a limit on your visits, you can blame it on rising gas costs, or your own time limitations, both of which would be the truth.

You will feel like you have more control over the situation because you will have set a boundary, and sticking with it will reinforce your feeling of control, which is a good thing. It will also let your friend know that you still value her company and you still want her to be a part of her life, but that your expectation is for her to share the responsibility for travel cost and time.