I want to LOVE my girlfriend. She deeply loves me, but somewhere along the line, I've grown complacent. I'm really seeing this for the first time truly tonight, and especially since I know we're on the way toward marriage, I want to get this right. I was just reading on a non-Christian forum about a man who was simply afraid of being lonely for the rest of his life, and that was his only motivating factor toward getting married. I'm realizing that I'm in nearly the same boat, but I DON'T want to hurt her. I WANT to love her, she is totally worthy of my love, I just really don't feel like I know how. Any advice? I feel like a man who just doesn't know how to love, and not only toward my girl, but toward Jesus. I'm so motivated by guilt and fear, but there is honestly no love in my heart toward anyone but myself. How can I get out of this?
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How to love?
- Thread starter Mikey7
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Luther073082
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- Apr 1, 2007
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Well first of all you should be properly focused based on what the scirptures have to say.
Love is patient: Be patient with her. Understand her needs.
Love is kind: Obvious. . . treat her well and kindly.
It does not envy: Don't become jealous of anything she has, but always be proud of her.
It does not boast, it is not proud: Don't feel the need to defend your pride around her. Remember you are lucky to have her, always be open and honest with her. Don't overly concern yourself with your own accomplishments. Don't try too hard to impress her.
It is not rude: You try to be polite with her no matter what the situation. Even if you are fighting.
It is not self seeking: This is the big difference between immature love and mature love. You should concern yourself mainly with what benefits the two of you as a couple or what benefits her.
Its not easily angered: In other words. Let the little things go. Some things about her eventually may start to slightly annoy you. But think about if its really something worth getting upset about.
Keeps no record of wrongs: Anything previously that she has done wrong to you or otherwise NEVER get held over her head. There is no "keeping score" here.
Doesn't delite in evil but rejoices in truth: Rejoices in Christ and dislikes evil and harmful things. Never attempts to deceive.
Always protects: Always looks out for eachother. Not just from physical harm but spiritual harm, mental harm, etc etc.
Always trusts: You trust in her and her abilities.
Always hopes: To belive all things will turn out for the better in the end.
Always perserveres: To belive that if you remain faithful to one another that you as a couple can get through anything you need to through the help of God.
Now for a few personal pointers. Always be honest and upfront with her about everything.
Be her best friend, Do nice things for her, but do those things which come from the heart and not trying to hard to impress her by anything, including your pocketbook. Do those things on important dates as well as sometimes randomly, just cause you love her. Creativity helps here.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be completly honest about your feelings with her. Make time for her, and put her on top of your list of priorities. I don't care what time of day it is, I don't care whats on TV, I don't care how many hours of sleep you havn't had. If she REALLY needs to talk about something at that moment, then thats what you do.
Be patient with her, especially during her periods. As you become closer you may become more and more exposed to her feelings during this time. They may be annoying and they probably won't make much sense. And they may involve random grumpyness or even anger towards you. Listen and politly speak, and have extra patience during this time.
Find out what she likes and doesn't like. Try to be a servant to her. Compliment her on anything as long as its honest. If she looks beautiful then say so. If she's like my fiancee and always looks beautiful, then say that.
1 Cor 13 said:
Love is patient: Be patient with her. Understand her needs.
Love is kind: Obvious. . . treat her well and kindly.
It does not envy: Don't become jealous of anything she has, but always be proud of her.
It does not boast, it is not proud: Don't feel the need to defend your pride around her. Remember you are lucky to have her, always be open and honest with her. Don't overly concern yourself with your own accomplishments. Don't try too hard to impress her.
It is not rude: You try to be polite with her no matter what the situation. Even if you are fighting.
It is not self seeking: This is the big difference between immature love and mature love. You should concern yourself mainly with what benefits the two of you as a couple or what benefits her.
Its not easily angered: In other words. Let the little things go. Some things about her eventually may start to slightly annoy you. But think about if its really something worth getting upset about.
Keeps no record of wrongs: Anything previously that she has done wrong to you or otherwise NEVER get held over her head. There is no "keeping score" here.
Doesn't delite in evil but rejoices in truth: Rejoices in Christ and dislikes evil and harmful things. Never attempts to deceive.
Always protects: Always looks out for eachother. Not just from physical harm but spiritual harm, mental harm, etc etc.
Always trusts: You trust in her and her abilities.
Always hopes: To belive all things will turn out for the better in the end.
Always perserveres: To belive that if you remain faithful to one another that you as a couple can get through anything you need to through the help of God.
Now for a few personal pointers. Always be honest and upfront with her about everything.
Be her best friend, Do nice things for her, but do those things which come from the heart and not trying to hard to impress her by anything, including your pocketbook. Do those things on important dates as well as sometimes randomly, just cause you love her. Creativity helps here.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Be completly honest about your feelings with her. Make time for her, and put her on top of your list of priorities. I don't care what time of day it is, I don't care whats on TV, I don't care how many hours of sleep you havn't had. If she REALLY needs to talk about something at that moment, then thats what you do.
Be patient with her, especially during her periods. As you become closer you may become more and more exposed to her feelings during this time. They may be annoying and they probably won't make much sense. And they may involve random grumpyness or even anger towards you. Listen and politly speak, and have extra patience during this time.
Find out what she likes and doesn't like. Try to be a servant to her. Compliment her on anything as long as its honest. If she looks beautiful then say so. If she's like my fiancee and always looks beautiful, then say that.
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First thing you need to do is be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you really do love her. If your worried about being alone and that is why your with her then that is not love. Figure this out and the next decision should be easy.
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Hello Mikey7!!!
I will catch a ride in this one because I am also kind going in the same way. I am with her for a long time...Sometimes I see myself marreid to her...sometimes I don't. I have never been the king of guy who dates every girl...but every time I look at a beautiful girl , that makes me think, do I really want to get married? Do I really want to get married at all? I feel like I missing great opportunities (girls, OK??). BUt how can I feel that, since I've never been like this? How can we figure out this?
I will catch a ride in this one because I am also kind going in the same way. I am with her for a long time...Sometimes I see myself marreid to her...sometimes I don't. I have never been the king of guy who dates every girl...but every time I look at a beautiful girl , that makes me think, do I really want to get married? Do I really want to get married at all? I feel like I missing great opportunities (girls, OK??). BUt how can I feel that, since I've never been like this? How can we figure out this?
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Mikey7, i can see that you've posted your question quite a while ago... But, i will still attempt to address the issue at hand.
I'll start with the end of your post: "I'm so motivated by guilt and fear"
Based on this alone, it means that even though you seem to be a Christian, that the love of God has not filled your heart yet and that it needs to grow still... 1 John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." This growing happens through cultivating a relationship with God.
The other point on: "but there is honestly no love in my heart toward anyone but myself" Firstly, this is someone speaking from the flesh. See, when you have a relationship with God, you end up getting to the point where your personal needs matter less (because you trust God to take care of it) and you start caring more about others' needs.
Read 1 John 5 to get a better understanding on love.
And then, regarding the girl... To get married, is to love someone so much, that you are willing to lie your life down for that person. You don't feel that way, so don't get married to her, just for the sake of getting married. (Otherwise you will end up getting divorced for the sake of remaing sane.) Marriage is instituted by God, as an extention of His love for you expressed to 1 person in the most intimate way...
Life is a journey... try to make it one worthwhile... discovering God's love might be one of the most rewarding goals.
I'll start with the end of your post: "I'm so motivated by guilt and fear"
Based on this alone, it means that even though you seem to be a Christian, that the love of God has not filled your heart yet and that it needs to grow still... 1 John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." This growing happens through cultivating a relationship with God.
The other point on: "but there is honestly no love in my heart toward anyone but myself" Firstly, this is someone speaking from the flesh. See, when you have a relationship with God, you end up getting to the point where your personal needs matter less (because you trust God to take care of it) and you start caring more about others' needs.
Read 1 John 5 to get a better understanding on love.
And then, regarding the girl... To get married, is to love someone so much, that you are willing to lie your life down for that person. You don't feel that way, so don't get married to her, just for the sake of getting married. (Otherwise you will end up getting divorced for the sake of remaing sane.) Marriage is instituted by God, as an extention of His love for you expressed to 1 person in the most intimate way...
Life is a journey... try to make it one worthwhile... discovering God's love might be one of the most rewarding goals.
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