how to hide you're in love

[klewlis]

It sounds to me like a very unhealthy situation, and you seem to be taking a sort of warped martyr attitude... "well, there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well just continue to subject myself to pain and love her unconditionally."

This is wrong and unhealthy, for both you and her. Hiding your feelings is unhealthy. Willfully subjecting yourself to pain when you have other options and there is no good reason is unhealthy. You may think that you're saving a friendship, but what kind of friendship is it if you can't be honest with each other without fear of losing it? What kind of friend holds that kind of thing over your head?

I have about a thousand warning bells going off when I read your posts. I think it might be good to see a pastor or relationship counsellor. Sorry if that's harsh... I'm not trying to be mean but I don't see anything in this that is normal or healthy.

 

[holo]

klewlis,
Of course not being able to be completely honest is a drawback, but it's always like that. Nobody will ever get to know everything you're thinking and feeling. Surely you yourself have friends you would be afraid of confessing certain things to?
As for not being able to do anything about the way I feel about her, well, I guess I can't. I've tried. And I don't think you should deny your feelings, whatever they are. Yes, I subject myself to pain by being with her, but it's the pain of a broken ego. If we lose the friendship, it would break my heart, which is much much worse. Not to mention it would break her heart as well.

You know, it's the same old story; boy wants girl, girl doesn't want boy. It life, and it happens all the time.
Actually, I believe I'm doing the healthiest things here; not denying my emotions, not giving in to some unrealistic romantic fantasy, and choosing love over selfishness. I think it would be selfish to terminate the friendship because I feel bad for not getting what I want. After all, I'm getting so much out of us being together now, as I did before I fell in love. I'm not going to let my stupid lust get in the way, our desires shift and change all the time anyway. I wouldn't want to build a relationship on that, neither do I want to end a friendship because of it. I think I have vrey valid reasons for doing this; the love between us, which will always be more important than romantic wants.

I think part of the reason it seems so scary to so many of you, is that romance has such a high status in our culture and society. You know, all the talk about soul mates and The One, all the ideals, the oh-so-horrible pain of not getting your "loved" one. I think it's very out of proportion. We lust after each other just as we lust after other things. We call it love and whatnot, and refuse to treat it like other whims we get. The least I can do is to not pump it up to be bigger and more important than it is. And no, I don't take myself so seriously as to see myself as some kind of martyr. I'm just a human, having to deal with human things. The last time this happened, I gave up and ruined it. Now at least I will try before I wreck it.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I'll start by saying that the decision is entirely up to you, as it is your life and your heart. But, I speak from experience. You think you can remain friends at first and you strive to do just that. But it gets harder and harder, especially when you see them with someone else, all the time wishing it was you instead. Some people can remain friends after going through this kind of situations. But I think for that to happen, all feelings of romantic love have to be out of the picture. You don't sound like you are ready for that to happen, that you want to hang on to your love for her, suffer in silence. That is just sitting yourself up for continued heartbreak.

I am not trying to scold you or be a "know it all". I am just trying to give you some warnings from someone who has been there. How fair is it for you to have to hide your feelings of love for someone? Love should be able to be shared with someone who will love you back, not hidden and treated like it isn't important. Love is important. Hiding your love will only help you to harden your heart.

 

[harmmony]

Hey Holo, Well I certainly respect your point of view but I still think you are in a no win situtaion. But, if you think you have it all under control then and you think you are doing the right thing then that's what you should do. You may as well keep going and see how it goes and yes I for one would be extremely interested to see how it works out for you.

I do feel abit sorry for with reagrds to your cynical view of ramnce. If I understand correctly you are more or less saying that love and lust are one in the same. Well, I have felt and acted on plenty of lust, but I think that I have only really been in love once before in my life and it was so much deeper than mere lust. It contained an element of lust, but so much more. I think they are distinctly different.

It probably sounds weird, but wanting her and knowing I can't get her doesn't bother me all that much

This entire thread suggests that it is bothering you a great deal.

The last time this happened, I gave up and ruined it. Now at least I will try before I wreck it.

Can you tell me exactly what this means, that you gave up and ruined it? It can't have been too ruined because you are still friends with her right?

I haven't got many answers to my original question, maybe there aren't many.

I personally think that you have gotten quite a few great answers to your question, but they weren't the answers you wanted. Perhaps you had already decided on a course of action and just wanted someone to tell you to go for it. As I said I still think you can't win this one whilst remaining attached to her, but you feel that you can and I respect that, I hope it goes well for you, keep me posted.

 

[Peter_in_Christ]

Dear Halo,

God seems to be nudging me to reply to you.

I am sure God has His purpose for what you are going through, continue to keep your eye on God, pray, and continue to read His word, I'm sure God will guide in how to deal with your situation and speak to you in His own wonderful way.

Take care and God bless,
Love in Christ,

Peter

 

[holo]

Love should be able to be shared with someone who will love you back, not hidden and treated like it isn't important. Love is important. Hiding your love will only help you to harden your heart.

You're right about love. But love isn't the problem, the lust is. Romance comes from lust, not love. I hide my lust just as I would hide my anger with someone if it wasn't appropriate to show it. I don't deny it though.

 

[holo]

If I understand correctly you are more or less saying that love and lust are one in the same.

No, I try to make a very clear distinction between love and lust. As I see it, romance has nothing to do with love, though they usually coexist. It's obviously hard distinguishing the two sometimes, as you feel them both at once. One way I separate them is by asking myself if I want to do something for my own sake or someone else's.

Can you tell me exactly what this means, that you gave up and ruined it? It can't have been too ruined because you are still friends with her right?

It means I didn't realise I didn't have to feed my romantic feelings by daydreaming and such. I decided to end the friendship. We were out of touch for years, didn't dare to make contact though we missed each other terribly. We kind of met again by accident, and became friends again. And we're now better friends than I thought anyone could be.

I personally think that you have gotten quite a few great answers to your question, but they weren't the answers you wanted.

I started this thread to get some tips on how to make sure I would hide my feelings for her. But, you're right, great answers even if they weren't about what I really asked about.

 

[Stanfi]

I started this thread to get some tips on how to make sure I would hide my feelings for her. But, you're right, great answers even if they weren't about what I really asked about.

holo,

You asked, how to hind that your in love? What most people are trying to tell you is that you can't, and if you try it will get the better end of you. Love is not something that was meant to be stifled, but given freely. When you love and care about someone it shines out whether you want it to or not.

I will give you an example. In person, I am not usually very open about my feelings. About a year and a half ago, I met a girl that I really liked, but I tried not to let it show to others. I was talking to a lady friend of mine one day. She looked at me and said "You really like this girl, I can tell, you just glow when you talk about her." Bottom line, you can't hide love.

 

[holo]

mrstace,
That's one of the points I've been trying to make here - the difference between love and lust. I think the more I show and nurture my love, the harder it is for the lust to manifest and take control. I love love, so to speak.

Anyway, I see your point. But I know this girl well enough to know that she really has no clue about my selfish feelings for her. I'm surprised none of our common friends have noticed either, I told a few of the most trustworthy ones though. They had no idea.

 

[holo]

I've been talking mostly about myself and my thoughts here. What would God say?
Of course He doesn't want me to lust after anyone, and I ask Him daily to free me of it.
And would He want me to end the friendship? I can't imagine the Lord going "well this isn't gonna work, even with my help the two of you can't be friends."
I don't know the Lord or His word well enough to really know how He feels, but I do feel like He brought us together. She even said once that I was a gift from God to her, and that's how I feel too. I do have a history of destroying the nice things God gives me though. I don't know. Professional Christians, bring on your advice please.

 

[Stanfi]

holo,

I'm not sure this will help you, but this is how I look at things.

lust - When we are infatuated with someones physical appearance. The only reason we pay attention to this person is because they are "hot". We do not have any desire to get to know them, or truly care about them. When they talk to us, we don't hear a word they say, becuase we are to busy undressing them with our minds. (excuse the brutal honestey) Lust is very very shallow, and will go away easily.

love - When you truly like someone for who they are. You enjoy talking to this person, being around this peson. You deeply care about what is going on in their lives, and are willing to do anything that you can to help them. They mean a lot to you, and you are just thankful this person is in you life. Love is deep, and unselfish. This does not necessarily mean "romanctic love", but also agape. Many times I think agape is more true than romanctic love, for it is truly unselfish.

Lust will show itself. This usually happens, because when you are talking to someone, you are unable to make eye contact, because your eyes always end up "eslewhere". This usually results in "backhand to the face".

Love will show itslef also, because when you truly care for someone, you cannot hide it. It will show. It does not go away overnight. Love is specail the key is finding someone who will reciprocate it back.

 

[holo]

mrstace,
That sounds pretty right and interesting. Do you think "romantic love" can come from agape love, or would you agree it stems from lust?

 

[Stanfi]

mrstace,
That sounds pretty right and interesting. Do you think "romantic love" can come from agape love, or would you agree it stems from lust?

I think romanctic love should can and should come from agape. When you meet someone new you show them agape. We should show everyone agape. Then as you get to know that person it deeepens into romantic love. When you do this your relationship is built on the rock of Christ, and has a good foundation.

I think romantic love can develop from lust. We hear cases all the time of people gettting toghether by a pure physical attraction, then love comes later. However ,when this happens I question what the relationshiop is built on? As time passes and looks fade, will the love last? When love is built on lust, I don't think you have anything solid.

That's how I feel about it anyway.

 

[holo]

I guess I don't even halfway understand the nature of these things.
But I do know I haven't experienced romance as something growing out of love. Maybe that's what people are talking and dreaming about then - that there is indeed such a thing as unselfish, God-approved romantic love. If there isn't, I just can't understand how one could justify using the whole lusting, falling-in-love thing to find a spouse.
Anyway, I don't want romance, whatever it's nature. I pray the Lord to make me a complete person without any need (real or imagined) of "having someone." The good Lord has being freeing me from a lot of unwanted and unhealthy sexual thoughts and urges lately, so I guess He can make me free in this respect also.

 

[holo]

Update:
I decided that she doesn't deserve being lied to, I love her too much to be dishonest, even if it means I'll lose her. Plus, my sister pushed me, so I wrote her a letter saying how I feel - that is, that I love her so very much and am also in love with her, that I know it's not mutual, that I don't really want a relationship anyway, and that I hope we can still be friends etc etc.
Posted it yesterday, she would normally get it today, but didn't. This means she'll get it tomorrow, which is freaking *Valentine's Day*. I didn't realize until after I posted it.
I can do nothing but wait and smack my forehead repeatedly.

 

[KeilCoppes]

I can do nothing but wait and smack my forehead repeatedly.

You're not alone, though - I have a feeling that when they dig me up in 100 years, they'll find a right-handed handprint indentation on the forehead of my skull. :^)

 

[Buskanaka]

i think you're getting too caught up in the idea that your attraction is only from lust. Of course lusting after people is bad, but God created our hormones and brains, being physically attracted to someone isn't a bad thing! If you were romantically interested and didn't have some sort of physical attraction, then that would be slightly worrying...

 

[holo]

i think you're getting too caught up in the idea that your attraction is only from lust. Of course lusting after people is bad, but God created our hormones and brains, being physically attracted to someone isn't a bad thing! If you were romantically interested and didn't have some sort of physical attraction, then that would be slightly worrying...

I think I wrote somewhere in this thread about the Good Lord freeing me from lust and unclean thoughts - I now find it pretty easy to get them out of my head and I can't remember the last time I was horny. Praise God!
I thought that my romantic feelings would follow my lust, but it stayed.
I don't know. But I still don't think romance and love are the same.

 

[Buskanaka]

so you don't want romantic love at all?

 

[holo]

No. Well, there's obviously a part of me that would like to believe that romantic *love* really exists (I think it's just that you love and want someone at the same time), and that it had some logic to it and didn't come with such a risk of failure (just look at the divorce stats).
I don't want to feel like I "need" to be in a relationship to have a good and complete life. Romance has never ever done anything good for me, quite the opposite. I immensely hate being in love.