How to keep "secrets" without offending spouse

[SearchingStudent]

At 24, I was married and had children of my own. My mother would ask those prying questions. I never answered her.

To the OP. Your daughter is 24. Time for her to get out on her own. Tell daddy-dearest that she is an adult and should be treated as such. Tell daughter she has 6 months to get her act together, stand on her own 2 feet and be an adult. You are doing her no favors keeping her at home.

FTR...my children range in age from 23-30. They are ALL on their own, fully self-supporting, and their dad and I have a great relationship with all of them. But, we don't ask nosy questions. They volunteer what they want, and we don't ask questions. Due to this policy, we know far more about our children's private lives than we ever wanted to know.

 

[ValleyGal]

But what if the house rules are that the house is locked up from midnight to six A,M, or something. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, they are adults, and need to be able to make their own decisions about things, but just like Avnil said, if he was staying at his grandma's house, he wouldn't be walking in after she was in bed. etc. Personally, I don't find it unreasonable at all to set time limits for anyone who is living at your house, or even anyone who is a guest there.

The other side of that is that adults take care of themselves. If she is living at home, then she is like a child in that she is not taking care of herself. I don't really understand why midnight would be considered unreasonable anyway, unless she worked a second shift job or something.

Right, and I get that it's a fine line. My son has had his own key since he was about 16. He has never had a curfew. I am fortunate that he never abused this freedom. The OP's daughter is 24. She needs her own key, and her parents need to trust her with responsibility.

I read an article recently about how parents are not letting their children grow up. There are universities that have had to create new policies about parental involvement. Too many parents were checking in on their adult kids, babying them through college.

In the US, kids who are 18 are trusted to fight for their country. And they can be trusted to make informed decisions about who to vote for to run their country. They can drive a car at 16. They can marry at 18. Those are all very adult decisions and responsibilities. And yet some parents think it's okay to set a curfew on a 24 year old? To find out if she has kissed her boyfriend? She can be trusted by the government to make adult choices, but she can't be trusted by her own parents to be responsible about how she conducts herself in her relationships?

I really struggle with this too. Imo, this might be a case of "failure to launch" - on the daughter's part or on the parent's part. Apron strings need to be cut.....imo.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Right, and I get that it's a fine line. My son has had his own key since he was about 16. He has never had a curfew. I am fortunate that he never abused this freedom. The OP's daughter is 24. She needs her own key, and her parents need to trust her with responsibility.

I read an article recently about how parents are not letting their children grow up. There are universities that have had to create new policies about parental involvement. Too many parents were checking in on their adult kids, babying them through college.

In the US, kids who are 18 are trusted to fight for their country. And they can be trusted to make informed decisions about who to vote for to run their country. They can drive a car at 16. They can marry at 18. Those are all very adult decisions and responsibilities. And yet some parents think it's okay to set a curfew on a 24 year old? To find out if she has kissed her boyfriend? She can be trusted by the government to make adult choices, but she can't be trusted by her own parents to be responsible about how she conducts herself in her relationships?

I really struggle with this too. Imo, this might be a case of "failure to launch" - on the daughter's part or on the parent's part. Apron strings need to be cut.....imo.

I agree about the kissing thing, but the curfew in one's house is different. It's possible that she was given freedom and abused it? It's very hard for parents who have never had kids that pushed past the limits, too far, or for too long, to understand this. It's all well and good to say give them freedom, but what about when that freedom entraps others. Frankly, some of the current advice of the day, does just that. Giving her freedom, shouldn't enslave them, so while I agree that at 24 he shouldn't be asking about her kissing habits, what would happen if she got pregnant and he bailed? Would she be unable to support the child on her own? Just because an adult should be responsible, doesn't mean they are.So, I do think it's not cut and dry. We don't know these people, or what their histories are, so I just think that there are too many variables that could be at play here, so make bold judgement calls about what kind of freedom she should have. And I also read the article that you are talking about, but I don't think the answers lie in the level of simplicity that article suggested.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yes, it certainly is complicated, and it is easy for people like me to make suggestions based only on my own experience. Like I say, I've been very fortunate with my son being very responsible. Others are not. And who knows? The daughter in the OP could have special needs or cultural issues we are unaware of. But that's what's so great about forums. People can come and get all kinds of suggestions, and it is ultimately up to the OP (and each of us) to take what we need and graciously leave what we don't need.

At 24, if she got pregnant and he bailed, she would be responsible to make sure that the father supports his child, whether he bails on her or not. It is not up to her parents to bail her out. This is what I mean about being a boundaries issue. She is responsible for herself, and the choices she makes. Her parents could choose to help her out, or they could choose not to....that would be their choice in how to respond to such a situation, but she could not blame them for not bailing her out....it was her (and her boyfriend's) actions, and it is them who need to be responsible for any outcomes.

Only the OP knows their situation and what the best course of action would be for her and her family. Hopefully she chooses a course of action that will support her daughter's autonomy, if the daughter is an average 24 year old.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Yes, it certainly is complicated, and it is easy for people like me to make suggestions based only on my own experience. Like I say, I've been very fortunate with my son being very responsible. Others are not. And who knows? The daughter in the OP could have special needs or cultural issues we are unaware of. But that's what's so great about forums. People can come and get all kinds of suggestions, and it is ultimately up to the OP (and each of us) to take what we need and graciously leave what we don't need.

At 24, if she got pregnant and he bailed, she would be responsible to make sure that the father supports his child, whether he bails on her or not. It is not up to her parents to bail her out. This is what I mean about being a boundaries issue. She is responsible for herself, and the choices she makes. Her parents could choose to help her out, or they could choose not to....that would be their choice in how to respond to such a situation, but she could not blame them for not bailing her out....it was her (and her boyfriend's) actions, and it is them who need to be responsible for any outcomes.

Only the OP knows their situation and what the best course of action would be for her and her family. Hopefully she chooses a course of action that will support her daughter's autonomy, if the daughter is an average 24 year old.

While I agree with that, the truth is that we all pay for irresponsible people. Look at how much money we spend on prisons. Just because we give people freedom, when they are irresponsible with it, we all pay. So, whille we all should be teaching and preparing our kids to be responsible adults, the reality is that some won;t be, and when they aren't it's a myth to think that it's all on them, because it simply is not.

This is a bit of a streth from the OP, but this conversation has been kind of a bridge, if you will, into another subject. I can start a new thread if I need to, but it's about irresponsible children, and taking proactive steps into showing them their likely future when they make certain choices. I am a huge fan of taking field trips to our State Penn. Our district doesn't do it, so it's not happening, but honestly, we need to do it. God tells us what will happen if we make the right choices, and what will happen when we make the wrong ones. I think we are failing on a large scale to do this in a long term way. Anyway, sorry for straying a bit.

 

[americanvet]

If my wife has another adult come to her and talk in confidence I trust her judgment regarding telling me or not. Spouses don't have to know everything, within reason.

Don't know if this will help or not. I am a police officer in my state and deal with the adult child and parent living together all the time. In my state when an adult lives in a home (regardless if they pay bills or have a rental agreement) they have almost as many rights as the property owner. IE if the adult child is told to be home at midnight and comes home at 1:00am, in my state, if the home owner tries to prevent them from entering the home. The adult child can forcibly enter the home and NO crime has been committed. A rule of thumb is, when you allow someone else to live in your home, it becomes there home as well. Now I am talking about legal issues vs moral issues. But at some point parent "powers" don't work anymore and you have to treat the children as adults.

 

[Kaitlyn]

Sometimes when my husband and I are alone, he uses that time to ask me questions about our children. Frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm being questioned by a police officer. Anyways, my children share things with me more often than with him, for many legitimate reasons. And sometimes I feel these things should be kept between me and my child. None of these secrets are earth shattering. If I told my husband every secret my children told me, I would feel like I was betraying their trust. Does anyone else feel that way? I mean if our children wanted to talk privately with my husband, I'd be fine with that. I don't need to know everything.

My husband feels like I have to tell him everything my children tell me, and when I don't, he feels like I am placing our children above him. I really don't see it that way. For instance, tonight he was asking me about my daughter's new boyfriend. He asked specifically if he had tried to kiss her. Now, I knew the answer to this question, but being that my daughter is 24 and I was pretty sure she wouldn't want me discussing, it made me uncomfortable. My husband got upset with my response, and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening. So my question is, how can I keep these sorts of things private from my husband without him feeling like I am putting our children ahead of him?

Your husband is immature. Whatever you are told in confidence especially by adult children should be kept in confidence. I do believe a spouse is entitled to privacy but not dishonesty.

 

[Avniel]

While I agree with that, the truth is that we all pay for irresponsible people. Look at how much money we spend on prisons.

I strongly disagree with you regarding that point. There are a good deal of people in prison because they were doing what they know. If a mother is raising children by herself and struggling to keep a float and they have an older child 14, 15 years old. All this child see's as a male role model are rappers and drug dealers. When they go to school the teacher isn't there to educate them they are just there for a pay check, teaching children that can barely read. I don't blame them for being irresponsible I blame teachers, politicians, doctors, lawyers, judges and pastors for not taking enough interest in building themselves into positive role models in inner city and rural poverty stricken areas. Most of all I blame a government that spends more money educating the wealthy then the poor, unlike any major country.

Just because we give people freedom, when they are irresponsible with it, we all pay.

Also you do not pay for prisoners you pay for the cooperate machine that runs the prisons. Did you know there was a time in new york where men and women could get degrees in jail. They took that away because people weren't coming back to jail. It's just a numbers game a way to make money off of people that are mentally slaved.

So, whille we all should be teaching and preparing our kids to be responsible adults, the reality is that some won;t be, and when they aren't it's a myth to think that it's all on them, because it simply is not.

I don't see how it could be on anyone else?

This is a bit of a streth from the OP, but this conversation has been kind of a bridge, if you will, into another subject. I can start a new thread if I need to, but it's about irresponsible children, and taking proactive steps into showing them their likely future when they make certain choices. I am a huge fan of taking field trips to our State Penn. Our district doesn't do it, so it's not happening, but honestly, we need to do it. God tells us what will happen if we make the right choices, and what will happen when we make the wrong ones. I think we are failing on a large scale to do this in a long term way. Anyway, sorry for straying a bit.

I don't think prisons scare anyone. When I was younger I was beat a lot my mother constantly told me I would end up in jail. All I did was push ups and fight every chance I got to prepare me for prison. I went to prison I saw a lot of people I knew most kids from neighborhood know a lot of people in prison. In my neighborhood selling drugs is a trade passed down from uncle to nephew, nephew to cousins and continues for generations......jail to people in that social stimuli is like playing basketball and getting an injury it's just part of the game.

What changed me was trips to Jamaica and seeing the garrisons, going to africa and seeing how they lived. Watching my friend get hit with a tire iron, seeing people get shot, seeing a friend get stabbed in the neck. What does going to jail do?