How to keep "secrets" without offending spouse

[MountainBluebird]

Sometimes when my husband and I are alone, he uses that time to ask me questions about our children. Frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm being questioned by a police officer. My children share things with me more often than with him, for many legitimate reasons. And sometimes I feel these things should be kept between me and my child. None of these secrets are earth shattering. If I told my husband every secret my children told me, I would feel like I was betraying their trust. Does anyone else feel that way? I mean if our children wanted to talk privately with my husband, I'd be fine with that. I don't need to know everything.

My husband feels like I have to tell him everything my children tell me, and when I don't, he feels like I am placing our children above him. I really don't see it that way. For instance, tonight he was asking me about my daughter's new boyfriend. He asked specifically if he had tried to kiss her. Now, I knew the answer to this question, but being that my daughter is 24 and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want me discussing, it made me uncomfortable. My husband got upset with my response, and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well its one things to keep your own secrets from him. Its another when someone tells your their secrets in confidence. And its really none of his business what your own child tells you, like you said shes an adult and came to you privately for a reason.

I'd just tell him shes an adult and came to you in confidence as her mother. If he can't accept that then he just for lack of better terms, needs to get over it. Say you keep no secrets from each other as a couple. But when someone else is involved then its no longer about you and him. And if he insisted you tell him, that would just strain your relationship with your daughter and she may not trust you with secrets. Or she may resent him for invading her private time with you.

I know he may be resentful of it. But your not keep any personal secrets from him. Your his wife, not his spy. lol. I know sometime I tell my mother something and when she has a bit of wine she tells my dad and it makes me upset with her. So now I don't tell her anything in private because I don't trust her. Don't let your daughter feel that way.

 

[Luther073082]

Is there a reason that your daughter might not want him knowing? Is he perhaps irrationally protective over her or something?

I mean say this dude did try to kiss her and you told him so. How would he react. . . would he just say "ok" and just go on with what he was doing or would he do something irrational like run to the gun closet to go chase down and threaten the guy or something.

I suppose I would want to know why your daughter wants secrets kept from her father, that she doesn't mind telling you.

My first child is due in July so I've not been doing the whole parenting thing for as long as you, (and at this point my parents has been limited to caring for a pregnant wife and talking to her belly.) but I would think as a father at that point in my child's life (when they are an adult) I would be more concerned that there are secrets that my child is comfortable telling my wife but won't tell me.

Now if the child was younger, I would be a little bit more concerned about the secret keeping because they are his children too. But at 24, it's more a question of why she doesn't want him to know but is ok with telling you.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

So my question is, how can I keep these sorts of things private from my husband without him feeling like I am putting our children ahead of him?

You can't. Because you are putting your children ahead of him when you do that.

I would ask the same as Luther... Why is it that your husband shouldn't know these things?

Personally, I think husbands and wives should be a team. Unless there's a good reason, children should know that if they tell one parent something it's as if they told both parents.

It sounds to me like your husband just wants to know what is going on in his children's lives. And that's a good thing.

Unless he's really controlling or something, in which case it might be legitimate to keep it from him.

 

[Puffinstuff]

I don't know.If she is an adult and its about personal details of her sex life it could even be she would be embarrassed for her dad to know but feels comfortable talking to her mother.But that goes right back to why.Why she would not tell him but would you.In truth she doesn't have to confide in either of you .My concern would be if she feels like whatever she tells you will tell him she may stop confiding in you and my opinion on that I would rather her feel safe going to one of you than nothing.

 

[Wren]

(oops, nevermind, is "advice only")

 

[Hetta]

Sometimes when my husband and I are alone, he uses that time to ask me questions about our children. Frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm being questioned by a police officer. Anyways, my children share things with me more often than with him, for many legitimate reasons. And sometimes I feel these things should be kept between me and my child. None of these secrets are earth shattering. If I told my husband every secret my children told me, I would feel like I was betraying their trust. Does anyone else feel that way? I mean if our children wanted to talk privately with my husband, I'd be fine with that. I don't need to know everything.

My husband feels like I have to tell him everything my children tell me, and when I don't, he feels like I am placing our children above him. I really don't see it that way. For instance, tonight he was asking me about my daughter's new boyfriend. He asked specifically if he had tried to kiss her. Now, I knew the answer to this question, but being that my daughter is 24 and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want me discussing, it made me uncomfortable. My husband got upset with my response, and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. So my question is, how can I keep these sorts of things private from my husband without him feeling like I am putting our children ahead of him?

Oh good grief. Your husband needs to realize that children also have boundaries. To expect a 24 year old to give a breakdown of her relationship with her bf is ridiculous - unless she wants to volunteer the info.

Perhaps he is jealous that you have such a close bond with your kids, and perhaps the word "secret" is the problem. I can't see why there would be "secrets" that the mom knows and not the dad. Now if the kids are just confiding things that aren't very important, perhaps quit calling them "secrets" and that might help.

Has your husband always questioned you about things, or is this new?

 

[Hetta]

You can't. Because you are putting your children ahead of him when you do that.

I would ask the same as Luther... Why is it that your husband shouldn't know these things?

Personally, I think husbands and wives should be a team. Unless there's a good reason, children should know that if they tell one parent something it's as if they told both parents.

It sounds to me like your husband just wants to know what is going on in his children's lives. And that's a good thing.

Unless he's really controlling or something, in which case it might be legitimate to keep it from him.

Right.

If one of the kids tells my husband something, he usually tells me - and vice versa. The kids knows that we will discuss these things.

Keeping info and calling it a secret that only mom is allowed to know sounds a little controlling to me. I would be irritated by that if my husband said it to me -- unless it was gender specific, you know? If one of the guys had something that he wanted to keep between him and dad - something personal or male-only. I don't mind that.

 

[MountainBluebird]

Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate hearing other peoples thoughts on this matter. My daughter never specifically said that I shouldn't tell her dad. I just assumed that she wouldn't want me to share that with him. I mean, I wouldn't have wanted my dad to know something like that when I was her age.

I don't think my husband would have been upset if he had tried to kiss my daughter, but he is facebook friends with her boyfriend and may have said something to embarrass him or her. In general, my children don't like to share things with their dad because he often overreacts to things.

Yes, my husband does want to know what is going on in his children's lives, but at this point, I really wish he would talk to them instead of using me. They all live at home, and are easily accessible to him if he'd only take the time to talk to them.

 

[ValleyGal]

Sometimes when my husband and I are alone, he uses that time to ask me questions about our children. Frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm being questioned by a police officer. Anyways, my children share things with me more often than with him, for many legitimate reasons. And sometimes I feel these things should be kept between me and my child. None of these secrets are earth shattering. If I told my husband every secret my children told me, I would feel like I was betraying their trust. Does anyone else feel that way? I mean if our children wanted to talk privately with my husband, I'd be fine with that. I don't need to know everything.

My husband feels like I have to tell him everything my children tell me, and when I don't, he feels like I am placing our children above him. I really don't see it that way. For instance, tonight he was asking me about my daughter's new boyfriend. He asked specifically if he had tried to kiss her. Now, I knew the answer to this question, but being that my daughter is 24 and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want me discussing, it made me uncomfortable. My husband got upset with my response, and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. So my question is, how can I keep these sorts of things private from my husband without him feeling like I am putting our children ahead of him?

I'm thinking back to when I was that age. By 24, I had been around the block several times and none of it was any of my parent's business. If I wanted to tell my mom that one was a great kisser, then later my dad teased me about it, I'd never tell my mom anything ever again. I could see this kind of thing if I was 14, not 24.

My son is nearly 20. If he were to find a girlfriend, I would not be concerned about whether he's kissed her. I'd be concerned that he treats her respectfully and cares about her - and their choice of physical expression is not my business. If he were to come to me with a personal question, I'd answer, but I would absolutely respect his confidentiality as an adult, as long as the topic did not affect my husband or the environment of our home.

Honestly, I don't even know why your husband would even ask. What is it to him if his adult child kissed a man? Seems a very unusual thing to ask, imo. By maintaining confidentiality, it is not placing the "child" above him. The child is an adult and responsible for herself. If your daughter shared something with you that has a direct affect on your husband and you did not talk with him about it, then yes, that would be putting her above him. But seriously, there is no reason for him to be prying into her private affairs, and who her lips touch is none of his business.

 

[MountainBluebird]

Yes, he needs to realize our children have boundaries. It is hard for him to realize they are adults now. Maybe because they still live at home, lol. He is definitely jealous of the relationship I have with our children, but it is a relationship that I have earned by spending time talking to our children.

I wouldn't call these things secrets but my husband sees them that way. My husband thinks we should share everything with each other. I tried to explain to him that just as I would keep a personal thing that he told me to myself, I also feel like I should do the same for others. Maybe I am wrong but that is just the way I see it. Now if my kids were in trouble or if was something serious, of course I would share that with him. To me it is a matter of being a trustworthy person.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Well, maybe the solution is that the next time he starts asking you, you tell him to ask them if he wants to know and leave it at that?

 

[Puffinstuff]

That's what I would do.Just say you are uncomfortable being a go between him and his children.In fact it could even be enabling him to not form his own personal more intimate adult to adult relationship with them.And especially because she is right there.What is stopping him from asking her directly "so has he kissed you yet" ?Then she can answer or not.

 

[Hetta]

Yes, he needs to realize our children have boundaries. It is hard for him to realize they are adults now. Maybe because they still live at home, lol. He is definitely jealous of the relationship I have with our children, but it is a relationship that I have earned by spending time talking to our children.

I haven't called these things secrets but my husband sees them that way. My husband things we should be best friends (I agree) and that best friends share everything with each other. I tried to explain to him that just as I would keep a personal thing that he told me to myself, I also feel like I should do the same for others. Maybe I am wrong but that is just the way I see it. Now if my kids were in trouble or if was something serious, of course I would share that with him. To me it is a matter of being a trustworthy person.

He has been questioning me about our children for years. He does that because he says our children don't tell him things. They tell him things when he takes the time to converse with them and ask them stuff, but that he seldom does.

Okay, thanks for clarifying the "secrets" issue. Your husband and you are best friends, yes, and for you to share everything is normal, but your kids are not your 'best friends' - they are independent adults (by the sound of it) and their privacy should be respected.

He sounds like my father actually. My dad was always on the outside of our family, and I'd like to say it was because he was the breadwinner and always working hard, and that was part of it - but he was also the outsider because he didn't enter into the family dynamic, through choice. He kept his distance, and then he was "hurt" because he didn't know what was going on. Your husband sounds similar (to me anyway).

I agree with you that he should spend time with his/your children and develop a more friendly relation.

 

[Hetta]

Just looking at some of these comments and lol'ing. I sometimes wish my adult kids would withhold some information/behavior - particularly the two dating who are always kissing! One doesn't want to say "get a room" (right!!) but can't help thinking it at times.

 

[Avniel]

You can't. Because you are putting your children ahead of him when you do that.

I would ask the same as Luther... Why is it that your husband shouldn't know these things?

Personally, I think husbands and wives should be a team. Unless there's a good reason, children should know that if they tell one parent something it's as if they told both parents.

It sounds to me like your husband just wants to know what is going on in his children's lives. And that's a good thing.

Unless he's really controlling or something, in which case it might be legitimate to keep it from him.

Exactly if a child tells one parent they tell both. Parenting is all about team work a child should never know that parents are not on the same page.

 

[Puffinstuff]

Exactly if a child tells one parent they tell both.

Then many children would not tell either one.And the reality is many times both parents are not on the same page .And where does that end or does it not?I'm a full grown adult with adult children of my own?I shouldn't expect I can talk to my mother with confidentiality?If I'm telling her something I'm telling my father?IOW my mother (or father) cant be a confidential friend its both of them or nothing?Maybe I want to tell my mother something I don't want my father to know.So then I wont tell my mother it seems because I'm talking to him if I talk to her.I think that is sad.

 

[Avniel]

That was a bit of a blind post. I think he does have a right to know the same information you know. However I do believe that he needs to be accountable on what he does with that information. I do not believe a marriage should have any secretes however I also don't believe that information freely given should be used by another spouse to scold their children particularly an adult.

I believe that if you give him the information you are doing the right thing. Now what he does with that information is entirely between him and God. He should use what he knows as a way to build up his children in a positive way and construct a healthy relationship.

Your children should know you tell your husband everything.

 

[PassionateOne]

On top of that, my husband is controlling, and has been overprotective in the past. He only recently removed my daughter's midnight curfew, if that gives you any idea.

In general, my children don't like to share things with their dad because he is moody and often overreacts to things. In spite of this, my daughter has been very open with him about what is going on in her life.

Yes, my husband does want to know what is going on in his children's lives, but at this point, I really wish he would talk to them instead of using me. They all live at home, and are easily accessible to him if he'd only take the time to talk to them.

Well, your husband does sound a bit controlling, to give your 24 year old a midnight curfew?

Well, maybe the solution is that the next time he starts asking you, you tell him to ask them if he wants to know and leave it at that?

That would be my suggestion too....your DH would probably just drop the convo, then & not bother asking. It's not your fault he's moody, what he wants to know, he can ask himself.

 

[ValleyGal]

All my life I had a very distant relationship with my dad. He was too busy to be bothered with us kids. When I was about 30, mom and dad separated, and in the couple of years following that, he asked me forgiveness for not being there the way he should have been. It helped us establish a great relationship that we enjoyed for a few years until he met his current wife. When they got married, he said to me that he will never keep secrets from her, so anything I say to him, I say to her as well.

It destroyed the relationship we had worked so hard on because I could no longer tell him how I felt about ANYthing....she cannot stand me, so I rarely speak to them about anything other than the weather and who in the family died, got married or divorced, or who just had a baby.

Sometimes there are just things the spouse does not need to know. When I started menstruating, I needed to tell mom, but I would have been HORRIFIED if she had gone off and told my dad. Or when I asked her things about dating....or other "feminine" issues...I would NEVER have trusted her again if she went and told my dad everything. There are simply things that dads don't need to know about their little girls. And there are things about teenage boys that moms just simply don't need to know. After all, I don't know of ANY boy telling their father it's okay to tell mom that he had his first wet dream. Sheesh....some things are simply private. The older the children are, the more things that are private.