How to win friends ...

[Jenster]

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published a now-famous book, "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies." I want to know if you think his advice is still on the mark (if so, how) or if it's outdated (and how?).

Here's a summary of the first part of the book from a Web site:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Here's what I think: People these days are more looking for friends with personality than people who, for example, are willing to listen to you talk about flyfishing. Also, people feel closer to friends who are willing to razz them, not people who are just agreeable all the time.

Your thoughts?

 

[Deliberatetourist]

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published a now-famous book, "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies." I want to know if you think his advice is still on the mark (if so, how) or if it's outdated (and how?).

Here's a summary of the first part of the book from a Web site:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Here's what I think: People these days are more looking for friends with personality than people who, for example, are willing to listen to you talk about flyfishing. Also, people feel closer to friends who are willing to razz them, not people who are just agreeable all the time.

Your thoughts?

I generally agree. But the list will change with regards to different personaility types. You have to find a person's "dominant buying motive" (DBM)which is the motivating factor behind why they do the majority of things they do. Many people don't feel comfortable talking about themselves in certain circumstances. It requires getting them to lower their gaurds. Of course any efforts to this end could be labeled manipulative.

 

[fishstix]

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published a now-famous book, "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies." I want to know if you think his advice is still on the mark (if so, how) or if it's outdated (and how?).

Here's a summary of the first part of the book from a Web site:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Here's what I think: People these days are more looking for friends with personality than people who, for example, are willing to listen to you talk about flyfishing. Also, people feel closer to friends who are willing to razz them, not people who are just agreeable all the time.

Your thoughts?

I could see the name one getting irritating. It would annoy me if someone used my name a whole lot. The others sound reasonable.

 

[intricatic]

I'd imagine this advice is still on the mark.

However, whenever I hear the quote "How to win friends..." I think of going to a carnival and playing a ring toss game to win a friend from off a shelf or something... It's been my experience that more people want to spend time with you if you're more interested in hearing them, than talking yourself. Now, whether it's good for making general friends, or good friends is definitely debatable.

 

[tck1987]

I believe most the advice is good, although it sounds like making friends is a project where you have to follow a certain steps. But the exciting thing about friends are that they are people and you can't really predict behavior.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published a now-famous book, "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies." I want to know if you think his advice is still on the mark (if so, how) or if it's outdated (and how?).

Here's a summary of the first part of the book from a Web site:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Here's what I think: People these days are more looking for friends with personality than people who, for example, are willing to listen to you talk about flyfishing. Also, people feel closer to friends who are willing to razz them, not people who are just agreeable all the time.

Your thoughts?

People do like to talk about themselves. I doubt time has changed that.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I could see the name one getting irritating. It would annoy me if someone used my name a whole lot. The others sound reasonable.

Yeah, I can see that being annoying, too.

 

[Jenster]

However, whenever I hear the quote "How to win friends..." I think of going to a carnival and playing a ring toss game to win a friend from off a shelf or something...

LOL! I can hear it now ... "Step rrrright up! Your chance to win a friend for only a quarter! Step rrright up!"

Now, whether it's good for making general friends, or good friends is definitely debatable.

Excellent point. Seems like there's definitely a "chemistry" factor that goes into developing a GOOD friend.

Good thoughts everyone!

 

[intricatic]

LOL! I can hear it now ... "Step rrrright up! Your chance to win a friend for only a quarter! Step rrright up!"

Ha.. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Excellent point. Seems like there's definitely a "chemistry" factor that goes into developing a GOOD friend.

Good thoughts everyone!

Yeah... could you imagine if everyone in the world followed the advice in that book?

Everyone would be incredibly frustrated with everyone else, and whenever one person would go to another person for advice, the edvice they would get would be watered down and "wishy washy". I know that'd drive me nuts.

 

[OhhJim]

I read the book in the late seventies. I think it's an awesome book, and should be required reading.

Incidentally, over the years, I have recommended the book to several people who have posted on internet forums that they don't have many friends, and would like to have a better social life. Invariably, these people have found fault with the book, some going so far as to claim it is "manipulative"! Considering that these were people who didn't have many friends, I thought that attitude spoke volumes; a bit like the Buffalo Bills criticising a book on how to win the Super Bowl!

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published a now-famous book, "How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies." I want to know if you think his advice is still on the mark (if so, how) or if it's outdated (and how?).

Here's a summary of the first part of the book from a Web site:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Here's what I think: People these days are more looking for friends with personality than people who, for example, are willing to listen to you talk about flyfishing. Also, people feel closer to friends who are willing to razz them, not people who are just agreeable all the time.

Your thoughts?

I don't "make" friends. I am certainly not going to try to "win" friends.

Like I always say, spontaneity is the way!

So is that what people really do? People really set out to deliberately "make" friends? If that is what people do, then maybe the ideas offered in the book work.

If I was to move to a city, state or even country that was completely new to me I would not set out to "make" friends. I would do what I have always done: Let social interactions take their course, and intervene in that course at opportune times.

The pop-psychology industry, it seems to me, tells us to manufacture opportunities. Spontaneity--at least the view that I have developed and that I call spontaneity--, on the other hand, is about intervening when windows of opportunity present themselves. Manufacturing opportunities by using the right language, being in the right place at the right time, consciously dialoguing rather than monologuing, etc., etc. is one thing. Allowing things to take their course and then intervening at opportune times in that course is quite another.

Of course, if one wants a large quantity of friends for the sake of having a large quantity of friends, then maybe one should deliberately "make" friends. But I think that what most people want are rewarding relationships. And although I am not a Psychology PhD, I think that it is safe to say that the net number of "friends" isn't significant with respect to health and happiness. Or am I supposed to believe that if I have 10 friends that my life will change significantly by suddenly having only 9 friends or suddenly having 11 friends?

However, if we are not talking about developing rewarding relationships--if we are simply talking about networking and making a lot of social contacts--then the advice given in the book is probably as good as any.

 

[intricatic]

Actually bro, the book is talking about how to develop rewarding relationships through showing mutual interest in other people, rather than focusing on your own ego in conversations.

 

[Mark2010]

I don't "make" friends. I am certainly not going to try to "win" friends.

Like I always say, spontaneity is the way!

So is that what people really do? People really set out to deliberately "make" friends? If that is what people do, then maybe the ideas offered in the book work.

If I was to move to a city, state or even country that was completely new to me I would not set out to "make" friends. I would do what I have always done: Let social interactions take their course, and intervene in that course at opportune times.

The pop-psychology industry, it seems to me, tells us to manufacture opportunities. Spontaneity--at least the view that I have developed and that I call spontaneity--, on the other hand, is about intervening when windows of opportunity present themselves. Manufacturing opportunities by using the right language, being in the right place at the right time, consciously dialoguing rather than monologuing, etc., etc. is one thing. Allowing things to take their course and then intervening at opportune times in that course is quite another.

Of course, if one wants a large quantity of friends for the sake of having a large quantity of friends, then maybe one should deliberately "make" friends. But I think that what most people want are rewarding relationships. And although I am not a Psychology PhD, I think that it is safe to say that the net number of "friends" isn't significant with respect to health and happiness. Or am I supposed to believe that if I have 10 friends that my life will change significantly by suddenly having only 9 friends or suddenly having 11 friends?

However, if we are not talking about developing rewarding relationships--if we are simply talking about networking and making a lot of social contacts--then the advice given in the book is probably as good as any.

For whatever reason, just letting social interactions take their course never has worked well for me. I tend to be much shier in person than online and have a hard time breaking the ice, so to speak.

I think the advice in the book is pretty good and I try to do those things, even though I have never read that particular book. It seems like in today's society, where people are always busy, move around a lot, where there are so many diversions to occupy our time, etc., it is harder than ever to make friends.

 

[renaistre]

I read the book in the late seventies. I think it's an awesome book, and should be required reading.

Incidentally, over the years, I have recommended the book to several people who have posted on internet forums that they don't have many friends, and would like to have a better social life. Invariably, these people have found fault with the book, some going so far as to claim it is "manipulative"! Considering that these were people who didn't have many friends, I thought that attitude spoke volumes; a bit like the Buffalo Bills criticising a book on how to win the Super Bowl!

Hey, didn't the Buffalo Bills win a Super Bowl... like 15 years ago?

 

[mina]

My sunday school class is going to be reading and discussing this book this summer. We are collectively trying to be better witnesses and showing genuine intrest in others.

 

[blairellis]

I love this book. In the book thread I reccommended it.

Awesome book that EVERYONE needs to read reguardless of where they are at in their relational development.

 

[JPPT1974]

Never have read the book before
But does sound interesting indeed!

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Actually bro, the book is talking about how to develop rewarding relationships through showing mutual interest in other people, rather than focusing on your own ego in conversations.

At least one post before my post talked about not having many friends and not having much of a social life; hence my response about developing the relationships that one finds oneself in rather than trying to manufacture relationships.

Either a person is my friend or he/she is not my friend. Nothing I can do can change that. Therefore, it does not make sense to me for anybody--the author of a popular book or otherwise--to be giving "advise" about expanding the friendships in one's life. It seems clear to me that the most that any of us can do with respect to friendships is develop the friendships that we have. If the book is talking about friends getting from being strangers to knowing each other as intimately as possible, that makes sense. Or if the book is talking about developing all relationships, friendships or otherwise, that makes sense. But if the book is talking about getting a person from being one's non-friend to being one's friend, well, that is asking people to spin their wheels.

People need to be clear about what they have in mind when they are evaluating and recommending the book.

 

[Jenster]

Incidentally, over the years, I have recommended the book to several people who have posted on internet forums that they don't have many friends, and would like to have a better social life. Invariably, these people have found fault with the book, some going so far as to claim it is "manipulative"!

Yeah, see, now that is the interesting thing. What is "manipulative" to one person may be "proactive" to another. I think what leads people to say it's "manipulative" is that they question the motivations of a person when he or she intentionally "implements" this kind of advice -- rather than let his or her actions spring "naturally" from sincere feeling. That's my guess anyway.

Personally, what I have mixed feelings about is not the advice so much as people who do it insincerely.

At my workplace, there's a guy who constantly tries to make himself look like Mr. Helpful -- even though he's a total slacker when it comes to doing his job. He's always looking for opportunities to compliment someone and brown-nose them -- and the annoying thing is that people fall for it all the time! It's so cheesy! Ask him to do his work, though, and he's got a million excuses or even outright lies.

So again, I don't fault the advice so much as I think it's easy to use the advice for personal gain. I mean, the basic advice is care about others and show them you care. When a person is sincere in this, I don't see how it could be construed as manipulative at all.

 

[TriptychR]

Hey, didn't the Buffalo Bills win a Super Bowl... like 15 years ago?

No.