how to hide you're in love

[holo]

I hate admitting it, but I have let myself fall in "love" again. I just couldn't be bothered to fight it anymore.
Now, my worry is that she'll find out. So, how do you reveal you want someone? What do you do to keep it hidden? Any tips appreciated. I'd rather not have to lie about it.

 

[msjones21]

Is this a girl that you are currently in a relationship with or is she just someone you're acquainted with?

 

[holo]

She's my long time very very good friend and I love her dearly. I ruined our friendship once before by falling in love with her. I've given up trying not to want her, but if she finds out, it's doomed. I need to know how people give themselves away, so that I can avoid it.

 

[catch22]

Read "Boy Meets Girl"...that book has just had all the answers for me today...hehhe. Ironically enough, there's even a situation exactly as you described. The second time he asked her if she would be willing to pursue a relationship she said yes....there's always hope. You don't have to hide love, just make sure you seek guidance before you act on it.

 

[smash_kate]

you should keep this topic for the courting/dating thread...

 

[holo]

I was unsure of where to post this. Since we don't have a relationship other than our friendship I thought it wouldn't fit in the courting section.

Catch,
I know for a fact there's no hope for me and her being anything "more" than friends. And that's a good thing, because I don't really want a relationship I can screw up. The point is there is no reason for me whatsoever to "act on it." You're right, I don't need to hide love, but I need to hide the fact that I want her. To put it this way, I love her too much to want to let my lust get in the way.
Obviously I won't tell her, and I try not to behave in a way that would make her ask about it. I'll try to eliminate every little sign I might give that I want her. To do that I need to know what those signs are.

 

[Buskanaka]

weird, you're in a catch 22 situation!! being friends is bad, cause it's torture for you when you want more than friendship, but pursuing a relationship is bad cause you might lose the friendship. guess you'll just have to tough it out and wait until it goes away, which could take awhile...

 

[harmmony]

My commiserations holo. I have been on both sides of this coin, I was once in love with a friend, who was so not interested in me romantically and I have also had a friend in love with me who I was not interested in that way either.

This is a bit long, but please bear with me.
She has made it clear that she is not romantically interested and so that closes all doors for you there unfortunately, you've been friends for so long, there may be hope for the furute, but it seems not. But in the meantime you are torturing yourself over being in close proximity to her, so you have to decide - is it more painful being around her and knowing you can't be togther, or is it more painful to distance yourself from her for the time being.

Personally I don't think you are going to be able to hide your strong feeling for her for too long, even if you try really hard, she will pick up on your unconscious body language, etc - I don't think it's possible with feelings as strong as yours. So, maybe for now, you should not hang out with her so much and give yourself some time to recover. I don't think you fell in love with her again, I think you never fell out of love with her, you just got it under control for a while. As painful as it might be you may have to decide that you just can't be close friends with her, for your own well-being. That has been my experience, that you can't get over your strong feelings for someone when you are constantly around them. And if she wonders why you have drifted off, I don't see any reason why you can't be honest with her. If she really cares about you as a friend she will understand. I think you just can't go on putting yourself in this situation which causes you pain and discomfort.

My friend who was in love with me started to become really resentful of me after a while because I could not return his romantic feelings and so our friendship failed anyway. I'm not saying this would happen to you, but you need to guard your heart.

By the way, please don't assume that you would "screw up" any relationship you might have, give yourself a break.

I know how you feel and will be praying for you. Best of luck.

 

[holo]

THANK YOU Harmmony.
I'd like to know more about how you felt knowing this guy wanted you while you didn't want him.
I don't live close to this girl. We get to see each other perhaps five times a year, but we have lots of contact via letters, email, and such. Actually, I decided the last time I had this problem, that we shouldn't/couldn't have anything to do with each other, as I would always in some way act upon my want for her. That was years ago, and now I won't try to "get her". Neither does it bother me all that much that she doesn't want me. I can live with it just like I live with not getting other things I want. We have a wonderful friendship, and I'm not going to leave it again. I even promised her I wouldn't do it again (leave her), and that I'll fight for this friendship. I have told her, indirectly, that the whole romantic thing is over. I hate lying, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I did fall out of love with her during the years we were apart, I even fell halfway for another girl.
It's not only that she means so much to me, but I know I mean so much to her as well. She would understand it if I left again, but it would hurt her terribly. My own discomfort in this situation I can handle. I'm used to it.
I cling to the hope that she'll never know. I certainly don't try to woo her or anything, and should she find a reason to ask how I feel, I will lie, or at least omit parts of the truth.

 

[catch22]

Grrrr...I don't know. Even given the circumstances you described, if you love her tell her. You don't have to do it all at once. Maybe it's just me, but I have a problem with what if's. What if you decided to pursue her again and she reciprocated your feelings? Life is too short not to pursue love. Of course I would advise you to pray about it heavily before commiting to any descision. The thing is, you can't promise feelings. You can't change the way you feel about her, so why try to hide it? I'm not saying straight out tell her you love her, but sloooooooowly move in that direction. If she recognizes it and asks you to not pursue it even now, then at least you'll know for sure.

 

[holo]

catch,
I appreciate your advice. But the "what ifs" aren't really a concern here. I know how she feels. Anyway, I'm so cynical as to believe that romantic feelings are in essence very selfish and sexual, we just have the tendency to think of them as something nice and pure. In a way, those feelings are the opposite of the love I feel for her. When I say I love her, I mean just that. The romance/lust/want is another thing. You're right, life is too short not to pursue love. It is also too short to be ruining precious friendships in the name of lust. I hide those feelings so that she won't have to feel bad/confused/get paranoid about her own behaviour and feeling sorry for me or whatever. So that we can keep it pure and simple. I don't know myself how it feels having one of your best friends wanting you, but I can't imagine it's much fun. As I said, I told her once before, and that made my problem her problem as well. Anyway I can't really imagine us as a couple. It wouldn't work. And I just want to be a good friend, as she deserves.
Again, the problem isn't really how I feel, it's about what I can do do make sure she doesn't know.
Maybe someone have been in her situation, and could tell me how they found out the other person wanted them. Then I could try to not do the same. Or maybe you know of some revealing stuff people do/say when they're in love, things I might not be aware of?

 

[Stanfi]

holo,

You are torturing yourself. I read onetime that "There is no worse way to miss someone that to be sitting right beside them, knowing that you cannot have them."

Listen to what harmmony said. There was so much wisdome in that post that it spoke volumes.

You won't be able to hide your love for this girl. It will do you in trying. When you have deep feelings for someone that don't go away overnight.

My experience has been that when you are in a relationship with soemone, and one of you has strong feelings, and the other one doesn't. Then you just have to get away, and let time heal you.

If you keep having contact with this girl, you are never going to heal. Ever letter, or email that you recieve from her is going to cut you that much deeper.

I would not think this girl would expect you to maintain a friendship with her, knowing that you have romantic feelings for her, and knowing that she cannot reciprocate them.

 

[ps34_18]

holo, I'm not really sure what advice to give, except to let you know I'm in the same boat you are. I recently found out that a guy I'm good friends with and had hoped for something more with eventually has gotten himself a girlfriend...seems like a pretty clear indication he doesn't consider us anything more than friends. As for hiding your feelings...well, other than suggesting you try to mask it as the caring that comes from a friendship relationship, I can't give you many tips, as I seem to not do so well in that category.

 

[harmmony]

I'd like to know more about how you felt knowing this guy wanted you while you didn't want him.

Well it was a few years ago now, and I was quite young and naive at the time and I thought that if I just ignored it, which was difficult because he was often saying things to me, sending me flowers etc., then it would go away. I liked this guy, I liked hanging around him. But, being honest with myself, I was getting an ego boost out of it as well. He actually accused me of leading him on because I hung out with him and as I said before it all ended terribly. I have many regrets about the way I handled that situation, I think that I should not have continued being such close friends with him, knowing how he felt. I understand now, that he must have been in quite a lot of pain to say the hurtful things he said to me in the end, and I have to take my responsibilty for my part. If I was in the same situation again, if the guy didn't put the distance between us, then I would, even if it caused me pain in terms of our friendship.

Holo, I personally do not believe that you can continue to live a lie in your relationship with her. And you are being naive if you think you can fake your way through it. It will NEVER be "pure and simple" while you still hold such strong feelings for her. There is a clear difference between loving a friend and being in love with a friend, it is completely obvious that you are in love with her and I'm sorry to say that I think that you have few choices. You must distance yourself from her - communication wise - you will go crazy trying to keep this to yourself. And you said that you are willing to outright lie about your feelings if she asked - this is not sounding good holo.

If she has the love for you as her friend that you indicate she does, then she will understand that you have to stay away, for now maybe, but you have to give yourself the chance to get your peace back, you are obviously in a great deal of turmoil over this, she would not want you feel this way if she cares for you. She may be hurt to know that she is causing you this pain and so will understand.

I'm sorry Holo, but I just can't see how you can have it both ways in this situation - continuing to be friends and continuing to feel these feelings pretending that they aren't there. And you will continue to feel them while you are communicating with her. Meanwhile, a great girl might be out there not getting a chance while you are emotionally tied up with your friend. My heart is really feeling for you Holo and I hope you can sort it out.

 

[Stanfi]

Well it was a few years ago now, and I was quite young and naive at the time and I thought that if I just ignored it, which was difficult because he was often saying things to me, sending me flowers etc., then it would go away. I liked this guy, I liked hanging around him. But, being honest with myself, I was getting an ego boost out of it as well. He actually accused me of leading him on because I hung out with him and as I said before it all ended terribly. I have many regrets about the way I handled that situation, I think that I should not have continued being such close friends with him, knowing how he felt. I understand now, that he must have been in quite a lot of pain to say the hurtful things he said to me in the end, and I have to take my responsibilty for my part. If I was in the same situation again, if the guy didn't put the distance between us, then I would, even if it caused me pain in terms of our friendship.

Holo, I personally do not believe that you can continue to live a lie in your relationship with her. And you are being naive if you think you can fake your way through it. It will NEVER be "pure and simple" while you still hold such strong feelings for her. There is a clear difference between loving a friend and being in love with a friend, it is completely obvious that you are in love with her and I'm sorry to say that I think that you have few choices. You must distance yourself from her - communication wise - you will go crazy trying to keep this to yourself. And you said that you are willing to outright lie about your feelings if she asked - this is not sounding good holo.

If she has the love for you as her friend that you indicate she does, then she will understand that you have to stay away, for now maybe, but you have to give yourself the chance to get your peace back, you are obviously in a great deal of turmoil over this, she would not want you feel this way if she cares for you. She may be hurt to know that she is causing you this pain and so will understand.

I'm sorry Holo, but I just can't see how you can have it both ways in this situation - continuing to be friends and continuing to feel these feelings pretending that they aren't there. And you will continue to feel them while you are communicating with her. Meanwhile, a great girl might be out there not getting a chance while you are emotionally tied up with your friend. My heart is really feeling for you Holo and I hope you can sort it out.

This is what I was thinking, but said so much better!

 

[wvmtnkid]

you should keep this topic for the courting/dating thread...

Just from the mod-the topic is fine here, Singles is a good place to talk about this situation!

 

[wvmtnkid]

I'll have to agree with harmony. She sumed things up very well.

I have been in the situation were I cared for someone more than he cared for me. We tried the "just friends" bit for a while. And it was excruciating for me. What mrstace said about the worst why to miss someone is by being able to sit beside them and know that you can't have them, is so true. Because I kept reassuring him that we were friends, he began sharing with me about his new relationship. Talk about ripping my heart out all over again. Finally I had to just break all ties. It wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I had done, because I still loved him. But for my peace of mind, I had to let go, even if that meant losing the friendship. There are still days I miss him. But, I think that our hearts can only handle so much. And you are really cheating yourself out of finding someone that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. If she has made it clear friends is all she will ever be, than perhaps it's time to ask God to do some healing of your hurt and to help you find someone new.

 

[Brooke]

I had a crush on a guy once. Finally, with the help of a friend, I got up the courage to ask him if he would be my date to the annual Military Ball. He said okay, and I was all happy-like. ^^
However, I never got the chance to actually be with him, because.... well, my shyness never really went away. And maybe he forgot, because I didn't see him the whole night... he was somewhere else. I didn't care, though.

 

[holo]

Thanks for the comfort and wise words.
Of course you're right - this thing does trouble me quite a bit. But that's still not the part that concerns me the most. If this didn't hurt, I've got loads of other problems to think about. The only difference is that I'm now mostly occupied with this particular problem.
I do think I can hide my feelings. She doesn't easily think people are in love with her. She also knows that because of my anxiety and all, I can appear to feel differently than I actually do. The feelings won't go away, and I don't expect them to. Someone told me people fall out of love when they a) are separated, b) fall for someone else, or b) start disliking the person. I enjoy her company too much (it's not just "torture"), and she enjoys mine too much that I'm going to break it off. I already did that with her once before, and it caused a lot of pain for both of us. As it is now, I'm the only one with a problem. It's a long time since I stopped trying to control how I feel. I'll just control how I act and deal with it.
As for this situation causing me to "miss out" on another relationship that might have worked and all - I see the point, but I really don't want a relationship. With anyone. When I fall in love, it's just about getting hooked on a girl I'd like to sleep with. That's my cynical take on the whole romance thing anyway. I also have to say that the last time I was in love with her, before we parted, I was much worse. This time I'm not feeding the feelings by daydreaming about her, for example, or looking for signs that she feels the same. Usually, people just seem to give in to their romantic urges without reasoning or a fight. Obviously, I pray about this a lot. It probably sounds weird, but wanting her and knowing I can't get her doesn't bother me all that much. I guess it's because I truly know we'll never be anything other than friends. I have no hope to lose. And friendships are safe. Couples break up, friends drift apart, at worst. I made the wrong choice the last time, though it seemed right. Instead of cutting her off and trying to forget her, I should have just accepted how I felt, not have bothered her with it, and definately not have acted on it and kept feeding those emotions. I can't promise I won't screw things up, but I have promised her I won't just leave (we would have to agree on such a thing, and she would have to want to), and that if we should get some problem, I'm going to fight to fix it.
In a way it's a good situation, provided she doesn't find out (or finds out and somehow is fine with it); I know my feelings, and I know they won't lead me into a relationship where I have to dump or be dumped. I haven't got many answers to my original question, maybe there aren't many. I can keep you updated on the whole thing if you'd like.

 

[holo]

How curious.
I'm chatting with her right now, and she's about to go on some sort of date with some guy. Obviously it doesn't feel too good being reminded I'm not the one she wants, but more than that I'm happy for her as long as she's having a good time. It's good for me too, since I get all the more reason to keep my mouth shut, it gets a little easier. And should she get hurt or something, I will still be her friend who'll never dump her. It feels good being a good guy, you just have to take some discomfort as well sometimes.